Drowning in nostalgia/sentimentality

[BrickBuilt]

I hope it is ok to post here, as it’s related to bereavements but a while ago. I’m sorry if it’s insensitive to anyone. I really need help

My DM died four years ago; fully anticipated as she had cancer and actually a “good death” iyswim. Because of a complicated family situation though I’ve only just finished dealing with her estate, which has been stressful. On top of that there have been three other bereavements of close family members, one of which was quite traumatic for me personally (horrible medical emergency) and it seems to have been one funeral after another for the next two years

I feel like I’m wallowing in a state of nostalgia and I really should be able to move on. I suppose some is natural as you deal with things and places from your past and reconnect with people at funerals and so on, but it’s like everything I do is getting tainted with “remember when we used to” or just getting sentimental about childhood and old acquaintances

I have a good life - I enjoy my work, have nice friends, and DH and I get on really well and do lots of nice things together. Young adult DC are doing well but the last one has just gone off to uni which has been yet another “change” (although I do like having a quiet house!) and probably doesn’t help the “looking backwards”.

It feels like I’m wasting all the nice times that we have though by overshadowing them with nostalgia that really should know its place by now. Reading this back it’s clear that I need a good kick to get out of this but I just don’t know how! Can anyone help please?

Sorry to hear that OP. My DM died nearly 5 years ago and I can really relate to this. There have been 2 more deaths as well, and it feels like my family of origin has gone completely. I go through phases of both anger and grief, but I do seem to move a little closer towards acceptance with time. Other posters often say counselling is helpful, if that is an option for you? You aren't alone.

Thank you @MujeresLibres and I’m sorry for your losses too.

Yes it does feel like the “old guard” of the family are now gone; I’m glad you are starting to accept it and I hope I will too

I wonder about counselling; in all of these situations I’ve just had to carry on (one day off work when my DM died due to inescapable commitments, and all sorts of family things at that time, for example). Maybe this is just me finally processing it all, which is not great

That sounds very hard for you. Perhaps being so busy made it difficult for you to fully process your grief? For me, it really seems like 'part 2' of my life, and that's a feeling that just continues to grow. I notice you use the word 'wallowing'; do you feel you're being self-indulgent when you consider you memories? I had all kinds of strange ideas when I was in deep grief. I thought of moving back to my home town where I'd lived with my parents. I tried to restart some friendships that had drifted, because I couldn't bear the idea that new friendships wouldn't know my parents. I have kept in touch with a couple of my parents close friends, and I find conversations very naturally flow around their memories and it seems to be comforting to both of us when we chat.

I understand exactly what you mean. My father died some years ago. My mother is seriously ill and requires 24 hour care. A year ago she was well for her age and completely self sufficient.

For the past year, I've found myself constantly looking backwards, ruminating over the past and agonising over decisions that I made.

My inner child is finding it hard to accept that life will never be the same again. If only we had a time machine.

When I have big feelings I indulge them for a while. I will put on 'Everybody Hurts' or Dido's 'Thank you' (remember that?) of a special song and crying and drink wine and be sad and then make a choice to leave it there and go to be or call a friend to talk about something different or watch a comedy or plan something new to do to make me happy.

Nostalgia is lovely and it has its place.

I think it's quite normal OP. My parents died six and three years ago, and I recently lost a cousin, the last person in her branch of the family. Each day I seem to spend time thinking of how life used to be and how much I miss it and the people who have gone. However, I don't look at this as a bad thing, I know life must go on but also those memories need to be kept alive - as long as they don't overshadow everything else.

When I was visiting my DM in her rest home several years ago I overheard a couple of women, in their 80s/90s, saying how they missed their parents and I thought how odd to be saying that at their advanced age. Now I understand it.

Thank you for all your replies; it’s helpful to hear your experiences (and I’m sorry PPs have felt similar)

It does feel self-indulgent @MujeresLibres and I wish I could get over it; also though I don’t enjoy the nostalgia and don’t think it’s healthy for me

I did have a little cry last night after posting this @NewDogOwner and managed to get it out of my system; I think there is a lot still unprocessed, and I feel a bit battered and bruised. I have a busy few weeks coming up, without much “sadmin” so do, so hopefully that might help me buck up out of it!

Hugs all round

I can fully relate to this.

My lovely Mum died suddenly 5 years ago and since then one of my DD's moved to live abroad and the other has left to go to Uni. My Father then also passed away, my auntie got very sick and is now in a care home, I sold my parents home, where I grew up, and last November my best friend died.

I feel very overwhelmed sometimes by the life that has been put before me, much of which I didn't chose or want. The constant change and constantly having to adapt has been really hard.

I found myself constantly looking backwards and reminiscing instead of being able to move forwards. Part of me resented that life as I knew it has gone. I will never get those days back again and it has been very hard to accept at times.

Counselling did help me very much. A proper bereavement counsellor helped me with my grief and just allowing me to talk out loud about how all the change affected me and how losing my Mother turned my world on its head was worth every penny of the fee she charged me.

I do still look back and grieve. I still reminisce and sometimes long for the good old days when my children needed me and my parents were still alive. I still occasionally feel overwhelmed by it and find myself catching my breath and my heart hurting when I think of my Mum. But for the most part now I look back with a smile and a warm heart instead of feeling sadness.

I think I always will, no matter how much time passes but I think this is perfectly normal. I will always miss my Mum, and my Dad, and my best friend but I feel grateful that I had them which surpasses other feelings of grief now.