Teen nephew death - how to support his parents?

[Biscuitzzz]

Have NC for privacy.

My darling nephew has suddenly died, aged 15, after collapsing at school last week.

My brother and his wife tried for years to have a baby and he was their only child.

My nephew was on life support but died over the weekend.

I live quite far away and my brother and sister in law don't want any messages, cards etc at the moment.

How can I support them in the future?

I'm sorry to say this, but I am haunted by the thought of that beautiful boy lying in rest and that he is gone forever and life will never be the same again for his parents and family.

His funeral is going to be so sad and harrowing - I hate to think of him being buried or cremated when he should be looking forward to the wonderful future he planned.

We all loved him so much.

I am so so sorry for your loss. I’m sorry I have no advice but couldn’t read and run 💙 lots of love to you all.

Sorry for your loss, support them in any way when the time is right. Remembering dates (birthdays / Christmas/ date of death etc). I have a friend who likes their family cards still to include their daughters name (it’s very much personal preference)

Actively being there in months to come. The hardest bit of grieve is everyone rallies around now and then in a few months people get on with their lives when yours is still. That’s the hardest bit for lot of people.

He was your nephew, don’t forget to grieve yourself.

Collect all suitable photos together as they will need some for the funeral- don’t send them until they ask.

write down memorable anecdotes on a card and give it to them after the funeral.

Their devastation will be such that there is nothing tangibly you can do to alleviate their suffering.

sorry for your loss x

Do some practical things for them. Ask them if they want you to deal with messages/communication etc
Be their human shield if they want you to be ...

Their needs and wants will change daily. Just let them know how much you love them

I'm so sorry my deepest condolences to you 😞 would you be visiting them soon? Just being there for them really helps, calls 🤙 if you can't go. Helping in any way you can as they're head will be all over the place so every little helps......sorry not sure what to say as it's such a difficult time for you all... Support them in any way possible ❤️

Don’t stop mentioning his name into the future (unless they tell you not to do that). My uncle sent my mum flowers every birthday and anniversary day for the rest of his life after my sister died - it was so thoughtful and appreciated. (Her birthdays and the anniversaries of her accident)

Can you go there and take them food?

I am so sorry for your loss.

We had a similar loss when I was a teen (my second cousin died by suicide) and there really were no words of comfort for his parents but being local there was practical help we could give.

I guess in the future you could continue to talk about and remember him with them. Recognise the anniversaries and his birthday as they'll need emotional support.

Having just been through something similar, the care others gave us, their generosity in time, words, actions got us through.

There isn't a right way to care for others, we accepted it all. It has really helped.

When the time is right, encourage them to access grief counselling.

And do it yourself OP.

Go to them. Stay in a hotel but be there. People don’t want to have to ask for help or to tell you what to do- that’s another job. They need their load lightening. The fog is unimaginable.

Don’t make this about your grief so they have to comfort and reassure you.

I found this poem very apt for the intense grief:

Hold me close and go away.
Please visit me and please don’t stay
Talk to me but please don’t speak
I need you now, come back next week
Emotions muddled, needs unknown
To be with others or on my own.
To scream out loud. To rant and shout.
Or hide away and push you out.
I smile at you, "shes not that bad" I shout at you, "shes going mad"
I speak to you, "what do I say?"
I show my tears, "quick, walk away"
Its not catching, the grief I feel
I cant pretend that its not real
I carry on as best I know
But this pain inside just wont go
So, true friends, please, accept the lot
I shout, I cry, I lose the plot
I don’t know what I need today
So hold me close and go away.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Big hugs

I have found this useful when trying to support people but feeling grief myself. Nothing as bad as this OP, I'm really sorry for your loss .

Basically it's that there is a hierarchy to grief and you shouldn't try to express your grief to those more affected, only outwards to people less affected (like us on mumsnet).

Sending you lots of support for the weeks and months to come OP. You sound like a lovely sister and auntie.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_(psychology)

I’m so so sorry about your nephew

my 15 month old niece died of SIDS 7 years ago. We took lots of advice and these were the most important things I took from the experience

go with what the parents want to feel - if they don’t want to talk - do force them
if they do want to talk then let them
if they want a day of being “happy” go with it

just be there and be supportive.

I always send flowers to my SIL on my nieces birthday and the anniversary of her death. My SIL has recently opened up and said that it means so much to her that she’s still remembered 💔

grief is awful but you just have to take it one day at a time

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply and I am so sorry to hear that some of you have endured tragedy too.

There are some great suggestions in your replies - thank you again.

Hello @Biscuitzzz, I just wanted to see how you are and say we have not forgotten your grief.

I had a teenage nephew die of cancer a long time ago. It is an unbearably difficult thing to process and deal with for all concerned.

His parents were very much the stoical types who had a life must go on attitude but they never wanted him to be forgotten or spoken about.

In the early years it was always a careful balance to know how often they wanted to talk about it but as the years went on things got easier and now discussions are always about the good memories rather than focusing on the awful suffering he went through at such a young age.

It’s hard to give definitive advice as it’ll be different in case but all I’d advise is to let the parents know you are there for a chat as often or as little as they feel they need.

I think acknowledge how bloody awful it is. Do practical care (food etc) if possible, but don't be upset if they tell you to stop. Be there for the long haul. Remember birthdays, anniversaries, and perhaps even stuff like when it would have been his GCSE or A-level results day, seeing as these things are inescapably everywhere in the media and on SM.

Those poor people, they must be so so bewildered.

Thank you so much. Things are very sad here, but my nephew's parents are getting lots of support m.

Thank you - yes, it is a dreadful time. I wish it were a bad dream and I could wake up. I feel so bad for my brother and his wife. It's just awful.

That is so sad about your nephew. Childhood cancer is so cruel.

Thank you so much. ☺️

We lost my husband's 16 year old son in Feb this year so I unforfortunately understand both your brother and SIL's position and yours

It is horrifically hard.

My honest stance is there isn't anything you can do beyond be there when they are ready. Follow their lead.

They will have good days and bad days (as will you). All you can do is be available.

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's son - so very young.

Yes, I think it is impossible to do much more than offer practical support (if the bereaved parents wish for it) and be there for them.

It's a case of being guided by them. Be ready to drop everything and be there for them when they are ready. The funeral will be horrible, but it's also the kind of nexus point you sit and wait for. Impossible to process the pain and grief until it's done.

We lost my sister suddenly and I distinctly remember feeling that the funeral would be the point that I could start to grieve once it was done. Partly because the practicalities of organising a funeral are so overwhelming.

We then lost our best friend to suicide a few months later and again, the funeral felt like the point we needed to reach.

All the help and support really felt welcome, but almost like background noise until my sister was laid to rest.

I'm not sure if that makes sense or not.

Thanks Moose - I'm sorry to hear about your tragedies.

I agree with you re funeral and taking guidance from my nephew's parents.

It's so sad, isn't it? It must have been a terrible time for you all