No one seems bothered by DM’s death

[JudiRuliani]

My elderly DM died recently and I’m struggling to process things. The strangest thing is that no one else seems upset - I know she was old and it wasn’t totally unexpected but I thought my siblings, dad, and her grandchildren would be more openly upset. They were upset on the day and maybe one or two after, but that’s it. No one talks about her at all.

Before dying she was worried about how one grandchild in particular would cope as they were very close.

Is this usual? I had an odd relationship with DM. She was very controlling and everything revolved around her, even communication between us all and I know I was caught up in FOG - now I’m feeling guilty that we’re not missing her in the way she expected.

She was very controlling and everything revolved around her,

Not sure if be missing someone like this

Youve answered your own post. “She was very controlling & everything revolved around her”, why would people miss her? Sounds horrible I know but its the truth.

Everyone grieves differently. When my mum died, it was her time to go. I felt sad for my dad, but I wasn’t upset that she’d died. 2 of my siblings were the same, 1 was more upset. We talk about her often, but not with any sadness.

Your mum sounds like she was difficult. Perhaps it’s not surprising people aren’t as upset as you expect.

She was very controlling and everything revolved around her, even communication between us all and I know I was caught up in FOG - now I’m feeling guilty that we’re not missing her in the way she expected.

When someone like that dies it can be a very confusing time. There's sadness, but also an element of relief. Plus guilt.

And some people may not even know how they "should" be grieving her without her controlling it.

That freedom to just feel without someone controlling can take a fair while to get used to.

Are you really just trying to understand why you aren't more upset?

No one else's grief is anything to do with you - I'm not being harsh here, it is the objective truth. And I am sure that you know this, despite your post.

But it sounds like you had a difficult relationship and I wonder if there is a subconscious thing going on for you, where you feel that you 'should' feel more upset than you do. Grief is hard, it doesn't follow rules. Give yourself a break.

Op you say your mother was very controlling

Don’t go down the path and think you can control how family grieve

Some people aren't missed and some people don't grieve. Cold world.

Don't bully someone whose Mother's just died ffs

People grieve in different ways. Mine - for both dad, and later, mum just came in waves. Cried the first day, cried when telling family and their friends (in person or on the phone) then spent a month or so pushing through, doing death admin, then a couple of months just going to work, living as normal... then parents birthday... couple of hours of weepiness, back to normal.
My sister - cried almost continually for a month. Lost a stone in weight. Still 5 years on cries on their birthday etc.
We are all different.

Oh dear lord 🙄

One of my family members recently passed away, they were a very difficult person to get on with. Very controlling and would happily give you the silent treatment if you did something she didnt approve of.
While it was sad and family were sad on the day she passed, only one family member misses them the rest of us are relieved that the years of control & silent treatment are over. Hope that helps you understand a bit better.

now I’m feeling guilty that we’re not missing her in the way she expected.

we’re so you are similarly not particularly missing her?

she sounds profoundly unpleasant . I imagine there’s a massive dollop of relief

My condolences for the loss of your mother, OP.

Everyone grieves differently.

If you feel that you have no one to talk to about your mother, perhaps you can write down your memories of her instead.

Your relationship with your Mum was unique, and so the way in which you grieve her will be unique too, and that goes for everyone who had a relationship with her.

I must have looked absolutely emotionless after my Mum died. I spent the next couple of months being either absolutely businesslike about cracking on with dealing with her funeral, her house, all the little odds and ends left over after a life. That and gleefully throwing myself into anything fun and exciting I could. I spent the day after she died bombing around a bunch of rollercoasters at Alton Towers.

In truth, it was just a way to avoid dealing with my emotions, they were too big, and I couldn't let myself feel them, not with so many people watching me, concerned for me. When I eventually did let them in, it was two months later, in a dark room at 2am. DP found me still sobbing four hours later when she got up for work.

Some people need people around them to grieve, some people do it quietly by themselves, and some people just don't grieve that much at all. It doesn't mean they don't miss the person neccesarily.

With kids, I think they are on different times.

People are using the word “controlling” as if it were akin to being an axe murderer; like someone who has a negative personality characteristic doesn’t deserve to be mourned.

Half of Mumsnet posters are controlling, you only have to read posts to realise it.

I wasn’t massively outwardly upset when my mum died, I didn’t weep and wail and post crap on social media. Everyone will be sad in their own way but life goes on.

Have people in RL described you as controlling out of interest @THisbackwithavengeance ?

A thousand thank yous for taking the time to reply with such insightful posts

I’ve been told my entire life that I’d be lost without her, wouldn’t cope, wouldn’t have amounted to anything without her etc and that “you’ll all miss me when I’m gone - won’t know what’s hit you…”

So it surprised me that I’m actually ok! Apart from intense guilt that I am ok! I miss the nice her, and have some lovely memories but there’s a whole load of shit times in the mix. Hard to admit but she was unpleasant, particularly as she got older.

My dad who’s been nagged to within an inch of his life is like a different man and has laughed more in the last few weeks than ever before.

Its confused me that who she - endlessly - told me she was isn’t who she really was. And who she said I am isn’t true either but I realised that years ago, thankfully.

And just to clarify I’m not trying to control how anyone else in the family grieves - far from it. It probably is more about how I’ve reacted and how guilty I feel about being ok.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply, it has been very helpful to read everything.

I bet the wake had a celebratory atmosphere on the basis of what you outline!

You grieve how you grieve. Everyone is different and it's complicated. It's nice that you have some happy memories, I would just focus on that. Being OK is a good thing, sounds like she hoped she would be missed with all the talk you mention. I'm sure the family will all miss her now and then, in their own way.
I'm sorry for your loss but I'm glad that you are doing OK. Don't be hard on yourself.

This part of your post stood out to me, when you mentioned your DF being like a different person.

My FIL died and MIL came right out of her shell afterwards. We didn’t think they had an unhappy marriage but she was always pretty quiet and reserved whereas he had something to say about everything. She’s a totally different woman - chatty, sociable, and happy!

Nowadays a lot of deaths can be really difficult because so many people die years after they’ve stopped being themselves.

I was livid when no extended family said anything nice when DF died. Really, silently outraged. I so get it, OP.

Then I realised that while DF was still recognisable to his wife and kids because we knew him so very well, his dementia had left others embarrassed, bored and stressed. For years.

So OP, give it time. Everyone around you needs to recall the good times with DM, which they will come to sooner or later. When someone dies, it takes a while to click that you’ve lost all of them, not just the grumpy old lump.

They likely feel relief that the control is over as bad as that sounds.

Oh gosh I can see that’s tricky. I really miss my mum but generally I don’t talk about it much. You don’t know what people are really feeling.

Sometimes life is actually easier without certain people in it. And that’s another whole side of grief. Guilt. For being ok.
Grief is such a strange thing. Your relatives may have moments of missing her deeply and other times when life is able to feel pretty normal. Everyone experiences these things differently and that’s just how it is.