Bad day of Overwhelming Grief at no parents: don't want to have to "cope" with it

[AloneAloneAlone0]

Please help me with some kind words for my overwhelming fears.

I have had some dark times and bereavements over several years which included being a sole carer for a parent with dementia which was hard and meant a lot of sacrifices but worth it.

I'm very recently bereaved after second parent to die so I know it will ease but it will take years. I know I'm luck that the grief relects great love and great parents.

BUT Today I am just overwhelmed with anxiety and fear and horror. It's like I'm disassociating from my body. Today I feel like I just can't cope with being alone forever and having no one who cares for me.

When my parents were alive, there was always someone there who cared. Someone to go to if you had a problem. I realise I never feared anything - failure at work, illness, bankruptcy, injury leading to disability - things that may never happen but if you start to think about it lurk in every corner - because I had this magical shield of protection in the form of my parents who always loved me and would be there.

I am almost like floating out of my body looking at myself and feeling like no one is there for you now. if any of the awful things in life that can happen to anyone happen to you you are alone. for now for ever. no one to back you up. no one to help.

I am so scared of the future without this sort of love and so sad and just wish my mum and dad were back with me here. I can't cope with this floating sense of a future horror of loneliness. I'm tired of 'having to cope' and I don't want this any more. I can't imagine ever feeling safe or secure like that again and I hate it. I'm crying as I write this. The pain is so bad. My heart is broken. It's always me that has to be the strong one and I can't any more.

(its probably obvious but am alone in the world now - no bf/dh/children no extended family. no one)

I'm so sorry to hear about your parents . It must be so hard right now, so many complex emotions particularly when you have been a carer. Such a hard time of year too. It sounds a bit like you're experiencing some post-traumatic type symptoms, have you thought about talking to your GP or a counsellor about whether there is anything that can help, asking for help/admitting you need support is not a sign of weakness, like you say for so long you've been the strong one supporting everyone else, sounds a bit like maybe your body is telling you it's time now to put yourself first?

All I can say of comfort as someone that has been through similar (not exactly the same) is that it does get better, there is meaningful life (and even love) after caring if you seek it, the grief and pain does become less acute (doesn't go away entirely but becomes more a regular part of the life than something so all consuming and overwhelming like it is today) - but don't feel as though you need to get there right now. Right now things are awful, you feel like you're falling apart - what would falling apart actually look like to you? Staying in bed or on the sofa all day? Eating crap? Neglecting work or other responsibilities? Screaming and crying into your pillow? I'd actually say go ahead, fall apart do all those things if you feel like it, not forever, not even until Christmas (something my dear old Dad used to say), just for now. You need to give yourself time to grieve, if ever there was a time for self-indulgence now is it. I hope you've taken time off work in any case? I'd take all pressure off myself to recommence 'coping' until at least the new year, take each day as it comes, if you feel up to socializing a bit or going for a walk then do, if you don't, don't. I think given a bit of time and space you'll start to find little green shoots of ideas and hope for what this next phase in your life may hold will start to emerge but you can't hurry them before they're ready so just hold tight for now.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have anything much to add, but maxelly has given some excellent advice above.

@maxelly thank you for your kind post. I'm really moved a stranger would write to me so kindly.

that's interesting about PTSD and I think this maybe delayed from something that happened earlier (Traumatic event in connection with bereavement)

I probably should make an apptment with my GP but my GP knew my most recently deceased parent well and I can't face having to speak to them about the death and their condolences. I just can't face it.

I am not working as I'd given up work completely to become a carer but I am falling apart. I have lost my appetite and am managing evening stress when it is worth with a few glasses of wine. I have been abandoned by the few freinds I had a long time ago. I know things could be worse I have roof over my head for example and am employable when I want to go back but I am in such emotional pain and fear the future.

I just want to give up and curl up under a blanket like a little girl with my mum or my dad and pretend this is not happening.

When my second parent died this April I felt untethered. Like the anchor that was holding me to the earth had snapped. My parent was over 90 and failing although death was quite sudden and I was surprised at the depth of this feeling. When my first parent died I needed counselling due to the circumstances of death which I found traumatic. it was so helpful to sit and have someone listen to me for a while every week and now I can grieve without reliving the final few days. I haven't (yet) needed counselling this time round, but will if I feel I need it. And most of the time I feel back on the ground - partly because I realise I am the anchor for my children. Which is strange in its own way, that I am now the oldest generation. And every now and then I feel untethered all over again as the grief and loss comes in waves.
If you can't face the doctor would something like this help? https://untanglegrief.com/
Sending love as you navigate your way through the grief journey

@AloneAloneAlone0 a very distant relative of mine passed away recently. I’m not sure he would have thought many people cared much about him because he was a quiet man and a bit of a loner. He never learned to drive due to a few disabilities he had but his neighbours brought him weekly shopping, to church, and checked in from time to time once he couldn’t cycle any longer. He lived alone after his father passed away many years before. He had distant relatives who called by pretty regularly but it would be fair to say they were not massively warmly welcomed by him but they cared. Anyway at his funeral for two solid hours people shook the hands of his family members - siblings, nieces and nephews. It was actually quite overwhelming to see.

He had a community and they genuinely cared when he was alive, when he died.

It is possible to generate a community for you, maybe through hobbies, maybe through church, maybe through volunteering, maybe a relationship of whatever kind might interest you but it genuinely is possible. If a pretty grumpy old man who lived his entire life in a very quiet rural area could do it a person who is caring and empathetic and warm as you clearly are will be able to too once you recover from the significant loss you have endured. It takes commitment and a bit of bravery but obviously you have those in spades after what you have been through.

@Fluffythefish and @Aliceinneverland thannks for rpelying to me.

IIf a pretty grumpy old man who lived his entire life in a very quiet rural area could do it a person who is caring and empathetic and warm as you clearly are will be able to too once you recover from the significant loss you have endured.

That is a lovely story and has made me cry more.

I know that I have shown a lot of selflessness and love to both my parents to a very high degree. Without blowing my own trumpet, I've done things that very few people would be willing or able to do including giving up work, to live with them, give up all my own life to make sure both were able to live in comfort cared for so well at home so the end of their lives were as wonderful as they could be made.

Much of what I have done is not visible to other people nor ever would be. I think in my old normal working life I am very hard-shell prickly porcupine. It's necessary in that world which is very dog eat dog. It maybe part of why I am so sad and so vulnerable and raw because its such a contrast to how I used to live

I've spend so long just being a beacon of love and care for others often at my own expense and no one can see that in me or that I am capable of great kindness and love. It makes me sad that I have so few friends or support but its about me and my own fault and choices and personality.

Even if others can’t see that, you can see all of that and quite rightly it is an enormous and justifiable source of pride for you about your own character. Self esteem matters in looking outwardly to forming new relationships and knowing your own character well is fantastic for self esteem. When the time is right for your next phase of life, you will be able to put that strong character to good use working on figuring out what matters to you, and looking to meet your own social needs in terms of getting involved in new communities around you. You honestly sound like a fabulous daughter and person and you will be fine given time to grieve.

Oh how I sympathise, bless you.i was an only child. When my DM died I was in an abusive relationship, with a husband who had just confessed to being gay, marrying me as a respectable front for his middle class family
My late father relied on my heavily. H insured me for a large sum, tried to kill me, father informed me he had a girlfriend (same age 60s) 6 weeks after DM died..I had small kids. I thought I would go mad! I couldn't talk to friends about it, they were unaware of the nature of my marriage, they didn't see this side..I was actually nursing in the hospital where my DM was diagnosed,cock up by family GP. I told them where to stick their job, went back to office work,boss sacked me the following day after my h was arrested, said he didn't want me working in their fine upstanding family firm when the news got into the papers. House repossessed,H did a runner,no money. Kept thinking things couldn't get any worse. I had a friend at work, his F who brought him up died just before I went to work there, he offered a shoulder to cry on. We became an item,had a baby got married. Wasn't expecting any of this. There is a light at the end of that horrible tunnel. You might find comfort chatting to someone at a church, chaplain...we live near a famous suicide spot, they are always around. Group therapy, like minded souls, even the Samaritans.

I don't have any lived experience so I can't pretend to say I know how you feel, but you sound so very lovely my heart feels sad for you.

Other posters have shared some wonderful advice and I would echo them all. Make sure you take the time to grieve fully and do whatever you need to do. You've spent time caring for others, and now it's time to prioritise yourself and care for yourself, however that looks at the moment.

When you feel up to, look ar joining some groups. Where we are, we have a wonderful online group for women in the area and there's hundreds of us now, from women in their 20s all the way up to some ladies in their 80s and 90s. Its a safe space online to talk and share wisdom, silly jokes, advice, and they have regular meet ups for coffees or meals. It didn't sound like my thing at all, but I went along to one and it was really lovely. I've now got a little group of friends of all ages and experiences and it's wonderful. Sounds cheesy as anything, but honestly, it's lush.

Sending lots of love to you and hope you have a peaceful and restful Christmas and that the new year is kind to you.

@Nannyfannybanny I'm sorry you had such a horrific time but thank you for posting your happy ending. I suppose its about trying to fight through this dark times but I cant imagine ever being happy again.

I've honestly spent about 5 days in a row not doing much else but cry and feel sad.

You are early on in the grief,it does get better,it's different. The dark days of winter don't help, then you get the sunny days and you don't feel "sunny",you long for the dark cold days so they can mirror your misery. Hope you find something to help you through this time.

I felt the same way when i lost my second parent, absolutely untethered / unanchored. It gets easier, but for a very long time i didn't want it to get easier because that would mean i was accepting it. I read ''The Orphaned Adult: Understanding And Coping With Grief And Change After The Death Of Our Parents' by Alexander Levy. and found it helpful. Be kind to yourself,

This really resonated with me, OP:

”I just want to give up and curl up under a blanket like a little girl with my mum or my dad and pretend this is not happening.”

My grandma was the biggest source of love in my childhood. I lost her last year. I have many many happy memories of her which are a comfort, but sometimes I want to curl up under a blanket and be ‘mothered’ by her.

On the days when my grief was overwhelming , I tried to parent myself as though I was a child. I would make hot chocolate and buttered toast, curl up under a blanket, read a book or watch a film and ‘parent’ myself. I taught myself that I can trust myself to take care of myself. I learned how to self-soothe when I was in pain.

Your pain is so raw. There’s nothing wrong with being a child for a little while, and imagining how your parents would have taken care of you. You know it’s not a permanent state and it’s not about denying reality - it’s about nurturing that very young part of you for a little while. That’s the part that missed them so desperately and wants to be looked after like this.

for what it’s worth, therapy helped me a lot.

I wish you peace and the strength to build new relationships and eventually to welcome new people into your life x

*misses them, not missed

@refreshingseahorse thanks for the book recommendation.
may I ask would it upset me in do you think in the light of what I say here ?

I've read a couple of books on grief one was very helpful (short matter of fact) which I liked, the other I found deeply upsetting. It made it worse - partly because it had lots of that sort of emotional comment about grief that doesn't help. Like that awful poem Do Not Weep which I cannot stand and that even worse one that has the line I have only slipped away into the next room in it.
I find this kind of thing so distressing in its light triteness and hollowness. It makes me more upset.

I suppose I'm saying I'm alright with very matter of fact practical stuff about grief but don't like emotional 'trying to be comforting' hollow stuff.

What do you think?

@cocoloco23

On the days when my grief was overwhelming , I tried to parent myself as though I was a child. I would make hot chocolate and buttered toast, curl up under a blanket, read a book or watch a film and ‘parent’ myself. I taught myself that I can trust myself to take care of myself. I learned how to self-soothe when I was in pain.

This is so beautifully written and made me well up with tears. I guess that's it isn't it. No one for me now. all alone so I need to parent myself.

I have had grief counselling previously after an earlier bereavement and it did help. For some reason though I am not feeling that I want to do it again. It maybe because the pain is too fresh. I am too early for grief counsellign anyway.

You don’t have to have counselling yet, or at all. You don’t have to be ready yet, or ever. Grief and the pain of bereavement is as personal as the relationship you had with the person who has died.

I was wondering if you’re in touch with friends of your parents? I found that talking about my grandma with other people who knew her well was very comforting.

Do whatever makes it easier for you. Make the hot chocolate. Tuck yourself in. You will always be there to look after yourself.

Just wanted to say thank you to all who have posted in reply to OP. I have been in a similar situation and have found it extremely difficult at times. One day at a time is the usual advice and there is lots of truth in that although it doesn't feel like that when you are in the thick of it. I too have learnt to care and look after my self in a similar way my father did. It's so so hard and seek help on here as it really does offer comfort. I didn't go to my gp until I was very very down and do wish I had gone earlier so please rethink a visit.

Big hugs OP. Grief can be so huge.
I have never felt so raw and exposed as when my Mum died. It was unexpected and very primal. It was an incredibly lonely feeling.
I am fortunate to have people around me, DH, DD. So being without that real life support must make this feel even harder.
All I can say it, time helps. You grow around your grief and loss. There will be a time you will feel happy again but for now you have to ride the sadness.
Do talk to your GP and consider getting some support - Cruse are a bereavement charity and might offer some advice/counselling. DH lost his mother a year ago and one of his friends is a bereavement support counsellor and spent some time talking with DH which he found very helpful.
Take it one day at a time, be kind to yourself.

Oh op I am so so sorry for your losses. It sounds like you have been a wonderful daughter and you should feel proud of that. I feel proud of you.

Once the raw stages of grief soften a little, maybe you can think of ways you can start to put yourself first now, to turn to face the world again. I know it feels impossible but done day I hope you will be ready for that.

Take care of yourself. I think you should think about some counselling, just to help you navigate through this dark time.

So sorry for your loss

I have no specific advice to give. Death hits everybody differently but, in general I would say

1. Be kind to yourself. Don't judge yourself; if you're not allowed to fall apart when your loved ones die, when can you? It's undeniably, earth-shatteringly shit and you should do whatever you need to to survive.
2. Hold on to the fact that everything changes. That is the nature of life. So you won't feel the way you do for ever. Be patient. It may take a long time but it will change
3. We often want to hold on to our grief; as if a lightening of the burden would diminish our love. That's fine, hold onto your sorrow as long as you need to. It's not a race to 'get better'.
4. Be aware that, when you're ready (and not before), 3 things will help:

• being busy • being physically active • contact with people

Progress (if you can call it that) is not linear; you'll feel better one day and worse the next. That's just how it is

Everyone who has lost loved ones will tell you that you never get over it - you just learn to live with it. And sometimes grief will hit you when you least expect it, at the silliest times.

I'm sitting here weeping as I write... sending a virtual hug

I hear you OP. I have lost both of my parents in last 5 years or so. I cared for them both and found it stressful and exhausting but very busy. Now they are both gone it is sinking in that I am all alone in the world now.

I hear my mums voice (she was always worrying about me) - make sure you get your flu jab, stay near houses when you take the dog out in the dark, text me when you get home.

Well mum I haven't had my flu jab this year and nobody gives a shit and if I get mugged while out with the dog in the dark it will be quite a while before anyone notices.

Like you OP I am completely alone now. No partner or kids. Lost touch with friends due to being carer for over 5 years. When it hits me how alone I am (which is really frightening and overwhelming) I have to just concentrate on right now. Okay what am I doing now - have a nice cup of tea and then find something to watch on netflix. Then go to my cosy bed and read mumsnet. And don't think any further than that.

If I feel really bad I console myself with 'it won't be that long till it's my turn' (to die like they have)

If I think about never seeing them ever again I can feel quite panicky so I just don't think about it and when it comes into my head I have to make it all small again by the whole routine above.

You are right - when you parents are alive you are somebodys child. Someone is higher than you in the pecking order of life. There is always someone to talk to, turn to, get help from, get company from, spend xmas day with. Being alone is very frightening.

My mind still can't quite figure it out. I think they are 'somewhere' but will be back at some point. I still think their house is theirs (it's not, it was sold) and I still picture my dad sitting in his chair with all the remotes. The fact that the chair is gone, the house is sold and my dad is not there is something I know is reality but still my mind sees him there.

A couple of times something a bit shocking or surprising has happened and I think to myself 'OMG my mum will be so shocked when I tell her that this has happened' and then my brain computes that actually she won't be because I can't tell her so she will never know. I can't quite accept that - that all new things that happen now my mum will never know about because she is not here and I can't tell her. Phone her up and chat with her about it like we used to. It feels just surreal.

What has helped me is talking to my mum in a written sort of diary. Like a conversation really. So like - Hi mum, sorry not spoken for a while. Been a bit ill with covid which is going crazy round just now. Blah blah. Here I can tell her things that have happened or how I am feeling about things or just general thoughts. Pretty much like what I would have done with her in person but now just writing it down like I am talking to her. When she first died I would literally be writing for hours. Pages and pages about all sorts and it really did help.

Anyway hugs and know you are not alone.

@4pawdrive Wow! I am not joking but I could have written what you have written almost word for word. When you say "know you aren't alone" you weren't joking. Almost everything you wrote is me too. All the caring everything.

This bit though:

Well mum I haven't had my flu jab this year and nobody gives a shit and if I get mugged while out with the dog in the dark it will be quite a while before anyone notices.

I am a bit different, in that all though I get the 'nobody gives a shit" (same here, me too) feeling, I would still get the flu jab and do the things, thinking it was honouring my parents wishes. Like someone up thread said 'parenting yourself'.

I can't get over how similar our feelings are. Thanks for posting. It is good to know (as awful as these feelings are) that I am not alone. Not sure why as I wouldn't wish this on anyone.