Youngish widows support thread.

[SockHop]

Hi
I’m starting this thread incase there are others like me who would like to connect and share bits of their journey.
Anyone welcome!

That’s so lovely @DoAWheelie . I’d definitely take that as a present from DP. I hope you enjoy playing your new game.

Hi everyone - my DH died of cancer 8 months ago, aged 55. I'm 47. I seem to be coping relatively ok with all the firsts so far, but what I'm struggling with is the trauma of watching him die. I recently woke up with a jolt, thinking I'd heard him call my name because he needed more pain relief and it took me right back. I've been keeping busy and I've had so much support from friends who all regularly check in with me, but tbh I'm just exhausted now. I know it's still early days but I just want to fast forward to the part where things are better.

That sounds so hard @FancyFlugelhorn. It’s horrible reliving these moments isn’t it?

Like you I’ve found keeping busy really helpful but am now at the point of total exhaustion. Everything just feels relentless and its really tough. Do you get time to switch off? Or is that not possible at the moment.

I’m glad you’ve got people watching out for you. That definitely helps.

I’m trying to carve out some time to switch off but it’s been hard convincing my friends that I need space to recharge. I’m so grateful for their support but sometimes I just need a weekend where I can ignore my phone without worrying anyone. Tbh I feel like I’ve been performing to prove that I’m doing ok, and that’s what is exhausting. I’m still going through probate plus another ongoing legal issue, and I’ve had lots of things go wrong in the house, all things DH would have easily fixed but I don’t have a clue. It does seem relentless.
Are you able to free up some of your time @SockHop?

@FancyFlugelhorn im a teacher so I’m on half term this week which is such a relief. My dd is 12 and she’s shattered too so she’s been happy hanging around the house. I kept on falling asleep over the weekend. Honestly I can’t remember being this tired other than when I’ve been ill. I’m slowly catching up on housework now as I’ve let everything slide. Hopefully the week will be enough to feel rested and more on track again although I do feel like I could happily hide away for a lot longer.

I hope your friends start to listen to your needs a bit more. They sound great (and it’s better to be too supportive than not supportive at all) but you definitely need time to recharge. It’s hard when people are being well meaning though isn’t it. I’m rubbish when I’m worried I’ll offend someone.

The admin is so draining isn’t it. How long have you been waiting for probate for? Ours was actually super quick once they’d received all the information. It was a very simple application though so I guess that helped. Whilst I’ve done most of the big things, I’ve still got a bank account to formally close and one or two other bits to finish off too but I’ve not had the energy to face them (even though I don’t think they’ll take much time.) I actually don’t have DHs death certificate yet as I used the interim coroners certificate for everything so I need to work out how to get that. And at some point I need to sort out my filing as everything is in one big box but in no particular order. I’ve actually got more to do than I remembered! I’ll get some things crossed off this week.

@SockHop I hope you managed to recharge as much as possible last week. I imagine as a teacher you must be exhausted by half term, so maybe everything just caught up with you. Are you sleeping ok at night?

We had some good news last week - probate has been granted so that's a huge weight off my shoulders. It took about 7 months which is fairly standard but I found the admin pretty stressful. I'm the sort of person who deals with difficult things by creating lists and getting organised, but my DSD(27), who is DH's other executor, closes down and shuts herself away for days at a time, then gets stressed because everything has piled up in her absence. We have a brilliant relationship but I've found our differing ways of dealing with things quite stressful at times, especially on top of my own grief. I just wanted to get the admin done, but she would take a long time to respond or sign documents. I'm just so thankful that part is over now. We do have other legal things to sort but I feel relieved that I can cross probate off the list.

It also means I can clear out DH's paperwork without worrying that I'm throwing away something important, although that's a whole other can of worms. It still feels wrong to be clearing out his things so I've left most of it, but it's hard to look at as it just reminds me that he's gone.

It would have been our 17th anniversary next Monday. We were mid way through a joint project when he died and I couldn't bring myself to carry on without him so it's been sitting abandoned for the last 18 months.

I've decided I'm going to try and finish it on Monday. It needs about 50 hours work on it so it's going to require some very long busy days but I think I really need the distraction anyway.

My DH died on Monday. A week ago today I was sitting on a recliner watching him in ICU. Such a kind man, lost his battle with pneumonia before starting chemo. I’m having flashbacks of his last moments too. Just terribly sad 😢

I'm so sorry mrsjgrealish its a tough journey 😔 😢 im sending you massive 🫂 there is no words 💔 😢 x

@Widowwith2no there really aren’t. Funeral on Wednesday. Pray for me. Hope you surviving too ❤️

Hi @MrsJGrealish . How are you getting on?

DH was diagnosed 8 years ago today. He died 6 years ago. It feels like yesterday and forever

I ended up not finishing on Monday as I got distracted by a very sick cat (he's now fine). But I did finish it this week and it was quite cathartic.

This will be our 5th Christmas and although it's not as bad as it was, I still find the run up to be a sad time. I'd love to ignore it tbh but our child is still young enough to believe.

Does anyone else find they seek out books about widowhood when things are tough? I've just finished Jill Halfpenny's book. We're very different people but I still found it comforting to read of her experiences and she has lots of practical coping mechanisms in it too.

@OrangeSmoke i don’t think i have read anything about widowhood yet. Tbh im not really managing to read much at all. Have you found any of them particularly useful?
I’m sorry the Christmas build up is tricky.

@Yadsevet I’m finding time moves in really strange ways. I hope you are ok.

@DoAWheelie I'm glad your cat is recovered. Well done on finishing the project.

@MrsJGrealish I hope you’re being well looked after. The early days are just horrible. I’ve been thinking of you.

How is everyone getting on?

I’ve just got past the 9 month mark. It seems crazy that we are fast approaching a whole year since DH died. His birthday would have been in a few weeks. I need to talk to dd about how she wants to mark it.

I’m doing ok but I’m still just shattered all the time. I’m finding it hard to complete (or even start) various tasks and my brain is in a bit of a fuzz. I’m doing the basics and the house is clean etc but my motivation feels at a particular low point. I have to keep on writing my myself notes because I worry about forgetting to do things.

I started some counselling which feels like it’s going ok.

Dd (12) is complex as always. She genuinely seems really happy most of the time but every now and again she’ll say something particularly critical of herself and I wonder how much she’s actually hiding. I know she doesn’t like me getting upset and I’m scared that she’s keeping her emotions regarding DHs death secret to try and avoid making me sad. It’s hard to know at what point to force conversations.
Shes got a few friendship complications raising their head at secondary so it might be more related to that. I guess there’s no easy answer.
i know a few of us have similar aged kids. How are you all getting on? @paperwater how is the counselling going for your boys?

Hey.

We are muddling along here somehow. In the last couple of months I have had my husband’s birthday, the first anniversary of him dying, our youngest’s fourth birthday and our middle child’s tenth birthday. It’s our oldest’s in two weeks, and then Christmas… this all feels spectacularly badly planned! Maybe it’s good to get all of these milestones out of the way but I can’t say I’m finding it easy.

@SockHop yes I asked the boys what they wanted to do for the anniversary- one wanted to mark it and the other wanted to not know when it was, so that was a bit tricky. I have definitely found it hard at times having to grieve and move at the children’s pace rather than my own. Of course I choose to put them first always and wouldn’t want it any other way. But it doesn’t make it easy. I just wanted to lie under a duvet all day but obviously that didn’t happen. Their grief counselling hasn’t started yet, they have a period of around 12 weeks between assessment and starting, so I guess around Christmas. Our oldest is still having private therapy each week and the school counsellor sees him once a week too.

Has anyone started thinking about Christmas? We went away last year and are going away again this time. I would like to erase Christmas altogether but I think I will have to do some Christmassy stuff with the kids. I used to love it but find it a particular hurdle at the moment.

i’m sorry to see a new poster on here @MrsJGrealish , tell us more about your husband if you want to. I also find myself haunted by my husbands last moments, but I am glad i was with him always xxx

He was the kindest, selfless man I’ve ever met. We started dating at 16. We’ve got 4 kids and 3 are starting back to work tomorrow. I don’t think there will ever be a day I don’t cry. I’m trying to make a routine with the youngest (she loves I’m a celeb) but when I’m watching it with her I just want to run away so much it aches. Yea not so good atm. Sorry to everyone else on here too 💔

@paperwater 12 weeks is such a long time! I guess it will come round soon enough but it feels like a long wait.

Yesterday I asked DD to think about what she wanted to do to mark DHs birthday and she just started crying silent tears . Obviously not a totally unexpected reaction but it just breaks me how raw this is for her. She’s got some scratches on her arm and whilst I’m 99% certain that they’re not self inflicted I’m so scared that it’s even a possibility. And I’m feeling really fucking pissed off with DH right now.

I wanted to go away for the whole Christmas holidays - somewhere hot and totally different. Dd wasn’t keen though so we are staying at home for Christmas itself and doing a short break in between Xmas and new years. On Christmas Day we will be at my mums as usual, but we’ve got a few extra people there which is good as it will give it a slightly different feel. I’m not sure what to do about DHs mother who is in a care home and has dementia. I think we will organise for her to come over on Boxing Day.
We are going to get a real tree this instead of dragging down the usual artificial one from the eaves of the loft in a slavish following of tradition. Same but different and DD has always wanted a real tree, She can obviously see right through it though. I’m dreading it all. I just want to cry.

What are you doing?

@SockHopi hadn’t even thought. I’m totally aware it’s Christmas, it’s just a dread I’m putting off. I said to dd last night if she wanted to celebrate. She said no. I said so no tree then? She said but the tree was so pretty so it looks like I’ll be heading to the loft. Not today. Will wait til December.

The last conversation I had about Christmas was me cornering DH consultant and asking him if he’d last to Christmas. He shook his head.

@MrsJGrealish im not surprised you haven’t thought about it. I don’t think you need to make any decisions. Just take it as it comes. How old is your youngest daughter?
Thats a really harrowing memory to have.

I hope everyone managed to get through yesterday okay.

Relieved it’s over tbh, although it’s another milestone, another thing that takes DH further away from being with us, another big thing that DH isn’t here for…

I wish I could rewind time.

Hey @ThrowAwayNameForToday
I hope you’re ok.

Our Christmas Day was fine on the surface but obviously sad. Dd was super upset at the end of the day and said that she’d sort of convinced herself she was in an alternate world where her dad coming back for Christmas, which just made me so sad.

I had a bit of a subtle-yet-public breakdown at a Boxing Day party yesterday and to get away quickly.

Well done everyone for getting through another horrid milestone.
X

poor DD @SockHop 😞
Sorry the festivities got a bit much for you yesterday, but totally understandable. I hope you are doing okay

I had several tearful episodes yesterday. My brain just kept screaming ‘why isn’t he here?’. It’s all so unfair. Yet here we are, another day to get through.

Virtual <hugs> to everyone else struggling through these days.