I can't talk about my son with my daughters...

[Spooky2000]

As it distresses them. I said a song reminded me of him in our group chat the other day and was asked not to mention when things reminded me of him because it was hard for them and to just take a moment and reflect and think of him privately. I'm the opposite; I want to talk about my son ALL THE TIME. No one asks though, and I know why. I get that, but it's making things harder for me.

The past few days I have cried a LOT and been feeling really bereft. The funeral was only two weeks ago, but in some ways it feels like a lifetime ago. I cannot accept either that I will never see my son again. As time passes, I find things are getting harder, not easier. I expected to be told one day that my son had passed because of his MH issues, but I hoped that it wouldn't happen and that I was just over-anxious, but it HAS happened.

I have a picture on my desk from when he was a toddler and the OoS from his funeral and I look at that and can't reconcile that this is my son and that I was there at his funeral. It is incredibly surreal. My life has lost the sheen that it had and now is just a case of plodding on. His things were brought to me and I repacked them into boxes and I found several lovely little things he'd kept as memento's from me - a Xmas card that I'd sent after we fell out in June 2020 that just said I love you son and I'm thinking of you. He's moved 3 times and yet still had that <3. A little dinosaur from Toy Story where he'd bought that for him and a Woody for me when we were at an Aldi. A bag of worry dolls I'd given to him. I really broke my heart when I saw these things and wish he'd reached out to me. I thought he was doing OK and I didn't want to cause any disharmony, so I didn't contact him but he and the girls were much on my mind shortly before he passed, because I was preparing a will having just bought a house (which I now can't move into for a while as one of the chain pulled out).

I just cannot accept that I won't see him again and I get a longing and (I won't do it), but I think a lot about joining hm. I've had to return to work and can't take any more time off sick as I've had loads in the last 6 months for other reasons.

I just want to talk about him here. Share some of my memories of him. Is that OK?

I'd like to hear about your son.

What did he like doing? Was he in to music, or films?

I am so sorry. Tell us about him, what was his favourite song? What was he like as a toddler?

Please tell us more about him

Please do tell us all about your lovely son.💐

What a terrible thing to happen.

Say whatever you like about him here.

Have you been in touch with The Compassionate Friends or Cruse to find people to talk to?

I would love to hear about your son.

And i’m sorry it’s hard to share your memories at home. It feels like a clash of what you need/ supporting you in your way of grieving and the same for your daughters. A couple of friends mention my late dd whenever we meet and I really appreciate it. My family on the other hand, never do.

I am so sorry. Please tell me about your son.

So sad for you spooky, I’m sorry.

Please keep posting on here. Xx

I'm so so sorry for the loss of your son. Everyone grieves differently and it's sounds your daughters are just not ready to relive these memories just yet, but it's so important you have an outlet for your unimaginable grief.
Please share with us on here x

Im so sorry, OP. Your daughters may feel more able to talk about him in time, but I’d find different people to talk to about him for now. You need that, but your daughters currently need something else. Friends? A bereavement counsellor? A phone line? Other family?

Im so sorry. Give your girls time. They are grieving in their own ways. I know its doesn't feel like it now and its going to be like constantly being winded or hit by a ton of bricks at times, especially waking up and its like it happening over and over. But it gets gradually less painful as time goes by. I don't think the sadness goes away but it does get a little easier to think about happier memories and start to enjoy life again though it will never be the same. Apologies if my words sound clumsy, we are just over 3 years down the line from losing my partners best friend, (my friends 30yo son) and I've seen my friend go from the utter unimaginable pain of the early grief to starting to feel less broken. There are still bad days but its getting better for her and it will for you too. Be gentle and kind with yourself xx

That is so sad, I'm so sorry for your loss. Please do tell us about your boy.

My brother died four years ago. I am one of three. It was definitely too hard to talk about things that reminded me of him so soon after he died. I couldn’t cope with it. And everyone copes in different ways, and that is OK.

I have struggled at times with the relationship with my mum since my brother died. His death consumed her, and she would say she didn’t know how to live without him (which was hard to hear as a surviving child).

I don’t know when it changed, but we all talk about my brother all the time now. None of us shy away from it or struggle. It was just too soon and too raw early after his death. For what it’s worth, I am a mum but my child is small, and I can only imagine what it is like. Try to give each other time and space.

I would also love to hear about your son x

Oh, thank you so much! I'm sat here sobbing at how kind you all are.

I adore him, I really do. We had our ups and downs like all families do, but I think because it seems everyone gets on all of the time on telly and stuff, then falling out just seemed like a big deal, when it wasn't really.

@Witchling He loved anything spacey or Alien-y 😄He watched all the Star Wars films and we went to see all the Harry Potter and LOTR films. He liked Quentin Tarantino films and when he was about 10, I went to see Kill Bill 2 and he begged me to tell him about it and stayed up to hear it from me! He was just a gorgeous little boy and toddler and he grew into a really handsome man - tall, dark and handsome. He used to love playing on his PS - Alien Isolation, the last of us, Uncharted...these were his favourites. He could cook, but he loved my cooking and I made him a Sweet Potato Pie one day as he kept asking for it. He and a mate demolished it 😂Such a good, calm baby too...ate and slept and that was about it! Rarely cried.

He can play the guitar and won best newcomer at a competition when he was 14. All the girls were at the front screaming for him 😂He was great but he just didn't see it himself. He won by playing Kings of Leon Use somebody. He'd only been playing for about 8 weeks at that point! There were loads of bands he liked. He was about 11 when he first went to a concert - Faithless! He hung over the barriers and the staff got fed up with telling him to move back. He used to love AC/DC too, and we went to see Kaleo together.

He's was very kind and had an affinity to girls because we were a female family, He was the only lad until I met my then partner. Being able to get on with girls though meant that he was bullied by lads at school 😞

@mumonthehill , he was such a cute toddler! I'm not exaggerating when I say people would stop us in the street and comment on what a gorgeous kid he was. Blonde curly hair and these huge brown eyes.

He's so funny! He does great impressions of people - fantastic impression of Bane in Batman. David Attenborough was another. Always quick witted witha punchline sarky comment. I heard Clair De Lune on the radio the other day which was his entrance music and he liked some classical so this was what we brought him in to , with a slideshow of pics from when he was a baby and toddler, then with his siters and me, then friends as an adult. The chapel was packed. <3

I am so very sorry for your loss. When I lost my brother I avoided talking to my mum about him as I didn’t want her to have to manage my grief when she had so much to cope with herself.

now we talk about him all the time and laugh and smile and he’s still very present in our lives, we just needed a little time. My mum did benefit a lot from grief counselling which her gp helped her source.

I joined SOBS, but was too upset to go to the first meeting. I hope to go in July.

Please let us know all about him. I personally would love to learn about him.

I am so sorry for the loss of your son - your post brought tears to my eyes. He sounds lovely, full of interests and you paint a picture of someone who was, and always will be, very loved. I imagine your daughters can't cope with the grief right now but that will hopefully change in time. Thinking of you x

He sounds like a real character! And talented!

I'm so sorry for your loss, and that you feel you can't share how you really feel with your daughters.
When l lost my husband l kept a journal because like you l had this urge to talk about the person l had lost. I found myself off loading on anyone who was around, a woman at the bus stop for example and it obviously made people uncomfortable. So l wrote in my journal and l actually kept it going many years.
I also joined an online bereavement group that was helpful, talking to others in a similar boat and because l had never experienced such a devastating loss before, l started reading books written by people who had lost a loved one and it didn't make me feel so alone, or that l was losing the plot.
Raw grief is extremely painful, and it doesn't end once the funeral is over. You have to be extremely kind and gentle towards yourself. Sadly most people do shy away from death, but l did keep on talking about my husband, regardless of the deafening silence after and the speedy attempts to change the subject, and 12 years later l still do.
It gives me comfort now knowing my husband is at peace, the fact we shared some really lovely times and that he is and always will still be apart of me.
I hope you find much support it must be extremely difficult for you.

Thank you for saying this, because I know that I am consumed too, and feel the same way as your mum. I've not said to the girls that it's hard to imagine life without him, but I do feel that way. I understand now (thanks to your saying this) that I shouldn't share certain things with the girls. I am too 'open', too honest, and I say things without thinking of the impact upon them where I'm just trying to be open, but not realising the pain that may cause them - so thank you for posting; I appreciate that a LOT.

He sounds lovely and I’m so sad for your loss . Talk away to us I for one would love to hear all about him 🫶

Oh he does sound lovely. He would have fitted in well with my dc with the love of Harry Potter and Star Wars! I am sure little memories will pop up for you in unexpected places and times but put them here safely with us so we can share them with you, even those more difficult ones.

its do hard you have to be at work , I hope they are looking after you ?

I wish the world was a better place for sensitive souls , I worry about my child too and have had a suicude in my family

it hurts like no other death does, very unique
I hope SOBS helps, you need to be around other mums who understand your pain

did he have a middle name ? Was he named after anyone ? If you were to take a journey in his memory where would you go ?

He was so funny! I'm not very good with relationships - kept attracting wrong 'uns, but my boy (He's 31!!) would help me through these - this one time, he ran me a bath and put candles all around it. Put on sex and the city for me and bought me a bottle of wine <3 - lovely lad. Loving and kind in his relationships (in the main - don't get me wrong, he has a less kind side too 😐)

Another time he really made me laugh - and I was laughing about this memory in bed yesterday morning. I was dating this Greek guy for about 8 months, but as it wasn't going anywhere, I ended things. I was lamenting this though anyway, and was pining in the kitchen whilst my boy listened to be drone on... the Greek this, the Greek that... Well. He stopped, held up a plate he was drying and said "ohhh, this plate reminds me of the Greek! The Greeks love to smash plates, don't they...oh, I can't look at a plate again..." !! whilst rolling his eyes and shaking his head 😂😂😂It just made me laugh so much - the sarcasm and the reality check to me.