How quickly did you return to work?

[BigCheese24]

My mum died a few days ago. Age 61. Pancreatic cancer. Diagnosed the Monday, dead the Thursday. To say we are all in shock is an understatement.

i’m 34 and this is my first loss. I’ve never lost anyone of significance. My mum was my best friend. My question is, realistically, when can I expect to feel ok to return to work?

For reference, I’m customer facing in a bank.

just looking for any help

My dad died suddenly at 62. I dropped everything, drove 4 hours to my mum and stayed there until the funeral. I think it was just over 2 weeks in the end.

It really depends on lots of factors. I had to help my mum with all the arrangements. Phoning insurance companies and the bank, going to register the death, that sort of thing. It was a very busy couple of weeks.

Went back to work and promptly off sick for seven months due to RSI (stress induced).

Sorry for your loss.

It’s a hard one to answer as not everybody reacts and copes with bereavement the same way. My father died suddenly on a Saturday morning. I was back at work on Monday morning as usual.

My husband took the unexpected death of his father very badly but it coincided with the Christmas break so he had a week or so to compose himself before returning to work. He was grieving for a long time though.

It depends on what you need to do practically - are you expected to arrange anything or is your Dad around to do this? Practical arrangements can be quite complex and can take some time.

Other than that it's very personal as to how you are feeling and also can be limited by what you work offers as bereavement leave - it can vary quite a lot.

I was executor for a parent who died suddenly but only worked part time at the time so was able to sort things out at weekends. I wasn't close to them so emotionally it was very different to you.

Talk to work, talk to family.

When I lost my mum, I had a week off and then went back to work. We were very close - she had a cancer that killed her over 18 months so we were in less shock than you are right now. Honestly I was fine to go back. Then it hit me about six months later but by then of course you can’t just go off if you can realistically manage. I struggled (and just about functioned) for around another 6 months. Work helped me to maintain routine but it was also an avoidance strategy!

@BigCheese24 I lost my dad at 24. Sisters were 19 and 15. They had around 3 days away from university and school and then went back. They wanted to be with friends. I took 4 days to do everything with mum and my boss complained! I complained to HR. It also depends how far away and how much you need to do with your mum. I helped sort out everything for the funeral.

I do sometimes think keeping busy is the best policy. You also know how tearful you are. Also check with HR over your company bereavement leave policy. You will get some paid but if you take longer, you might need unpaid or doctors note.

I do hope you are coping - such a shock!
My uncles helped dm too but some people are quite stoical and grieve privately and others are much more outwardly affected. The funeral will be difficult for everyone but I’d talk to work about what’s going to be best for you. I’m not one for sitting around drinking tea but you might need to assess how you are day by day but I found getting back to my life suited me better. Friends were kind and boss was put in her place!

Sorry for your loss.
However, there is no 'correct' answer.
People react differently and people work in different roles.
When each of my parents died, I went to work the next day. There wasn't really anything I could do the next day, and it gave a bit of normality and 'something to do'. I was a bit numb and work colleagues were very kind and didn't demand anything of me and I didn't need to be 'customer facing'.
I found, with all my close bereavements, routine and carrying on helped me enormously. The longer you stop doing things the bigger of a 'thing' it becomes to return IME. The first day at work will be very difficult, but more so if you take a longer time (even if your work allows it).

Firstly, so sorry for your loss, you have my sympathies. Everyone grieves differently and everyone who works has a company with different policies around what is permitted and what needs to be 'booked on top'. Personally, and with the job I do, I would be taking two weeks and not going back until after the funeral. If work wouldn't give me that time (although thankfully mine will) I would either use holiday or take unpaid leave. If I need longer after that then I would need to negotiate. But there is no one-size-fits all and we all have different policies governing our time away from work and our responsibilities differ too.

So sorry for your loss. My dad died from a stroke while I was abroad, so I came home to deal with my mum and his business and that took most of my energy. I was desperate to get back to my kids and my work, just to get away from all the grieving. But it was a distraction and it meant I didn’t really grieve properly. It’s personal really, it depends on how you feel. You may need the support of coworkers or you may need time alone.

I'm so sorry. You're going to be in deep shock now, as it's happened so fast, even though your mind might try to tell you that you can manage the practical things ok and work is just another practical thing so why not go and keep busy there? It's a trick, your mind does that so to try and protect itself.

I tried to keep going with work when my dad was severely ill in hospital because he'd been in many time before and you can't just take time off every time to go and sit with him, just in case it's the last time. It was very hard and I end up having a huge breakdown at work after making a big mistake. I was sent home. When he actually died a few weeks later it was almost a relief. I took a week off to help my Mum with the practical things and arrange the funeral. Then the week of the funeral I took the day before and the day after it too.

Everyone's different. Whenever you decide to go back you'll find it hitting you at random times. Be prepared for that as I wasn't expecting it. I'm customer facing too and it was difficult sometimes.

Be kind to yourself.

My dad died at 54. I took a week.
My mum killed in a car accident. Had to arrange funeral, wind up the estate, sell the house, liaise with coroner etc. I took three weeks.
Nurse.

So sorry for your loss OP. There is no definite answer for this. Everyone is different. When my dad died I went back to school almost immediately- told no one. I have had two other significant losses, one in very traumatic circumstances and chose to go back very quickly. This was best for me as I didn't want to be at home alone. Grief I read is like a wave, sometimes you are dipping your toes it it and other times it comes crashing onto u. Look after yourself

A colleague of mine has just returned from a week off after losing a parent, and that seems to be usual in my workplace.

Take as long as you need. Speak to your GP. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I only took just over a week when my father died (years ago now), but we hadn’t been close. My colleague recently lost their dad and ended up taking about 5 weeks off with a GP’s note. That was fine with their line manager and the rest of the team thought that was reasonable too.

So sorry for your loss. Everyone is different do what is best for you. When I lost my DF he was in a care home. I only took a couple of days off because I didn't want to be at home alone when everyone else was at work. I worked in a puplic facing role in retail. It was good for me to be busy also there were people at work that had been through it before me so I had people to talk to. Someone else at work was off for weeks got signed off by the Dr.

I didn’t take any time off when my Mum died, but we weren’t close and my Dad did all the necessary stuff. My Dad had the decency to die at the start of the school summer holiday (I was a teacher), so I was ok to return to work in September when term started, having dealt with his funeral and estate.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's such a personal thing tbh.
My dad died after a long and horrible degenerative illness 2 weeks ago. I took 2 days off and then went back (teacher). It was hard but I thought I might as well be grieving at work as at home. My husband works away and I have 2 primary age kids so I kind of had to get on with things and I found a routine helpful in a way. Plus I know I'll have the summer holidays as a break from work soon.

Honestly though, everyone is different, every situation is different and everyone's relationship with their parents is different. You have the added blow of it being such a huge shock (whereas I knew it was coming and had a long slow goodbye).
Take care, I hope you have some support around you. 💐

Wow, what an awful shock you’ve had on top of a major bereavement. My mum has Stage 4 pancreatic cancer, similar age to your mum. I am so sorry you’be been affected by the awfulness.

This is such a difficult question and it is worth being mindful that you’ve had a double whammy and to take as much time as you need. Do you have a supportive employer?

I’m afraid I don’t think 5 weeks is reasonable. Might be if they travelled abroad and took holiday but you cannot get much of the estate sorted out initially. I think 5 weeks is dodging work and assuming colleagues can take over. We do all have to face this and it’s individual but we should expect to go back to work after the funeral and 5 weeks is a lot.

I think it depends on too many factors. I was 27 when my dad died and he was 54. I’m a secondary teacher and the idea of having the energy, enthusiasm and strength to teach after losing my dad was hard. I had 2 weeks off then had to go back to daily ‘where have you been miss?! On a long holiday?! Hahaha’

I work in A&E i took a month off for my mum. ( i was already on leave so i actually only had 1 week bereavement and a week sick.

i’d imagine it would be similar for my dad. It’s taken a month for my dad in laws funeral to be arranged due to coroner and then availabilties for the funeral. I wouldn’t be trying to support patients in a therapeutic role before then. I don’t think it’s unreasonable.

Grief continues i agree but not everyone can rush back to work.

My heart goes out to you and the op and everyone who has known loss.

I don't think you can speak for everyone or say it's "dodging work" to be honest. It sounds like you're looking for an excuse to put the boot in at a time when many posters have shared their struggles (some extremely recent) and I wonder why someone would do that.

There are many reasons why someone may need longer than what is covered by compassionate leave, or have a reaction to a bereavement that means they aren't ready to jump back into work after a funeral.

Sorry to hear this.

everyone is different. Only return when you are ready and get signed off of you don’t have much compassionate.

Mu mum died of cancer and I was off for a week but I returned for 2 days and then had half term and then a few days back before a few days off for the funeral.

But I also knew she was dying for a long time which is totally different.

Don’t rush back. This has been a huge shock. You likely won’t be hit by it a fully for a little while. Give yourself time. Take sick leave if necessary. It just depends, but the key thing is give it time and don’t rush into it. A colleague of mine lost her husband and was off for a year. It’s just so personal

im so sorry this has happened to you.