Supporting a difficult widowed parent

[CoolAzureShaker]

This might be longish but will try and give the main points.

My father died suddenly around 19 months ago and it’s been a huge shock to everyone. He was my mum’s world and she didn’t really socialise without him. He also did everything and she never lifted a finger. We are doing what I think is our best to support her but she is really testing my sanity and I’m finding it difficult to engage. I feel awful because I know this is the worst time of her life.

She has always been challenging. Everything is about her, she thinks everything is a negative slight and she is someone who seems to live for a bit of negative drama. I have a very superficial relationship with her as she can’t really be trusted with anything sensitive.

In the immediate aftermath my siblings and I handled everything and were around 24/7 for weeks. We dealt with all the admin/house stuff and streamlined everything for her so it was easy to manage. She is not elderly (62) and so since we have had to issue a bit of tough love to encourage some independence there and not indulging her over normal everyday things such as the dishwasher breaking.

We all visit frequently for days at a time even though it’s several hours travel for us all. We have all had her to visit us for longer stays and have entertained her day and night. Suggestions for things she could do, hobbies, quiet activities nearby are shut down.

She still works part-time and has a couple of friends she sees now and again but she has started to complain that no-one does anything for her and no one sees her. Any mention that we have been away is met with a face like thunder and she is heavily hinting someone should invite her on holiday. She will not entertain grief counselling and I expect she is wearing others down. I feel like I need therapy even after short amount of time in her company. A question about what breakfast cereal she would like will somehow end up being about my dad dying. She has also started to be be nasty about my dads care and suggesting we (her children) caused him to suffer (completely untrue, the medical team had some difficult choices to make but these where out of our hands). She also makes negative comments if someone, in her eyes, isn’t giving her special treatment for being a widow. She can’t seem to grasp that people have their own lives and problems.

I just don’t know what to do. Despite her behaviour I want to support her but I feel like we can’t ever do enough. I can see a big falling out if one of us loses patience or just stepping back.

Have you discussed this with your siblings? Maybe you could all come up with a joint way forward and present her with a united front.

Oh, goodness, she is still of working age and should be holding down a full time job and running a household at only 62. I thought you were going to say 82.
time for rock solid boundaries and some very tough love.
I can understand her whole world was rocked when she lost her husband, but blimey, she is just going to have to learn to cope.

19th months ago? That's very early days in widowhood.

It's been 5 years since I lost my husband. I was coming up for 61 at the time. I pretty much fell apart and had no children to rely on.

I realise that it's hard for you, but so far as your mother is concerned her whole world has been blown apart.

Once lockdown ended and I was able to get out, I was conscious of turning conversations to be about my husband. I eventually pulled myself away from that, but it wasn't easy - I'd have taken counselling had it been available.

I think it would be beneficial to your mother - it would give her an outlet for her grief that others find uncomfortable providing.

I'll add that online bereavement groups can help. There's more than one on Facebook. It allows people to say the things that those who haven't been widowed don't have the time to listen to.

It isn't wrong for you to step back and until you do I suspect she will carry on carrying on, how do your siblings feel about it? She does need to discover her own path in life and it sounds like she is doing very little to support that.

Yes we’ve also mentioned this sort of support. It’s not that we don’t have time but we were all there when he died and also traumatised by what happened. I can’t, for the sake of my own mental health, relive that during every day conversations. I do sit and listen to her when she’s upset and let her speak but if it’s just me telling about something good to watch on tv she somehow finds a way to get it back into the conversation. This is virtually every time we speak.

Yep. She cries and says she hates having to sort stuff in the house but it’s only what the rest of us have to do all the time. She’s financially very secure and so could have help (cleaner/gardener) if she really felt she needed it but again she brushes it off or guilt trips us that she’s doing it all alone and we haven’t helped. This is despite the fact that every time I visit I end up doing some DIY or clearing something out.

I'm fairly certain that I was guilty of that the first two years.

i can quite understand that you won't want to re-live the trauma since you were there at the time.

Is there any possibility at all that you could log onto her FB account and simply click on something like the Widow Warriors account a few times (but without signing her up to it). There are a few similar groups. I hope that this link works.

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100077890779631

That way, it might come up into her feed and induce her to read some of the posts?

I’m sorry for your loss. What support do YOU have?

You somehow have to transition from emergency care to a new normal. You’re going to have to endure living with the negativity she is generating and find another way of judging whether what you are providing is reasonable.

Bounce it back to her. What does she think would help? Other than her children dancing attendance?

Do you have children, because if you do they are your primary responsibility and you have to be well rested enough to look after them.
You have to learn to say no, and not to do the DIY or sorting.
You could have this for another 35 years, so you really need help to get her to grow up. You are all going to have to harden yourselves to her tears, and tantrums.
I am very sympathetic to her, and your loss, but what happens now sets the pattern for the next 35 years. And if you are young enough to not yet be in peri, your hormones will soon shorten your patience to none existent.

Practically, we have a A5 local booklet that gardeners, odd job people and so on all advertise in, and is delivered through the door with the post every couple of months. It is really useful, so refer to that when she needs things doing.

Goodness. Your father obviously indulged her and she knows no different. I am 64 now and my DH died unexpectedly when my children were little. I had family for the first week helping me with stuff but after that (my siblings live in another country and my mother was mid 80s) it was me. I guess having the kids helped as I couldn’t fall apart and had to keep things going for them. That was 16 years ago.
Your mum needs to grow up. At 62 she’s perfectly capable of learning how to pay her bills and organise repair people. She’s leaning on you like she did her husband, but you are not her husband. I agree with PP some tough love and boundaries are needed. You are not leaving her helpless. She needs to take care of her own life now. Just stand firm and don’t get guilt tripped into her narrative (get your siblings on board with this). If she truly will not accept her responsibilities then maybe a retirement home is appropriate that can provide the assistance she wants.

Hmm, ok. First off I am sorry for her loss. Which of course is also your loss, if she but remembers that. Shes 62, not 82. You all live away and have your own lives. Sounds like your dad indulged her which was great, but now might be (is) time to develop resilience and stand on her own feet. I think you and your siblings need to discuss boundaries and taking a bit of a stand rather than doing so much for her going forward.

I'm a widow, (it's a fairly recent bereavement,) and I think you have to be patient with your mum. Before I was bereaved I was confident, capable and outgoing, worked ft, very responsible job, now I'm a mess. I actually underestimated how much I relied on my husband and things that I did routinely before, like a food shop, have become, on some days virtually impossible. I know from loosing people earlier in my life that grief doesn't disappear it just gets easier to live with, so she will adapt over time. Having said althat you have been bereaved too and it's hard to cope with that and your mum's grief. As pp has suggested trying to work out some sort of rota with your siblings and carry on pushing paid help. If you have been a couple it's hard to become the person responsible for everything, it's unnerving. Paid help would remove some if the worry.

Sorry for your loss.
I think you have to start having a few boundaries - things like gardening and DIY, say that you're here to visit and what you will help with (admin?) but you don't want to spend your time gardening - if there's stuff that needs doing, you can find details for a gardener for her to contact.
She has been used to the princess treatment from your Dad but sadly, that's not her life now. It's a double whammy of a loss - she's lost both her husband and companion and also her way of living.
As she gets used to this new normal, either she will realise she has to be proactive and reach out to friends and colleagues or she may become resentful that her kids aren't filling the gaps.
Be clear about how often you will visit, what you will do (and won't) - could you take it in turns between your siblings to invite Mum on holiday - even if it's a weekend in the UK?
By both your words and your actions make it clear that you will be there for her, but that you also have your own lives and your priorities are with your own children.
She may need to talk about what happened in order to process it, but that doesn't mean it has to be you listening - you can stop the conversation and say that you can't keep talking about this as it's upsetting for you.

I'm a recent widow and about the same age as your mum (I'm 59 and DH died 6 months ago). My DH also died suddenly.
7 months ago I was part of a team. I was strong, independent, capable and when things went wrong we worked together to fix them. That's been taken away. Honestly, I'm not that person anymore.
Now I am barely hanging on by my fingernails. I don't know what this new life is. If everyday things go wrong it is overwhelming, not because of "the thing" but because it takes me beyond my coping limit. This could be why, what is an inconvenience to you, feels like the end of the world to her.
Your mum will probably be the only one of her peer group who is widowed. She probably doesn't fit in with her friends anymore. Having no-one who "gets it" is hard. I have joined a couple of online bereavement groups and there are more people like me there who understand. Honestly it does help.
Talking about your dad's death is probably helping her. I think it's the mind's way of processing it. You have to gently tell her you can't do it. It's hurting you and, again, signpost her to online groups if she doesn't want therapy (I'm not ready for that yet either).
I differ from your mum in that I don't want my family staying with me or pity invites. But I do talk about DH a lot. I like to.
It's up to your mum to decide what her life will be like going forward. I think you have to let her know she can't keep relying on you the way she has been.
Ultimately this grief is the loneliest path she will ever have walked. She is looking for someone (you and your siblings) to fix her. In reality it can't be fixed.

I can empathise with you, my mum is somewhat similar.
Mum was 76 when my Dad passed in May 2020.
He has left a big hole in her (our) life, although living in a small village she never learnt to drive, Dad drove her everywhere, and they went out for coffee everyday.
He did all the maintenance around the house, ironed his own clothes.
they moved house from the village I grew up in, to near where I live now approximately 10 years before he died.

She didn’t/hasn’t made any effort to make new friends, then or now, but however tells me how lonely she is, she sees my sister (who works part time) twice a week. she catches the bus in to town every morning has a coffee, a little shopping then comes home.
I work full time so see her and take her for coffee every Sunday as the buses don’t run on a Sunday.

She doesn’t have broad band and will not let me show her her how to use a smartphone,
She is totally reliant on us to order her shopping and have it delivered as she cannot use a smart phone, let alone a tablet.

She will complain about almost everything but won’t do anything about it.
Health wise, she’s lucky she is mostly ok, but will complain about the certain things she had wrong with her over the years.

She too is lucky enough to have a decent private pension plus savings..
And unfortunately her memory isn’t as good as it was and forgets things.

My sister has mentioned a few times now as to what will happen when she can no longer cope in her own home. I have two ‘adult’ children living at home still, both on minimum wage so won’t be moving out any time soon, I can just see us turning our dining room into bedroom .

sorry for the essay, it has been therapeutic just to get this all out,
sorry for rambling on