Dad has died, difficult brother involved, and I am dreading the funeral

[foel]

Dad aged 91. Last 2 years in care home where he didn't know where he was or who I was. In a way its a blessing

He was not be any stretch the worlds best Dad. He treated me badly, upset my wife multiple times and didn't even want to know his grandkids. BUT I stuck by him when he didn't really deserve it maybe.

Problem is only brother. 2 years ago we fell out he had an idea that someone should visit Dad at home twice a day - I lived miles away and couldn't commit. I don't have a problem with him but it ended up with him threatening to kill me if I ever visited Dad again. (Not the first time hes done this mind!)

I just avoided him and still visited Dad. Ended up sorting out Dads care home and visiting every week. For some reason brother did a 360 and visited twice in 2 years.

So Dads gone. I had to phone him. He wasn't bothered just wanted to know when the money was coming. His wife has even invited me over for a "family get together". Umm I don't think so

I'm arranging funeral and everything. Dreading the actual funeral. Is it OK to not have a wake?

I'm happy to just say hello and be civil but got a bad feeling about it. My dear wife (who I know is supporting me) may not be able to ignore them if they come over.

Any suggestions?

I am sorry you are having to deal with this as well as the loss of your father. Well done for all you did for him.

Sorry about your dad and about your difficult brother.

are there going to be other people at the funeral or wake? other cousins or friends? but sometimes when someone is 90, their friends have gone before and so it can be quite a small funeral.

you are not at all obliged to have a wake or any extras. if the funeral is a large gathering, it is nice to give people the option to get a coffee together and reminisce. but if it is just you and your brother, then there is no obligation to host him.

You don’t have to have a funeral, you could opt for a simple cremation. We did this for my mum as that’s what she wanted.
Did your father leave a will? If so, who is the executor? If not, I’d advise you apply for letters of administration asap before your brother does.

Have you considered a no fuss cremation? They do everything and then deliver the ashes afterwards, or spread in their own garden of remembrance if that’s what you prefer. No need for a funeral or wake.

Sounds like your brother didn't want his future inheritance spent on care home fees, but expected you to do all the caring for free.
I wouldn't have a wake. Can always just invite a couple of close family members after to your house if you want. Definitely don't involve your brother.

If someone has threatened to kill you, it’s sensible not to go to their house.

You dont even have to have a funeral if you dont want to. It’s increasingly common these days, although I appreciate you might want to have that chance to say goodbye to your Dad. But it would avoid any unpleasantness. You could always say goodbye in a different way once you receive his ashes?

Sorry @Wistfulwisteria I missed that you had already suggested this!

Sorry but I read this "His wife has even invited me over for a "family get together" as a money 'discussion' opportunity seeing as brother has already asked about money so quickly.
It is absolutely ok not to have a wake @foel

If your father didn't have many friends or family left then not having a wake makes sense. Perhaps booking a restaurant for a lunch/dinner afterwards for just close family would be better as long as you can confirm numbers in advance. Maybe if there's not many people left/wanting to attend then a straight to cremation is possible? Sometimes people just don't deserve adoration of a full funeral. When my Fil died he'd stipulated that he should have a full memorial service (yes he was a bit of a narc). Did he get it? Nope, just a crematorium service and a small wake at the local sports club room for hire.
Sorry for your loss but it's ok to feel relieved or not devastated 💐

I an sorry for your loss. Gently....in these circumstances you now need to do what is best for your family.

If your father wasnt a particularly nice man who upset you and your wife and refused to see grandchildren then maybe its better for your wellbeing that you dont have a funeral. You dont have to have any unwanted contact with a violent nasty sibling and you arent obliged to have either a funeral or a wake.

Would a simple cremation be better and less upsetting and stressful. Funerals are for the living and you now need to put yourself and your wife and children first.

Most of Dads family and friends are gone but there are cousins....

I just know he (or more likely his wife) is going to come over and try to speak to me. I just dont want to be near him.

another problem - we're both joint executors....

Dads fault this is. He knew what my brother was like, knew what he'd done in the past.

I never expected him to take sides just call things out based on the facts. He knew brother had threatened me "many" times but just swept it all under the carpet.

I told him years ago that joint executor just would not work - pick one of us. Same result.

Well, maybe. In the end got Dad CHC funding so the NHS paid for it all.

Never told brother this of course.

Oh this is brothers MO down to a tee....

Have an idea (i.e. the 2 daily visits thing), lose temper when you don't get your own way, get a bit bored and do the complete opposite (like I said 2 visits in 2 years), then pretend nothing ever happened (as hes doing now)

His wife was awful to me years ago as well. Sent me (and my wife) abusive texts etc. Now she wants to be friends!

Of course, I know bottom line the money subject is there as well.

Oh yes Dad was indeed a very strange man. Had ideas in his head and that was it - he was right, that's how it worked and that was the end of it. Older he got worse he got.

I always used to say Dad was the complete bigot - racist, homophobic, sexist. Some of his views and things he did are legendary. I used to wish sometimes I was gay then he'd have disowned me lol.

Dad used people. They were there for his benefit inc me. This is why he never bothered with his grandkids - in fact, I'm sure he thought of them as a hinderance. (If I had other commitments other than him i.e. my kids then it meant he didn't have 100% of my time and energy to do things for him).

Years ago I stopped taking the kids to see him (especially after once or twice he said "oh you've brought her with you")

I remember telling Dad we were having a baby (theres 10 years between our 2 kids - 2nd one whos 13 now we were old parents in our 40s). No congratulations at all - he actually said "what on earth are you doing that for?" "You're too old" etc. I realised afterwards, as above, another child was a new blocker for him having my full attention.....

Its difficult to forget these things. I couldn't abandon him but some of these things....

I don't know even now if I could do something that he wouldn't want if that makes sense? Church and funeral yet. Wake he would probably have moaned at spending money so maybe not.

Think my main worry is that his wife is going to come over and want to play happy families. Not interested in that. I can just avoid him.

My dear wife is probably not so calm. She would ALWAYS be on my side so can't fault her there.
BUT can think of nothing worse than a massive argument breaking out...

As joint executor you have 3 choices. Deal with the estate as the Will specifies in conjunction with your brother, resign your position as executor and leave it for him to deal with or ask him to resign as executor for you to deal with.

Just don’t rise to any bait. Polite small talk. If they try to raise anything about inheritance or the will just say now is not the time. Stay dignified and don’t give them anything to start an argument.

Looks like he's pretty much going to step aside and leave it all to me anyway by the looks.

In this case, should I ask him to resign?

Yeh its difficult. Previous experience has shown he has no boundaries - if hes got something to say it'll be anywhere anytime.

Sorry you're going through this OP. I have a very difficult relationship with my only brother (told me he hates me, sent me abusive messages, blocked me for years and years etc. etc. so not as bad as yours) but I begged my dad to either make one of us executor or remove me and he did neither. My dad is now dead and my mum is nearly 90. I'm dreading her going and having to deal with my brother. I can't wait to be out of the whole thing - the older I've got, I've realised my childhood and upbringing wasn't that good. I resent them all if I'm honest. Just do what you feel able to do - but it sounds like your dad had a lovely daughter he didn't deserve.

Is there a will? Is there money related stress?

Plan this carefully. Put all the family stuff to one side because a funeral is the ideal place for it to spill over in a hideous way. Small, basic, dignified. Try to enlist the help of the vicar. They have seen it all before and can deal with people well.

Plan an exit strategy.

So you have water tight boudaries.