Guilt - DM died alone

[AnellaA]

It’s the two year anniversary of my mum’s death this week and I’m still plagued with guilt that I wasn’t there at the moment she died.

On the day she collapsed, I had spent the day with her (she was 85 and needed some extra daytime help) but I was not very kind to her about something she was worrying about. We made up after the spat, but I just knew something still wasn’t right, so I went back in the evening to give her a hug and say sorry about it all and reassure her and make sure she’d eaten her dinner. As I arrived, she collapsed. The doctor later confirmed it was stress that caused it.

I comforted her and called the ambulance, and I held her hand as she slipped into a coma.

She stayed in a coma in hospital for four days. It was a difficult time - dc2 was only 2 years old and dh didn’t take any time off. I was the only one who visited mum in hospital. I did as much bedside vigil as I physically felt I could - but mum was totally unresponsive and on the fourth night I was so exhausted, I went home early to rest and spend time with my kids.

Next morning I got to her bedside a little later than usual and realised she had already passed away. I went out of the cubicle in a daze and said to the nearby nurse “oh I think my mum has already died a while ago, can you come and check please?” And the nurse hurried in and said yes, I’m afraid she did. And we opened a window and then I don’t remember a thing that happened for the rest of that day. I have no idea how I got home.

I just can’t stop reliving those events,

The thing is that throughout those days, the nurses and doctor kept telling me that mum may be able to hear or feel touch despite being comatose. So if she really could hear me, she’d have realised I left her alone at the end, wouldn’t she? She would have known no one was there holding her hand.

I cannot bear the idea that I left her in that horrible hospital bed, and she might have known. She’d have said, “the kids come first Annella, go and give them a hug from me.” But she felt so strongly that no one should die alone in hospital, and I feel I let her down.

What do I do with this guilt and this grief? It feels like I am no further along than I was two years ago.

Oh bless you. This is really really common, so much so that nurses often think that people almost wait until their family have gone away before they die- I don't mean deliberately, but that they feel they have to somehow hang on while people are there then when you leave they feel more able to let go. I'm sorry for your loss. Do you think it would be worth talking to a counsellor about it all?

Please stop torturing yourself OP. You did as much as much as you could in the circumstances. Please be kind to yourself.

I’m so sorry to hear you feel like this.

you have nothing to feel guilty about.

have you talked to any bereavement charities for some support?

"The doctor later confirmed it was stress that caused it."

WTF? She ended up in a coma and was 85. It was clearly not stress at fault.

It sounds like you did everything you could and I don't think the Dr was right to say the collapse/ coma was caused by stress - that's not how the body works.

It is very common for people to slip away when family are not there so this happens to lots of people.

In the nicest way possible i think you need prioritise the living now - particularly your immediate family. This guilt sounds like it is causing harm. You need a way of letting it go for all your sakes.

I’m so sorry for your loss

They do this. They wait till you’re not there to slip away. Whether they find it hard to leave while you’re there or they want to save you from watching them go, I don’t know.

You didn’t cause this and she knew you loved her. Wishing you peace.

My mum died alone. The nurses said it's common for parents to wait til dc are gone. Perhaps parent instinct that your Mum wanted to spare you.

I've had similar guilt about my mother who passed in regards to them still being able to feel/hear you when they're comatose, what helps me is thinking of how I would feel if I was in her position and it was one of my children that wasn't there all of the time while I was in a coma and full of pain medication - and if I could form coherent thoughts, it would be that they was a good reason they weren't by my bed. Children, work, something they couldn't overcome or just that they couldn't take it mentally, and I wouldn't hold it against them. I wouldn't lay there thinking they'd forgotten about me, or die in distress about it and I'm sure you wouldn't if you were in her position and it was your children who weren't there at the exact moment you passed.
Take care of yourself OP, grief and guilt is a bitch. You can't control it, but anyone who loved you and had passed would want to lessen these feelings for you, so give yourself permission to be free of them on their behalf.

My mom died in hospital after visits. If we had all been there crying, her passing might have been anything but peaceful.

I genuinely think parents often wait for their kids to leave to die. As a sort of ahhh my child is ok and independent I can rest easy and feel proud, my work here is done. Kind of thing.

I think people let go and leave when they are ready to. I heard someone who worked in palliative care say that some people want to die with family and/or friends with them so they will hang on until the right person/people are there but, for others, it can be a very private process and they will often slip away in the few seconds a relative takes a phone call or nips to the loo, etc.

I'm sure your mum knows you loved her and would hate to think you were fretting on this

I read your OP and I don't see the story of a daughter who left her mum to die alone. I see the story of a daughter who loved her mum very much and did everything she could to look after her right until the very end. You can't stay by someone's bedside 24/7, especially when you have small children. Please get some counselling because you don't deserve to feel guilty.

You sound such a loving daughter. Everyone gets impatient sometimes but what rings out is that even though you had made up, you went back to double check she felt happy and settled. That speaks volumes about your love and care for your mum. She knew you went back as you were right there with her when she collapsed. You were there holding her hand. You spent all that time talking to her whilst she was in hospital and she will have waited for a quiet space to pass. You have been a wonderful, kind, loving daughter. Please do justice to your lovely relationship with your mum by setting this misplaced guilt aside and remembering how much you meant to each other.

My Mum had a bad stroke on a Friday morning and we tried to be with her between my Dad, myself and my 2 brothers. There was 3 of us with her most of Sunday and we left at 6 pm to go home and have something to eat and come back later, but she died 10 minutes after we left. We like to think she did this for us. Something similar has since happened with my Dad and both In laws. I like to think it was the last thing they could do for us.

Sorry for your loss.

Stress didn't cause her death.
You didn't cause her death.
She could see past your disagreement and you made up anyway.

People often wait until they are alone before they pop off.
It's a thing.
So don't worry
it's likely she chose that way to try and save you grief. She'd be upset if she knew she'd actually caused you grief.

Yes this struck me too. Either you've misunderstood this or the doctor has misspoke.

You really did all you could please don’t blame yourself - my dad slipped away the day after I’d gone to see him - my daughter (15 at the time) knew he was very close to death as she cried but he did look incredibly peaceful after all the pain he had suffered. You mustn’t torture yourself that you could have done more - you sound amazing x

she waited until you were gone. She wanted you to rest x

Both my parents died alone. I believe by choice. Dying can be an intensely private experience for many people imo

Hi Annella, I'm a nurse... please don't continue to beat yourself up over your mum's death. You did the right thing in every circumstance... everyone has arguments, you made up, checked on her, stayed with her as much as you possibly could until you yourself were exhausted and no good to anyone in that state. It really wasn't possible for you to do any more for her.

It's not possible to say what your mum might have been feeling towards the very end, but it's accepted that people can hallucinate and often see and talk to loved ones who have already passed, so maybe your mum was already unaware of what was going on around her physically when she died.

As others have said, there is a widely held belief that many people do choose a time when their family isn't there to pass...who knows why.

Sending a huge hug... please let go of any guilt, you have none to carry - your mum wouldn't want you to feel this way ❤️

These kinds of things with elderly parents are so so so difficult.

You didn't do anything wrong. You did your best under very difficult circumstances with little kids.

Would you want your child to carry guilt like this? You definitely wouldn't - so don't carry this guilt yourself. You did everything you could.

Stress did not kill her. She was 85 and that was the real cause of her death. She was over UK life expectancy. Try to think of it that way.

I understand your feelings of guilt, even if I don’t think you have something to feel guilty for. There is almost always something more we could have done, but you also did a lot and were with her almost to the very end.
Just a suggestion but how about going to her grave or other place infused with her memory and speak your feelings out loud, express your sadness and regret.

Oh OP you poor thing. I'm so so sorry for your loss.
I agree with everyone who's already said they wait until they're alone to die.
I lost both my wonderful parents. My mum was unconscious but somehow waited for each one of her close family to go in and say their goodbyes and the died as the last person left the room. My dad similarly hung on for 2 weeks whilst me and my sisters were by his side and then slipped away without me there one morning.
I truly believe your mum was trying to spare you. The relationship with your mum was not the last 4/5 days of her life. It was a lifetime. Every moment, every hug, every time you told her you loved her - that's was all always with her. She knew you loved her, believe me.
You said you know what she'd have said (the kids come first go give them a hug from me) - what would she say to you now?
Xxx

Exactly this , what a silly thoughtless thing for anyone to say .

I am very sorry for your loss , there are often so many conflicting emotions when we lose someone we love , i'm sure your mom knew she was loved and that she loved you too.

Please stop torturing yourself. I wasn't with either of my parents when they died. My DM died suddenly so I couldn't help that, my DF was in hospital and I had been spending the days with him and the nights at home. I told him to slip away whenever he wanted to, he didn't need to wait until I was there and he died in the morning before I got there. I felt no guilt whatsoever. He knew I loved him and had spent time with him. His wife, my stepDM, also died in hospital before he turned up in the morning.

Also, as pps have said, stress didn't cause your DM's death. She was 85, she wasn't going to live forever.