Church service followed by direct cremation, is this the right choice?

[Anamechangeisnotjustforchristmas]

Hello all. I’m in bits just now and really need some advice.

My step mother has recently passed and I’m making all the arrangements as there is no other family that want to be involved apart from my Dad (her husband). I was her carer in her last years so am well aware of her wishes in most things.

Me and my father were thinking about a church ceremony but then saying goodbye to her at the church. After which she would be taken to a place for a direct cremation.

The reason for this is, although she wanted cremation, she was really religious and the church was the most important thing to her. And the idea of going to the crematory with just a few people is so depressing for me.

I think after the church service with all the smells and the bells and the music etc etc it would feel like such a let down to have such a wonderful service and finish it in such a sad way. The other option is we have a close family only at the crem but nobody from her family has reached out to me to say anything about the planning.

Our church is beautiful and we have a good relationship with them. They will be providing the full works for her service. Music candles incense etc etc.

My heart is telling me we say goodbye at the church. Not travel across town to watch her coffin go through a curtain. Am I doing the wrong thing?

Please forgive any typos. I’m crying as I write this.

@Anamechangeisnotjustforchristmas I'm sorry for your loss. Its really a difficult time. Personally I would say my goodbyes at the church. It clearly meant a lot to her. Sending hugs 🫂💐🙏❤️

You could arrange the direct cremation then have a memorial service at the church later - a friend of mine had this as she had always been a church goer and after the memorial her ashes were interred in the church grounds.

I had a church service for my husband. Then a cremation. The church service was fabulous. Funny, uplifting,lots of fabulous singing. The minister was a great friend so it was lovely. A lot of people then went on to the crematorium. That service was far more stark and real and just harrowing as the curtain closed. He was only 50.

Would I have not done the cremation...I don't know....it certainly gave a finality to it and I think it would have been strange seeing his coffin going away without me....though in reality it's no different seeing it drive away from the church.

Some of our church members did a private cremation then had a church service of Thanksgiving straight after...but then you don't have the coffin. I don't know how I would have felt about it.

I'm not sure what I would do now...not much help for you but may give you some things to work through.
Whatever, do what's right for you and the family.
Sorry for your loss.

That’s what we did for my mum who was an active member of her church. We stayed at the church after the service and had food in the hall to be with all the people that had come for the service. It felt like the right thing to do. The minister did ask if we wanted him to go with her body to the crematorium and it was only really then that I realised it might be unusual not to accompany it. She was very practical though and would have seen her body as empty and wouldn’t have minded us not being there. She would have wanted us to host her friends and relations.
My sister and I went to the crematorium the next day to look at the flowers and messages that were laid out there for her.
I’m pleased we did it like this in retrospect.

I'm sorry for your loss. I think you should do whatever feels right for you and your Dad.
My parents were both cremated . We had a church service, tea afterwards then to the crematorium. Only a small proportion of those who attended the service went to the crematorium and it felt more personal and quite peaceful. I'm glad we did it that way.

We did this for my aunt. She was a dedicated member of her church, we a requiem funeral and then did the prayers of commendation at the church gate. She went onto be cremated as we had done all the bits that mattered to her. We said goodbye and felt it was no different to saying goodbye to the coffin at the crem. The ashes were then interred at a later date in the church graveyard.

I regret travelling 4 miles to the Crematorium straight after the church service, just me,my brother and spouses, for a sterile committal for my mum. Nothing was added - it had all happened at church.
By the time we got back to the 'reception' - traffic was bad - some people had had to leave and I still feel a bit sad about that.

I would have done it differently, eg much later slot at Crematorium at least,but you get organised into it by funeral directors.

So, no, do what you think is best for you.
It's hard enough. Sorry for your loss

Yes, it’s a good arrangement. We did it for my Gran in law and I was surprised how well it worked. Otherwise you trail off somewhat.

Oh OP sending hugs xx 💐

When you say "direct creamation" do you mean one of those companies who advertise on daytime tv or at your local crematorium?

If the daytime tv kind. There was negative press about them on jeremy vine bbc radio 2 on wednesday and your loved one goes straight to their crematorium and not to the family at all xx

I can’t express my gratitude for your replies. It’s incredibly helpful.

I think it sounds very good for your mum and your family.

I agree with this. We had a church service for my Dad and then my mother, siblings and I went straight to the crematorium which meant that we arrived to the wake much later than everyone else. I absolutely wish I had spent that time with friends and family at the wake. The crematorium service offered no real comfort, just an extra sadness really.

Sorry for your loss.
When DH died, I really didn't want two services. I had been to crem services and they are grim.
The church service was the important part for us so I had him cremated beforehand and straight after the service we buried his casket in the churchyard. The service went perfectly - lots of friends and family, great music and good eulogies. Then we all went to the pub for sandwiches and beer as per his wishes.

A direct cremation is where the body goes direct to the crematorium from the funeral home and there are no mourners attending. You couldn’t do it after a church service with a coffin present. Where I live, it’s more usual to have the crematorium bit first with mourners and then a church service without the coffin. Is that an option?

I did this for my DM, for the same reasons as you. The crem is in a bleak part of town and I felt saying goodbye at the church was the same as saying goodbye at the crem. The final journey is always alone. The funeral director said a lot of people opt for this, though they don't call it direct cremation as the body came to the church and we still wanted control over which slot we had at the crem (directly following the church service) In the end her partner went to the crem with the vicar, the funeral director and a friend, and we were able to keep the option open for more of us to decide on the day and I I didn't feel the need. Much preferred going straight to the wake.

We had the option of doing it the other way round but I wanted the coffin at the church. As a fallback they could have taken it back to the funeral directors but they were able to line it up. It was a "tailored funeral package" though, not the basic one.

Could you ask a friend to accompany her to the crem? We did this for my dad. Had a church funeral and then his brother and a friend accompanied him to the crem directly from church while we stayed behind to talk to the mourners in church/cup of tea etc. We had to ask his brother and friend if they would do that and of course they were glad to.

PS although her partner did accompany her in the end. I would have been fine with no one going. The funeral directors would have accompanied her respectfully the same way they did on the way to the church. The vicar wanted to go for his own religious reasons but was totally understanding about the family not wanting to.

I don't think that's true. I recently attended a funeral for someone who was very involved with the church. There was a church service, then the family went outside with the coffin and said goodbye. The undertakers took it to the crem. The family came back inside the church and set up a lovely buffet. The flowers from the coffin were left at the church and all mourners were encouraged to take a few home with them.

It was absolutely lovely and worked like clockwork rather than everyone having to get to the crem and then the afterdo. But I guess a church would only do this if you were one of their parishioners.

My dad did is that way. He had been part of the same church for 82 years so we had the big service there. His body then went onto the crematorium. He was clear on his wishes that following the church we all go to the working mens’ club for his wake.

It felt sad watching the hearse leave the church without us but we were sad anyway. What he wanted was most important.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

What about no one attending the cremation and just having a separate service at the church. It depends what feels right for you and the family. We have had a couple of direct cremations with no one present in our family and it really works for us. We have a get together separately. It what everyone in my immediate family (my mum, siblings, husband and adult kids) all want.
My Dad died a couple of years ago and we booked the direct crem online without any service at all, we didnt want any further information about when or where it was taking place and did not want the ashes afterwards. I think the crematorium sprinkle the ashes in their gardens but I don’t know if that’s true. Basically to us the physical remains were of no importance or significance.

With my mums funeral we had a service at the local church. Neither my dad or me are religious but she was and I think would have liked that. It was a lovely service and so many people came. We then went to the crematorium afterwards, but I think it would be perfectly fine not to attend that part if you’ve had a lovely church service.

Yes, beware the term 'direct cremation', that is no service at all. Those tv ads are so misleading! You can have your lovely funeral in a church, followed by a non-attended cremation. The funeral director will explain. If you did wish to go to the crematorium, you don't have to see the coffin disappearing through the curtain. We left the coffin in place, so we could touch it and say our final goodbyes. So sorry for your loss OP x

I think that’s absolutely fine, I’m sorry for your loss

There honestly isn’t a ‘right way’ - do whatever feels most right to you. When my mum died, we did things in reverse. We had a small service at the crem for just close friends and immediate family and then we went on to a church service which was more of a ‘celebration of life’. We’d left the coffin behind but we brought the flowers with us to the church.

After the lovely, lovely service, we had food and a bit of an open mic where people could share their favourite memories of my mum. It was honestly the toughest and yet most joyful thing I’ve done.

But ultimately, do what best feels right to you. ❤️