Guilt - DM died alone

[AnellaA]

It’s the two year anniversary of my mum’s death this week and I’m still plagued with guilt that I wasn’t there at the moment she died.

On the day she collapsed, I had spent the day with her (she was 85 and needed some extra daytime help) but I was not very kind to her about something she was worrying about. We made up after the spat, but I just knew something still wasn’t right, so I went back in the evening to give her a hug and say sorry about it all and reassure her and make sure she’d eaten her dinner. As I arrived, she collapsed. The doctor later confirmed it was stress that caused it.

I comforted her and called the ambulance, and I held her hand as she slipped into a coma.

She stayed in a coma in hospital for four days. It was a difficult time - dc2 was only 2 years old and dh didn’t take any time off. I was the only one who visited mum in hospital. I did as much bedside vigil as I physically felt I could - but mum was totally unresponsive and on the fourth night I was so exhausted, I went home early to rest and spend time with my kids.

Next morning I got to her bedside a little later than usual and realised she had already passed away. I went out of the cubicle in a daze and said to the nearby nurse “oh I think my mum has already died a while ago, can you come and check please?” And the nurse hurried in and said yes, I’m afraid she did. And we opened a window and then I don’t remember a thing that happened for the rest of that day. I have no idea how I got home.

I just can’t stop reliving those events,

The thing is that throughout those days, the nurses and doctor kept telling me that mum may be able to hear or feel touch despite being comatose. So if she really could hear me, she’d have realised I left her alone at the end, wouldn’t she? She would have known no one was there holding her hand.

I cannot bear the idea that I left her in that horrible hospital bed, and she might have known. She’d have said, “the kids come first Annella, go and give them a hug from me.” But she felt so strongly that no one should die alone in hospital, and I feel I let her down.

What do I do with this guilt and this grief? It feels like I am no further along than I was two years ago.

I agree with others that all I saw in your post was what a wonderful loving daughter you were. All I see is how lucky she was to have you. I think you know she wouldn't want you to feel bad about this (just as you wouldn't want that for your children)

She loved you so much, she couldn't let go while you were there.

From everything you have told us,
I would be very proud of you if you were my daughter. You clearly loved your mum and did your very best bless you. Please don’t worry any more.

They say that sometimes a relative waits for you to leave to pass away- the end can not be very nice as things leave the body. Your Mum knew you loved her and didn't want you to see her like that but rather at peace when that had happened.

Take comfort in knowing you both meant a lot to one another x

I was going to post the same thing. The doctor had no way of knowing whether this was the case, so they had no business saying this to you.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and reassurance.

My mum and I were very close, and you are all right - she would hate me to feel so guilty about what happened.

I do know that unfortunately it is correct the stress that killed her; she had an untreatable condition which the consultant advised would trigger a fatal event if her blood pressure became elevated. And that’s exactly what happened.

I have read all your replies several times and had a proper snotty, messy cry - and I’m trying to let myself accept all these very balanced, very kind responses.

I know I have to stop torturing myself with it, and accept that I did a lot of really good things as a daughter, and see the bigger picture.

Thank you all again for making me give my head a wobble.

You didn’t let her down. It’s clear you loved her so much 💐

My mother had a constant stream of bedside visitors. She waited to die until the 5 minute window when she was alone.

the hospice nurse said that some
people don’t want their loved ones to see them die so they hold on until they have privacy. I don’t know if it is true. It could have just been a nurse saying something to provide comfort, but it fit my mother’s personality so well that I believed it.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. No doctor can possibly say that stress caused an 85 year old to collapse. That's just honestly complete nonsense.
You spent time with her and cared about her. She will have known that.

I was about to write the same thing. I read the OP as showing what a good supportive daughter you were in difficult circumstances.

Please do not feel guilty. My mum died in a hospice, and the nurses told me it is very common for the parent to wait until the children are not there and then they pass. And do not feel guilty re the spat. I am currently looking after my elderly father and his worries and anxiety can be infuriating. We are only human and doing our best.
Best wishes to you for a happy future as your mum would want for you.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP .

The stress did not kill her, the condition she had did.

@AnellaA there are lots of things other than stress that can cause elevated blood pressure.
You didn't cause her blood pressure to rise. You are not responsible for her death.

Please be kind to yourself

My mum passed away a while ago now. Completely unexpectedly and out of the blue. It was 3m after my dc had been born. She'd waited years to become a grandma (DS was the result of ivf) and then, in the blink of an eye was gone.
I'd like to think she was at peace that all her children were happy and she finally had the GC she desperately wanted.

It's still shit though!!

Take some time for yourself to process. I do remember struggling in the early days just reliving the picture in my head when we found her. It gradually stopped happening but it took a long while.x

OP, there is absolutely nothing wrong with dying alone. I sincerely hope I do, because then it will be calm and without fuss. It's also well documented that lots of people die when family members have briefly gone out of the room - almost as if they have waited for exactly that moment. Your mother was very fortunate to die peacefully.

To be honest, if I was on my deathbed, I imagine that iwouldn't want an audience while I die. I'd want to be alone to let go of life in peace, and without upset people around me.

So don't feel bad about not being there at the end, OP. I think it's a 'choice' that many dying people make.

Honestly, this. Stress didn’t do this op.

im so sorry for your loss but please don’t reproach yourself

Another saying that people wait until they are alone. My mother had someone with her day and night until the nurse came down for a cup of tea. Bless you. You sound like you have proper trauma. Do talk about it, write about it, it helps to process it.

Oh, bless you op. Perhaps she didn not want a hand, perhaps she wanted to do it on her own. Anyhow I dont think she would have thought you left her on her own. Exactly as you said, she would have thought you went to see your young children.

I know my dad waited until I had gone home to die. He knew I'd said my goodbyes

Its is very common thing

Your mum knew how much you loved her. Your a mum too. You know how you would feel if your daughter was exhausted and wanted to see her children. You wouldn't resent that. Youd be glad

I know my dad waited until I had gone home to die. He knew I'd said my goodbyes

Its is very common thing

Your mum knew how much you loved her. Your a mum too. You know how you would feel if your daughter was exhausted and wanted to see her children. You wouldn't resent that. Youd be glad

My mum died at home. I sat up with her all night and then went through to the living room and fell asleep for an hour or so.

When I went back through to the bedroom to check on her, she'd gone.

Go easy on yourself here OP.

Doctors say silly things sometimes - sorry to any doctors but I mean slightly thoughtless things because they are busy. Your mum died because she was 85. You sat tirelessly with her for days and had to go home because you have children.

Personally I think the reason people die when people are not there is quite simply because it is quiet. They don’t consciously choose to but the body somehow knows it is alone and can go through the dying process. This is why cats find a quiet spot, it is somehow necessary. I do not think your mum was conscious as such, yes she would have possibly been aware in some way of touch but not in the sense that you think. She would maybe have heard your voice all those days you were there. She would not necessarily have been able to comprehend words in the normal sense though, I don’t think (based on my experience sitting with an elderly relative who was dying).

Please do not think about the cross word you had with her. It is extremely hard at times having an elderly parent even though you love them and miss them when they go. You clearly did your best - and you did that really well.

Please don’t torture yourself OP. Grief is awful and irrational and your feelings are totally valid (even if not true). You are the prime example that no, kids don’t always come first. You proved that by being next to your mum, caring for her, making sure she ate and giving your all to her and being a fabulous daughter. You have nothing to blame yourself for and she is proud of you.

Please seek bereavement counseling. I was skeptical but it has really helped me (even though it is very tough).

I'm surprised her doctor said that it was stress that caused her collapse. She was 85 and needing help, it is possible that was just something that happened. Please don't hold any guilt about being unkind to her earlier in the day. You were there, you supported her, you rang the ambulance, you visited her in the hospital.
We don't know if she was aware of your touch and presence in the hospital - if she was, she would have felt it when you were there. You couldn't be there 24/7 for days. She wouldn't have wanted you to be.