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Original poster

Being an adult "orphan"

29 replies

Shubbypubby · 28/12/2024 09:11

I feel ridiculous calling myself an orphan as I'm 44, a mother myself, fully (sort of) functioning adult etc but being parentless has hit me in a really profound way.

I lost my dad nearly a year ago at 43 and lost my mum when I was 22. They weren't perfect parents but I was very lucky in that they were loving, kind and provided me with a happy childhood and stable home. I stayed close to my dad after my mum died and we grew a lot closer as adults.

I now feel so lost and like a little child. I feel like I've no safety net and very alone, despite having good friends, lovely children, good relationships with other family members.

I've lost that unconditional unwavering love that you only get from (good) parents- someone who is always there for you no matter what. I also got divorced a couple of years ago so lost the safety net of a partner but romantic love is always conditional and usually finite.

Can anyone else relate?

OP posts:
feedmechocolatenowplease · 28/12/2024 12:24

I'm sorry for your loss. Yes, it is really hard and this is a particularly tough time of year. I lost my dad at 26 and my mum at 39 (I'm now 48). There won't be many, if any people you know in the same situation yet and it's not something that other people can really relate to. I find it's having no one to ask the questions to about my childhood. The loss of shared history. People who care about the minor details in mine and my children's lives. Apologies, that all sounds really depressing and I didn't mean it to. Just trying to show some solidarity 

feedmechocolatenowplease · 28/12/2024 12:27

And I dread the run up to Christmas and people I don't know well asking what my plans are and their curiosity as to why I'm not seeing my parents. I'm embarrassed to tell them they're both dead and then making the other person feel awkward!!!

thisoldcity · 28/12/2024 12:30

My cousin said to me at my dad's funeral 'welcome to the orphan club!' I thought it was an odd thing to say at the time, but actually it is a bit like that.

MNUSER123 · 28/12/2024 12:30

I absolutely understand. I lost my parents a few years ago within 3 months of each other.
I absolutely feel like an “orphan” and like I’ve lost part of myself. I’ve tried to explain it to a few people but nobody seems to understand.

I'm very sorry for your loss xx

Greebosmum · 28/12/2024 12:35

I am so sorry for you. It is hard being an adult orphan. People who aren't there yet won't understand. I am 63 and had a little cry over Christmas because I miss my Mum and Dad. Take care of yourself.

Wallawallakoala · 28/12/2024 12:57

Totally get how you feel. I lost my dad when I was a baby so never knew what it was like to have one, but very recently lost mum and feel untethered. I also have a young family but still feel orphaned. Not sure how to navigate this feeling yet.

unconditionalpurelove · 28/12/2024 13:05

I know exactly how you feel as I am an orphan too 🫂

unconditionalpurelove · 28/12/2024 13:06

Just to add I am 43.

Sunnnybunny72 · 28/12/2024 13:22

My dad died at 54 when I was 26 and my mum killed in an accident at 69 when I was 44. One sibling I am VLC with. Not seen him for over two years. Aunties, uncles and cousins scattered countrywide. I have no members of my family I ever see anymore.

MeandBobbyMcGoo · 28/12/2024 13:38

I feel like that too OP. Lost my dad years ago, and my mum passed away end of last year. I am 42 and feel lost at sea. The world feels like an unsafe place. And I don't know how to navigate this feeling at all. I had a good cry in the bath last night which helped.

Whohasnickedthesellotape · 28/12/2024 14:41

Yes! And without the safety net of parents there's often a change in the pecking order within any sibling group to contend with too. Squabbles can arise that if not addressed can fracture relationships. I feel like I lost my anchor, a bitter sibling, as well as my last parent at 60.
I have found this year what helped me to move on (surprisingly to me) was supporting a dear family friend who had just lost his own parent and joined the "orphan" club. Helping with practicalities of that sadmin and probate where I could made me realise exactly how far I had come in the last 2 years.

But I still miss my DPs enormously and wish I'd shown them how much I really loved and appreciated them when they were around.

bluebalou · 28/12/2024 15:27

I am too unfortunately.

stropview · 28/12/2024 15:43

Same here. I lost my Mum at 33 and Dad at 48 (52 now). It's only now when other close friends are losing their parents that a couple have apologised for not being there.

I have no other family. It's a lonely thought knowing you're the only one who's got your back.

Fourmagpies · 28/12/2024 15:54

Me too. And also divorced. I'm close to my sister but she lives on the other side of the world and I have a good relationship with two of my aunts, but it's not the same. They all have their own closer family to support and be supported by. I also feel for my kids as XHs parents are both dead too so they have no grandparents alive which is unusual for teens. I miss the big family gatherings, my mum was the organiser and got us altogether.

JollyHostess101 · 28/12/2024 18:33

I hear you!! Lost my Dad last year and Mum a few years before and this Christmas spent with my in laws has hit hard...... They are lovely but it's hit me this year!

CreationNat1on · 28/12/2024 18:37

I felt like this when my dad died. My mother is still alive but is emotionally stunted and was like a child after my Dad died, she latched onto my brother in law as the replacement man to be subservient to.

So dad died and the family dynamic changed dramatically.

Grieving is a lengthy process, time promotes acceptance. All the new memories that are created after their passing, become our life narrative.

WTFWilma · 28/12/2024 18:45

Me too. Lost DM when I was 42, and DF at 46. I married quite late in life, and don't have children; although I have a DH and DSC whom I love very much, I often feel, secretly, that no one would really, really miss me if I died suddenly tomorrow, not the way my DPs would.

thelittlestbird · 28/12/2024 18:49

Sending hugs OP. I'm 35, and lost my mum at 33 and my dad at 34. For about a year after my mum died I felt like a balloon that had been let go and was just floating without any tether. It gets better.

CMOTDibbler · 28/12/2024 18:55

Me too. Lost both of my parents within a month of each other nearly 5 years ago. I really feel it at this time of year with no family on my side to visit, or who have any interest in our lives.
When my mum had dementia, friends wanted to ignore that it could happen to your parent. When my parents died, even more so and their siblings didn't want to acknowledge it either which was particularly hurtful

darkmorning · 28/12/2024 18:58

feedmechocolatenowplease · 28/12/2024 12:27

And I dread the run up to Christmas and people I don't know well asking what my plans are and their curiosity as to why I'm not seeing my parents. I'm embarrassed to tell them they're both dead and then making the other person feel awkward!!!

I can really identify with this! Mine died when I was 17 and 33, it was tough.

Dahlia1234 · 28/12/2024 19:18

I completely understand how you feel.
I lost my dad in June 2011 and my mum just 8 months later in Feb 2012, all GPs had passed previously too. And I know exactly what you mean about feeling like an orphan.
I've always been close to my sister and we would talk to each other about how we felt about our parents not being here anymore, especially around Christmas. But my sister died in August this year and now I feel I have nobody who understands how I feel about not having them anymore 😞 I do have a brother but we're not really close and I couldn't talk to him about this.
I have a lovely husband, kids and grandkids, but they don't understand. I feel like I've nobody left from my gene pool other than my brother and it's horrible.

MujeresLibres · 28/12/2024 20:26

feedmechocolatenowplease · 28/12/2024 12:24

I'm sorry for your loss. Yes, it is really hard and this is a particularly tough time of year. I lost my dad at 26 and my mum at 39 (I'm now 48). There won't be many, if any people you know in the same situation yet and it's not something that other people can really relate to. I find it's having no one to ask the questions to about my childhood. The loss of shared history. People who care about the minor details in mine and my children's lives. Apologies, that all sounds really depressing and I didn't mean it to. Just trying to show some solidarity 

This, absolutely. I'm an only child, so there's not really many people who I can share childhood memories with, although I am close to a cousin. It's such a lonely feeling and Christmas can be tough for me.

Mepop · 01/01/2025 17:18

I feel the same. Lost my father just over a year ago and my mum a few years before. I am in my mid forties. All my friends have at least one parent, most have both. I have a sibling but we are not close. I feel alone although I am not, I have kids and a partner but this time of year is harder.

JollyHostess101 · 01/01/2025 18:47

@Shubbypubby I've had the worst Christmas and can now completely relate to your post! And have been thinking of it......Me and husband aren't getting on at all worse with the in laws here but it's dawned on me that I no longer have anyone who'll have my corner unwaveringly as I said previously lost mum and dad and I'm an only child and wider family aren't close at all!

If me and husband split it'll just be me and my daughter who's only 18months it's made me very teary and upset!