Mother in Law guilt tripping me and husband

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my FIL passed away suddenly 4 months ago. Husband not massively close with him mum maybe they would catch up once a month or so by text. Obviously when FIL passed we have helped her more, she would come for dinner pretty much everyday, stay in our house night after night and became very dependable on us. We have two kids as well, who like us, put our whole life on hold and supporting her through the 1st Xmas NY alone etc. she spends all day just sitting in our house and gets funny if I go off to do something (put washing away/have a bath/early night) and it was getting a bit much. we discussed with her that we don’t just sit around in the day/evening watched The Chase. Husband and I both have very demanding full time jobs which require our focus to do well in. This week, she asked if she could come over Sunday and husband said no, he needs some time etc/housework to do. Anyway, because of this she has absolutely lost it and phoned her sister saying we’ve cut her off and twisting things and telling half a story. She then turned up unannounced and was crying and trying to get my husband to let her in and pulling at his heart strings saying my husband died how do you think I feel. When we call her out on her behaviour she blames it on anxiety (not grief) my point is, husband and I have said we need to carry on living our lives, spending time with our kids and eachother and be free to do what we like without the fear of arguments when we say no to one small thing. The help we have given her has been above and beyond and it seems to have become expected and no real thanks given, it’s expected that I come in from work and cook a huge meal for her when she’s been sat down all day. Husband shut the door in her face last night because he just can’t cope with her mind games and is overwhelmed with it all,(our youngest son overheard her going at husband and spent all evening shaking and crying as he was so scared), he’s also lost his FIL too and sadly saw him pass away in a very traumatic way. Guess I’m looking for a way to support her but also we need boundaries and some respect for our own lives, we’re the only ones who live near but even her sister who she is close with has said she will stomp her feet until she gets her own way and I feel like she’s manipulating my husband to get what she wants.

Stick her in a old peoples home one that does activities & bingo and the such. She'd probably enjoy it.

Sorry I meant suggest.

Yeah, it's not reasonable for someone who can't even be bothered to send their grandkids birthday cards to expect everyone to turn their lives upside down for them indefinitely because they are grieving. It's harsh as hell, but you get back what you bloody put in, noones entitled to a relationship with someone even when they don't really make an effort! I would be really upset if I was your DH, to lose my dad and then suddenly have a relationship forced on me that wasn't really there before, it's a lot to deal with! Grief is awful, and I can't imagine what she's going through to lose her husband at such a relatively young age, but the fact that her response to you wanting time to yourselves isn't 'of course, you should spend time together, I HAVE been around a lot,' and is instead to get nasty is bloody awful. Grief makes us act out of character, but it doesn't absolve you from being deliberately a horrible person - an over the top emotional reaction in the moment, and some strong feelings following, yes, but this is deliberately manipulative behaviour without even the slightest hint of care for the people she professes to want to spend time with - i know there will be people who will disagree with me, and that's fine. But family relationships are tricky, and that doesn't go away when people are ill or grieving etc.

@LookItsMeAgain interesting story I've never looked at it like that, thank you

Oh she still working age?

Could you not go to hers on every other weekend for Sunday dinner, then gradually make it longer between visits. I wouldn't suggest her coming to yours if she just stays there, you could use the excuse that DH could cut her lawn/sort her garden/do diy that's why you need to go to hers then it's easier to leave rather than getting her to leave yours.

@ChristmasGrinch24 some good ideas thank you, will suggest to husband

@Daisyvodka thank you, your reply has helped me put it into perspective a little more and I feel like you've really understood the situation

No, absolutely not. One boundary to set is no coming round to yours to work or during a normal working day. Alongside this, look for some places near her she could go out to work in - library, coffee shop, community centres - and suggest she tries working there some days as it'll get her out of the house and meeting other people.

@PullTheBricksDown thank you, great idea to suggest coffee shops or libraries for places to work. Husband also works from his home office and it's becoming difficult with her there all day as she expects him to make her cups of tea all day long and lunch etc

Why hasn't DH shown her where the kettle and the fridge is and told her to help herself? I would just breezily say if I was him that I've got a full day on today so help yourself but I don't have time to be making cups of tea/lunches.

@ChristmasGrinch24 we have said this, I've even laid out food and teabags but she doesn't, she prefers to be 'looked after' her words. And it's a way of getting husband to keep coming down so she can talk to him, he usually eats at his desk as he's busy and has lots of calls etc.

Christ in that case lock the door, don't let her in. He needs to sit down with her and be honest and tell her she's being to much. The more you let her depend on you the harder it's going to be for her to settle and become independent. Good luck op.

I’d prefer if someone made me all my drinks and meals during my working day too, but that’s not how it works. If she knows where the tea making equipment is and chooses not to use it that’s her choice, and not your husband’s problem. He’s set out a (very generous) boundary that she is welcome to work from your house, but has to sort out her food and drink - which you are providing and making easily accessible for her. What would happen if your husband had his headset on all day, and had a flask of tea and glass of water prepped for the office so he didn’t need to keep going downstairs - and just ignoring MIL? She can expect what she likes, but unless your husband gives in then expectations won’t make her a cup of tea.

What was your PiL like together? What was your FiL like?

What exactly does she want from you all if you are running to different parts of the house to get away from her?

He was a very gentle calm man, didn't like drama or anything and pandered to mil and did whatever she wanted him to do

@toastofthetown that's very true, it's not reality to be waited on all day, yes think he will do this going forward if she works from ours again

It sounds like she is trying to pull you all in to replace her husband running around after her
I agree with pp your first boundary should be that she cannot work from your home

She could have 30 years ahead of her, so be strict with boundaries. Cook food and take to her so she becomes used to being in her own house. I think if you keep your house as your sanctuary, things could be easier. So your husband could work there one half day a week, you could see her for coffee one day, he could take supper one evening - by splitting your time you can dilute it a bit and by being in her house, you can leave when you want. Does she have room for someone else to live with her?

I'm glad you've organised a doctor for her.

Heard that story years ago
Really good analogy

She mustn't work from your home.
And sounds like fil was the enabler

Thank you for your reply, think that's what we need to do in terms of keeping our house as a place we can relax and do our own thing.

Yes she has a 3 bed house with a large outbuilding/office.

Yes she still has a life to live and we want to support her but not at the detriment of our own lives and wellbeing

Maybe she could open up her large office space to others for company. I'm sure there are others who would like to work away from her home.

Sorry for your loss.
Your DH needs to sit down and talk calmly with her. Whilst the traumatic loss of her DH has changed her world dramatically and suddenly, and sudden and profound grief can make you lose all perspective, it sounds like she's lost any self awareness and coping by substituting your DH and your family for her late DH at the expense of his own mental health when also grieving. She needs to learn resilience and respect your boundaries. Has she ever lived on her own as an adult? Is your DH an only child? Would she source grief counselling? Are there local support groups?Does she have friends who support her socially?
I really hope you can help her to find resources and a way forward that makes her less reliant on you, DH and DC as she navigates widowhood.

Bloody hell she is only 61! She’s not a fragile elderly woman who has never lived alone. I’ll be 61 this year and don’t need looking after and even if widowed I’d be able to be self sufficient.

She sounds spoiled. Your DH needs to go over to her and sit her down and lay out some rules and tell her she is pushing people away so that they don’t want to be with her.

Thank you that helps hearing from someone of a similar age how you would be able to manage.

She has lived alone most of her adult life, her first husband lived abroad for work most of the time leaving her home alone for months on end and she was fine. She has another son who lives 3 hours away but doesn't even phone to check in with her-but this seems to be acceptable to her which is fine. She has grief counselling twice a week privately, and has talked about joining groups locally and has a neighbour who has been through a similar thing with her husband but she never seems to follow up with this just gravitates back to us