How do you learn to live without your Mum?

[helpagirl]

I am 32 and my Mum is my best friend. She has stage 4 cancer and we have been told only ‘short weeks’ to live. She is very ill and it’s extremely difficult to witness her decline everyday. I want her pain to be over with now as much as I don’t want her to die, this is no way for any of us to be living.
I keep having very intense waves of fear and panic at the thought of life without my mum. I have two young children who adore her and I know I have to carry on for them. But my question is how do people who have lost their mum cope? I’m hoping over time it becomes easier but currently it feels crushing and I’m scared for how the rest of my life will be without her. Any reassurance would be really helpful right now.

I'm 57..

OP is only 32

😢

I was in my late 30s when I lost my mum and it was devastating. It hardened me. I’ll never be the same person again. I still talk to her out loud all the time, especially when I’m alone in the house or when I’m driving. She’s still a part of my life. I’d give anything to have her here physically, but she’s very much around me somehow, and I even dream about her regularly.
What I still struggle with is the unfairness of it, for her, for me, for the family, for her friends. We all expect to reach our 80s or beyond, and it feels unfair when we don’t (rightly or wrongly).
I’m really sorry for your situation. It’s one of the hardest things.

I lost my mum almost 4 years ago, I was 49, she was 79. I lost my dad 6 months later.

The first year was dreadful, and then I went into autopilot and just pushed forward. Now my marriage is breaking up, I’m grieving all over again. They say it’s not linear, which I find to be true, good days and bad days. It seems ridiculous even now I can’t call her or pop round, she was my anchor and safe space. I’ve had a lot of therapy to learn how to be that for myself. Thinking of you, it’s bloody traumatic.

How are you doing @helpagirl? Thinking of you 🥰

I lost my mum this year in may, I am 34, she was 61. She was ill in ICU for 7 months. I have 2 young DC and I was pregnant at the time. It's so hard losing my biggest cheerleader in life :( I used to call/WhatsApp her daily and see her several times a week. Now there's just a void. I am seeking bereavement counselling. Sending hugs xx

I am so deeply sorry that you’re going through this. I lost my mom thirteen years ago to lung cancer. She was only few weeks shy of 69, and I was 43. To me, my mom was everything. I was never close to my dad, he was abusive, so when she died, I felt like an orphan.

When she died, I felt like a tree that had been uprooted and was left hanging in the air. The pain and confusion were unbearable, and I honestly didn’t think they would ever stop.

The only way I survived was by finding things to be grateful for. I was grateful that my mom didn’t suffer too much or for too long. I was grateful that I got to see her a few times before she was gone, even though I live thousands of kilometers away. I was grateful that she baked my favorite thing for me one last time, and that I got to cook for her. I was grateful that I could attend her funeral, and that my kids are old enough to remember her.

Now, all these years later, I actually feel closer to her than I ever did while she was alive. As a spirit, I feel like she is always near. I hold her in my mind, my heart, and my soul. I “hear” her all the time, and I still "consult" her whenever I have a big decision to make. I remember only the good, happy times, and I talk about her with my kids so her memory stays alive.

You will find your own courage to do the same. One thing I often remember is what my dear cousin said after her dad passed: “It doesn’t matter that they are gone… what matters is that they lived.”

Sending you love and prayers.

Thank you all for your messages. I have read them all but have just found the past couple of weeks so consuming I’ve been unable to reply.
My Mum died last night. She has had one hell of a month of struggling and pain it’s been absolute agony to witness her go through it. She did pass peacefully in the end (although to me it didn’t look peaceful I have been reassured by the hospice team that she was not in pain or struggling). But the dying process is quite difficult to watch, I always imagined a peaceful death to be her sleeping and then just stop breathing but the breathing was very loud and heavy and extreme, as if she was gasping for air every breath she took. But she was asleep the whole time. And I’m certain could hear me. I’m so sad and tired and lost but also a huge part of me feels relief that she is no longer in that pain and I pray is in a much better place now.

I'm so sorry, OP.

Sending love and strength 🥰❤️

@helpagirlso so sorry.. Thankyou for taking the time to come back to the thread & I hope you’ll find some comfort here xxx

So sorry OP. I lost my mum at 29. It was excruciating but i took one day at a time and got through it. Now i only think of her fondly without pain. X

@helpagirl I am so sorry for your loss and hope you find your path through the mixture of emotions and grief that you'll be going through.
I lost my mum just over 4 and a half years ago. I'm older than you (in my 50s) and, whilst it's got easier, I still miss her daily. I unexpectedly lost my DH earlier this year and I so wanted to talk to my mum when he was in hospital. Still do, actually, and it hurts.
No real advice, just sending solidarity and love at this most difficult of times.

I am sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss

I’m so sorry for your loss

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 5 years ago when I was 30 and pregnant with my first baby. My mum was my best friend and I spent the last years of her life (cancer) convinced that I couldn’t live a day without her as the sadness would just crush me. It did of course but I was surprised that immediately I was able to function for at least some of the day. The grief came to me in huge waves and still does to this day. The difference is that the time between the waves was hours at the beginning, but it is weeks or even months now. When the wave comes it still feels just as overwhelming as it did the day she died, but then it passes and I carry on. I feel as though my life (and especially being a mum) has been completely changed and sort of revolves around the fact that she is gone, but I live a very happy life and think of her happily every day. I know that it feels impossible now but I promise it will get easier. Time truly is a healer. Thinking of you ❤️

So very sorry for your loss. Just take time to be still.

And do talk to your mum, mine still gives me good advice which I value. Even though I know it is just my memory telling me what she would have said.

This is so reassuring for someone faced with / facing loss. Thank you

@helpagirl sending you strength at such a terribly hard time, be kind to yourself, there is no right or wrong way to feel or grieve. I am certain your mum will have heard every word xx

@helpagirl - I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum. I, too, was there when my mum died and it was not an easy experience.

Right now, just try to find your way through the basics of sleeping and eating when you can. And taking support from anyone who offers it, do not be afraid to ask for help either.

I don’t want to overwhelm you with other advice right now, but do keep posting your feelings if you want to, this board is great for someone always being there to read your words.

It has taken some time, and I am by no means over it, but there was a phrase I read on here just after my mum died which has stuck in my head - along the lines of grief is simply love which has nowhere to go. It’s taken me a long time to start to appreciate it, but it stayed with me even when I didn’t quite “get” it. It’s the magnitude of love for your mum that you have.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss 💐

So sorry for your loss, OP. My Mum died last week, it’s unbearable and I almost can’t quite believe it really happened. So I appreciate the perspectives on here of how people get through it.

@MiniMaxi - am so sorry that you’ve had to find yourself here and for the loss of your mum. I dip in and out, did a lot of reading here and still do. This board is a godsend for knowing that others out there understand what you’re going through. I’ve come to understand that no one will ever have “the answer”, but that there is comfort to be taken from knowing that you’re not alone on this board.

I’m so sorry for all your lovely mums that are no longer here.
I lost my mum October 2023, she was 84, I was 47. Cancer diagnosis to death in 16 days. Such a shock and awful for those of us left behind.
its not easy and I’m not sure it ever will be. Losing a parent is a life defining moment, I certainly felt like although I knew my parents would die at some point (as everyone does) I didn’t ever expect them to as they’ve always been in my life so why would that change. I am lucky I still have my dad, he’s 95 now and does amazingly on his own.
I think of my mum every day and like others have said I still talk to her all the time.
someone sent me the following article after she died and it helped me to understand what I was facing in terms of grief. It’s not textbook for all, but it may be of use to some of you.

thelossfoundation.org/grief-comes-in-waves/