Guilt - DM died alone

[AnellaA]

It’s the two year anniversary of my mum’s death this week and I’m still plagued with guilt that I wasn’t there at the moment she died.

On the day she collapsed, I had spent the day with her (she was 85 and needed some extra daytime help) but I was not very kind to her about something she was worrying about. We made up after the spat, but I just knew something still wasn’t right, so I went back in the evening to give her a hug and say sorry about it all and reassure her and make sure she’d eaten her dinner. As I arrived, she collapsed. The doctor later confirmed it was stress that caused it.

I comforted her and called the ambulance, and I held her hand as she slipped into a coma.

She stayed in a coma in hospital for four days. It was a difficult time - dc2 was only 2 years old and dh didn’t take any time off. I was the only one who visited mum in hospital. I did as much bedside vigil as I physically felt I could - but mum was totally unresponsive and on the fourth night I was so exhausted, I went home early to rest and spend time with my kids.

Next morning I got to her bedside a little later than usual and realised she had already passed away. I went out of the cubicle in a daze and said to the nearby nurse “oh I think my mum has already died a while ago, can you come and check please?” And the nurse hurried in and said yes, I’m afraid she did. And we opened a window and then I don’t remember a thing that happened for the rest of that day. I have no idea how I got home.

I just can’t stop reliving those events,

The thing is that throughout those days, the nurses and doctor kept telling me that mum may be able to hear or feel touch despite being comatose. So if she really could hear me, she’d have realised I left her alone at the end, wouldn’t she? She would have known no one was there holding her hand.

I cannot bear the idea that I left her in that horrible hospital bed, and she might have known. She’d have said, “the kids come first Annella, go and give them a hug from me.” But she felt so strongly that no one should die alone in hospital, and I feel I let her down.

What do I do with this guilt and this grief? It feels like I am no further along than I was two years ago.

@AnellaA , dear girl. You clearly love your mum, she will have known that. You should know it’s a very well documented phenomenon that people wait until those they worry will find it difficult to see them die have left the room before they let go. I sat by both my parents for bloody days and they both waited until I’d had a little break to leave this mortal plain. I believe your mum chose her time specifically for you not to be there as so many do. Let go of your guilt and cherish your memories. That’s what your mum wants and where you will feel near to her.
I’m sorry for your loss. X

Definitely have some therapy. Grief is so hard and complicated x

This is so true.
Literally anything can raise your blood pressure when you're in your 80's.

OP your thread has me in tears too.
You sound like a wonderful daughter. So many people don't have families who love them as much as you love your Mum.

I didn't manage to get the hospital to allow me to move my lovely Dad out of the horrendous ward he was on and so he died there.

I had been in every day for 5 weeks. As well as working, and looking after my kids and my mum. The hospital phoned us in the middle of the night to say he was on his way. So we rushed in and when we got there he'd gone. They hadn't even closed his eyes.

I have beat myself up about not being there too. But other posters are right. It's about an entire lifetime of love that we were lucky enough to share. They know they were loved. We know we were loved. Who could ask for more?

Sending hugs x x

You sound like a really good daughter OP and I bet your mum wouldn't want you to be worrying about this. I think therapy is a really good idea to work out your thinking around it.

In my experience people and animals prefer to be alone when they die.
you went above and beyond OP, don’t feel guilty.

This is grief talking OP. I was with my parent (pure chance), and I still very much beat myself up about the hours and days before. It takes my breath away sometimes, they didn’t have a good death and I tell myself I failed them. The comment above on this thread is one of the most helpful things I’ve read ‘your relationship was not those last hours and days, it was a lifetime’. That got me - and it is true.

As everyone has said I think this is common. I wasn’t with either of my parents when they died. In my mum’s case I didn’t make it to the hospital in time. My dad died in a RTA. It is so hard, I wish I could have been with them.