How quickly did you return to work?

[BigCheese24]

My mum died a few days ago. Age 61. Pancreatic cancer. Diagnosed the Monday, dead the Thursday. To say we are all in shock is an understatement.

i’m 34 and this is my first loss. I’ve never lost anyone of significance. My mum was my best friend. My question is, realistically, when can I expect to feel ok to return to work?

For reference, I’m customer facing in a bank.

just looking for any help

With respect this is a ridiculous thing to stay. You have your experience. Other people have theirs. It entirely depends. I have the kind of job where they would be making very sure I was ready if I tried to go back after only 5 weeks. And I likely wouldn’t be because of the type of work I do.

you can speak for yourself, but please don’t project your beliefs onto others, especially in a time of shock, vilnerability and grief

Sorry for your loss @BigCheese24

It is such a personal thing. I had three days when my dad died, which were used to plan the funeral and get the ball rolling on death admin. I needed a whole year when DD died! Even then I found it incredibly hard.

Is your workplace supportive?

Gosh OP I’m so sorry for your loss - this time last week everything was normal for you. What a shock. It’s normal to have a delayed reaction down the line, look after yourself.

I think any amount of time is fine. At my work 10 working days is standard for paid time off but with an expectation that being signed off for longer is often appropriate. Most people take 1-2 weeks immediately and then a few more days around the funeral but it does depend on how much practical stuff they have to do and how much support they have.

It all depends on the person and circumstances. My grandmother’s funeral is soon but it will be 5 weeks from her death.

I don’t put a measure on grief, I have always trusted my staff to do what they need to do.

Sorry for your loss. Take the time offered and if you need more get signed off. This is a major loss to you and a shock. Everyone is different, but customer facing can be hard to hide emotions. X

@Kdubs1981“Only 5 weeks” is a long time. For an adult parent. Not for a dc. There’s a difference. I’d not think letting others take the strain is fair. Some people won’t ever want to come back? What then? There’s a reason why paid leave is what it is. I also think caring for someone is a special ongoing case too but not all jobs can be held open indefinitely. I still believe getting back and keeping busy as many do works best. Or it becomes very difficult to go back.

My Dad died of liver cancer, 5 months from diagnosis to death and it was a horrendous ordeal. When he died, it was on a Friday afternoon and I had the Monday/Tuesday off to arrange things/getting his belongings from the hospice. Then I was back to work on the Wednesday with the odd hour off here and there for registering his death etc. DH and I run our own business, I do 100% of the admin and I had no choice but actually, it was better for me to be doing something, I got very maudlin at home.

Don’t rush. My mum died unexpectedly and I took 4 weeks off. I contacted my dr for a sick note avenues gave me 4 weeks, so I took that. My job is stressful so wanted to be ok.

I did t know what to do or if I needed time off. I just remember just doing what I was told as I couldn’t think. If the GP gave me 2 weeks I would have taken that.

But honestly I think I should have taken more. I crashed 4 months later as I don’t think I grieved and had another. 2 weeks off. Sorting her estate and supporting my dad took its toll.

in this situation I didn’t know what I needed.

I had a month off, then did a phased return over 4 weeks. But the bereavement was just the last straw in a string of stressful events and I was broken. I had to be signed off sick but work completely understood and didn't rush me back.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mum also died suddenly but in June 22.

It took a couple of weeks to even know why she'd died and then the funeral couldn't happen until 6 weeks after so I think I had about 8 weeks off and I only returned because I felt like I should, not because I was ready.

It could be worth discussing with your boss whether a phased return, or adjusted duties type arrangement could be drawn up.

I also asked my boss to tell my team what had happened so that there was no expectation on me to explain.

So much love, my mum was all the things to me that yours was to you and the grief is brutal

When My Dad died from pancreatic cancer I took o week off work.
When my OH died from oesophagus cancer I took about a month off, I work in a customer facing job, but everyones is different you will know when you feel ready to go back.

I never had any time off when my father died. It just wasn’t that big a deal for me.

However were DH or DS to pass away then I’d be pretty sure I’d be struggling for quite some time.

You just need to take it as it comes and see how you feel. The person’s relationship to you is irrelevant. What matters is how important they were to you and how long you need to process things. For some people losing a close friend would be more upsetting than losing a parent.

Company bereavement policies always miss this point.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

It's an impossible question. When my daughter died I got the usual 5 days and had to use AL for a few more weeks. Then I had to go back for financial reasons.

Find out your companies bereavement policy and see what you can do but only you will know how much you can cope with..

I took a couple of days off after Dad died, went back to work, took a few more to travel for the funeral but generally went back quite quickly. I didn’t have to deal with any formalities and just wanted to be busy and distracted. It was during Covid and I was in the middle of a big project and didn’t want to let my colleagues down. It was the right thing to do and I think Dad would’ve approved. But like everyone on here has said, everyone, and their circumstances are all different.

Only a few days BUT my dad had been unwell for a very long time and it was expected. My mum is still around so whilst we helped with practicalities we weren’t in charge iyswim.

it is so individual - don’t compare yourself to others. I remember someone saying to me ‘oh you’re coping so well I wouldn’t!’ But a/ I go into a sort of numb phase whenever anything bad happens b/ it was an expected death and c/ Ioved my dad of course but I wasn’t close to him

I'm so sorry, OP. My DM died of the same but it was more expected and she was a good deal older. I took a week's compassionate leave initially (actually only 4 days as there was a bank holiday) plus a further two days for funeral and memorial, so 6 days in total.

It depends on so many factors but I would say employers would expect you to take at least a week for a parent, and likely more than that in your circumstances. With my job, I quite enjoy it and the routine/something else to think about helped, plus I'm quite senior and it was a busy time of the year, so work would just pile up if I took longer. But at the same time I needed time to myself and to do the bulk of the admin.

I’m sorry for everyones losses

I think it varies. I lost my mother on the Sunday and went to work on the Monday. I was devastated at losing her but it didn’t cross my mind to take time off.

My Mum passed on Easter Sunday and my sister is still off work. However she works in a team of advisors who deal with customers who are struggling to pay their bills through bereavements, job losses etc, so she has to be top of her game with showing empathy and obviously dealing with the recently bereaved, while bereaved herself, meant she needed extra time. She's got a sick note for 6 months but I think she's going back next week.

I took two weeks when DH died (he was early 50s and very sudden) - that was a couple of days after the funeral. In hindsight I wish I took more time but DD was secondary age and was keen to get back to school, so I felt compelled to go back to work.

I only had a week off for my parents, but they had been in ill health and died in their 80s.

I’m in a similar situation. My lovely mum, who me and my son lived with, sadly passed away suddenly almost 4 weeks ago. I know I’m definitely not ready to go back to work right now, I’ve not even moved or unpacked her hospital bag off the kitchen table yet as I’m not ready to do that either. As others have said it is individual and you must take all the time you need. When my dad passed away when I was 13 everyone around me fell apart so I felt I needed to be strong. For years after I became emotionless and could only express sadness through things that weren’t real on tv. I know I’m not going to rush back to work (I work in a school) and if I need my doctor to sign me off for longer I know that’s an option. Her funeral was last week and that hit me all over again. I’ve found it harder to lose my mum later in life than lose my dad as a teen but they were completely different situations.
Be kind to yourself

@BigCheese24 im really sorry for your loss OP. I think it really depends on the person. Every one grieves differently. Some
people think that work helps and others can’t think of anything worse. Take it slow and see how you are.

Sorry for your loss OP 😓, my dad died pretty young, I has a toddler and a managerial clinical NHS job at the time… I took about 2-3 weeks off but also had just returned from maternity leave leave… I put pressure on myself to return as my line manager had returned quickly after her dad passed. I was new to this type of loss and although he had been unwell for a while, the month before he died he’d been in hospital but we were planning for discharge and the end came unexpectedly… I didn’t cope brilliantly to be honest. I didn’t want to be at work and I actually started trying for baby number 2 and got pregnant straight away! On hindsight, although I wanted another baby, I knew I found it tough. I didn’t want to be at work .I was taking on a lot as my sibling did nothing to support my grieving mother who wanted to also relocate, but a sell a house etc too!

it was all very stressful, bottom line is that I started having panic attacks a few months after which was probably down to stress plus I put my own grief aside to help others and I just didn’t process it all, it really came back to bite me on the bum.

What I’m saying it, take the time you need to grieve, don’t rush back unless you need to and if you do, have a convo about your grief with your manager and how you might need the occasional extra day at times, even after a while, because grief is a process that isn’t linear. be kind to yourself and your needs xx

Self employed living on my own, so no "back up" income from a partner

I didn't take time off, though did ask for clients to be understanding.

It was an unexpected bereavement. Sole executor and beneficiary.

A lot of issues with in-family conflicts etc.

I was running around doing everything on my own. I don't recommend it.

All my partner had to say on it was, "well, you weren't that close to DM anyway", whilst he went away l on a work trip for most of the time I was having to organise and arrange.

Still not over it and possibly never will be. Still working though. I have no choice.

I had eight weeks off earlier this year when my husband died. He was well on Sunday but died on Thursday so very unexpected.

i went back after eight weeks but I only do 20 hours (another five commuting).

So sorry for your loss that is a massive shock. My DM died suddenly in March after a short illness. I was given a week compassionate leave when she was taken ill and then a week bereavement leave when she passed away and then I went back to work. I think two weeks was very generous of my firm to pay me and I was very grateful to them, then they gave me the day off for the funeral.