Grandpa died - explaining grief?

[AnxiousLurker]

My dad died last weekend, after a prolonged period of hospital admission and declining health. It was somewhat expected, there was a rapid deterioration a few days before (but the final decline was unexpected, hence the somewhat) and my 3 year old knew for the whole time that he was in hospital and he wasn’t very well.

My DD has been told. She had it explained to her in a way that his body has stopped working and he went to heaven. Later in the day, when I took his grandpa blanket home to keep, she got annoyed at me for taking his blanket so I explained it again. Then she asked if he was in a new hospital. So, while I know she isn’t going to fully get it yet, I was wondering how to convey the finality of the situation to her.

And, as an aside, if anybody can share any stories with me about coping with overwhelming grief during summer holidays with a pre-schooler.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your DD is so little, she is really going to struggle to comprehend however you explain it to her as their understanding of time and permanence is very fluid at this age. So there really aren't magic words or any trick you are missing, you probably will continue to have odd questions and funny responses for a while yet. I think what you've done and said so far is absolutely right and you probably just need to keep repeating/answering questions in really simple, almost blunt language e.g. if she asks can we go and play with grandpa, 'No darling, I'm sorry but we can't. Grandpa died. When someone is dead we can't see or play with them ever again'.

Personally I avoid talking too much to very little children about going to heaven, not because of religious belief but more that they don't really get heaven as a concept, they can understand the idea of going off to a nice place, but their experience of people going to places e.g. Going to the shops, going to work, going on holiday, even going to hospital is that the person then comes back again (or at least even if they don't come back that you could theoretically go and see them in the other place). So I think if you emphasize heaven too much she will keep expecting him to come back one day, or keep asking to go and see him in heaven, and she may also be concerned about things like removing his possessions from his house. I know it's hard to use such blunt words when you're deep in grief but if you can say to her that he is dead or has died I think she will understand a bit better.

In terms of how you manage with your own grief, it's so hard but I'd take it day to day and be very kind to yourself. If you need to keep your world very small, lots of time at home or very low key that's absolutely fine, 3 year old won't suffer from a bit of extra screen time or not being taken on lots of holiday outings or whatever. If you have people willing to help you out by looking after her (or can use paid for childcare) while you take care of practicalities or just to have some time to yourself take full advantage. Don't be afraid to let her see you cry or be feeling sad, I think it's really helpful for kids to see adults expressing emotions (within reason, if you need to scream and punch the wall or similar perhaps save that for when she's not around). When my kids were little and we lost parents we were very much told to shield them from all expressions of grief and keep everything completely normal for them but in hindsight that must have been so confusing, their beloved grandparent was gone but everyone was acting as though nothing had happened? Good luck and do keep posting here, people are so kind and helpful...

I'm so sorry for your loss. She doesn't understand, heaven could be someone else's house or a shop.
Keep it really simple. Grandpa died because his body didn't work any more. This happens when we are very very very old. It means we can't see Grandpa any more but we can always talk about him or look at pictures.

As she gets older I'd add in people also die if they get very ill and their body can't fix itself or if they have a very bad accident, but for now this is a simple version.

Please use really plain blunt words not euphemisms, and repeat as many times as needed. Being clear helps them understand quicker and avoids unintended consequences. They may forget, they may not seem to care, they may get really upset then minutes later be absolutely fine, all completely normal with little ones. It’s fine to include her in whatever rituals etc you are having eg funeral, wake but I highly recommend having a friend, partner, in laws are often a good idea to take her out and entertain her so you can grieve as much as you need to, it’s fine to cry in front of her too but explain using simple language eg I’m crying because I’m sad due to grandad dying.

look after yourself

I personally love the book the invisible string for this.
To explain even if Grandad is no longer here- our love for him goes on... Sometimes getting them to draw their favourite thing about Grandad helps
However 3 is very young- and my daughter experienced grief at 2,3,4 and 5. Only at 5 did she get the reality that they aren't coming back...
We explained it at 2,3,4 that their bodies didn't work and they died to get the finality of death. At 5 we explained it as Grandad (a Christian like us) had gone to bed with Jesus and is dancing in heaven ... At 5 she got it in a way she hadn't previously....
Sorry for your loss- losing your parents is hard so be kind to yourself

I’m sorry for your loss. Picture books can help as PP has said. The library staff should be able to advise.
There is some useful information on this site for different age groups.

https://www.childbereavementuk.org/childrens-understanding-of-death-at-different-ages

My DC and then my GC grew up with grandparents and great grandparents so we talked about bodies wearing out but they had a good life and were really old. We always talked in terms of people living on in memories and in your heart and in the things that you do or like eg my dad gave me a love of classical music and taught me to give to charity. Buy The Paper Dolls by Julia Donaldson. Sending my condolences.

Sorry for your loss.

I used to work with children but at 3 years old she's too young to truly understand.

Could you start to explain the concept of life by using a seed that blooms into a flower that then fades away? Just to introduce the cycle of life?

Another option is to start talking about heaven - and how some people have to go to heaven but they are still watching over you both?

Personally I would keep it as simple as possible - she'll naturally ask questions over the next few years.

Create an album of photos and memories of Grandad for her - or a memory box? Keep something he's written too - a card or even a shopping list. Write her a list of Grandad's favourite things/memories to discuss in the future.

As for you, it's one day at a time. I know from my own experiences - it's difficult. Some days you'll be able to smile about a memory, then another day something will bring it all back to you - even silly things like a favourite food, song or smell.

Thinking of you 💐 You're a great Mum x

So sorry for your loss op. I hope you are ok and go easy on yourself. In relation to your DD it's probably best to explain it clearly. Use the word 'died'. Answer all questions truthfully. Sugar coating death for small kids and using eupamisms can be confusing for them.

I've said this before but of all the euphemisms out there, 's/he'll watch over you' is one I would really be very careful of. A well meaning relative saying this to me after the death of my grandmother was the source of weeks of nightmares as a child. To be fair I would have been a little older than the OP's DD and the grandmother in question had been a rather intimidating, stern lady, perhaps more feared than beloved, but I got muddled up with the concept her being 'up in the sky'/up in heaven and also watching me, and came to believe she now lived in my bedroom ceiling from where she would oversee all my misdeeds and peer down at me in a ghoulish fashion, particularly at night when I was sleeping 😲 😦😨I couldn't even really explain this to my mother for fear of disrespecting/angering ceiling grannie, so it took her ages to get to the bottom of why I was so upset. Silly to look back on now but these are the sorts of things that can happen with very young children who take what you say literally.

I think it's absolutely fine to talk about heaven if that's your belief but it needs to be in a more concrete way for little kids, making it absolutely clear that being in heaven is a permanent state so they don't expect the person back, and that there's no interaction between people in heaven and people on earth, not even kindly interaction. I would even be careful about talking about how you'll see Grandpa again in heaven, because that can lead to further difficult questions about when will they die and so on, plus false hope, even if you firmly believe in seeing your relatives again in the afterlife, expecting a pre schooler to wait a lifetime to do so without additional upset is naive...

All of this. The idea of someone or something still being present after dying is often not reassuring at all for kids, it's quite a freaky notion to contemplate. When I was three my rabbit died - my big worry was that she would somehow "undie" (not be alive again as I knew her, just stop being dead) and attack me. If I thought she was watching me I'd never have slept again. No idea why I was worried about this, she was a lovely little thing, but that was how my mind worked.

Highly recommend the Why do things die? Book by Katie Daynes. It goes through lots of questions and then gives answers, at a level they understand or can begin to develop their understanding. I found it really useful to support how I framed responses when my Dad died. It became quite a regular storybook around that time as she processed it and let's face it, anything with lift the flaps is a winner!

I’m so sorry for your loss of your dad.

Winston’s wish is a very useful charity for dealing with grief in children and has lots of really useful information on explaining it to children. I found it very useful when DD lost her DGGPs (1 initially and the final 2 quite close together only a year later - she knew all 3 very well) not that much older than your DD.

So sorry for your loss 💐 it’s so hard navigating grief with children x I find they can stall your grief, but also they provide something positive to focus on. My husband died last year, and I have a five year old and a one year old. I do cry infront of them but I just explain mummy misses daddy and it’s not their fault.

The Hospice team informed me that it is very common for those under five to not really get the finality of death. I was warned that my daughter might ask when her dad might come back. You’ve done the right thing telling her in plain words. She might continue to ask until her brain is developed enough to understand. I can imagine it is very painful having to explain things over again so I am very sorry you are going through this.

I was also advised that the best thing is to keep them in their usual routine as much as possible.

Im not sure if this would be advised or not but I found it helpful for my daughter to have a physical place to go, so we have my late husband’s ashes and a photo of him next to it in the house. She will often bring him trinkets and pictures she has made. I told her in the beginning that daddy’s body has changed shape and it’s now “sand” but daddy is in there and he’s not hurting anymore he’s resting…a pretty hard concept for a child to get their head round but I wasn’t sure how else to describe it. I tried the concept of how people’s bodies go back into the ground eventually and then trees and flowers grow, but she didn’t like the thought of him being in the ground and she didn’t understand the concept. I think at such a young age it might be best to be very literal x

Thank you all so much for your kind words and helpful tips.

At that age I said they’d gone away on a very special vacation ( I didn’t call it a holiday as they knew that word) and wouldn’t be coming back. And he left his blanket specially for her, as he didn’t need any more

So what was vacation supposed to mean to them? You deliberately didn't use holiday, so left them with an unknown to try and fill themselves. "They've gone away on a very special amdyhydroid" - it means nothing.