Youngish widows support thread.

[SockHop]

Hi
I’m starting this thread incase there are others like me who would like to connect and share bits of their journey.
Anyone welcome!

Im 43 and my DH died in Feb. We weren’t expecting it. I have a dd and the two of us are currently muddling along with various levels of success.
I think I was in numb shock for the first 5 months. Im finding life a bit harder at the moment than I was at the very start. I get stressed super quickly and have days of uncontrollable crying. I think I’m starting to annoy people. Today’s been a particularly bad day but I wouldn’t be able to explain why.

Hi again 👋 I’m 40. My DH died ages ago now (sudden suicide). I still struggle with loneliness sometimes. I have a DS, he was tiny when it happened and he’s a tween now.

Sorry it’s all so recent and raw for you and that you’ve had a bad day Have you had any time to yourself today? How old is your DD?

I'm now mid-50s, but my late DH died just before my 45th.

One thing I would recommend is the Widowed And Young group.
I'm no longer a member, but it was invaluable at the time.

Sorry for both your losses and hello again @Hurumphh.
DH was suicide too.
My dd is 11.
I’ve not had that much time myself today. Work is hectic and it’s work that’s the catalyst at the moment.
I meant to join WAY and totally forgot about it. I’ll look into it again. Thanks.

I'm 4 years into widowhood. I was 38 and DD was 2. Timely thread for me as the anniversary is this week. I'm doing okish in life generally (although I still find solo parenting very lonely) but I've been feeling quite profoundly sad the last few days, as I usually do at anniversary time.

Evening @SockHop. Thank you for starting this thread and sorry to all posters for their losses.
I'm 53 and my DH unexpectedly died in July from a brain aneurysm. No DC but two dogs. I feel a bit like I'm on autopilot, I guess, going through the motions of life, going to work, doing usual stuff but life has lost it's purpose. It all still feels somewhat unreal. Coming up for what would have been our wedding anniversary.

Oh that’s so recent @Justlovedogs. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so hard going through the ‘firsts’ of everything. Have you got anything planned for the date? Tell me about your dogs. I have a little poodle.

Hi @OrangeSmoke . Sorry you’re having a tough time at the moment. Not surprising.
Solo parenting is tough isn’t it. Everything feels so relentless.
I’m in awe of those of you who’ve been through this with little kids. Obviously getting a tween through this presents its own problems - but I’m getting little windows of space for myself and I just don’t think I’d cope without that.

Thanks @SockHop fir starting and for @Hurumphh for thinking of this on the other thread.

So sorry for everyone that finds themselves here.

DH died last year. For the most part I still can’t believe it’s real. I seem to be living in a fantasy land of maladaptive day dreaming to cope. I just can’t believe he’s not here. I’m 50 with an older teen/almost young adult who seems to be going off the rails, and this second year feels worse than the first. I think people expect you to be ‘over it’ after a year.

I saw a beautiful poem on here that that I took a screen shot of that, on good days, sums things up well. I will find it and post it later, just dashing off to work now.

Yes solo parenting is relentless… constantly feel pulled between work, exhaustion and parenting and feel like I’m not doing it justice.

I didn’t find WAY any good tbh… nice people but I live in a fairly rural area and there wasn’t much going on (once in a blue moon meet up, people travelling over an hour to meet). The forums used to be lively but at the time I found it too overwhelming to be hearing so many stories of grief (and of love tbh - I was fuming angry with my DH for a long time).

Hi @ThrowAwayNameForToday , nearly cross posted with you.

Thanks @SockHop. I'm trying to plan things for the firsts of everything, but Christmas is looming and I'm finding that difficult to plan for. I have really good family support, so I'm meeting up with one of my sisters for our actual anniversary day and have a day out planned for the day after.
I have two German Shepherds who witnessed DH collapsing before being shut in another room while the ambulance teams worked. They never saw him again after that and I think they're struggling almost as much as I am, difference being they don't understand it all.
I'm sending big hugs to all of you with children. No matter what age they are, it must make it harder.

@Justlovedogs its good you have support, and something planned. The dogs will be feeling his loss, I know our pets are missing DH. They just can’t tell you. Our wedding anniversary is also close. It’s so difficult counting off the year you would have been married if they were here, isn’t it?

@OrangeSmoke the anniversaries are so hard, I hope you have some support and are able to lean on someone.

Interesting @Chasingsquirrels . I joined but haven’t connected after reading a thread on here that if you ‘grieve the wrong way’ it’s not a very friendly group!

@Hurumphh suicide must be such a difficult death to deal with, regardless of how long ago it was. Single everything is hard tbh when you are so used to the other person being there to lean on.

@SockHop I know what you mean about feeling you are starting to annoy people. Everyone seems to want to move on so quickly and stop saying his name, I want to stop time and the feeling that he’s moving further away from me and want to hear his name often.

Adding the poem I saw on here and took a screen shot of. Some days it’s a little comforting, other days it makes me sob.

@ThrowAwayNameForToday thank you, unfortunately I don't have amazing real life support. My own family is emotionally closed off and not capable of that kind of support and my relationship with my in laws is rocky. No one acknowledged the anniversary at all (fair enough, it's 4 years, it's a big deal to me but others lives have moved on) although I did have a nice message from his best friend to say he's thinking of us at this time of year.

I found Widowed and Young a godsend personally, it helped me a lot both online and at the meet ups I used to go to. Even though I don't actively use it much now I still like knowing it's there. Possibly because I don't have anyone in real life who gets it.

Ahh @OrangeSmoke I also don’t have real life support tbh (it’s how @SockHop @Hurumphh and I ‘met’ on another thread last night). My own family are emotionally stunted.

its nice of your DHs friend to reach out, it makes me feel my DH ‘mattered’ when other people have remembered him.

I struggle with other people wanting to sweep it all under the carpet, move on and not mention him. I think a lot of the time people don’t want to bring our loved ones up for fear of upsetting us, but it’s more upsetting that they’re moving on and forgetting them! It must be so hard with such a young child too. So sorry it’s a difficult time right now

I just noticed the poem pics uploaded in the wrong order 🙄

Hi,im 38 my wonderful husband passed awah suddenly 5 years ago at 37 we have two young children its so so hard im struggling 💔

I was widowed 6 years ago. I’ve coped very well for 6 years but had a massive breakdown over the summer because it became too much and I went into quite a deep depression. My friends were good but my family weren’t interested, they never have been. It’s not that I miss my husband, I don’t really anymore but I desperately miss having someone else who loves and cares about our kids as much as I do. I hate solo parenting it’s so hard. Having said that, thank god, my kids are doing really well

Hi, I was 33 when I lost him 18 months ago. 35 now.

I agree with PP, second year is worse. All the support is gone but this is when the numbness starts to wear off and the reality that this is forever starts to kick in.

I’m 42 and my husband died just over a year ago. I have two daughters, 8 and 12

@SockHopand @Hurumphhmy DH died by suicide too. It’s such an isolating experience

Welcome to everyone who has posted today. @DoAWheelie @Widowwith2 I’m sorry you’re all still struggling. Obviously it’s not surprising but it’s just so sad.

Has anyone had any success getting support through their gp? I’m feeling so overwhelmed at the moment but don’t know where to start looking for help, especially as I was advised to get therapy to treat the trauma as much as the bereavement.

@Yadsevet how are you doing now? I’m sorry your family aren’t much use. I’m glad your kids are doing well. You’ve obviously done an amazing job in enabling that.

@Purplesproutingbroccoli23 yes isolating is totally what it is. How are your daughters? Mine is currently ok. I’ve tried to be honest with her. She’s just started secondary and the school are being amazing.

Thanks for sharing the poem @ThrowAwayNameForToday

My dog was definitely traumatised @Justlovedogs. he was also with DH at the time and for quite a while after too. He seems fine now so hopefully yours will get better soon.

@SockHop at the moment I’m ok. I got a bit of a shock when I spiralled as you think after 6 years you’ll be ok but some things triggered me and I really felt horrific. I’m coming out of the anger stage I think. People think grief is linear but it isn’t. You can go on for months and years just fine and then something just knocks you and takes you back. I find DH’s birthday a real trigger. Our wedding anniversary tends to pass me by and I’m also on usually on the day he died. It’s often the kids milestones I struggle with too - A level results, graduation etc and when I need some back up.

My eldest has just started secondary too. Very up and down here in terms of emotions, but generally doing ok overall. I’ve also tried to be honest with them. My eldest is currently feeling anxious about how to tell her new friends what happened to our family

Widowed by suicide too 👋 (18 months ago).
For ages I felt completely numbed
It’s a different grief to losing a family member to natural causes (so many very mixed up emotions)
Unexpectedly, I have recently started dating (very slowly) a widower who I met, who lost his wife to cancer, so I’m slowly starting to unfreeze.

I was 37 when my dh killed his self

im now 52

way was good. Met people.

Sobs for me wasn’t good.

also many here on mn listened and advised

Too many wanted to wallow in sobs

time really does help

you don’t get over it but you learn to live with it as really no choice