How do you learn to live without your Mum?

[helpagirl]

I am 32 and my Mum is my best friend. She has stage 4 cancer and we have been told only ‘short weeks’ to live. She is very ill and it’s extremely difficult to witness her decline everyday. I want her pain to be over with now as much as I don’t want her to die, this is no way for any of us to be living.
I keep having very intense waves of fear and panic at the thought of life without my mum. I have two young children who adore her and I know I have to carry on for them. But my question is how do people who have lost their mum cope? I’m hoping over time it becomes easier but currently it feels crushing and I’m scared for how the rest of my life will be without her. Any reassurance would be really helpful right now.

Im sorry to hear that. My mum was in a comma from 17th Dec but officially died on 24th Dec. We still think of her alot, but more with smiles now. She was amazing and should be appreciated as such. Just spend as much time with her as you can.

How are you doing @helpagirl (silly question?) 🥰❤️

I went through it 2 years ago.. my beautiful Mum was my best friend too and all I can say is that you learn to live with the grief but if you were really close you don’t get over it. At times I just feel, I want my Mum back.
Sorry you are going through this @helpagirl xx

Thank you all for your condolences. I’m sorry I haven’t replied my mind has just been to vacant since Mum has died. I feel exhausted all of the time, just living seems a chore at the moment. It is her funeral on Thursday which I am really dreading. I don’t know if I will be a total crying mess or just completely numb. I feel like my brain/body decide on the day as to what my emotions will be like that day. It’s also my birthday on Wednesday and obviously Christmas next week so all just seems pretty shitty timing!
I found yesterday really hard because I would always spend a Sunday with my mum. I just think as time has gone by a little things feel harder because I miss her more and over time I guess people just forget and go back to their normal lives and I’m just left here without my Mum.

I am so sorry love.

you will carry on, because you have to, the grief will get different, but I don’t think it gets easier. I lost my mum years ago and it feels like yesterday some times.

my Heart goes out to you. I am so so sorry.

That is extremely shitty timing. You don't have to reply here unless it helps you, you don't need extra guilt and worries.

I do recognise that feeling of it getting harder as more time goes by because it's been longer since you last saw her, but there does come a point where it starts to feel bearable again. I just wanted to say that to reassure you that it won't get exponentially worse forever.

Sending you love and strength to get through this week. However you are and however you feel on Wednesday and Thursday is ok, just go with it and don't beat yourself up. 💐

I took a few deep breaths before even trying to reply.

My mom died of Covid.
So at the time as well as trying to sort out a funeral - for 15 eventually and having to wait for her gravestone to be delivered from India - there was a peak in demand I had to deal with those who thought Covid was a lie and went round without being vaccinated, but that's another story.

OP you just do. You don't want to, you can't comprehend having to, but you do.
A friend said to me - take one day at a time and if you can't do a day, do an hour, and sometimes I just did a minute. My father went to pieces, understandably, my sister who had never been that close to my mom was broken and I just had to handle everything.

Once the funeral was out of the way, she died in April and we finally got to inter her body in June I had some time off work and in counselling - OP if it is offered to you grab with both hands. It was the best thing I ever did. I miss her phone calls and popping round and just having her there. Grief is a complete bar steward and people will try and be nice and will probably just be awkward. And that's ok. Maybe you'll have a lot of showers as you don't want to cry in front of other people -I did that a lot.

Everything you feel is normal as there is no normal.
Bug hugs. Oh and if she has a computer ask her for her password - that one took me ages to work out. Yes mom I should have thought about the dog I had when I was 13 straight away!

@helpagirl —no need to apologise at all, never worry about that. This board is for you to post on as and when you want/need to.

I can’t offer advice re the funeral, as my mum wanted direct cremation and we, obviously, honoured her wishes. All I can say is, please try not to worry how you’ll feel on Thursday. Whether you are crying or you are numb, I’m sure that everyone attending will just want to be there for you. There is no right or wrong way for you to be.

It’s also difficult re your birthday and Christmas so near, just try to take it a minute at a time. And completely understand how flooring it is regarding days where you had a set “thing” and it’s gone.

And the feeling that the world keeps going as normal, but you’re left without your mum. It bloody sucks. I know that my life and perception of it has been changed forever. I am slowly navigating my way, but the world feels altered. You, too, will navigate your way. You probably won’t think so now, but you will.

The main thing is, please take any offer of help that you can. Do not feel guilty if you need to reach out or accept offers of help.

Will be thinking of you on your birthday and for your mum’s funeral.

Thinking of you @helpagirl ❤️

Also thinking of you today @helpagirl. Make every moment with your Mum count.

My mum died when I was 28. Six weeks from diagnosis to death (cancer). I didn’t have DC yet but was engaged to DH. I’d already lost my dad as he died really young. It was a real whirlwind and we weren’t prepared for her to die so quickly.

I know at the time I just wanted to get back to work for some normality and to see my friends for support etc, Our wedding was also coming up so we spent a lot of time on that, dealing with her estate etc. i had good and bad days, but it was so sad she wasn’t there to see me get married.

i think the saddest bit for me was when i had DCs as she really loved children and would’ve been an amazing grandma and she never got that chance.

I am sorry you’re going through this, it’s so shit. Lots of love.

OP, gentle hugs. I am so sorry you have had to go through this. My Dad has just received devastating news and I’m not coping. I have two young children so I have to keep going. I just want you to know that you are not alone
Your Mum sounds terrific and you sound like a wonderful daughter.

Just had what I know will be the last Xmas with my mum. Trying not to project, but did have a tear as she left. She’s so frail & not like my mum.. but she enjoyed the day with us. I feel sick thinking about what’s ahead. OP, I’ve heard a saying that when you miss them most, love yourself the way you love them - or words to that effect… & I really hope you’ve got through today as gently as you could. What an awful part of life loss is. Sending love to all hurting today xxx

Hey @helpagirl.....how are you doing? 🥰❤️

I’m really struggling this week. I feel like as time goes on things seem to be getting worse and not better which is quite scary. I always thought ‘time would heal’ but in reality the relief she is no longer in pain and suffering is fading and the pain of missing her is growing everyday.
I feel like as time goes by I’m getting further away from her and it’s painful. It doesn’t help that my Mum was single and left behind 2 cats that I still haven’t rehomed so I have to go back to her house twice a day to feed them and spend time with them which is very difficult. But the thought of rehoming them and emptying her house seems impossible. So I’m stuck. It also feels like her friends who were all ‘how are you?’ ‘We are here to help’ when she first moved into the hospice/died have all gone silent and the silence is loud :(
I really appreciate you thinking of me and checking in.

I would also like to thank all of the other lovely posters since my last post I’m sorry I’ve only just seen your comments. I’m also sorry so many of you are going through similar.

I don't know how you do. You just do.
My mum died in Oct 2021 and then my dad died in Jan 2023. My life has not been the same and never will be. I adored them both.
I didn't ever realise the savage pain I would feel with them both gone

@helpagirl it's so difficult. I can very much relate to what you're saying. Have you tried grief counselling or might it be too early?

I am so sorry you are in this position, you must love those cats too, they were hers.

I was in exactly the same position it July - My beautiful Mum passed in awful circumstances and left her two beloved cats behind. Going back daily to feed and leaving them alone in that house was crippling. We had a positive outcome on the end, but it was a horrid addition to an already traumatic time.

My darling you have to sit with it. And howl when you need to, I don't think it ever eases, but I'm learning to control my emotions in specific places about it. ( Work can be a trigger ) that said, I get grief goblins hiding round corners with semi automatics, they still regularly come and gun me down!

I'm ND so I don't find groups or counselling beneficial. So I can't signpost to that end, but do consider topping up your well-being bucket as much as you can with small pockets of joy where you can, whatever that looks like to you.

Good luck. Xx

Could you reach out on the internet and see if there are any cat lovers that may be able to take them and love them? Or does that feel too painful? Do you want to have them? I’m imagining going back to feed them is both emotionally and physically taxing.

could you get one of your friends/ partner to help clear out her place? Do you want to do it? Could you take the pieces that are sentimental to you and get a company to do the rest? That may hurt too much too.

I totally get the idea that it feels like you are getting further and further from your Mum. I am so sorry. You are not alone. We are here