Mother in Law guilt tripping me and husband

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my FIL passed away suddenly 4 months ago. Husband not massively close with him mum maybe they would catch up once a month or so by text. Obviously when FIL passed we have helped her more, she would come for dinner pretty much everyday, stay in our house night after night and became very dependable on us. We have two kids as well, who like us, put our whole life on hold and supporting her through the 1st Xmas NY alone etc. she spends all day just sitting in our house and gets funny if I go off to do something (put washing away/have a bath/early night) and it was getting a bit much. we discussed with her that we don’t just sit around in the day/evening watched The Chase. Husband and I both have very demanding full time jobs which require our focus to do well in. This week, she asked if she could come over Sunday and husband said no, he needs some time etc/housework to do. Anyway, because of this she has absolutely lost it and phoned her sister saying we’ve cut her off and twisting things and telling half a story. She then turned up unannounced and was crying and trying to get my husband to let her in and pulling at his heart strings saying my husband died how do you think I feel. When we call her out on her behaviour she blames it on anxiety (not grief) my point is, husband and I have said we need to carry on living our lives, spending time with our kids and eachother and be free to do what we like without the fear of arguments when we say no to one small thing. The help we have given her has been above and beyond and it seems to have become expected and no real thanks given, it’s expected that I come in from work and cook a huge meal for her when she’s been sat down all day. Husband shut the door in her face last night because he just can’t cope with her mind games and is overwhelmed with it all,(our youngest son overheard her going at husband and spent all evening shaking and crying as he was so scared), he’s also lost his FIL too and sadly saw him pass away in a very traumatic way. Guess I’m looking for a way to support her but also we need boundaries and some respect for our own lives, we’re the only ones who live near but even her sister who she is close with has said she will stomp her feet until she gets her own way and I feel like she’s manipulating my husband to get what she wants.

Just to give you an idea - my mother was 60 when my father passed away (so quite similar to your MiL). However, she never once inserted herself in the lives of her children. She never once expected that her children would feed her, entertain her, do everything that you and your DH are doing for his mother.

My honest advice would be to withdraw from her and look after your DH here. It is not your job nor is it your DH's job to fill the chasm that her husband has left in her life. She has to find a way to do that.

You guys have to set out what you plan to do. She is very young, if this isn't sorted you could have 30 years of this.
For me it would be something like she comes for lunch every other Sunday with the alternative one at her sisters if sis agrees. And DH visits her for an hour after work every Tuesday. Whatever your decision get the dates in her diary, so she has something to look forward to and if she asks for more, you breezily say it's all you can manage.

Oh I hear you and have worn the same t-shirt. Don’t feel guilty about closing the door as instinct for self-preservation kicked in. Stand firm with your boundaries.

Thank you for your advice that's really helpful

Thanks, I think we need to

Thank you, yes that's true we do need to set some dates so we have boundaries

Sorry missed the bit where you said she's only 61yo (young!) and the help she's already receiving. She's gone rogue and your DH needs to put his foot down asap and ignore his flying monkey aunt!
I do hope she doesn't have your front door key!

Luckily she does not have a door key!! Thank you for your advice it's much appreciated

I know she’s grieving but she honestly sounds like she’s got a personality disorder and her husband met all her needs previously. The fact she didn’t even bother with you all and didn’t acknowledge grandchildren’s birthdays and now expects this level of care and support is shocking, it’s shocking even from involved loving grandparents and parents. You’re both so in tune with her you’re probably not even realising how bizarre and unhealthy her behaviour and expectations are. My sister has EUPD and is the exact same as your mil, everything is about her, she’s selfish and very unlikely to change so you need to put strict boundaries in order to you’ll become ill which I have many times due to my sisters behaviour. She was fine when she had a partner and all was good in her life we never seen her but when she’s in trouble expects constant attention and favours and drains you emotionally. Seriously put yourselves first for your children x

You and your husband sound lovely OP. With some people whatever you do it is never enough. 61 is not old and she is young enough to help herself here more and not behave like a spoiled ungrateful toddler having a melt down if she doesn’t get her own way.

Decide what you are prepared to do to support her without compromising yours and your families life and stick to it. Be that Sunday lunch at yours once a fortnight and a visit to hers for an hour one night in the week or whatever.

Also encourage her to seek support from her GP in the first instance, suggest she maybe join a couple of groups that she maybe interested in knitting, sewing, keep fit, swimming, neighbour hood watch, yoga, volunteering etc etc. She could go on a short trip away on her own or with work friends, other friends or family. Although acknowledge you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. Don’t be guilt tripped by this women any longer the way you are going you are all treading on egg shells and all of your lives are in limbo, this is helping no one.

I know everyone is diffrent and deals with grief in diffrent ways. I agree everyone needs a bit of support after a death but this kind of support that your giving will make mil dependent on you and will not help anyone. This is going to sound very harsh but she survived life before alone and I'm sure she didn't do what your doing for her own parents. Where does it end? Does it come to a point where she's moved in you and your husbands relationship deteriorates because you don't get time together. Harsh I know but reality is you need to not feel guilty and enjoy your family. Unfortunately life carrys on. My dad has been given 6-12 months life won't stop when he goes as much as we wish it would it doesn't I love him very much but my role is to be there for my family for years to come after. Just keep going your doing the right thing x

We've had similar with my MiL. Set your boundaries, guilt free and try to get her in touch with local groups that can help her find new friends. At least your DH is standing up to her, fantastic start. Those who know her well, will understand.
What did she think she would do in this eventuality? I fear she's like my MiL and will be awkward and refuse outsiders to try to manipulate you to her will.
My FiL passed away soon after a stage 4 cancer diagnosis in 2020. When FiL became ill MiL suddenly became helpless too. Over many years she alienated herself from her friends and neighbours, who all rallied round after FiL passed, making a rota of evening meals, but she was rude and demanding. She's a true wolf in sheeps clothing, claims to be frail and dying for last 25yrs but is 95 and still going strong. She's very demanding of my DH guilt tripping him because she's lonely and he's obliging through guilt which has caused big issues.
Good luck

Easy to be judgemental when you haven’t been in this situation 🙄

OP my mum did this to me and it’s been nothing short of a nightmare. I’ve had to put in very firm boundaries and try and ignore the guilt tripping but it’s incredibly hard and you have my every sympathy 😢

Agree with @Harry12345 on the EUPD. Her behaviours sound similar to my MIL who can also be vindictive and has driven a lot of friends / family away. FIL keeps her relatively emotionally stable ie. Enabling her.

Although your MIL is very recently widowed no stable adult would behave this way towards you. You’ve showed great patience and empathy.

Years ago my GP told me and my DH we needed to sit down with MIL and hammer out the issues - set boundaries and not leave until we had agreement. Sounds simple but was totally impossible. I ended up having therapy myself to help navigate boundaries- if you or DH have private medical via work you may be able to access.

OP I really feel you here especially your OH as he is also grieving his father and trying to to keep everyone happy it's bloody impossible. My own dad died 4 years ago suddenly (55 yrs old same age as my mum at the time) and with me being the only child I felt responsible for her whilst tying not to drown in my own grief plus looking after my own 2 children were 5&3 at the time so was bloody hard. She stayed with us for 6 weeks which at the time was fine but slowly we started nipping at each other, truth was, she had her way of living and we had ours and just started to clash because it wasn't normal for us to be living together thus creating this horrible atmosphere and actually a bit of resentment (on my part at least) which is not how you want things to be but it's so hard all round. Unlike your MIL though, she did say I think it's time for me to go home, which she did and gradually got to some normality and I think it helped her returning to work too. Thing is, you and your husband aren't responsible for her happiness and you have supported her as much as u can but unfortunately u do need to start putting boundaries in as it's becomes her 'norm' which isn't healthy for anyone. I really do sympathise, people won't really understand unless they've been in this situation.

Thank you for sharing your own story and your kind empathy

Thank you, will look into the therapy, great advice

Thank you, will be hard to enforce the boundaries but I know we need to. We haven't seen her for a few days as she's staying with her other son and we took the kids out bowling and for lunch and it's been great fun, really missed being able to do our own thing.

Thank you for your reply and sharing your own experience, makes me see it a little clearer and I know what I need to do now

Very sorry to hear about your Dad and thank you for your kind message

Thank you for your reply and kind words

Thank you for your reply, it sounds like she might just have that too!

My mother was like this and my father sounds exactly like your FIL. She was about the same age. Fell out with her sister (told her she hoped she’d know what it was like soon enough to be a widow), screamed down the phone at me that I was shit as a daughter.

I lived in another country, three hours flight away, had just had a baby, and was flying back every other weekend to be with her, as well as trying to hold down a job. DH said something had to give, so I started going back once a month (this triggers the “shit as a daughter” screaming, and then less often.

She was, as a friend said, determined to be miserable. She refused all counselling, and didn’t speak to her brother or sister for over a year. She also fell out with all of her friends, except one, whom she used as her punchbag. Her friend said, I have to keep trying, if she doesn’t see me, she doesn’t see anyone.

You do need to put in boundaries (she won’t like it!), you have your own life to live. It took my Mum about 15 years (sorry!) before she moved on, acknowledged her new status and made new friends.

Wow, sounds like you were doing everything and more and then as your dh said something had to give- which is the stage we're at now. Thank you for sharing your experience it's helped so much seeing people's similar stories