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Original poster

Skipping the crem

85 replies

Forestmumlondon · 15/03/2025 22:05

Some advice needed please. My dad is suggesting we do church service and then straight to the wake. We are planning cremation but he doesn't want anyone actually going there because he says we're doing the service at the church and doesn't want to complicate things.

I know hardly anything about funerals. But I feel like it would be good for close family to go to the crem and then meet everyone later at the wake?

Am I crazy for digging my heals in about this? He can be quite manipulative and so far has tried, gaslighting - making me feel silly for thinking it's a big deal, guilt - apparently I'm going to ruin the day if I go on my own the crem (because he absolutely does not want to go), as well as trying to twist it many different ways.

I just can not imagine sending my mum off on her own to the crem while we all head off to a party?

We don't have the death certificate yet and he says we shouldn't arrange appointment at funeral directors until we do. I feel like it would be good to see a FD asap just to talk through options, but should we wait for the certificate?

OP posts:
KIlliePieMyOhMy · 15/03/2025 22:06

who has died?

CaptainFuture · 15/03/2025 22:08

Your dad doesn't want you to attend your mums service at the crematorium?

Original poster
Forestmumlondon · 15/03/2025 22:11

My mum. Yes he just wants to do the church service and then straight to the wake... He doesn't want a crem service at all.

OP posts:
Redglitter · 15/03/2025 22:11

Going to the crem after a service isn't complicating things it's the normal way things are done if a church service is part of the funeral.

People will absolutely be expecting to go to the crem. What's going to happen if people skip the church and only go to the crem, another common situation

Let him do what he wants but you do what's right for you - and your Mum

EdithStourton · 15/03/2025 22:11

It's hardly unusual for the immediate family to go to the crem after a church service and join everyone else for the wake.

Have a word with the funeral director if you want reassurance that going to the crem is normal.

Personally, I would 100% want to see my mum off properly.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 15/03/2025 22:14

We just went to the crematorium for the committal. It was very quick. The church was the main part that they had wanted.

WearyAuldWumman · 15/03/2025 22:14

You can see the FD to talk about options if you like, but nothing can be arranged until you have the death certificate.

The kind of situation that your dad is talking about would normally only happen with a direct cremation.

When I was younger, the norm was church service, crem, meal for those who had attended.

By the time my dad died, the undertaker was adamant that the norm was to hold the service at the crem only. That's what I had organised for Dad, Mum and my husband. For Dad and for Mum, there was a meal afterwards. Nothing for DH because we were still in lockdown.

CrispEater2000 · 15/03/2025 22:14

Long time ago now but my grandad had a church service, followed by the crematorium, followed by the wake.

Most people came in cars anyway so it was no trouble for them.

You could always include on the order of service that the crematorium is optional/close family only and people are free to head straight to the wake.

Ddakji · 15/03/2025 22:15

The crem bit at my mum’s funeral was pretty rubbish for various reasons (we’d had a church service). But I have no idea how I would have felt if I hadn’t gone, nor if everyone else would have found it weird not to.

Original poster
Forestmumlondon · 15/03/2025 22:16

He said to me you won't actually see the coffin being cremated, it will go round the back etc,.so what's the point. But still I'd like to accompany it on the journey there... He is being very clear that he doesn't want any kind of service there.

He did a lot of caring for her, so at first I said whatever you want you can choose, but I feel quite strongly about it and am sick of him being so controlling!?

It happened less than a week ago (and was sudden) so my head is a bit all over the place. Hence the need for check I'm not going mad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Forestmumlondon · 15/03/2025 22:17

Ddakji · 15/03/2025 22:15

The crem bit at my mum’s funeral was pretty rubbish for various reasons (we’d had a church service). But I have no idea how I would have felt if I hadn’t gone, nor if everyone else would have found it weird not to.

Yeh I think that's what he's saying, the crem is not a great place, he just doesn't like them.

OP posts:
bozzabollix · 15/03/2025 22:18

My uncle was sent on his own to the crem. Thought at the time I wouldn’t want that for my parents, it’s their final journey and I’d want to be there. Do what you think is right, otherwise it won’t sit well with you.

Ddakji · 15/03/2025 22:19

It’s hard when everyone isn’t in the same page. I think it would be wrong to force your dad to go to the crem when he so strongly doesn’t want to, and wrong for him to force you not to.

Is there anyone who can go with him to the wake while you and whoever else wants to can go to the crem? It can be very quick there, in and out in 10 minutes.

nabanna · 15/03/2025 22:19

I've only been to one where there was a cremation and a church service.
in that case there was a small service at the crematorium (<20 people) followed by a larger church service (50-60 people). We then went on to the wake .
that way it meant that everyone was at the wake at the same time and I thought worked well

Original poster
Forestmumlondon · 15/03/2025 22:20

We will deffo do church for the main service as my mum was religious.

He is against anyone going to the crem (including me). He wants to send her off on her own and not even pick up the ashes.

He said I'd ruin the day if I go off after the church to the crem.

TBF we are both in shock and tired, but I think he's being unreasonable?

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 15/03/2025 22:20

Forestmumlondon · 15/03/2025 22:16

He said to me you won't actually see the coffin being cremated, it will go round the back etc,.so what's the point. But still I'd like to accompany it on the journey there... He is being very clear that he doesn't want any kind of service there.

He did a lot of caring for her, so at first I said whatever you want you can choose, but I feel quite strongly about it and am sick of him being so controlling!?

It happened less than a week ago (and was sudden) so my head is a bit all over the place. Hence the need for check I'm not going mad.

Your dad is right in that the cremation doesn't happen straight away, but I wanted to be there for my family members.

Maybe cost is an issue? If your dad's only intending to have a service at the church and a direct cremation it might work out cheaper. (I don't know for certain.)

I know that if you have a cremation service at a time of your choosing, it's more expensive than letting the crematorium pick the slot. If you have a direct cremation with no family in attendance, it's cheaper still.

Original poster
Forestmumlondon · 15/03/2025 22:21

nabanna · 15/03/2025 22:19

I've only been to one where there was a cremation and a church service.
in that case there was a small service at the crematorium (<20 people) followed by a larger church service (50-60 people). We then went on to the wake .
that way it meant that everyone was at the wake at the same time and I thought worked well

That's an interesting idea, crem first. But then there was no coffin at the church service?

OP posts:
JohnLapsleyParlabane · 15/03/2025 22:22

We had a direct cremation for my mum. When they took her from the FD, they knew I was going to be driving behind them and then I just parked up while they took her in. I think you should probably talk it through with the undertaker. We were able to begin planning with just the hospital form, not the full death certificate.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 15/03/2025 22:22

I’ve recently attended a funeral where the cremation was the day before the church service and only close family, and then the “funeral” service itself was a church service of thanksgiving

ThatsNotMyTeen · 15/03/2025 22:22

Oh and how rude of me: so sorry for your loss xx

Sminty2 · 15/03/2025 22:22

He might be so distressed, deep down, that he doesn’t want to see the final part of the service, the cremation. Perhaps suggest to him that if he can’t face it, he can go straight to the wake and you go to the cremation first. I found it the hardest part of the funeral, so I can understand if he’s trying to avoid it, without articulating what is bothering him. I did go and I am glad now but I was very nervous about it.

Original poster
Forestmumlondon · 15/03/2025 22:22

WearyAuldWumman · 15/03/2025 22:20

Your dad is right in that the cremation doesn't happen straight away, but I wanted to be there for my family members.

Maybe cost is an issue? If your dad's only intending to have a service at the church and a direct cremation it might work out cheaper. (I don't know for certain.)

I know that if you have a cremation service at a time of your choosing, it's more expensive than letting the crematorium pick the slot. If you have a direct cremation with no family in attendance, it's cheaper still.

Show quote history

Categorically not a cost thing.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 15/03/2025 22:23

Forestmumlondon · 15/03/2025 22:20

We will deffo do church for the main service as my mum was religious.

He is against anyone going to the crem (including me). He wants to send her off on her own and not even pick up the ashes.

He said I'd ruin the day if I go off after the church to the crem.

TBF we are both in shock and tired, but I think he's being unreasonable?

I admit that I didn't pick up my husband's ashes. I didn't want to think of him that way. Maybe your dad's thinking is the same. I told the crem just to scatter him in the Garden of Remembrance - same for Mum and Dad: it's what happened with my grandparents.

Other family members agreed, but I had someone turning up at my doorstep aiming to change my mind after the funeral had taken place and I had nightmares about it.

Original poster
Forestmumlondon · 15/03/2025 22:25

JohnLapsleyParlabane · 15/03/2025 22:22

We had a direct cremation for my mum. When they took her from the FD, they knew I was going to be driving behind them and then I just parked up while they took her in. I think you should probably talk it through with the undertaker. We were able to begin planning with just the hospital form, not the full death certificate.

Yeh I said to him even if it just drive behind and see her in the door... I'll feel like I've dropped her off at least...

OP posts:
Redglitter · 15/03/2025 22:25

nabanna · 15/03/2025 22:19

I've only been to one where there was a cremation and a church service.
in that case there was a small service at the crematorium (<20 people) followed by a larger church service (50-60 people). We then went on to the wake .
that way it meant that everyone was at the wake at the same time and I thought worked well

I went to one funeral like that and everyone, including the family, agreed it felt very disjointed. It was very odd having no coffin in the church.