I can't talk about my son with my daughters...

[Spooky2000]

As it distresses them. I said a song reminded me of him in our group chat the other day and was asked not to mention when things reminded me of him because it was hard for them and to just take a moment and reflect and think of him privately. I'm the opposite; I want to talk about my son ALL THE TIME. No one asks though, and I know why. I get that, but it's making things harder for me.

The past few days I have cried a LOT and been feeling really bereft. The funeral was only two weeks ago, but in some ways it feels like a lifetime ago. I cannot accept either that I will never see my son again. As time passes, I find things are getting harder, not easier. I expected to be told one day that my son had passed because of his MH issues, but I hoped that it wouldn't happen and that I was just over-anxious, but it HAS happened.

I have a picture on my desk from when he was a toddler and the OoS from his funeral and I look at that and can't reconcile that this is my son and that I was there at his funeral. It is incredibly surreal. My life has lost the sheen that it had and now is just a case of plodding on. His things were brought to me and I repacked them into boxes and I found several lovely little things he'd kept as memento's from me - a Xmas card that I'd sent after we fell out in June 2020 that just said I love you son and I'm thinking of you. He's moved 3 times and yet still had that <3. A little dinosaur from Toy Story where he'd bought that for him and a Woody for me when we were at an Aldi. A bag of worry dolls I'd given to him. I really broke my heart when I saw these things and wish he'd reached out to me. I thought he was doing OK and I didn't want to cause any disharmony, so I didn't contact him but he and the girls were much on my mind shortly before he passed, because I was preparing a will having just bought a house (which I now can't move into for a while as one of the chain pulled out).

I just cannot accept that I won't see him again and I get a longing and (I won't do it), but I think a lot about joining hm. I've had to return to work and can't take any more time off sick as I've had loads in the last 6 months for other reasons.

I just want to talk about him here. Share some of my memories of him. Is that OK?

Hi Spooky2000
i completely understand your pain. I lost my son about 10 weeks ago. The funeral was nearly 7 weeks ago and I’m actually finding it harder and harder as I just miss him so much.
I have also had thoughts of joining him and it was more intense feeling in the first few weeks. I still have fleeting thoughts as I can’t understand how I’m supposed to have a life without him, I have other children and they are the reason I’m still here, my son wouldn’t want me to leave them..so I stay!!
I talk about my son all the time, in fact I feel like my life is consumed by him..until I catch a thought..which brings me back to nothing I do or nothing anyone can say is going to bring him back..and that is all I want.
what you are feeling is normal I guess. Life is cruel and painful. I have nothing I can say that will make it better..but just know you aren’t alone on this very painful journey xx

I’m really sorry to hear about your loss and yours too @Spooky2000

sending you big hugs x

As long as you carry your DS in your heart, and you always will, he is still with you. Your DD's are grieving differently to you, because you were his Mum and gave birth to him he will always be part of you in a different way than to his sisters. The death of a child is the most painful type of bereavement of all. Give it time with his sisters. It's still so raw ATM. From what you've written your DS sounds similar to one of my DS's he plays the guitar and loves Star Wars and Harry Potter too. Did he used to like those Transformers when he was younger too by any chance? Start a journal. Just write whatever you feel. Have conversations with your DS if you need to. 💐

@stressedmumof5 I’m so sorry for your loss. I can hear your pain in your words. Do you have some support in real life? When it’s the right time for you I hope you have access to some bereavement counselling.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. My friends lost their son 20 years ago and not being able to talk about him has been very hard for them I always try to if I have an opportunity.

Please tell us about your boy.

My relative has experienced this loss with her son. It's such a gaping loss and I can't imagine the pain. Your son sounds like him: brimming with energy, cheekiness, laughter but with that rare sensitivity that's so delightful in young men.

I can't say we don't feel the loss years on and cry - like I did recently when two of his friends ran the London Marathon for charity in his name. But the shock and anger have gone and a life has been rebuilt. Be kind to yourself and take all the support and kindness you're offered. Sending love and hugs.

Thank you everyone for letting me talk about him and things we did, or saw, or laughed at - it really means a lot to me to be able to share these memories and talk about him.❤

@caringcarer yes, he had two on his bookshelves for ages! I wonder what happened to them 🤔Then there was the PSP, the various PS's... :D

@Ihopeithinkiknow and @stressedmumof5 , I really am so very, very sorry for your loss and I appreciate you sharing that with me here and with us all. It really is a position that none of us should be in. Please feel free to join me in talking about your loved ones here and anything that makes you sad or happy that you shared with them. ❤

When my dp died, I started using his Facebook page as a conversation with him, I post old photographs & memories, wish him happy birthday, anniversary of us meeting, Christmas, Valentines day. It's a way of being able to remember the story of us together, the good bits. I'm lucky because he was a professional sportsman & there are loads of videos of him on the internet, I treasure the memories of going to the events he played in & the celebrations of when he won. One day you will be able to smile about the memories you hold, talk about him & keep his memory alive.

I’m so sorry to everyone going through this. But grief Tourette’s, it’s actually a thing? I lost my son ten weeks ago as well, suicide, and I thought I was going completely mad blurting out to anyone who’d listen, wether they wanted to or not, that my son had died and then telling stories about him whilst trying to keep the tears at bay.

it’s just so hard, that empty feeling inside.

This thread is heartbreaking.

@Salut22 I'm so sorry you didn't get a reply to your post. I'm so sorry you lost your lovely boy. Would you like to tell us about him?