Mother in Law guilt tripping me and husband

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my FIL passed away suddenly 4 months ago. Husband not massively close with him mum maybe they would catch up once a month or so by text. Obviously when FIL passed we have helped her more, she would come for dinner pretty much everyday, stay in our house night after night and became very dependable on us. We have two kids as well, who like us, put our whole life on hold and supporting her through the 1st Xmas NY alone etc. she spends all day just sitting in our house and gets funny if I go off to do something (put washing away/have a bath/early night) and it was getting a bit much. we discussed with her that we don’t just sit around in the day/evening watched The Chase. Husband and I both have very demanding full time jobs which require our focus to do well in. This week, she asked if she could come over Sunday and husband said no, he needs some time etc/housework to do. Anyway, because of this she has absolutely lost it and phoned her sister saying we’ve cut her off and twisting things and telling half a story. She then turned up unannounced and was crying and trying to get my husband to let her in and pulling at his heart strings saying my husband died how do you think I feel. When we call her out on her behaviour she blames it on anxiety (not grief) my point is, husband and I have said we need to carry on living our lives, spending time with our kids and eachother and be free to do what we like without the fear of arguments when we say no to one small thing. The help we have given her has been above and beyond and it seems to have become expected and no real thanks given, it’s expected that I come in from work and cook a huge meal for her when she’s been sat down all day. Husband shut the door in her face last night because he just can’t cope with her mind games and is overwhelmed with it all,(our youngest son overheard her going at husband and spent all evening shaking and crying as he was so scared), he’s also lost his FIL too and sadly saw him pass away in a very traumatic way. Guess I’m looking for a way to support her but also we need boundaries and some respect for our own lives, we’re the only ones who live near but even her sister who she is close with has said she will stomp her feet until she gets her own way and I feel like she’s manipulating my husband to get what she wants.

Sorry for the loss of your fil and her dh .
It sounds like you have been a great support to her , and she is spoiling the status quo of your family by her ( seemily ) odd behaviour .
Could you and your husband go to her house , when your children are not around , and have a chat at what support you can offer her . Explain you have a right to have a normal family life with time in the evening just as the unit you are.
Perhaps you could offer to take her food shopping weekly , and 1 meal a week in the evening with either you or your husband picking up and taking home , as that way you are setting the timescale.
You could also have her for lunch on Sunday once a month .
Start off by being firm that suits you and that's what is on offer.
There are also quite a few meet ups / clubs for people that have experienced bereavement , maybe you could encourage her to attend some .
She needs something in her life to occupy herself.

She sounds stuck. You've got every right to have your family life. Has she seen her GP? I'd make her an appointment and take her to it, but I'd again start firmly dropping her back to her house after time with you all.

Shes grieving, and her son shut the door in her face??? Where’s his compassion?

@Frostine thanks for your reply, I think this is what we should do and I will suggest this to husband. Thank you

Yes she has private counselling twice a week, and I've got her to the docs a month or so ago and she has been given some help.

You did absolutely the right thing by shutting the door in her face.
You'd told her NO And she still came round.
You've done fantastic supporting her but you can't pour from an empty cup.

Of course that seems harsh, but he's lost his dad too and she was saying vile things and making threats and it just went too far. We know she is grieving we have been there through it day and night. But she will not let us have any time alone in our house and is manipulating him and it all got too much for him, we told her on the phone before hand to just give us a few days space and she turned up anyway.

Thank you, we of course feel very guilty but we need to draw a line somewhere and we are broken and exhausted too. I said that exact quote to my husband last night

Stay strong.

How old is she? Does she have friends? What was she like when FIL was alive?

She's 61, still works full time. She does have friends but she reacts badly if they say no to doing something with her so they're gradually pulling back at the moment because of her behaviour. We didn't ever see her that much before, they had a very quiet life that we weren't really part of, never remembered or sent a card for mine or the kids birthdays, no animosity or anything just husband not close with her at all before now.

She is very recently widowed. How long were they married for? I imagine it will take a long time for her to start to feel any where near to 'normal '

I understand and your dh and his mum aren't close, but it sounds like she is struggling and feels probably quite adrift. She may be being manipulative, but I would probably cut her some slack. It's only been 4 months and her life has changed immensely.

She then turned up unannounced and was crying and trying to get my husband to let her in and pulling at his heart strings saying my husband died how do you think I feel. When we call her out on her behaviour she blames it on anxiety (not grief) my point is, husband and I have said we need to carry on living our lives, spending time with our kids and eachother and be free to do what we like without the fear of arguments when we say no to one small thing

She probably does feel anxious. Grieving isn't just sadness, there are all sorts of emotions.
I also wouldn't be expected to thank you for anything just yet. I would probably let her come over and very slowly change your routine when she is there. It does sound like she is feeling very lonely and it will be hard on you all, just try and be kind to her and show your children how to treat people who are struggling.

Is she on leave at the moment or has she gone back to work?

Thank you for your kind message, we absolutely are showing compassion and kindness and in no way have we stopped her seeing us or coming over, I did a lovely dinner last week for her, she spent all day Saturday just gone here, this reaction has all been caused by us saying no to one day. We are gradually trying to adjust back to some normality for her and us

Have you spoken to her sister and given her the full story? What's her take on MIL's behaviour? If her friends have seen it, presumably her sister has, too.

@longtompot they were married for about 6 years she was divorced before that then single for a while.

We have been entirely selfless and of course we are role modelling kindness to our children, who in turn have given up their bedrooms for her to stay for weeks on end and have been bunking in with eachother. We have a 4 bed but husband has his office which he needs to be in early in the morning so she couldn't sleep in there.

So yes of course we have been kind and very tolerant but there comes a point where we need to gently ease back into a new normal and the behaviour and hurt she is projecting onto us is getting too much to bear when we are just gently saying no to one or two days.

Yes we speak to her sister who also doesn't know where to turn next, she's overwhelmed by MIL constantly needing her. she unwell and not very mobile and if she doesn't answer her phone instantly, MIL will phone everyone else in a panic because she thinks people are ignoring her. We had tried to reason with her and say this is not the case but people are just living their lives.

@saraclara she thinks she's behaving very poorly and her words not mine, she's the youngest sibling and is used to being looked after and getting her own way no matter what it takes, she's also described her as vindictive

I think you are doing well at balancing things here. Yes, she needs compassion, but you also need to take care of your own family and feelings. I think being clear on what you can offer her and what you are not offering is the way to go. If you give in to all her demands now, then you are normalising her behaviour and it will be very hard to pull back later. So better to be clear on what you can offer now, and while she will kick off a bit, she will get used to it. Obviously, this should be done with the understanding that she is newly widowed.

Thank you for your message. I agree with you, this was never about us being harsh or cutting her off it was about setting some very small boundaries for our lives going forward.

She went back to work about a month ago, but can work from home or her office. She chooses to work from my dining table. Meaning my days off I have to sit in my bedroom or go out

I really empathise with your situation. My sister was widowed at 51 and for about four years we just put her needs first. But she's a difficult person and everything has to be on her terms. We ended up having a huge row just before the Covid lockdown -down, which worked out well for us as she was forced to rely on her friends in the remote village she lives in!
It's not easy but in time, it becomes easier to enforce boundaries without feeling as guilty. Good luck op.

@Lizzbear thank you for your message

He's had months of this.
Where is her compassion for a son who has lost a father???

He needs a break. He wasn't close with his mother and her pushing and pushing herself into his life and into the OP's life and their family when they weren't close is going to be her downfall. If she needs support, grief support, widow's support, there are groups/charities/organisations that can help her. She has a sister that she will go crying to about how awful her son is (turning her sister into a 'flying monkey' on her behalf).
Suggest that she actually goes to visit with her sister perhaps?

He tried setting a boundary and she trampled all over it! Where's his compassion.....give me a fucking break!!!

Your MiL sounds just like the woman being described in the "Don't Rock the Boat" story (taken from the /JustNoMIL subreddit on Reddit)

Don't rock the boat.
I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.