No one seems bothered by DM’s death

[JudiRuliani]

My elderly DM died recently and I’m struggling to process things. The strangest thing is that no one else seems upset - I know she was old and it wasn’t totally unexpected but I thought my siblings, dad, and her grandchildren would be more openly upset. They were upset on the day and maybe one or two after, but that’s it. No one talks about her at all.

Before dying she was worried about how one grandchild in particular would cope as they were very close.

Is this usual? I had an odd relationship with DM. She was very controlling and everything revolved around her, even communication between us all and I know I was caught up in FOG - now I’m feeling guilty that we’re not missing her in the way she expected.

Grief and bereavement are strange things as are people and their reactions - some people grieve intensely and all out others grieve privately and in short painful waves.

As you say, as people grow older death is more acceptable and expected - could be that people grieve their loved one before they actually die.

Your grief and sadness is your business and clearly your mum was your mum regardless of any character flaws.

My own mum died when I was 11 and occasionally I’m stunned when I meet someone and they say how much they miss my mum or how sad they were when she died - you never know whose life you touched.

@Halfadayno, quite the opposite, I’m a people pleaser much to my detriment. There is happy medium surely?

I don't tend to feel very sad for very long when elderly people die. It's natural and expected and sometimes for the best.

That's a bit harsh.

Difficult relationships take up a lot of headspace so when they're no longer there it feels strange and that's where the OP is probably at. Why she feels noone else cares is because they weren't involved as much and therefore don't miss it (the relationship I mean).

Sorry for your loss @OP. On the matter at hand, would you rather people were performative wailing and grieving? it sounds like your DM may have stepped on quite a few toes and so family is being honest about how they feel. It's a mixture of sadness but also quiet relief.

Grief is a very strange thing there really is no should feel.

Our family member is obsessed with how we should think and feel about our other family member’s death, but it is not that simple. There has been a mix of emotion we were surprised by the enormous relief and much less surprised by the on and off sadness but like your family these family relationships are complex. One sister on the other hand is very upset all the time but she would struggle with emotional stability and emotional regulation more generally so something as big as losing a family member was always going to hit extremely hard.

It's ok to be conflicted. Nobody is perfect and it's a really bad thing to try to remember imperfect people as perfect.

When DH's mum died, there was a bit of sadness but not a lot. She was very old and 'ready to go'.

DH was appalled that people weren't particularly mournful, including our DC. I don't understand that. Why would you want people you love to feel sad?

If you want people to miss you when you're gone then you need to be nice when you're here.
I wasn't sad at all when my dad died.

Thank you.

No, not at all (performative grieving). I don’t know if it’s clear in my posts, but my DM had always told me how much I and others would miss her when she’d gone, almost like a threat (because she had a very high opinion of herself and was very much a matriarch).

This message was reinforced so much that I believed it to be true and was very concerned that my DF and siblings would struggle and I was worried for them, even though I didn’t feel that I would miss the unpleasantness and control. So it’s surprised me that clearly it wasn’t true, and whilst I was the black sheep and scapegoat, she obviously treated siblings and others badly too. It’s been a revelation to be honest.

Sorry, that still doesn’t seem to make sense.

What you've said does make sense, OP. Sounds to me as if you're still getting your head round it, tbh.

My mum was a difficult person. I know I could have tried harder with her and made her life happier when she was alive, and I feel guilty about that. So I don't tend to dwell on her death. But every now and then I feel a pang that I can't share something with her. Relationships with difficult people are complicated! As others have said, be kind to yourself, and recognise that you aren't responsible for others' feelings.

What is FOG ? x

I think 'domineering' parents can be missed more partly because they leave a bigger hole when they go.

but my DM had always told me how much I and others would miss her when she’d gone, almost like a threat (because she had a very high opinion of herself and was very much a matriarch).

I am surprised you’re not all dancing and cracking open the champagne!

Grief doesn't always look like people being upset. It can manifest in other ways.

Also if you are prepared for someone to go it does often make it easier, despite what some might say.

The grief can be other things too - a sense that it is 'the end of an era', that whole period of your life is now gone; it can also bring a person right into the present - which can actually be quite depressing for the one who spends their time not quite living in the present or is avoiding stuff. No idea if this is the case with the OP, that all said, but it's a feeling that can bring one up short.

From what you've written, I'd focus more on your father being happier.

I had a grandparent die a few years ago. I was sorry for the people who were sad about, but I wasn't.

Honestly parents are people too, some of them just aren’t nice (I’m talking about my own here). Having said that I had nightmares and guilt for a long time after my father died, objectively I had nothing to feel guilty for but still. You wouldn’t know it to look at me but I wasn’t having an easy of a time I really didn’t want to talk about it either.

Unless you all live in a commune you have no idea whether your relatives are awake at 3am crying. They may choose to do it privately. I detest the move towards public displays of sorrow and posting all over social media. People grieve in so many different ways allow your relatives to do it in their own way.

From your description of your mother she sounds like a difficult person, maybe your relatives are actually relieved that her poor treatment of them has ended.

I am pleased your father has been liberated and can possibly live a happier life going forward.

There's such a lot to process when someone close to you dies. Guilt that you didn't do more, relief that they are no longer in pain, or no longer able to bully you, every family is different and it is never easy. Your feelings are valid, and you should grieve as you want to or not, and that includes the realisation that you don't feel as awful as you expected, or as you were expected to.

Fear, obligation and guilt. 3 significant emotions when suffering abusive relationships.

Thanks very much x

I had a different experience when Mum died. She was, by and large a good person and I admired her immensely.

But when she died, my attention was on my adult child, sister and niece. And very much less on the person who had died, let alone my feelings about that. A reflection, I think, on the fact that Mum drummed into me that as the oldest child, I was responsible for my sibling.

I was the same at the funeral. I didn't feel I had "room" to mourn, I felt my role was to ensure sibling and my adult child was ok.

In private, it was a quite different matter.

But I'm posting to say that I don't think it's right to ascribe public feelings when private feelings maybe quite different. In my experience, most of us only show others what we are comfortable with them knowing.

You cannot have any idea what, in private, they may be feeling.

On the other hand, of course, they may be feeling exactly what you are seeing. But you cannot "know" that.

I had an aunt who died about 3 weeks ago.

To be frank, she was an utter vicious cow. She was also 88 and in poor health. She had 2 children and one is posting things all over social media with pictures of her in her coffin and super imposed candles and expressing alot of grief. Everyone else is a bit silent on the subject. I had a few days where i had to worm through for myself why I did not care more about it. I felt true sorrow that she wasted so much of her life falling out with people, and causing mayhem. I felt guilt that I did not really grieve so much. But I'm over that now tbh.

It's none of my business how others grieve. Her daughters have very difficult emotions, and that is for them to figure out, while I support them if I can. My mother and other aunt also have difficult feelings and that is for them to figure out.

OP, you can't dictate how other people feel I am afraid. If you are wanting something performative then you may be disappointed. But grief tends to be private, and if there is limited amount of grief then that is individual and has to be respected and left alone.