Sudden death of parent

[user1492122750]

My poor old dad was found very recently deceased today. We did everything we could but he was already gone.

I know it’s to be expected, I really do but I feel like I’ll never sleep again. And I need to be safe to drive home tomorrow and let my children know in person. 😭

My brain just keeps whirring.

I’m so very sorry for your profound loss, the shock, disbelief and pain is crippling xx I hope you can close your eyes and rest a little before your difficult journey tomorrow and find solace and comfort with your family . Sending strength and compassion❤️ xxx

So sorry for your loss 🙏 it's never easy losing a parent, I remember when my dad passed away 6 yrs ago, I left the hospital in the night and had to drive home, I don't know how I reached home as my head was all over the place...I remember I got back and sat like a zombie on the sofa all alone as everyone else was sleeping. Even if you can't sleep tonight just lie down and rest, take a painkiller for the headache and stay hydrated. Sending you lots of love and prayers 🙏

Thank you @Londog, it feels very lonely at this hour, in a bed that isn’t my own.

I’m so sorry OP. I went through almost exactly the same a few years ago. The first night was horrifying, i just drifted in and out. The first month was a blur. I still feel shock whenever I remember he’s gone. It’s still not real.

And echo pp about keeping hydrated. I was thirsty all the time in the weeks after.

So sorry for your loss. Such a shock. My DM died unexpectedly 3 weeks ago. Its so surreal and takes a while to take in. The first few days I kept thinking, where is she? I couldnt grasp it.

Be kind to yourself and look after yourself. Hope you have some good support.

I am so sorry for your loss. Sudden death absolutely sucks. Its such a shock and it takes ages to get your head round what has happened and even longer to actually come to terms with it.

I lost my Mum suddenly 2 years ago. She wasn't even that old and was in good health (or so we thought) and I still remember getting THAT phone call. Your whole world flips upside down and I just remember feeling so sick that I couldn't eat for weeks. Then last month the same happened with my Dad. He went to bed one night and didn't wake up again. I sometimes can't believe that they are both gone.

Try to make sure you eat and drink, even if its the last thing you feel like doing. And cry as much as you want to. Don't hold it in. Don't be afraid to show your children your true emotions. It is okay for you to feel sad/devastated etc....

Lastly, one minute at a time, one hour, one day. Just baby steps and just get through each day the best you can.

I hope you have lots of support. 🌹

You have my profound sympathy.

I am now going through the same, my dad died suddenly today whilst on holiday in the Canary Islands. It does not seem real although it very much is and my mum is in bits. The insurance company will repatriate his body to the U.K. when the necessary formalities have been completed. We’ve arranged an earlier return flight for mum.

I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through the same @AttilaTheMeerkat. I hope the process goes as smoothly as it can do and that you are supported by those around you at this difficult time. X

Thank you both @Channellingsophistication& @nessiesnotreal I’m finding it comforting to hear others experiences, albeit of course, wish you hadn’t had to go through them.

How are you doing today? Did you tell your children?

@AttilaTheMeerkat how shocking i'm so sorry to read this. Hope you have some support and thinking of you. Ive seen so many of your posts over time offering support to others. Hope you can find same here.

Thank you so much Channelingsophistication. I do have support from both family and friends around me so am fortunate there. Did not think I’d be reading and posting in this particular part of mumsnet yesterday morning but life’s full of surprises.

My dad was in his early 90s and he was on holiday enjoying the beach and sunshine. The initial shock has subsided for now anyway. He loved watching American football and volunteered for his local hospice.

I am managing thank you @nessiesnotreal , having the odd wobble. I’ve been dealing with the practicalities of organising death certificates etc.

My son took it better than I expected, and our other child is too young to understand. How are you?

I’m so sorry for your loss @AttilaTheMeerkat, how wonderful though that he was still so active at such a great age.

I'm so sorry Take care of yourself.

Sending a hand hold .....

There is so much to do isn't there? In some ways it is good to have a focus and to have something to take your mind off your grief. I am glad your son took it better than you thought ❤Its strange because I found doing all the practical stuff kept me busy but then I would suddenly remember and have a massive wobble.

I am okay thank you. We have the internment of my Dads ashes next week. He wanted to be scattered over my Mums casket so that they are back together again. Next week we get to carry out his final wishes.

I feel like I'm currently living in some parallel universe and can certainly relate to how nessiesnotreal is feeling.

My dad's funeral service won't be held for some weeks due to processes associated with dying overseas, not least of all the repatriation flight back to the UK accompanied by both his passport and death certificate. My mum was contacted by the UK consulate so she has had face to face support with a no nonsense lady who knows her stuff. God bless her.

I am certainly glad that their insurers will pay for his repatriation flight back to the UK which should hopefully happen within the next week or two after due process. There is not much else we can do for the time being as processes are underway but there will be more paperwork and phone calls to make soon enough.

AFAIK my dad will be cremated and his ashes placed in the garden of remembrance where his mother is interred.

My best wishes to each and every one of you. I never imagined I'd be writing in this part of MN yesterday morning....

I am so sorry about your Dad. Sudden death is awful, brutal and traumatising. It took me a long time to properly process the deaths of both my parents. It feels surreal. Like you know they are dead but your brain can't quite process it.

How is your Mum doing? I always think its so very hard on the parent left behind. When my Mum died suddenly my Dad was in bits and its so hard to see them so devastated. Now they are reunited at least 💔

She is very much up and down but she has had some good support around her in the form of the staff at the apartment complex and the lady from the UK consulate. Today is going to be hard for her because she will need to fly home on her own. Mr M and I will see her later if she wants company.

I am reminded of this poem by Housman:
That is the land of lost content
I see it shining plain
The happy highways where I went
And cannot come again

Its good that she has some good support around her. That will make a world of difference. I imagine the flight home will feel strange and sad for her. She flew out with him and is flying back alone. It may well be that the reality of his death doesn't hit her properly until she steps back inside the home they shared and she see's 'his things'. For my Dad, things like Mums spot on the sofa, her slippers where she left them, her make up station, the book that she hadn't finished reading were all triggers.

My Dad very much wanted company in those early few days and weeks and my Brother and I took it in turns to stay the night with him. But then he suddenly just wanted to be alone. So you may need to be flexible in trying to accommodate your needs and what your Mum will need right now. Its hard because they are grieving but you are grieving too, as well as trying to do right by and look after your own children.

I hope it all goes smoothly for you.

You are all in my thoughts. xxx

I'm so sorry, it is such a huge loss and a completely overwhelming bereavement.

My mum died unexpectedly, 6 months ago. I thought it might be helpful to share how I am feeling now, with some light at the end of the tunnel.

I have noticed my grief feels less raw. I am starting to be able to look positively at mum's life, rather than just anger and resentment at her loss.

The 'firsts' are harrowing and I've allowed myself to do whatever I've needed to get through. I've been selfish in a way which is very unlike me but it felt right.

Luckily my family understand and we respect each other's individual grief. I've realised that's really important. My sister and I are grieving quite differently which was strange at first.

The flashbacks and terrible feelings about the night of her heart attack and subsequent death do still come but I can ride through them.

I'm much more gentle with myself at times, I give myself a hug and acknowledge that I'm a child whose lost her mum, even though I'm in my 50s. That's a bit embarrassing to say and it's done in private but it really helps.

I see my grief like the sea and the tide, it ebbs and flows. You sort of bob along, going under at times and fighting to the surface and at other times float and feel a calmness.

It starts to get better, I wasn't sure it ever would in those first weeks 💐

Thanks for sharing @Thornrose I’m so sorry to hear about your loss.

How are you doing @AttilaTheMeerkat?

Thank you for asking after me. Am ok sometimes then grief hits suddenly and then subsides. It’s more like a series of smaller waves now than the rogue wave that hit me when I was told. There’s still a lot of organisations to inform but we can’t do much else until the body is repatriated along with the death certificate. This could take upwards of a week. My mother got home safely a day or so ago.

How’s things with you user?. Hope you are doing ok and again thanks for asking after me. Will be on this part of the site for some while to come.

I’m one day ahead of you. I just can’t deal with the shock of it all.