Youngish widows support thread.

[SockHop]

Hi
I’m starting this thread incase there are others like me who would like to connect and share bits of their journey.
Anyone welcome!

👋🏻 hello to new joiners. So awful that we all find ourselves here.

Just dashing off to work but @SockHop you can self refer to talking therapies through the nhs if in England. There will of course be a huge wait, and it’s likely just 12 weeks, one hour per week, of (ime) pretty sub standard CBT or someone sitting there nodding along whilst you unburden, but it’s a start. Google self refer for talking therapies in your area. The provision for this kind of stuff is disgustingly underfunded unfortunately so, if you are able to do it privately that would probably be more effective.

Hello to everyone today. I really feel for all of you that are dealing with this due to suicide. It must add a whole other layer of grief and anger.
I had a bad day yesterday. It was getting up to walk the dogs before work and it was still dark. The thought that I've got the whole winter ahead like this just made me feel sad. We always split walking duties and now it's all on me. Doesn't sound much written down, but twice a day, every day gets quite waring. Nothing compared to those of you that are parenting solo, though.

I’ve not heard of sobs @Blondeshavemorefun but I’ll avoid it. I’m definitely going to join WAY though. I’m in london so I suppose I’ll benefit from meet ups etc when I’m ready for that. I’m sometimes on your premium bonds thread (I think that’s you?) and the main thing I think Ill do when AM calls round next week is hire myself a life manager if such a thing exists. I feel like I’m wading through treacle with all the small stuff and I can’t even get near the bigger stuff.

Having said that I did manage to book myself a go appointment for next week.

Hi @phase2onwards . Yes to the mixed up emotions. There’s so much to unpick. I’m pleased for you that you’re in a space you can start to move on and have new experiences. I hope it all goes well.

@Purplesproutingbroccoli23 our dds must be almost identical ages. I know I wrote 11 but she turned 12 this month. My brain just hasn’t caught up! She’s at secondary school with a lot of her primary friends - some of who know what happened and others who don’t - so in some way that anxiety has been taken away from her. It’s tough seeing her go through such a big transition without her dad though. I also find it hard to work out what in her behaviour is grief and what is teenagehood creeping in.

@Justlovedogs im so sorry you’ve had a hard day. Winter is tricky. Doing things by yourself is tricky. Having a child adds a different layer into the mix, some of which is super hard, but some of it is positive too. And it doesn’t mean it’s not absolutely bloody awful for you too. I hope today was a bit better for you and that you’ve got people looking out for you. Did you have any plans for the weekend?

Sounds like we’ve had some very similar experiences. My daughter is at secondary school with a couple of her good friends from primary school but she hasn’t yet told any new friends, which feels like a big deal for her. I also find it so difficult to work out what is grief and what is pre-teen emotional stuff! Roughly where in the country are you based? We are south east

@Purplesproutingbroccoli23 we are in London.

Sorry, I just saw you already mentioned that. Have you found any support groups for bereaved children? It feels like there is so little help

Survivors of bereaved suicide
aka sobs. What a name

my local group all seemed so woe is me and alarmed when I said I was going to oz to see my friend who moved there and but your dh has died

I said yes. Thats why I’m going. Tomorrow doesn’t always come

let along when I met someone new. Omg.

hopefully other groups will be more supportive

@SockHop yes I’m the pb queen and telly queen of mn someone once told me 😂

Not sure how active this group is but a lot of what I have just read resonated with me.

A few days ago was the first anniversary of my husband dying, he was 43 and it was so quick. He had been diagnosed with bowel cancer 6 months previously but was meant to recover. It suddenly spread and he died a few weeks later. I feel like the last year has just been spent reliving the previous one each day, almost as traumatic as the first time. Still not real.

We have three children, they were 10, 8 and 2 when he died. All coping in very different ways. Our eldest just started secondary school and I really recognise the difficulty in knowing what his feelings truly reflect- grief or hormones or the change in school etc. It’s so hard to navigate alone.

i also found WAY of no use at all. No meet ups in London and it was essentially just access to some facebook groups that never reflected the tone I was feeling at the time. Eg opening it and seeing a terribly sad post when I was trying to be functional or people talking about struggling so much many years later. All of which being true and valid but hard to face at the beginning of this new life. I ended up leaving all social media around Father’s Day anyway so don’t see anything now.

Hi @paperwaterI've just started my journey through the year of 'firsts'. Would have been our wedding anniversary last week. 33 years. I was OK on the day but feeling it more now. I just feel like I've got an underlying sadness that's a blanket over everything. I keep doing everything as normal, but my heart isn't as in it as usual. I still keep expecting to find him at home or to walk in the door.

Hi @paperwater . Sorry to hear your story. How cruel to have the cancer act so quickly. I hope the first anniversary wasn’t too awful for you or the children.

I asked dds new school to check in on her today as she’s been down for a few weeks now. She’s been ill and tired and continuously run down and whilst I don’t think this is entirely down to DHs death, it’s obviously adding an extra layer. The fact she’s having to get herself up and out of the house 4 days a week makes me feel so guilty especially when she’s this tired. DH was the one who wfh and was around for her in the mornings and after school. Anyway the school seem to think she’s fine. Half term can’t come quick enough really for either of us (I’m a teacher) as I’m totally shattered too. Just want to hide away for a week.

I went to my GP to say I wasn’t coping but they didn’t do much which was a bit disappointing (and made me feel so sad thinking how DH must have felt when he went to the GP for help and was given nothing a few months before his death). Not quite sure what I was expecting though! I did however get in touch with Bereft and I’ve got a counselling session in a few weeks.

How is everyone else getting on?

Hi @Justlovedogs i have been thinking about you. I can definitely relate to how you’re feeling.

Don't know if I'm considered too old for this thread? I'm 60, so I think I'm still young to be a widow, though not as young as all of you. I'm sorry to hear about all your losses.

DH died last year aged 59, way too soon. It was cancer. I have two DDs who are very young adults and still live at home, though they're out often with work or friends, so I spend a lot of time alone. I thought last year was hard with the end of life/death/funeral/admin etc, but this year there has been lots going wrong with the house and I've never had to deal with finding contractors before, so it's all been a learning experience.

One thing I'm finding difficult is DH's sister, who I thought I was close to, hasn't been in touch for months. She's very angry at losing her brother young to cancer having lost her mother to the same cancer at a similar age. I feel a little abandoned. I've invited her to the scattering of the ashes and things, and although she attended, the visit was short and sweet and she went straight home afterwards. Hopefully things will improve.

We've managed to get through our "firsts", so at least they're done. Still can't believe some days that DH is no longer here.

Sorry to hear about your DD OP. Do you think she may benefit from some grief counselling too?

@Justlovedogs it’s so hard isn’t it. And never endingly disappointing. I’m in the middle of so many landmarks- our wedding anniversary was at the end of August, then his birthday, the anniversary of him dying. Now I have all three children’s birthdays in the run up to Christmas. Feels never ending and I have to say I feel incredibly down and depressed. It’s almost physical sometimes, the heaviness in each step.

@SockHop the first anniversary was challenging in different ways. My eleven year old wanted to know the date and was sad and upset. Our nine year old didn’t want to know the date so I had to “act normal” for him. Our three year old daughter has no idea but has recently hit on the idea that he will
come back soon and asks constantly when that will be. It’s unbearably sad and awful but I’m also glad she still remembers him and feels so connected.

Re your GP. It’s so variable, the care you get. I have never been seen by mine despite very desperate times and have done so many econsults when I was at my worst- they send a prescription but that’s it. I’ve been on antidepressants since last year and they do help, but I’m aware I feel a bit dissociated and it’s not really a solution. But nothing is I guess.

I took the boys to an assessment for grief counselling through a charity last week. They do a combination of play/art/talking therapy specifically for bereaved children. I’m hoping it’s of use as I’m currently paying a small fortune to a private child psychologist for our eldest.

@SparklyGlitterballs I’m sorry about your sister in law. I’m lucky with my friends and family but it’s so disappointing and isolating when people fail to recognise your need for support/empathy/solidarity. My husband’s dad died less than a year before he did so his family have been through so much. I love his family and we are close but I can tell some of his siblings (he was the oldest of four) definitely find it hard to confront the reality of his absence and our grieving children. I can understand it but it’s hard when you can’t escape the terrible truth of what they went through and them not being here.

Sending love to all. Keep going

Hello @SparklyGlitterballs You’re definitely not too old for our group - although sorry that you’re here.
Hopefully things will improve with your SIL. It’s really tough although I think it’s probably fairly common sadly. My DH was an only child so I don’t have any experience, but there are a few friends of his whose lack of contact has surprised me a little (2 in particular have been amazing though)

I think my dd is just shattered at the moment and worn out by the relentlessness of it all rather than grief. I am going to get her counselling though. I’m hoping me having some sessions will normalise it a bit as she’s not keen at the moment.

@paperwater it sounds so tricky juggling each child’s individual needs. Your daughters reaction is heartbreaking and it most be so difficult for you to hear. My dd sounds most like your eldest. Unbeknownst to me she was marking the 14th of each month as that’s the date he died on. I hope the grief counselling helps them. Is that through Winston’s Wish? Did you have to wait long to get an assessment?

The firsts are so tricky. Partly just not knowing how we will feel. Weve just had DDs birthday and her starting secondary. Our wedding anniversary was in September too. DH loved autumn and bonfire night (and Halloween) were his and DDs special events and she is somewhat dreading them both. Then it’s DHs birthday followed by Christmas.
DH died on Valentine’s Day. Although it wasn’t a date we celebrated at all in the 25 years we were together, it feels a bit like a final kick in the teeth that I’ll never be able to quietly ignore the anniversaries or even the build up to to them.

@SockHop you must be coping with so many competing emotions. I’m so sorry.

The counselling for the children is through Grief Encounter. They are based in Mill Hill which is not very near us (west London), but they will come to the boys schools once a week to do their sessions there. Zoom was an option too but given our second wanted therapy through play, it felt like it needed to be in person. My friend made the referral for us so I’m not sure exactly when, but they don’t suggest any therapy for the first 6-12 months apparently. Too soon to begin to process

Thanks @paperwater. I think in person therapy sounds much better for children. That’s great they come to the schools. I hope it goes well for you all. Do you know when the sessions will start yet?

I found out from a friend that DDs secondary does have a visiting counsellor, although they don’t advertise her that well. It’s probably worth my while looking for a more specialist counsellor though. I will add Grief Encounter to my list.

I've just started the round of "seconds".

My dad died very suddenly in January 2024. He was still quite young and not ill. We were talking about redoing my bedroom (he was a builder) and on Sunday he gave me a list of stuff to buy at IKEA. I went on Monday with my mother and ordered everything. Called him to tell him the delivery date and got no answer. Called his housemate to check on him as I had a bad feeling and they broke down his bedroom door and found him in bed.

Due to the post mortem delay we had to wait 6 weeks for the funeral, then 4 weeks to the day of that, my partner of 15 years died. He had been ill for many years but was on track to get a transplant soon and would likely have been fine with it.

Their birthdays were only a month apart (October and November). Our anniversary was also November, then Christmas, then dad's death in January, funeral in February, oh's death in march and his funeral April.

Last year it was like getting strapped into an emotional rollercoaster for 6 months, constantly going through firsts and barely recovering before the next one arrived. Near constant panic attacks and anxiety. It got better over the summer and I was able to live a little.

But I've just passed the first birthday on round two and it's all starting up again. All the support that was there last time has faded away and I'm stuck doing it alone this time.

I’m so sorry for your losses. Some of these posts are heartbreaking. My DH died very unexpectedly, just before last Christmas. I’m awake as usual. Insomnia is my biggest enemy. Everything feels bleak when you’re awake at this time of night.

Yeah night time is the worst.

Last night I dreamt about my husband for the first time since he died almost exactly a year ago. I’ve been aware I was never dreaming of him. I dreamt that he was alive but dying again and it was awful. Especially when I woke up and felt relieved he was already dead. It’s knocked me sideways today, couldn’t get back to sleep after so I’ve been awake since 5am.

@DoAWheelie that's such a lot to have gone though. I'm sorry that it's just as hard during the second round of anniversaries. I've heard that from a few people. Support does drop off quite quickly doesn't it? I do still have a lot of lovely people checking in on me - but it already feels different than in the first 6 months.

@Garamousalata I'm sorry that youre not sleeping. Have you been to the dr or are you taking anything for it? I'm not sleeping too badly at the moment which is one small blessing. I buy melatonin from America which I think helps me sleep through. It feels more effective than any over the counter available here that I've tried.

@paperwater What a horrible dream. They can really affect you can't they? I think I've dreamt about DH 3 times, and bizarrely the most recent one was this week too. It was horrible. It was a really extreme version of all the things that were going wrong before his death and like you I felt relief when I woke up.

I've had a bad week. I'm hating work at the moment. I'm shattered and I don't have the resilience to cope with anything. I'm probably pissing people off. I just want to be in bed. I'm lucky that I do get time to myself when dd is out/entertaining herself. It must be so difficult for those of you whose children are still really little.
I'm also finding being in our familiar places really tricky right now. Some days I can walk around our local area and feel totally fine - but at the moment everywhere seems to remind me of DH in some way. I feel like a character in a computer game who's got to smash memories out of the way every direction I look. Like its me against the world. Walking home from the tube station was particularly bad last night. I got in the house and just burst into tears.

@SockHop it’s so hard whatever the circumstances. Just in different ways probably?

Not exactly what you said but re smashing things- I can highly recommend it! I am having to sort through the whole house at the moment as we will be having building work starting in Jan. It’s emotionally brutal and exhausting, the other day I was in the loft (my husband’s office that I rarely go into) and I suddenly decided to smash up a chest of drawers in there. It was very satisfying, and probably quite deranged but there was a release of some kind.

I hope that today has been a calm day at least xx

How is everyone getting on?

Smashing things up does sound satisfying @paperwater. Our plan is to sort out DDs room over half term - so if we actually get round to it I might have some contenders to smash up.
Going through the house is tricky isn’t it. We stayed at my mums for the first few months after DH died and I did a massive declutter and repaint of the downstairs before we moved back. It was overdue anyway but also a much needed cleanse before I could be in that space again. Obviously our situation was very different to yours - but having that ‘familiar but different’ feeling about the house was beneficial to us. But it’s obviously hard going through everything and I imagine it’s even harder doing it now than in the immediate aftermath. Are you having help or doing it alone?

It’s Monday morning I’m very grateful that it’s half term. Dd and I have had such a lazy weekend (Dd also had the last 2 days of last week off school so she’s had even more down time.) We’ve definitely both needed it.

I spoke to one of my bosses at work about dropping some responsibilities from my role and she was fairly positive - but the bigger boss was less keen. So we’ve parked the conversation for now. I also wanted to drop half a day although that only works if I have less responsibility so that’s not happening for now either. I can plod on as I am for the time but I do need a long term plan about work. My head just isn’t in the same place and I just don’t care about it enough. I’m also finding it tricky to organise myself and my time and I’m forgetting to do things which doesn’t help.
Has anyone made or is planning to make big changes to their work life? I could afford to take time off but I would need a plan of what to do after and I’m also a bit worried that I’d be wasting money that might be better spent elsewhere or saved for later. I feel like it’s probably not the best time to be making big decisions when there’s not an obvious solution.

I hope you’re all doing ok and managing to find bits of pleasure each day.

The exact chain of events is complicated, and doesn't really matter, but, as a direct result of something he did while he was alive, I won a £100 gift card for the online store on my games console this week.

It arrived the day before the sequel to one of my favourite games of all time released. He used to promise that he'd buy it for me when it eventually came out as I loved watching me play the original game and we spent a lot of time discussing the story etc.

It would have been our 17th anniversary in a couple of weeks so it's feeling very much like one last present from him.