How do you learn to live without your Mum?

[helpagirl]

I am 32 and my Mum is my best friend. She has stage 4 cancer and we have been told only ‘short weeks’ to live. She is very ill and it’s extremely difficult to witness her decline everyday. I want her pain to be over with now as much as I don’t want her to die, this is no way for any of us to be living.
I keep having very intense waves of fear and panic at the thought of life without my mum. I have two young children who adore her and I know I have to carry on for them. But my question is how do people who have lost their mum cope? I’m hoping over time it becomes easier but currently it feels crushing and I’m scared for how the rest of my life will be without her. Any reassurance would be really helpful right now.

I’ve read all of your comments, I’m sorry I don’t have the energy to respond personally to you all but thank you for taking the time out of your day to comfort me. I’m currently experiencing waves of pain and sadness and then moments of still and calmness. I imagine this will continue now for a long time. It’s an exhausting experience.

So sorry to hear about your mum. Mine died just over 2 years ago, she was 79 so had a good innings, but cancer and kidney failure took her out.

We knew the prognosis, in some ways the anticipatory grief was worse; I’d been mentally prepping for it for a while which was hard, but assumed as a result it wouldn’t hit me hard, but it did

The hardest parts for me was towards the end and feeling just so useless as she couldn’t get comfortable etc. Were not a family who shares emotions or tells each other we love them, but I got to say thank you to her for everything and that was enough

I went on autopilot when she died but it felt like a gaping chasm, even tho we didn’t have a close relationship when I was younger. I started to unravel about 6 years weeks after so went for bereavement counselling which was a huge help

Its the small things that impact me the most these days; ie I went to send her a photo on ds first day of new school term, seeing some chocolate she’d like and almost buying it etc. Weirdly every time Im
in the park I always think of her which makes me laugh as she hated nature 😂

There is no right or wrong way; don’t be afraid to take time off work etc and to look after yourself / give yourself time to grieve. I didn’t do this, and I regret it a bit

For all of you who have lost your lovely mums 💐💐💐

My Mum died 13 years ahead now. It is so very hard to face each day in the first few months. She died in October and I don't know how I got through the first Xmas. I went around in a daze for months. I cared for her with my sisters for her final 6 weeks and sh had pancreatic cancer which was brutal. Towards the end I just wanted her to die quickly and be out of pain but I was terrified of losing her. It took a couple of years before I could look back with fond memories and be grateful that I had such a wonderful Mum. Now when I think of her it is with a smile and I remember what a wonderful childhood I had and she was always there for me even when I became an adult. Losing your Mum is in my opinion the most difficult thing you will likely ever have to face. The only thing that could be wors is losing a child.

Make the most of your last weeks or days together and tell her you love her every day.

Bless you OP, it’s not fair. My Mum died when I was 21 so over 20 ago now and she never got to meet my children. I know a lady who was 65 when her Mum died (her mum was late 80’s) and thought how lucky she was and what a privilege position she was in - to have had her Mum for so long.

It does get easier with time, but you’ll feel waves of sadness and probably anger/resentment at times too, because it’s not fair. I remember a friend of mine lost her Mum at about 30 and she said “I get annoyed at people moaning about ridiculous things when I’ve just lost my Mum.” She could only say that to this who had been in her situation. It puts things in to perspective.

Your little ones will keep you busy and hopefully you have a supporting DH and friends. Be kind to yourself OP and however you feel is perfectly fine. There will be good days and bad days but it does get easier with time. Take care

@helpagirl , I’m so sorry for the awful situation you find yourself in.
Im a bit shocked really when I think how long ago it is when I lost my mum, although to be honest the dementia had robbed her from me some time before.
I recall with clarity taking my very frail mum to my Nan’s grave, old as she was she still mourned her mum (my Nan).
Little by painful little you put one broken foot before the other and then eventually you understand that to honour this woman you must live and live well as she would have wanted. It is the most painful and difficult journey.
Several times a year I visit the graves of my mum and dad and my nan and uncle. When I stand at my nan and uncles graves I stand there still with my mum (in spirit) who came broken and aged until that dreadful disease took her from us.
I don’t think you recover from a loss of this magnitude completely ever, as I type my tears are flowing.
Im sending you all the strength I can and wishing you and your dear mum peace. 🙏🏻

I’m in the same situation as you OP. You describe the feelings perfectly. It’s a feeling of dread & fear. I don’t want to go through what I know is coming. I’m terrified of the moment itself, I have never seen a dead person, let alone my own mum. I want to run away from it all. I don’t want the rest of my life to feel tinged with sadness & I don’t want to change who I am, which I know I will happen. I’m waiting to unravel & I don’t know what that looks like or who I’ll be afterwards. This thread is a bit helpful but also reaffirms, it’s going to be so hard. I guess we’ll be ok OP.. it is a normal part of life I know. Maybe it’ll change us for the better?? You’re not alone. Do dm or keep posting if it helps.. I saw a thread on here for those who have lost parents, but I’ve not stepped in yet as trying to focus on the now. Have you got lots of real life support? Hospice & palliative teams can be a good neutral outlet. Sending love. It’s an awful thing to go through. Xx

Morning everyone, I’ve woken today with a pit of dread in my stomach and can’t face to eat my breakfast. My sister is with my Mum currently at her house so I will go over there this morning after dropping my girls at school. She is peg fed now because she can’t eat so we spend most of our day giving her medication through her tube and ‘food’ which isn’t actually food it’s just high calorie shakes. I lay with her and napped yesterday and when she woke up she said she felt very peaceful with me with her and ‘safe’ which was nice. We are hoping to get her into a hospice but keep coming up against barriers such as ‘no beds’. It’s an extremely daunting and terrifying experience. I want it over with but also don’t because I’m scared of a life without her. The feelings are so conflicting. She has her best friend coming to say goodbye to her today and I know that’s just going to be heartbreaking. My 7 year old keeps asking to see her and I’m not sure what to do about that either. I think it would be nice for her to say goodbye to her Grandma but also extremely sad.

I'm adapting because I don't have a choice, it sucks and is terribly painful but life goes on no matter how much I cry or my heart hurts. The food still needs buying, uniform still needs cleaning and DD still needs taking to school... That's the reality of it but does not detract from the sheer pain.
Lost my Mum in April and I'm sorry you have to go through this but you will get through it, lots of love xx

I think what you’re dealing with is hard in a different way to the aftermath. It’s like extreme separation anxiety - you’re dreading what’s coming so that it’s hard to spend time with your mum, especially as she declines. I think this is entirely normal, and it’s probably going to be really difficult. Your reaction to her death might vary depending on how long it takes and how hard the process is for her. As a much younger person I volunteered weekly in a hospice and I’ve seen a range of reactions, from the very predictable devastation, to things much more relief filled and also on occasion celebratory.

I had a completely different experience in that my mum was not actively unwell and I went from normal conversation with her to her being dead in under a week. The sudden nature of her death was brutal, but I don’t think I would trade places with someone knowing it was coming. I think the strength needed to sit there and wait for the moment is immense and I’m relieved in a sense to have been spared that. As far as I’m concerned mum worked out what was coming (she had worked as an nurse) and checked out as fast as possible. And oddly that brings some comfort.

However this ends up going for you, it is going to be extraordinarily painful and yet you will astound yourself with what you manage to do whilst being broken. Bizarrely, I had my hair cut the day mum died - I’d booked it and couldn’t work out what to do so I just went. I also took my kids to swimming gala and rugby tournaments that weekend. Completely insane, but the level of functioning goes on regardless.

sending you all the strength and love I can muster. You will grief because you love. And your mum will live on in you

I lost my Mum and best friend in July, and the honest answer is nobody can tell you how anyone gets through, I don't think any of us know. Because you just do. You have to. And you will find a way.. Because you will realize that all that lady wants is for you to be OK without her, and that's likely her biggest fear and concern about leaving earth. And looking after her isn't going to stop when she passes. 🥰

That said, I still have my morning cry every single day. And I still think it's her, and burst into tears if my phone rings after 7pm.!

Prepare now for a period of your brain and body not working through. Trauma is something I thought I was educated in until I went through it. The most important thing you will need is time to process and heal however that looks for you.

Thoughts are with you lovely. I'm so sorry. X

@helpagirl how is your mum? I know how you might be feeling. I’ve just written what is, bar a miracle, the last birthday card I’ll ever write to my mum. I woke up thinking, this is the last time I’ll wake up on my mums birthday & she’ll be in this world. Anticipatory grief is crippling me at the moment. Sending love x

I lost my mum just over 2 years ago, she was diagnosed with cancer and gone less than 2 weeks later so not much time to prepare (if you can).
We spent time talking to her, playing Daniel O’Donnell albums (never going to get over that either, but for different reasons).
You do ‘get used’ to it, if that’s the right way to phrase it and think about the good times.
Thinking if you all at this difficult time.

I lost my mum nearly 29 years ago. It took a long time to accept the situation. You don't get over it but you grow a bigger life around it.
There are times where I wish i could talk to her. However i have three children who helped me heal. I have a close relationship with them all and use the lessons i learnt from my mother. My husband also really loved her and we often laugh and talk about her.

I have made my peace and i do have a happy life but there is always an ache. It's the price i paid for having such a loving mum.

And then there are the things that are just odd and unexplainable - little signs. I have had three in particular and one fairly distressing dream. and I’m an incredibly non woo person.

my signs:

1. the day she died - I was walking along the road and found my favourite cycling glove that I had lost some months before and been annoyed about, just sitting in the gutter.
2. I was driving into work, to a household name, for a shitty redundancy meeting. I was half listening to radio 2 and the first thing was that google maps would not find the address of my employer on voice command (and hasn’t since), an important song came on, and as I pulled into the driveway, the radio host started discussing the decline of the industry I work in
3. recently I underwent a medical procedure, a not hugely pleasant one that you’re awake for and can hear but have your eyes and most of face covered. The surgeon was playing some jazz type lounge music with famous songs woven together. At the most painful point a song from her funeral appeared - one of her favourites actually

i hope you’re doing ok

Oh gosh this thread is lovely and heartbreaking all together. It's 9 years now. Like others said - you don't see the hole in me unless you know it's there. The physical pain disappeared after 2 years and reappeared nastily at 5 years. I cannot bear Christmas, mother's day or birthdays. Any big changes in life are likely to resurface it. Se ding love xx

So sorry you and your family are going through this. I hope it helps to know that you are not alone. I lost my mum at a similar age to you but did not have children to care for at the time. Although it was 25 years ago, I remember those awful weeks after diagnosis and her subsequent death (it was quick; pancreatic cancer) and thiking back, it still gives me goosebumps. The best analogy I was given is to think of the pain and grief inside you becoming cushioned by life and new memories that happen after DPs deaths. The more life and memories created as time goes on, the thicker the cushion that wraps itself around your pain, making it softer and more bearable. Eventually, life is so full or other memories and happenings that you are no longer aware of your loss. I hope this helps.

@mugglewump that's a lovely way of framing it and has brought me some comfort

I list my mum to cancer at 31, 16 years ago and my dad 5 years ago very suddenly, when I was 42. It does get easier as the years pass; although the grief is always there, you do learn to cope around it. In some ways, it was easier with my mum, as she was very ill and we were expecting it, whereas my dad just went to bed one night, had heart failure and didn’t wake up. Although, if I could choose a way to go, I know which I’d want. It leaves an enormous hole though and takes a long time to learn how to live without them there. So sorry this is happening to you :(

I'm so very sorry, OP. You're obviously really close to your lovely mum, and it must hurt so much to think about losing her.

The experience of grief is different for everyone, but you cope by just taking one day at a time and allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel. There are good days and bad days. Intense grief mixed with deep gratitude and happy memories. Sometimes anger. Sometimes humour. Sometimes numbness. Sometimes just tears.

Weirdly, I think the very hardest thing for me about losing my mum has been the realisation that my own beloved daughter is going to have to go through the same thing with me one day. Somehow, I can just about bear my own grief, but the thought of her having to experience similar amost breaks me.

But then I find deep comfort in the knowledge that, yes, my dd will grieve for me when I am gone, but her life will also carry on without me. Hopefully, in time, the happy memories will gradually start to crowd out the sadness. She will smile again. She will find great joy in her own family and friends, in the kindness of strangers and in the beauty of the world around her. She will embody the values that I have taught her in the way that she lives her Iife. And she will carry the incredible love that I have for her in her heart forever.

It's tough, OP, and it hurts, but you will be OK. Life will carry on, and you will find your way through. And you will always carry the memories of your mum with you.

Sorry you are going through this. I would just say say everything you want to your mum now before she enters the hospice because as soon as the syringe driver goes in she will not have the ability to talk really and I was not aware of that really.
So say all there is to say in terms of expressing love and gratitude. It's a hard thing we cannot avoid if we love our mums.

I'm 36 and lost my mum 3 months ago in August. I don't know how I'm doing it. I just am. Every day I get up, dressed, put one foot in front of the other and face what the day brings. I also search for tiny pieces of joy. Silly things like buying a new autumnal mug or standing in the rain under an umbrella. Glimmers of hope that I might feel normal again someday. Get your Mum to write something for you. My Mum was poorly for a while though still died suddenly in the end of that makes sense. Still I used to help her make a Christmas cake every year so got her to write it all out for me. Last weekend I cried my way through making it unsupervised for the first time but it felt good. I'm still tearful at some point most days. Random things set me off. Brushing my daughters hair for example because my Mum would always comment on how long it's getting. My little girl is 3 and it's devastating that she'll never remember her Grandma. When the time comes don't think too far ahead. Just do the next thing.

i lost my mum in may after a 7 weeks battle with cancer and I've been struggling since may. with spells of crying and anxiety.the doctors want me to have some grief counselling. what do I expect to happen as never had any counselling

You're right. It's so exhausting and you're very young to have to go through this. I'm sending you and your Mum lots of love ❤️ Grief is a long road. Take all the help you can get 🥰