Teen nephew death - how to support his parents?

[Biscuitzzz]

Have NC for privacy.

My darling nephew has suddenly died, aged 15, after collapsing at school last week.

My brother and his wife tried for years to have a baby and he was their only child.

My nephew was on life support but died over the weekend.

I live quite far away and my brother and sister in law don't want any messages, cards etc at the moment.

How can I support them in the future?

I'm sorry to say this, but I am haunted by the thought of that beautiful boy lying in rest and that he is gone forever and life will never be the same again for his parents and family.

His funeral is going to be so sad and harrowing - I hate to think of him being buried or cremated when he should be looking forward to the wonderful future he planned.

We all loved him so much.

It's awful and whilst we have been able to have the funeral we still don't have an official cause of death and no official death certificate. He would have been 17 next week and the inquest is scheduled for the week after so things are still not settled and dh doesn't feel like he can properly grieve yet.

You say your nephew died suddenly so I suspect the process will be similar if it was not expected. You will no doubt have questions. I am happy to help answer where I cam to help you support them if it helps you out.

We were assigned a specialist nurse who acts as a liaison with the coroner etc. Honestly she has been bent to useless at keeping dh informed but that is a whole other thread.

Honestly, you being there as a shoulder, someone to vent to woll be help enough. There is a fine line between offering sympathy and maintaining the status quo. DH found the sympathy hard to handle. He just wanted people to act normally around him as opposed to being all hugs and cups of tea and "sorry" if that makes sense. But every one is different.

If you are unsure ask them what they need, what you can do to help. They will appreciate that far more than people wading in and taking over. Everything will feel so out of control for them that they will cling to and be highly defensive of any perceived threat to that regardless of how well meaning.

@Biscuitzzz hope you are doing ok.

How are your brother and sil doing?

There is an excellent charity in South Wales called 2Wish Cymru... offers support to families after the sudden death of a child or young person. They are slowly starting to expand into areas of England too. Think they are just called 2 wish in England. The founder lost her own son and husband some years ago and set the charity up as there was so little support. Their website should have some helpful information even if you/they are not local. Sorry for your loss.

Hi there - thanks for thinking of me.

I'm still in shock but feel I am coping a bit better with that.

DB and SIL - I haven't heard from them, although I have sent a couple of messages. My dad says they are extremely shocked and grief stricken.

It still feels like a horrible dream.

It's a terrible time and it just seems so cruel.

Thanks Taffy - I will look that charity up.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan - can completely relate.

There will be an inquest with dnephew too. I hope we get some answers.

No news of funeral yet.

It's so sad and traumatic, isn't it? Just awful to live in this strange, new reality.

Sorry for your loss (and everyone else who’s suffered teen bereavement).

It's hideous. Our inquest has been postponed til March as the faulty ventilator on the ambulance hasn't been sent off for analysis so we are still in limbo.

Dh is in bits and I don't know how to help him.

From DH perspective, don't take their silence as anything personal. These next few weeks/months is purely about doing what they need to in order to survive. Just keep sending the odd message telling them you are there when they are ready etc. Whatever you are feeling their pain is infinitely more.

Acknowledge that it's awful and that there are no words, and just be available as and when.

If you need any anonymous support feel free to pm

Ihate - that's awful re the inquest.

Thanks so much for your kind words.

When this happened to Dh brother he just went there. They aren’t massively close and we were on holiday at the time but he just went in person. It turned out to be the to right thing to do. I don’t know though. God how sad.

Thank you so much 😊

Thank you. I'm sorry your family has been through similar.

It is so, so traumatic and heartbreaking. It keeps hitting me in waves.

I would agree with Thea that going is really a good thing to do.
when I also lost a sister there where friends who just turned up every day.. for months.
it was exactly what I needed.. when I didn’t even know what I needed.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself too - you e lost a nephew.

When my best friend died in her 20s (not the same as a child), I was the same. Didn't want any contact. My family sent me £200 of just eat vouchers. It was a godsend. They may not like this but you know them better than we do. Otherwise just take their lead. Don't contact them if they don't want it. DO NOT send flowers. This was the worst for me. The most important bit was them being there for me in the months and years to come.

To add, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Make sure you look after yourself also.

I'm so sorry about your friend - that must have been awful.

Totally agree with the flowers - that would not be appropriate, partly because it is a reminder of death when they die!

Thanks Luna - so sorry about your sister!

Thank you so much - he was my only nephew and I was so proud to be his auntie,

So so sorry for your loss

Thank you so much 😊

@Biscuitzzz how are you doing my lovely

Well, my dad died today - he had some health problems but it was still very unexpected.

Thanks so much for asking.

So sorry to hear this. Thinking of you all at this dreadful time.

I’m so sorry @Biscuitzzz what a terrible time for you xx