i miss my Mum soooooo much

[lulu2]

My Mum died of breast cancer 4 years ago and yesterday i was busily shopping in sainsburys when i caught a glimpse of a lady and i so thought it was my Mum. It only lasted for a split second and i knew it wasn't her but it has been on my mind ever since.
Has anyone else experienced this? or am i going mad. The weird thing is i wasn't even thinking of her when it happened.
I felt like i couldn't tell dp cos he would think i was losing the plot but i told him this evening as it's been bothering me today.

My mum died of cancer several months ago. I am lost and sad and STUCK on areas of my life I know need changing.

I just don't know what to do........................
My mum and I never had a close relationship. As a youngster/teenager, I was pretty much the outsider of the family. My sister was always close to my mum but I just didn't want to be like that. I suppose in I was trying to be completely different to them.
I spent most of my time trying to please my dad but he was a bit of a bully to us all. Him and my sister never got on.
This time a 2 years ago, my mum became unwell and was off work. This was nothing unusual as she was usually complaining of being unwell.
As Christmas approached she was no better and by January she was being sick quite often. Eventually my dad forced her to go to the doctor and she was taken into hospital for some tests.
My sister and I made the usual comments to each about our mother being a hypercondriac.
A few days passed and the results came back as Advanced Bowel Cancer.
At that point I realised what a horrible person I had been to her all my life.
We were told that with treatment she would have at least 9 months but without, then it would be much less.
I spent every moment I could with her but how do you put right 37 years?
I made sure she had everything she needed, I stayed with her when they did a liver biopsy as she was refusing to have it.
She was in hospital for around 2 weeks and was then allowed to come home before the treatment started.
At home she pretty much just gave up. My dad was looking after her but it was too much for them both.
On the day she was due to go for her first bout of treatment the consultant took one look at her and admitted her as he said she was very dehydrated.
She was in an awful state. I sent my sister and dad a home and then stayed with her again and calmed her down.
She stayed in hospital and after a blood transfusion she seemed not too bad.
She was still too weak to have the treatment though.
She came home again but it was just too much for her so she was taken to the local hospice.
They were fantastic and looked after her really well.
They allowed me to visit her as often as I liked and I would take her in MacDonalds Thickshakes which she would devour.
We had many conversations just the two of us and we said lots of things to each other that we had never said before.
My sons would come in and see her too and my eldest who was almost 12 was fantastic with her.
She had been in the hospice for 2 weeks when my dad called me at work to say that she was not having a good day and it might be best if I go and see her now. My dad could be a bit dramatic at times so I did as I was told and made my way there, informing my sister on the way.
When I got there she looked awful, she was telling the nurses to tell me but I couldn't understand what was going on.
She was grey and was on oxygen.
I asked if I could speak with one of the doctors privately and was eventually ushered into a room.
The truth was, her organs were giving up and the chances were that she would not make it through the night.
I asked if maybe she would be the extreme and just recover but they said that it would be highly unlikely.
On going back into the ward my sister and dad were looking very edgy.
They both know what was going on and when we spoke it turned out that they did not want to be there with her at the end.
I suppose I was grateful that they didn't want to be there and said that they should probably just go and I would call them if anything changed.
At some point my mum had been given something that was just allowing her body to rest.
I stayed with her right until the end. I saw her take her last breath and saw the life from her eyes disappear.
She looked so peaceful, no frown on her face just a relaxed expression.
I remember sitting there for what seemed like an eternity. I kissing her on her forehead and said goodbye.
As I walked out of the ward, I was compelled to go back in just to see if she had come back.............................she hadn't, she had gone.

Almost 2 years on and I would do anything to put right all the hurt I caused her. She always did her best for me.

oh honey...that made me cry.it sounds to me like you had some very close time with your mum even though she was very poorly and the last thing to go when someone dies is their hearing so if you spoke to her in her final hours she wouldve known that you were there.i lost my mum alost 22yrs ago when i was 17.she dropped into a fit and had a heart attack and died in front of me when we were alone in the house.i think of her often and for a long time i regretted so much.but then i reached the point where i thought i cant change the past,only the future and i want to remember her for all the good things.none of my children got to meet her and i show them pictures and talk about her sometimes.i believe while you keep someone alive in your memory and in your heart they are still alive within you.only when you stop reembering ar they truly gone forever.as a mum i know deep in my heart no matter what happens between me and my rabble i will still love them and id like to think my mum thought the same about me.it never goes away but you do kind of except the situation.it doesnt stop me missing her very much,as you do your mum.i sincerely hope you can forgive whatever you felt you failed to be.it sounds like to me you had some quality precious time together before she left and whilst these may be difficult as she was unwell at least you got the chance to say goodbye and that you loved her.x

My mum only has a few weeks left at most. She has cervical cancer that has spread to lungs, bones & liver. I have a 10 week old DS (1st DC & GC). I don't know how to cope with this. I can't imagine life without my mum.

My lovely Mum died one month ago aged 69. She had MS and pancreatic cancer but the cancer was operable - she actually died 5 days after the operation because the MS or possibly a small stroke - we don't know - meant she never recovered from the major operation that was supposed to save her life. It was a total shock to me and my father (whose 80th birthday was 1 week after she died) as she seemed to be recovering. She died of a chest infection in just 4 hours - we couldn't get there in time. I am sure she didn't know she was dying, but during those five days told us she loved us and smiled so much, told me I was lovely. I feel so awful - I can't believe it.

I was totally unprepared for her death - it was only 6 weeks after diagnosis and we were told it was operable so we were totally focussed on her getting her through the operation and helping her recover at home - I had come down to be with her and Dad 6 weeks before she died, leaving my job and my husband - I am afraid I was in full-on fight mode, bossing her and constantly criticising her for things I perceived she was doing wrong (due to the MS, she was finding it increasingly hard to cope domestically - 20 packets of frozen fish in the freezer, keeping bedroom freezing - that sort of thing), I nagged her and criticised her for this that and the other (silly things that don't matter) - only because I was worried for her long-term. I also became depressed because I found out the long-term prognosis of the illness (which we kept from her), which I hate myself for now - why couldn't I have tried harder and been upbeat for her? She was so lovely and brave and never complained. She was so pleased I had come home and totally trusted me.

I just feel so, so guilty, because for the last 11 years since I left for university I have lived away from home. I am an only child and I was a late baby so my parents are older (I am 30). Always so close to Mum and Dad when a child and adolescent and they gave me everything - so much love. Particularly close to Mum, who never really wanted me to leave home. But since uni I have always lived between 2-3 hours away by car and could only see Mum and dad on weekends (though recently I have tried to spend one in 3 with them) and special occasions. The thing is I fell in love with my future husband at uni and because he decided to be a barrister, we lived in 3 cities all between 2-3 hours away as he tried to get a pupillage. We started in Bristol where he qualified, then moved to Essex for 3 years after marrying where we lived with his in-laws (which I so regret now-they are lovely but why didn't I spend that time with Mum?) so he could apply for jobs in London. Then last year he finally (randomly) got a pupillage in Leeds, which my parents were so pleased about. They were so proud I got married.

But my parents live in Warwickshire and so it was always 2-3 hrs by car from where we lived. He tried to get a job in the Midlands but it just didn't happen. Last year my Mum had breast cancer but it was early stage and she was successfully operated on. We went up for 10 days to help her through radiotherapy. The year before and this year we spent a lovely holiday with them in Greece - though the husband played merry hell and put me through hell about it. I have always given them a week before Xmas and Xmas Day because Mum loved to spend that time leading up to Xmas with me. But hubby always dragged me off for a week with his family on Boxing Day - always a source of tension between us (though I always thought it was time with dad that was limited - never Mum) I was so miserable on Boxing Day as we drove away and it broke Mum's heart every Boxing day and every time I drove away. She said, why doesn't he go and you stay here with us? But he wouldn't let me.

Loads of huge rows with husband about moving closer to home, but the job just didn't work out that way. But finally, he had the pupillage and we were planning on buying a house and having Mum and Dad to stay and looking after them in their old age and having kids, as soon as his pupillage was confirmed in August next year. But time just ran out for Mum. Suddenly and crullely, we have lost her - my best friend, my sunshine. I just feel so cheated and so very very guilty because I feel like I let her (and dad) down.

Didn't even want husband to be barrister as money not a problem thanks to Mum and Dad - so why did I let husband make me work full-time, reducing time with Mum further? I love husband but feel he has made me choose between him and my parents, and that they have been sacrificed for his career. Is this unfair?

Should I have made different decisions in my life? I feel I should have come home after uni, or certainly last year when she had breat cancer. But I was married and she was given the all-clear. Should I feel guilty? I know none of this changes anything or helps Mum now, but I can't help the questions, and I don't know what is 'normal' for others?

I am so sorry you lost your wonderful Mum, it is still such early days for you. I lost my 'sunshine' too (you are my sunshine was the song Mum sang to us and we had a verse put on her stone) in March 2009. I was 20 weeks pregnant and the following months were something of a blur. It wasn't until my son was a few months old that I contacted Cruse, I wasn't sure how they could help with the loss of someone so integral to my being but the lady who gave up her time every week to come and see me was amazing.

She gave me the chance to articulate every moment where I was uncomfortable with how I'd behaved and made me realise that everything I did was from love of my mother and fear of her loss. It has helped me in those times when I have a stab of regret to know that I didn't know how things were going to go and in actual fact I did do the best I could at the time given the way things were for me. You said your Mum was delighted you got married, and so while of course she wouldn't have wanted you to go on Boxing Day or other days she would also have understood your position and wanted what was easiest for you. Apologies if I'm speaking out of turn, I just know so well how much you go over in your mind, but with the help of time and the lovely lady from Cruse I can still have Mum as very much a part of my life without the accompanying pain (though of course there's still times I'm sidewinder by it I see it as a result of the deep love we shared so can accept it). I hope things can become clearer for you too and you're able to go a bit easier on yourself. All the very best.

Thank you ohfuschia for your kind and comforting words. I am so sorry for your loss too. Mum also used to sing that song to me and it also summed up how we felt about each other. I'm glad you got through the feelings of regret and are able to remember your Mum with happiness and have her as part of your life. Cruse have a 4-5 month waiting list where I live but maybe I can get some private counselling. It is getting a bit better each day. As you say I keep going over and over everything playing out how I could have done things differently. I know I couldn't have known what the future held (although her health problems made me want to be nearer to her) but somehow that's more of a torture to me rather than a comfort, as I was planning the future around Mum. I will never stop the regrets but I know I must not take it out on my husband as she wanted us to be happy together more than anything. And he also gave Mum and Dad some lovely times, the four of us together. I must look after Dad and stop worrying him with endless regrets as Mum wanted me to look after him (and so do I, more than anything).

The good thing is Mum and I loved each other so much and told each other all the time. I know I made her happy and proud, though I know she missed me tremendously too, (she didn't go out as much as others or see as many people, partly the MS, partly her wish). But I rang her lots and went to see her for the weekend whenever I felt the need. She used to say when I left it was like the 'change from major to minor' (like the song -'every time we say goodbye'). So sad that my last goodbye to her was forever, far too soon than either of us expected. But I know above all, she wanted me to be happy and so I will try my best to lead a happy, successful life and make her proud. (I wish I could believe she was around somehow still, but I can't- can't believe in an afterlife.) But thank you again for your kind reply.

You are very welcome, I just so recognised in your tone the hurt I felt when my Mum left unexpectedly. I hope the counselling is as useful for you if you go down that route, I struck lucky with my lady but know of others who had a few counsellors before they found someone they could open up to.

Your relationship with your Mum sounds so precious - it reminds me of when I was talking to an old friend about how much I missed mine, and I was saying 'oh you know, she was just there, unconditionally, always, like how it is for everyone with their Mum'. She gently corrected me, 'No, that's not how it is for everyone, you really were very fortunate', and that was a reminder to me of the precious quality of our relationship, the essence of which I carry with me.

My counsellor also encouraged me to grieve for what I thought would be - all those years I'd looked forward to having a child with her there looking out for me and enjoying him with me and that wasn't to be. That was hard to take, as you have said, you also have to deal with that massive change in how you thought things were going to go.

Will be thinking of you x

I lost my mum just under 4 months ago and the pain is unbearable i cry everyday i miss her so much it actually hurts

I have just posted separately not seeing this thread...

Mum died September 2012. I'm worse now than back then. I have relationship problems and a teenager, Mum would have supported with both problems. I feel alone,abandoned and isolated in my thoughts. I have a good friend who listens, but I'm a 'coper' so nobody has a clue.

It's so very very hard. My thoughts are with all of you on this thread. United in our grief

So sorry, op.

My Mum died a couple of months ago and my Dad several years ago.

This has happened to me lots. X

My mom died just over 8 years ago. Honestly it was hard but I got used to it. What I dont get is that the last 2 years its been getting harder. I miss her more now. It hurts more. Feels like the pain is growing rather then getting better. Today is my birthday, the paid she went through to have me... What hurts me the most is that I wasnt the best son. And now I have to live with it. She died when I was 24 but lives forever in my heart. I love you mom and Im so sorry I wasnt a better son. Fuck! :(

Never saw my 1st born, my second is on the way... Never saw the man I became, the business I formed, the woman I married, all the things she imagined for me; she never saw. Brain tumor? When she was 34, WTF why? Life can be really harsh sometimes. Sorry to all that have lost, trust me I feel your pain. I guess our memories keep them alive, the rest is just Bull S*.

I lost my Mum three months ago. We were so close, she was my whole world. I miss her so much every day. A couple of weeks ago I saw someone that looked like her and dropped my shopping!
Your Mum loved you no matter how bad a son you think you were. I miss my Mum ssoo much. I only hope this gets easier.

Thanks Pinkhels. I hope it gets better too :(

Reading this thread is heartbreaking
mum2taylor I had 4 months with my Mum after her brain tumour was diagnosed, she too was a Chanel girl, Coco, the nurses washed & slathered her in it everyday whilst she was in the Hospice so she could smell "expensive!" Our home care girls did the same - I can't bear it now just makes me want to howl.
lulu2 I absolutely get where you are coming from - I don't want counselling, I want my Mum.
The realisation that I'm not the only person in the world going through this pain & confusion is actually a tiny bit comforting.
I'm so sorry to each of you for your loss.

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure if anyone will see this, I've never used anything like this before.
My mum passed away almost 8 months ago and I'm struggling. My mum was my favourite person in the whole world and I feel so lost without her. i'm 28 and recently married 6 months ago. I find it hard to talk about it like people don't want to hear and they just expect me to have moved on and for everything to be back to normal but nothing is normal. I was and still feel like a mummy's girl but my mum is gone and I'm so sad without her. I haven't been to see anyone since she passed and it's something I've been thinking about but decided to look online and found this. I've read so many posts and feel I can relate to you all.

Hi, me too. My mum died almost a year ago. I'm early 30s with DC 4 and 1. I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know about you but I feel likes it taken a good six months for the reality to hit. Especially if you got married not long after your mum died, that must have been very tough. I have been having some counselling but that's reached an end. I am struggling to know how "normal" my feelings are because I've been feeling very low. My mood has been up and down since before Christmas but I am now in a low period which is not lifting. I also don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to about my loss so would be good to be able to talk about it on here...