How quickly did you return to work?

[BigCheese24]

My mum died a few days ago. Age 61. Pancreatic cancer. Diagnosed the Monday, dead the Thursday. To say we are all in shock is an understatement.

i’m 34 and this is my first loss. I’ve never lost anyone of significance. My mum was my best friend. My question is, realistically, when can I expect to feel ok to return to work?

For reference, I’m customer facing in a bank.

just looking for any help

I had three months off work after we lost our son suddenly. My husband went back after two weeks. He felt that it would help him, whereas I couldn't get out of bed and do the basics for at least a month.

We have also just lost our Mum suddenly. I took about ten days off (I work in a caring role from home) whereas my sister has been given six months off work as she works in a busy team dealing with bereaved customers. She is going back next week so will have had three months off.
Everyone handles grief differently.

Thanks for all your replies. No Dad around, so I’m the next-of-kin / executor. We’re now 11 days post death and everyday there’s something to organise / decide / sort. I didn’t realise it would be so busy. And the funeral isn’t until 18th!

my sick line runs out on wednesday 9th July but I definitely will have to extend it :(

Same situation. I had 3 months off. So sorry, it’s shit and unfair. Be kind to yourself xx

@BigCheese24 I was executor for DM. You do a lot on line now. Lucky you can time off for being an executor.

I am sorry for your loss.

My experience of leading a large team is that there is a lot of variation. I have seen anything from a day to a year.

I always assume someone will be off for at least a week and most likely two for a parent. I will bend the rules/use discretion to get people up to 4-6 weeks but then after that so have to look at moving them to sick pay if they still need to be off.

I am so very sorry for your loss. My mum died suddenly but at a much older age so I was in some ways “prepared”. It’s devastating. I found it unreal to go in her house after her death - there was still a load of washing in the washing machine, damp and ready to hang out. It’s so very hard when there is no time to say goodbye. My mum had always stated that she wanted to “go quickly and not linger” and so I had that somewhat cold comfort.

I took almost no time off work as I had only just started a new job, it was brutally hard going. I wouldn’t recommend rushing back. The only upside was that at work, no one knew what was happening so I was able to suspend my grief and keep busy. For me that was useful. I think I might have totally fallen apart if I had let myself fall deeply into the grief for a long period of time but that is ME. Everyone grieves differently, each bereavement is unique.

If you can arrange extra time off work and you need that for the admin side of things too - do it. I spent a long time on the phone to my mum’s various friends just letting them tell me how amazing she was and how devastated they felt by her death. I spent hours writing letters to distant relatives to inform them.

Um wow

I had a couple of weeks when my dad died. One week was bereavement leave and I’d already booked a week for school holidays. I did struggle when back at work though.

No employer should expect an employee to return to work when not able too, esp if in a customer facing role, such as the OP, they wont be productive, so why rush.

Other options could be considered, a different role, part time wfh....

It all depends on the person and the relationship they had with their parent.

Up to the management to sort out work load, just as they would with any type of absence such as an accident or should someone with a broken leg come back to work still in plaster?

Everyone deals with it differently. I had a manager once who suddenly lost his Dad, he was back in the office the next day and only took the funeral day as leave. Another colleague similar had a couple of days as leave, but it really hit him a month or so later and needed time then to deal with bereavement.

Do what’s right for you.

I’m so sorry for your loss. A terrible shock for you and your family. Take good care of yourself.

Re going back to work, how long is a piece of string? Grief affects everyone differently. I hope your work will give you time off.

💐

@BigCheese24 I'm so sorry that you lost your mum. Echoing what others have said take your time if you can. I went back too early after my dad and ended up burning out.

@CW8612 I'm so , so sorry. That sounds unbelievably hard for you. Sending unmunsnetty hugs

I saw a lovely clip from Richard E Grant today (his wife died and he's been documenting his grief and how he's getting through it). His wife in her deathbed told him and his daughter that they should not feel guilty at surviving and living after she'd gone, that they should look for 'pockets of happiness' every day. That they should cherish these. She knew they'd be sad and miss her but wanted them to live and have joy too. I thought that was lovely, and a real gift.

I can also recommend the wonderful book 'levels of life" by Julian Barnes. It documents his grief and coping when he lost his wife. It's a short book but so relatable and makes the weird shit we all think about and do in grief all the more normal - a huge comfort to me after I lost my dad and others.

Sending love and comfort to all of you who have lost x

There’s not much point having a bereavement policy if it’s widely ignored. I’d be quite cross if a colleague took a long time off. Manager reallocates work but it’s the people that do it who get annoyed. They also have their needs and they might be overwhelmed. Taking weeks and weeks is not necessary and frankly it’s a bit selfish.

Well, it happened to me, a colleague lost his son, we all pulled together and worked harder, its what decent people do, not get cross at someone else's pain and misery.
Plus tbh i don't want someone back in the work place bring us all down with their grief.

A few years later, he was was working hard, as we all were, covering for a colleague who lost a parent in a car accident.

Shit happens and it can happen to any of us.

There's a balance though.

Losing a child is unimaginable to most of us (fortunately).
Losing a parent is obviously devastating and a shock in the OP's circumstances, but I presume @TizerorFizz is talking more generally.
I once worked with a woman well into her 40s (could have turned 50, I'm not sure) whose Grandparent died and she really tried to take the mick.
Every situation is different.
I've worked with a colleague who lost her ds to suicide. She said that obviously she would never be the same again, but sitting at home wasn't helping her at all so she asked to come back quite soon, even though everyone was more than happy to cover her for as long as she needed. People respond differently.
I'm fortunate I think in that over the decades most Managers have tried to use their discretion with people. It just makes that so much more difficult when you get the person like my colleague trying to take week and weeks off after losing a Grandparent, at a time of life when not many of us have Grandparents still.

Hi
I went back after a week bereavement leave when I lost my mum, she was 83 and had dementia for 5 years and was wheelchair bound.
I went in every day after work to help dad and we had kept her at home instead of care home. So I had time to adjust I grieved every day for 5 years as I felt I lost her over the time she had dementia so there was an element of relief and felt lucky she lived into old age.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your mum was so much younger and it must be a shock to lose someone so quickly. I hope you have family and friends to support you, there’s no timeline on how long you will need. It’ll still catch you when you hear a song she loved or on a special day when’s she’s not around. I hope your workplace give you plenty of support. 🤗❤️

Agree with above I had to go back early as I was dwelling on things at home.

My mum died suddenly and I was off until after the funeral, 4 weeks in total. My employer was amazing and paid me for the full time. I really enjoy my job but obviously all interest in it was replaced by this horror which had just entered our lives. I knew I was ready to go back to work when two mornings on the trot, I started feeling vaguely interested in what might be happening in the office. For me, work was part of my therapy.

I think if you like your job, you might feel ready to go back sooner. But as everyone has said, there’s no right or wrong way to be. I have a colleague who also loves her job but she took 6 months sick leave when her mum died.

@CarpetKnees Yes. I was.

I think losing a child is very different to losing a grandparent when you are an adult yourself. It’s easier to rationalise death when someone is in their 80s as opposed to being 18. I don’t think people whose elderly parent dies needs weeks and weeks off. Can anyone imagine doing this a century ago? You would not have a job to go back to.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I too lost my mum to PC very soon after diagnosis in June. I took the week before mum died off with stress. We had so little time to act and I was trying to work when I could, help parents and keep my home running. My mum died the following week so I used Bereavement leave which is 2 weeks in CS. That ended today so I spoke with GP who has signed me off for 2 weeks. The funeral is towards the end of second week. I’m planning to go back to work then. So 4-5 weeks.

For the record I don’t feel guilty (and find the post re 5 weeks snarky). I have an excellent attendance record at work and I work incredibly hard. My manager and Director have spoken with me to say come back when ready there is no rush.

My mum was an integral part of my life, as is my dad. Our family has been through hell and I know I’m not in the right frame of mind to do my job.

My mum died last year, a month after her cancer diagnosis. I was in complete shock and trying to hold it all together for my grandparents, her parents, so was off work for 6 weeks. I still went back too soon, but had the flexibility of being on a temp contract & took as long as I needed at the time (I didn't qualify for the company bereavement leave so just took unpaid leave) . Every body reacts and behaves differently, look after yourself.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

@Remagirl19 We all lose parents and it’s so sad when people die very quickly.

When working you do have to think about how staff will cope when you are not there. I would suggest people running their own companies don’t take 6 weeks. Cannot afford it.

My DF died suddenly. I was 24. My sisters were 19 and 15. I know what it feels like but I needed to work and unpaid leave was not possible as I had bills to pay. Being unpaid for weeks on end is a luxurious position to be in.

As a nation we seem to think extended leave is a right. It’s not and I’ve seen a lot of it down the years which is dubious. Organisations have to work out how work will be covered, when you might come back to work and what’s best for the employees who are doing your work. There’s always sympathy but it doesn’t last forever. Lots of people have sick note after sick note and that too is problematic.

"When working you do have to think about how staff will cope when you are not there."

Ummm....no you don't.

A century a go? Christ, i hope we've moved on since then! maybe not?

Everyone is different, as is the employer, a large multi national bank or Tesco etc can easily cope with a 3 or 4 weeks absence, an SME employing 5 people - not so easily.

But at the end of the day, good staff are hard to come by, i can only speak from my experience, the leave i got, i repaid my employer a 1000 fold, i'll never forget how well they treated me.

People who take the piss? thats a separate issue, to be dealt with entirely differently.

My mum died on Monday after being diagnosed with liver cancer not even 3 weeks ago. She was absolutely fine at the start of May. I’m due back tomorrow. It’s taken me 2 hours to water the plants and put bleach in the toilets. I’m so foggy. But, im on probation in a new and very senior post I don’t know what to do.