I can't talk about my son with my daughters...

[Spooky2000]

As it distresses them. I said a song reminded me of him in our group chat the other day and was asked not to mention when things reminded me of him because it was hard for them and to just take a moment and reflect and think of him privately. I'm the opposite; I want to talk about my son ALL THE TIME. No one asks though, and I know why. I get that, but it's making things harder for me.

The past few days I have cried a LOT and been feeling really bereft. The funeral was only two weeks ago, but in some ways it feels like a lifetime ago. I cannot accept either that I will never see my son again. As time passes, I find things are getting harder, not easier. I expected to be told one day that my son had passed because of his MH issues, but I hoped that it wouldn't happen and that I was just over-anxious, but it HAS happened.

I have a picture on my desk from when he was a toddler and the OoS from his funeral and I look at that and can't reconcile that this is my son and that I was there at his funeral. It is incredibly surreal. My life has lost the sheen that it had and now is just a case of plodding on. His things were brought to me and I repacked them into boxes and I found several lovely little things he'd kept as memento's from me - a Xmas card that I'd sent after we fell out in June 2020 that just said I love you son and I'm thinking of you. He's moved 3 times and yet still had that <3. A little dinosaur from Toy Story where he'd bought that for him and a Woody for me when we were at an Aldi. A bag of worry dolls I'd given to him. I really broke my heart when I saw these things and wish he'd reached out to me. I thought he was doing OK and I didn't want to cause any disharmony, so I didn't contact him but he and the girls were much on my mind shortly before he passed, because I was preparing a will having just bought a house (which I now can't move into for a while as one of the chain pulled out).

I just cannot accept that I won't see him again and I get a longing and (I won't do it), but I think a lot about joining hm. I've had to return to work and can't take any more time off sick as I've had loads in the last 6 months for other reasons.

I just want to talk about him here. Share some of my memories of him. Is that OK?

I called it Grief Tourette’s - blurting out that my mum had died in the most inappropriate times and circumstances. It felt like unless I was constantly guarding my tongue, my overwhelming grief would just blurt out when ordering a coffee or cleaning the bathroom.

A loss of a parent is nothing like the loss of a child, obviously, and I have so much sympathy and compassion for you.

But one thing that did help me, in case it’s of use, was having photos up of her laughing, of times that we were having so much fun, so that all the visual prompts were of joy. That helped banish the more traumatic images from my mind, which really helped.

The other thing was writing about it. I kept a private blog, just for me, to pour out everything that was filling my head.

How did your boy make you laugh? What is your favourite funny story from his childhood?

Edited - I Crossposted with you, and I love the story about the Greek ex boyfriend

I totally understand. I lost my stepdad very traumatically in august just shy of 2 years ago now. And i still burst into tears when i think about him. I cant listen to "final curtain/I did it my way" anymore as i just sit there and cry - it was played at the crem at his funeral. I also lost my great nan then less that 2 months later. Though with her we can talk all day every day about her - but she was 102, and ready to go be with my great grandad and her sister and while it hurt like hell, we knew she was ready to leave.

I think the more traumatic losses are the hardest ones - so tell us about your son, and we will listen

"I called it Grief Tourette’s - blurting out that my mum had died in the most inappropriate times and circumstances. It felt like unless I was constantly guarding my tongue, my overwhelming grief would just blurt out when ordering a coffee or cleaning the bathroom." OMG. That's exactly how I feel, and what I do. I keep saying things and I can see that people are uncomfortable and it makes me even sadder. Thanks you for sharing your experiences with me. <3

I am so very sorry for your loss. No one should loose a child.
My parents have been through the same thing and it's horrendous. But you will get through it.
It's important that you speak with someone. Do you have any friends you could talk to? If your other children are struggling and can't deal with that at the moment, is there any one else? There are grief helplines where you can chat if that might help?

Thank you, I'll look at those :)

So, I wrote this list shortly after he passed. I was worried I'd forget as I get older, and there's things I add to it all the time <3

My memories of J in no particular order

Sleeping 12 hours straight from the moment he was born
Lying on me as a toddler and falling asleep
His dinosaur backpack and his favourite cars in it, and particularly Postman Pat, whom he adored.
Looking at him in dungarees and little boots
Taking a photo of himself – he invented the selfie!
Playing on his first plastic trike
Losing his manky tee-tee at nursery ( they binned it and lied to him and me)
Watching the Ghostbusters cartoons
Being ecstatic with a Godzilla that made noises, a Ghostbusters trap and watch and one of those weird robots that cost a fortune and were voice activated.Attention span: about 60 mins over the course of many months.
His Buzz Lightyear toy
His face when I’d bought him a (second hand) PS2. He’d opened the games first and I said oh I'm sorry son, did I not get you the right one, and he said it didn’t matter. The last present at the bottom was this PS2. He was 10. I’ve never forgotten his face when he opened it
Him and his sister putting on a Star Wars show for me
My eldest telling me at a young age that J is ‘hilarious’
How J hated mornings and was a sod to get up, even as a toddler
Going away with a friend to Flamingo Land and spending all the money given to him for spends there on games in town before he’d even got there.
The guilt he felt when a friend at school died after complaining to him of a headache and how he’d said it was nothing and she’d probably feel better later.
Going to the LOTR movies and Harry Potter movies religiously on Boxing Day at the cinema for years.
Taking him to see King Kong and he cried.
The trip to conkers when I put my arm in a tree and pretended something had bit me
Him running me a bath and putting candles around it after a break up I had
Him throwing his head back in laughter when we shared a joke or an observation
How he needed a fan on all night to keep him cool in bed
His sweating head! He would look like he’d dipped his hair in water!
Helping him to bleach his hair blonde in my flat
Talking to him about Quentin Tarantino movies and how we both love them. We watched Kill Bill (underage) together and then I went to the cinema to see Kill Bill 2 and he wanted to hear all about it.
Watching and discussing foreign movies from a young age such as Korean and Russian and discussing what we thought of them afterwards
How he would give quotes from movies for a laugh
How he loved the Star Trek and Star Wars franchise.
How he lay next to our foster dog Bruno before he passed away for the entire night on the living room floor next to him.
His recurring nightmares and he would get into bed with me.
His love for animals – he loved dogs and nicknamed a GSD I was fostering as Tank, owing to his size.
How he made friends easily
When we went to Blackpool on my motorbike and to the fair
When we all went to Florida and the space centre. Years later, he could still tell you about the weirdo in Busch Gardens ‘stomping twice’
Watching the whales and dolphins at Sealife.
All the parties he covered for his sister saying there had been no party.
Standing up to an obnoxious neighbour
Defending his sisters and warning off unsuitable men
How he’d do anything for his friends
His kindness, his empathy and how he had this astute ability to see a situation for what it is.
How clever he is and kind.

OP - I would love to hear more!

Could you tell me your favourite memory from when he was a baby, toddler, child, teenager and adult?

Did he have any quirks? Unique things only he did?

Yes, tell us here what things he liked to do and what are the things that made him laugh.
My daughter and son don't talk about their brother unless I bring him into the conversation.
22 years bereft for us.

@Spooky2000I am glad I didn’t upset or offend, I wanted to offer another viewpoint. I knew nothing of sibling grief til I experienced it, and it’s not something you can really imagine until it happens.

My mum has a friend she found via a forum, I think it was compassionate friends. They lost their sons at a similar time to similar unexpected health issues, and I know they find great comfort speaking to one another because they understand each other so well and can say things to each other that they can’t to anyone else. In case that’s something you might find helpful. My mum isn’t into Facebook and struggles with anxiety so I was really surprised she made a friend online, but they have met in real life and talk most days.

I also had some bereavement peer support from a charity Cardiac Risk in the Young who usually match you to somebody who has lost someone who had the same relationship that you did to the person you lost, if that makes any sense! Although at the time they didn’t have someone who had lost a brother free for a few weeks, so I chose to be matched to a mum who lost a son and it helped me to understand more about where my mum was coming from and how locked in she was with her own grief. I can imagine that even for very tight knit families, talking about shared grief can be hard with different personalities and experiences, you might all find different things more helpful than others.

Sending lots of love x

Oh he sounds wonderful

@Spooky2000 I’m so sorry for your loss, my sister and I want to talk about my brother who passed away 4 years ago but my mum doesn’t want to talk about him.

She says it’s too painful for her, hides his pictures, it’s almost like he didn’t exist.

We respect her wishes but it’s hard. We talk to each other about him and sometimes friends.

You just want to keep his memory alive and are in early stages of your grief.

Sending you hugs xx

@Spooky2000 Your son sounds wonderful and the love you have for him really comes across in your posts. It sounds like you have made lots of lovely memories together.

I'm so sorry for your loss. He sounds like a wonderful young man, kind, sensitive and really interesting. Do go along to SOBS, they've been a huge support for my friend since she lost her husband. Have you reached out to friends? Our friendship group talk often about my friend's husband.

I’m so sorry for your loss, I lost my son last year. I found the compassionate friends helpline really great when I was in a state and couldn’t stop crying. They are all bereaved parents or siblings so understand and they just listen to you. Sometimes I just cried down the phone but it really did help.
I also see a bereavement counsellor weekly, and I go for walks just to get myself out of the house and listen to a podcast. It all seems to help a little.
I know it doesn’t feel like it but the fog will lift. It doesn’t go away but it does get easier to get through each day. Somehow there is a way, somehow you’ll find a way. Be kind to yourself!

Biggest 🤗

he sounds like a gorgeous baby/tiddker/child/man - inside & out. It's so sad he couldn't see that.

How old are your girls?

IMO you don't 'get over it', but you learn to live along side of it.

maybe with a chosen friend(s), you just need to say something like 'I know I get upset, but I miss hearing people saying J's name & talking about him. Despite getting upset I want to talk about him.

Do you talk to him?

I love his response re 'the Greek' I think he'd have been 'just my cup of tea!!'

I love your list (it was a good idea to write it & add to it!!) & your stories.

Don't be tempted to join him, live FOR him, enjoy some of the things he should be enjoying! Watch the films you both lived & remember how much he loved them. It's ok if you cry the whole way through or laugh the whole way through.

Remember to talk to your friends about what you need/want, it's hard for them to know what's best for you! Whether they should talk about him & risk upsetting you or avoid talking about him.

look after yourself, don't forget to eat & keep hydrated, it does help 🥰

Dear Spooky I am so sorry to read your post and cannot imagine the devastation you and your girls are going through. This is obviously early days for you and processing what has happened to your darling son will take time .I send you my love and condolences💙Xx

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I cannot imagine your pain. I think it is worth saying explicitly to your daughters that you need to talk and know they cannot and to tell them that's OK but if it ever changes to say so. The grief tourettes thing is a thing and people's natural inclination to shy away from the subject is understandable because they don't want to upset you. I have always made a point of mentioning that person because seriously, anything I would say couldn't make it any worse because the worst thing has already happened. When my Mum died, it was like she'd vanished, noone wanted to talk about her and she was all I could talk about. I think particularly in the case of the death of someone's child, people really shy away because it is all of our worst nightmare scenarios and even going there for someone else is daunting. Your own children will try to protect you and themselves from that raw stringy crying grief in the early stages. Others have said it, but you do get more used to the feelings, I don't think it gets better, particularly when it is your child, I just think you make space and grow around it. You've been remarkable to even come here and ask for a space to talk about your son. Grief is directly proportional to the love you had and this is huge, the fact you're even here cogently speaking in full sentences and being so self aware is incredible. I wish I had a magic wand that could make this evaporate but you know, death and grief like life itself, is a journey. Please seek help with someone professional to act as a companion and guide whilst you navigate this. Keep on keeping your lists and reminders of your lovely boy and your daughters will be on the same page one day and this will be easier. Sometime in the future, you will all just be able to recall a funny story and laugh and share his memory. It does come, I promise.

Oh @Spooky2000, I'm so sorry for your loss - your son sounds great.

I understand - I want to talk about my Dad, but DH seems to feel awkward when I mention him. I want to talk about everyone I loved who has passed on. They mattered to me, and they always will.

I am so sorry. The love you feel for your son shines out from each of your posts. He sounds like a fine young man. We are honoured that you are sharing these precious memories with us.

For his 16th birthday, I had a cake made that was just a pair of boobs with nipples on 😁To signify his 'coming of age', if you know what I mean... ;) We had pizza from dominoes and his pals stayed for a couple of days and we went to lazerquest and paintball shooting. When he saw the cake he literally fell on the floor laughing and couldn't get up for ages! Then there was a time when someone left a watermark from a glass on some furniture and I read online that putting mayonnaise on it would help... well, he was baffled - and it didn't help. So that became an in-joke - "put some mayo on it, it'll be fine in the morning", with these expressions of 🙄😂

When he was about 18, he discovered Peter Kay and Phoenix Nights for the first time, Little Britain et al - all the really wild stuff that we couldn't get away with these days. I know that these certainly aren't everyone's cup of tea, but he loved them probably because they were so wild. The first time he saw Phoenix Nights he fell on the floor laughing 😂

We went to the MEN arena to watch John Bishop and had a meal whilst we were out. Went on holiday together and we went to a club where I was on his shoulders whilst we danced 😄He was really strong!

He's a gamer and there's so much music he loves and it's so varied - he would play something he liked over and over again. He was 8 when he bought his first CD single - Dancing in the moonlight by Toploader. And "It's like that" by Run DMC, I think it was.

When he was 4, I was driving somewhere and I could feel this rocking in the car... looked behind me and he's going wild in his car seat to Brimful of Asha 😂He was rocking side to side and it was making the car shake!

@ZiggyPlaysGuitarrr , I'm going to go to the next meeting but I know it will be very difficult for me. I think for the first month I was just in shock tbh. I cried but it didn't really register, even at the funeral. I just couldn't believe that this was my boy there and it felt like a huge farce, something made up...that one day, I would reflect on this and realise it was nothing but a false memory, that is wasn't real.

@Daffodillly I am so, so very sorry to hear that you lost your son too. I know that you, I and others have been through this but when it's happening, it feels like you're the only person in the world, if that makes sense? I know that other people have been in this position but it's hard to imagine? I think I will call Compassionate Friends actually, because I have people that I can reach out to, but I find that difficult to do, and of course they seem to not want to raise it with me for fear of upsetting me :( Yesterday and Sunday was awful for some reason; I was crying most of the time.

@AmelieSummer25 Oddly, that was something that I said in my eulogy - that he had an innate goodness, but he just couldn't see it. He couldn't see his own worth, or how he was valued by so many people. My girls are 27 and 35. It feels odd saying that; there's now an 8 year gap between them when I used to recount it as 4 years, because my son was in the middle - he will be forever 31. I do talk to him all the time - in the car, in my flat. I tell him how much I love and miss him. It's a great idea about saying that to my friends. My brother has tried to be supportive, but it has really affected him. My brother and J were similar creatures actually - both sensitive and loving. Both take/took break-ups very badly - they loved fiercely. Both have the same sarky sense of humour and I was always getting my boy and my brothers names mixed up! I know that he would want me to live for him and do things, but honestly, I can't face it. It seems completely pointless and even if I do get to that point, I'm worried that I will be looking at something wishing he was there to see it with me. 💔I describe it as having the shine of life taken away. I bought the house specifically to leave to my kids and secondary to this was the need to have somewhere to live rent free when I was older. So I'd imagined passing away and being able to leave something to my kids to help them get a foothold in life.

@Bigwelshlamb - yes, that's a good idea to say to my daughters - thank you. I think one is actively avoiding me atm, because she's worried I'll bring this up - but that's a perfect way of phrasing it and keeping the door open. We still have his inquest to go to and then next year we're supposed to be going to Poland to spread his ashes - but I really don't want to do that, because how can I touch something then that's physical? My youngest did save some locks of his hair though and we will have those and we've talked about saving some of his ashes for a tree or something to remember his with. She says we should go because it was somewhere that he loved.

Thank you so much to everyone who has posted and shared their own losses ❤I think that we should have an in memorial thread perhaps, to share our memories for things?

How lovely to hear about your boy, thank you so much for sharing.

He sounds like he was a really lovely guy battling with a truly terrible illness.

I think, in time, your girls will feel more comfortable talking about their brother. My husband lost his brother, suddenly, some years ago and even I couldn’t say the d word for a long time afterwards. I had to use euphemisms 🙄

Im so very sorry for your loss, please keep sharing stories of him, if it helps.

@Spooky2000 The more you post, the more amazing your son sounds.
I also think you sound like a great mum, it sounds like you injected a lot of fun into your son’s life.
It seems like you packed a lot in during the time you had together.

💐

Oh this is so sad and I’m so sorry for your loss even though I know there are no words that could ever comfort you.

I lost my 22 year old son in an accident in 2022 and I also have a daughter who was 12 at the time and they were very close and my first concern was for how I was going to get her through it and thankfully we have both come out the other side of it but that’s not to say it was instant and I had to tread carefully as it wasn’t just me that lost him.

3 years on and she is 15 now and we can sit and talk about him for hours and it always ends up with us both laughing hysterically at the stories and memories we have of him.

Please be kind to yourself xx

@Spooky2000 your son sounds like a wonderful person, and your loving bond is clear from your words.

thank you for sharing these lovely memories with us.

I can’t imagine your grief , and I’m so so sorry for your loss.

your son lives on in your memories, in the love you hold for him in your heart, and in the precious bond that you share with him.

it is so soon and you are still so deep in grief and loss. Please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve him however feels right for you. We are all here to listen to you sharing these special things about him and the memories that pop in to your head.

he sounds like a truly special person xxx

Your son sounds wonderful. I’m truly sorry for you loss