Teen nephew death - how to support his parents?

[Biscuitzzz]

Have NC for privacy.

My darling nephew has suddenly died, aged 15, after collapsing at school last week.

My brother and his wife tried for years to have a baby and he was their only child.

My nephew was on life support but died over the weekend.

I live quite far away and my brother and sister in law don't want any messages, cards etc at the moment.

How can I support them in the future?

I'm sorry to say this, but I am haunted by the thought of that beautiful boy lying in rest and that he is gone forever and life will never be the same again for his parents and family.

His funeral is going to be so sad and harrowing - I hate to think of him being buried or cremated when he should be looking forward to the wonderful future he planned.

We all loved him so much.

As someone who has lost a child. (A 13 week old boy to SIDS). Whatever people did in the beginning was a blur. Friends wrote me letters but it was too painful to read them and then they ignored me for a long time afterwards because they felt awkward. I would have liked regular check ins going forward. Eg a text once a month checking in.

My sister checked in regularly. I mean for several years. She sent flowers for anniversaries such as his birthday and the anniversary of the day he died. She let me know she was there when I needed her but did not ring me directly. She was amazing.

I personally got waves of grief/ panic overnight so if you feel you can cope with it say ring me any time of the day or night (only if you mean it - if you can't that's fine.)

Offer to keep things that they may want later. Keepsakes such as handprints etc (may not be relevant to a teenager but the hospital did it.)

Kind gestures such as a voucher for a garden centre so they can get a memorial tree but if you do it too early they won't know and won't be able to remember/ take in what you are saying.

Keep reaching out. The words don't really matter. Being repetitive won't matter.

Things like I'm here if you want to talk.
I have some photos for you if you want them in the future.
I can pack up the cards etc for you if you want me to?

Accept that a lot of what you say/ do they won't remember as their brains are so busy processing grief that they will struggle to remember things.

My sister made me a memory box of various things. It's in my loft and I can't look at it but I'm grateful she did it.

Offer to do normal things in the future. So in about 6 months time say x is on at the cinema would you like to see it (or whatever).

In the short term put things in the fridge like some milk/ yoghurts etc.

So sorry to hear about your nephew. I don't believe that things happen for a reason. I believe that sometimes awful things happen to good people and all you can do is try to support them and the people around you. Also take some time for you as my friend that came to the hospital with me ended up on anti depressants afterwards as she was so upset that my son had died.

How horrendous for all of you, I can't even imagine how you must feel. Especially tough when you want to reach out and show support in some way, but the bereaved parents need to be left alone for now. Think of it as a marathon, not a sprint - be responsive to what they want and when they want it. Be the person that's still there for them in the weeks and months after the funeral, when the initial wave of support starts falling away.

Give yourself space to process your own shock and grief too. You've suffered a terrible loss. I'm so sorry.

I've just read the update about your dad. I'm so sorry, what an awful time for you

I’m so sorry to read about your young nephew and today your Dad as well. I don’t have any words of advice but you have my deepest sympathy. Also others on here who lost such close family members. It’s unbearable.

So sorry to read your update today.

Thinking of you xx

@Biscuitzzz oh god, I am so sorry to hear that. Sending love and hugs! Reach out if there is anything we can do.

Oh my, I'm so very sorry to hear about your dad.

I don't know how to express my thoughts too well but you're in them.

Massive hugs I'm sorry for your losses.

Xxx

Speak to Child Bereavement UK. Lots of help in their website. If there is a local children's hospice make a referral for the family. They can offer long term bereavement support- probably much more support than you'd think.
Another charity online is SLOW ( surviving the loss of our world) run by bereaved parents.
Speak of your nephew often - never be afraid to talk about him. Sending strength and love

Thinking of you xxx

I'm so very sorry about your nephew and your dad. What an awful couple of losses.

Gosh, I am so sorry to read about you dad and nephew. Please lean on whoever you need to, you've been through so much. X

Thanks Daisy and huge condolences on the death of your baby boy. There is nothing crueller than the death of a child. Nothing. SIDS is so very cruel.

Your SIL sounds amazing.

Thank you again

Thanks all for your kind comments re my dad and nephew - I really appreciate it.

Oh hell, you must be reeling. Do you yourself have anyone to lean on, a husband or partner?

I do, thanks.

Im going to stay with my mum next week to help her out.

Thanks all

💐💐💐

I just saw your post about your dad, I am so sorry. Life can be so cruel. I hope
you are getting some support for you, the Drs or a charity as you have been through a lot x

Thanks so much.

It's all too much to take in. I am going to ask GP about bereavement counselling.

I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad💐. My GP was not particularly helpful - and advised me to access some online counselling, which after a quick survey referred me back to my GP. I accessed some counselling (very quickly and easily) via my employer, so that may be something to think about. Also worth checking if you have any medical/health insurance which might offer a few counselling sessions. Take care of yourself x

Thanks Taffy - I've found some helpful information on the Sue Ryder website.

Thanks so much

Maybe a Hello Fresh voucher so they don't have to think about meals, arrange a delivery of staple things like bread & milk. Offer to be a driver for them if you can. Make an album of photos & memories that they can have for after the funeral. Often the time after the funeral is the hardest time for someone who is bereaved, it is often expected that you will just go back to normal, but nothing will ever be normal again for them.

Excellent idea - was thinking of putting together an album

My 12 year old nephew was hit by a car and died a few days later in November last year. I found your post because I was looking for anyone in a similar position, with the death of a nephew or niece. I'm so sorry for your loss.

What I'm finding hard is navigating my own grief and also the grief I have on behalf of my sister. I want to protect her from the pain and support her but it's hard to know how. What would have been his 12th birthday is coming up in April. Some of the comments here are really helpful with ideas of how to provide ongoing support. She's not a flowers person but maybe I will still send a card he might have liked to mark the occasion. I have 2 boys, but one is a toddler and the other is 8 and she also has a 9 year old daughter. The three older children were so close and it's hard to work out how much to speak to my son and niece about my nephew. My niece is (rightly) getting loads of support from a sibling loss charity, but there isn't such a place for children who have lost a cousin.