Some people can’t handle seeing the commital. I guess that’s him. He just wants the service and then the meet-up. Don’t try to persuade him otherwise.
BUT, you also need to gently point out that you had your own relationship with your mum, you are not an extension of his thoughts and feelings, and your thoughts and feelings around how you process your mums death are equally valid and important, and unique to you. Hold your ground, be gently insistent.
talk to the FD and arrange to attend the cremation. What you “have” at crem is going to dependant on what you want, in terms of religious commital or no ceremony at all. FD can tlak about options- they’ve seen it all before and usually really helpful at suggesting options.
to a certain extent I’d try to respect Dads wishes by saying it is private commital at crem, and then either go on your own or with others very close to your mum like siblings, aunts/uncle or a close best friend of your mums, or a friend of yours that had known your mum well. Keep it short, simple and small. BUT if you don’t stick to your guns here you’ll regret it. I know that from my dad taking lead and not listening to anyone else’s needs for mums funeral- he started dating a new partner just 6 weeks later.
when dad died last year, his partner (in fairness of 20 years by then) didn’t want a church service despite dad being Christian. We bent over backwards trying to reach compromise with her and each other, we all had different needs to begin to process our loss. We had a very private Cof E commital at crem chapel with just us siblings and dads partner. Non of us wanted to see dad’s body whisked away behind the curtain, so we left the chapel with his coffin sitting there. It actually was very peaceful, simple. Ven his partner, who didn’t think she could face seeing the coffin, was glad she had managed it, and whilst obviously upset, felt it was something dad would have wanted, and fitted his faith.
we then, at his partners wishes, had a “celebration of life” around a week later with friends and extended family as a formal sit down lunch. I had my doubts re formality of it all….But it actually was probably the best lunch and “do” he never went to…we all felt it was a shame he missed it! We put on a display of his stuff, photos, music he liked, and it was very much a celebration.
by compromising, binning rules and listening to each other, it met everyone’s needs and we all felt we’d had chance to remember dad in our different ways, and do our own thing.
with elderly parents dying, that’s so important. A lot of people say spouses views must be prioritised. But the adult children are also grieving and all too often have to fall in with surviving parent, with unhappy results. By the time we loose elderly parents, we are often older ourselves, with fully formed adult relationships with our parents.
I think with male spouses particualrly, they aren’t always good at involving others and taking others needs into account. Let’s face it, Men like my dad very often find new partners quite fast, but as daughters (if we had close mum and daughter bond) we never replace our mum and sometimes the loss actually is felt more as time passes. Not all men. But the stats add up that men generally move on much faster than women, to a new intimate relationship. Some dads are pretty blind to their own daughter’s grief and the special mum and daughther relationship that might exist, that they can’t get their head around.