Skipping the crem

[Forestmumlondon]

Some advice needed please. My dad is suggesting we do church service and then straight to the wake. We are planning cremation but he doesn't want anyone actually going there because he says we're doing the service at the church and doesn't want to complicate things.

I know hardly anything about funerals. But I feel like it would be good for close family to go to the crem and then meet everyone later at the wake?

Am I crazy for digging my heals in about this? He can be quite manipulative and so far has tried, gaslighting - making me feel silly for thinking it's a big deal, guilt - apparently I'm going to ruin the day if I go on my own the crem (because he absolutely does not want to go), as well as trying to twist it many different ways.

I just can not imagine sending my mum off on her own to the crem while we all head off to a party?

We don't have the death certificate yet and he says we shouldn't arrange appointment at funeral directors until we do. I feel like it would be good to see a FD asap just to talk through options, but should we wait for the certificate?

Not necessarily.

You can book an attended direct cremation with some funeral directors where you wait for the hearse, follow the coffin in, have one piece of music, spend a few minutes with the deceased and then leave. Then they are committed.

Some companies have directs at the beginning and end of the day to enable attendees.

OP, sorry for your loss. In our family we have often done crematorium first for closer family/ those who wish to attend. This has been a short committal, followed by the church service afterwards, done as a memorial service, I wonder whether this might work for you?

He wants the coffin at the church. We've decided to do Commital the next day. Which the FD is ok with, but costs wise it's essentially paying for 2 funerals... Slightly cheaper if we do it at 9am and 20 mins service.

It's just bringing up years and years of me being dismissed and him thinking he knows everything, wants everything his way, prioritising his friends over family (he doesn't want to do the commital on the day because it'll take him away from chatting to other people - which I get to a certain extent, but is kind of missing the main point of what the day is about)

We did a church service and wake for my mum, then the next day we had the crem with immediate family only. It was intimate and a nice final goodbye. Maybe thats a compromise?

I’m sorry for your loss

i I would ask your dad why he is so against you going to the crematorium? Explain everyone will grieve differently and your feelings as her daughter need to be taken into account. You might need this for closure

if for example he is against you going as others might think it’s then odd he is not going

eell actually it isn’t important and he can tell anyone you wanted to make her last journey as a mother and daughter lady farewell

im guessing any reason he has a solution could be found to appease you both

I’ve been to a funeral like this recently (albeit it was a burial not cremation) which the family attended, then the service in the church, and as a member of the congregation it was absolutely fine and no less a celebration of the person’s life without the coffin in the church, if that helps?

I'm sorry for your loss.

We did this sort of service for both my grandparents. There was a church service, and near the end of the service the coffin was taken to the church porch and both the inner and outer porch doors were closed. The mourners left by a different door and went straight to the wake. After all the mourners had left the church the undertakers took the body to the crematorium. No one but the deceased and the undertakers went to the crematorium. It all went smoothly and respectfully, and although different to a normal funeral still seemed appropriate.

DM had previously attended a similar funeral. The reason that we chose this option was that when my DGM died, my DGF was very elderly, frail and had mobility problems. He lived very close to the church and the wake venue, but would have struggled badly with a journey to the crematorium and a service there. When DGF died we held the same sort of service as it seemed appropriate to as they did so much together.

I hope this helps.

That's really hard essentially doing the crem the next day.
Normally you get to the food bit having done the hard bit, at the crem. And everyone chills because the committal is done and it's time to pick up the pieces and move forward with life.

Will you have friends who will be able to go with you to the crem? Go for a drink afterwards because to me that's when the 'real' funeral actually is.

For my 3 grandparents and both my parents we did not go to the crematorium. They all had lovely church services where the minister did the final blessing and then the congregation followed the coffin out of the church and we waved the hearse off as it went to the crem. All my family felt it was a lovely goodbye and everything had been said in the church that needed to be said. To me it was so much more personal than the last 2 funerals I attended at the chapels at the crematorium.

Surely it also depends on proximity of the church, crematorium and wake? If all pretty close, then not really a problem, but if, say, the crem is half an hour away, it's going to be 90 minutes between the "nearest and dearest" popping off from the church, to them getting back to the wake, by which time many of the other mourners will have got bored and gone, or eaten the food and gone, etc. I think it only works if the crem is, say, between the church and the wake, so everyone is heading in that direction, but only the nearest and dearest "stop off" on the way so will get to the wake pretty quickly after everyone else.