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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Nan died now mum annoyed at me

56 replies

Starfish125 · 27/08/2024 16:05

My nan unfortunately passed away yesterday and although expected it has still hit us all hard. However, today me and my mum are both just chilling in the lounge and we started talking about the wake, as I've made some calls and it's really expensive these days, and I dunno if that stressed her out because of cost, then I said a morning funeral would be best because no kids about etc to which she was a big huffy, she said I want an afternoon one like I want the kids at the wake etc I said well we'll see what they say we might not get a choice in the matter, like we didn't with my dads funeral, we had to be take what dates/times they had so not sure if that annoyed her....and then we was talking about the car like the one u get extra following behind and I was like I'm not sure if my DP and 1 year old being in the car is a great idea might be best if DP went in his car and followed us because baby could be crying etc as it goes drives really slowly I said that would be off-putting and where do we store the buggy? My mum was like it can go in the hearse boot I was like I don't think so?

Maybe that's what did it she suddenly got up was like right I'm off I need to go, I said why have u got the hump with me I thought we was just discussing stuff, she said I haven't I just need to go but she was banging about slamming doors I said oh see u then she said yeah and went!

I'm like hanging by a thread in terms of not getting upset and bursting into tears at every given moment and I know it's worse for her it's her mum of course but I also can't take this if it's gonna be like this I mean AIBU have I said something that would explain her reaction?

OP posts:

AnyThoughtsWelcome · 27/08/2024 16:07

You overstepped. It sounds like you were being controlling and self-focused about all the arrangements. Give her space to make the arrangements as she wishes - her needs come first - but let her know you’re there if she needs or wants any support and help with arrangements.

mnahmnah · 27/08/2024 16:07

Sorry for your loss. These times mean high emotions and I think you’re having a very detailed conversation too soon. Your mum just needs a day to grieve I think.

OneSparklyPeachDreamer · 27/08/2024 16:09

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Original poster

Starfish125 · 27/08/2024 16:09

Thank you both, I absolutely do not mean to appear controlling, just trying to be realistic about some things but I guess it's too early to be talking about such things

OP posts:

OneSparklyPeachDreamer · 27/08/2024 16:09

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saraclara · 27/08/2024 16:10

You were tactless and were focusing on your needs and not hers. She's the one who gets to call the shots here. And she's in the first 24 hours of grieving. She wasn't ready for this conversation, and you didn't pick up on that.

BodyKeepingScore · 27/08/2024 16:10

From the sounds of it, she was upset that you were trying to dictate the running of her own mums funeral to her. I can understand why she reacted the way she did. She'll have her own thoughts and feelings about what she'd like to see her mum off and you're going on about your own practicalities and what suits your child. That's quite insensitive

Maddy70 · 27/08/2024 16:10

She's grieving .
You also overstepped. All of this is her decision not yours. Back off a little. Offer suggestions when they are asked for dont volunteer them

HerewegoagainSS · 27/08/2024 16:12

It is such a difficult time OP. So sorry for your loss.
You are both so raw and emotions are running high. And sadly, families often snap and snarl and hurt each other when they are feeling this way because they know they can get away with it. I can identify a lot with your post. I am having therapy over being used as the emotional punchbag when my gran died last year. You are probably your mum’s safe person so she feels she can say what she wants, no filters.

You have gone into ultra organization mode because that is your way of coping. Feeling busy will take your mind off the rawness of what has happened. But this doesn’t always go down well.

Nicely, don’t make the funeral about your partner and child and what is best for them. He can take your kid off for the day if that’s what is best. Otherwise they have to fit in.

Original poster

Starfish125 · 27/08/2024 16:12

Thanks all, she was quite snippy with my uncle too (her brother) when he said he wanted something included, it's an emotional time for all I know but she wasn't the only one that loved her

OP posts:

TomatoSandwiches · 27/08/2024 16:12

I'd phone and apologise, let her know you can see how you should have taken a step back and let her know you love her and will wait for her to get back if she needs any help.

Sorry for your loss op.

Lamelie · 27/08/2024 16:13

The one and only screaming row I’ve ever had with my mum was when we were both grieving.
Take a breath. She’s the chief mourner.
This is useful
https://mentalhealthathome.org/2020/02/13/ring-theory/

Ring Theory: Comfort In, Dump Out - Mental Health @ Home

Ring theory, developed by psychologist Susan Silk, describes how to offer support during times of crisis or grief—comfort in, dump out.

https://mentalhealthathome.org/2020/02/13/ring-theory

SauviGone · 27/08/2024 16:13

Had it even been 24 hours yet?

This is her mother, why are you making calls having not been asked for your input?

If your mum wants an afternoon funeral, it’s an afternoon funeral (dates and times permitting).

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 27/08/2024 16:13

Her mum died yesterday. This is just too much for her. Give her a bit of time and don't bombard her with talk of arrangements. And don't try to take over and tell her what's going to happen.

Dinoswearunderpants · 27/08/2024 16:14

Stop trying to control things. Is your Mum the Executor/Next of Kin? if so, perhaps she just wants to feel in control of things. Offer to help but it sounds like you're trying to make decisions that best suit you.

Luddite26 · 27/08/2024 16:15

I agree about taking your car though. I didn't know you could put a pushchair in the boot of a hearse.
Hope you can sort it with her and sorry for your loss.

CC222 · 27/08/2024 16:15

I'm so sorry for your loss. Maybe take a step back in these conversations and ask what your mum would like, and give her some time to process things and think about arrangements.
Also, you can put the pram in the funeral car. At my dads funeral last year, I had my baby in the car seat in one of the cars following the hearse, and the pram in the boot. They helped me get it in and out at each stop. (Funeral home, church, cemetery and wake location). They can accommodate. You should travel how you most feel comfortable but if it's just the logistics of baby equipment putting you off, then I can assure you it will be fine.
I hope you can come together and sort the arrangements out without any conflict. These are difficult times and maybe your mum just needs a bit of time to think about what she wants. She has lost her mum, she should get to make the decisions x

Original poster

Starfish125 · 27/08/2024 16:15

SauviGone · 27/08/2024 16:13

Had it even been 24 hours yet?

This is her mother, why are you making calls having not been asked for your input?

If your mum wants an afternoon funeral, it’s an afternoon funeral (dates and times permitting).

Her and my uncle said they wanted help so I offered to do the 'wake' side of things, I don't want to take over at all, I haven't mentioned a single thing about the order of service etc only that a morning funeral would be better but that we might not get a choice anyway

OP posts:

MonsteraMama · 27/08/2024 16:15

Mate she lost her mother yesterday. Now really isn't the time to nitpick and contradict everything she suggests while trying to plan her mum's funeral.

I appreciate that you and your uncle loved your nan too and have lost someone too, but for god's sake give the woman some grace. If it's ever understandable to be "snippy" it's when you're less than 24 hours from the death of your mum!

OneSparklyPeachDreamer · 27/08/2024 16:16

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SauviGone · 27/08/2024 16:17

only that a morning funeral would be better

For you, yes.

Mistralli · 27/08/2024 16:18

Don't take to heart anything said in the depths of deep grief. Families do get very difficult at this time. Your mum isn't annoyed with you, she's grieving.

Fluffythefish · 27/08/2024 16:18

Sorry for your loss. Are you in Ireland/N. Ireland? I know that funerals often happen much quicker there than in England/Scotland/Wales and so arrangements have to be thought about as soon as someone has died. I hope you and your mum sort things out. Be gentle with each other in your grief

OneSparklyPeachDreamer · 27/08/2024 16:18

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Original poster

Starfish125 · 27/08/2024 16:19

SauviGone · 27/08/2024 16:17

only that a morning funeral would be better

For you, yes.

Well yes I have 3 children and I don't particularly want them at a wake all day, that is my choice, the rest is hers of course! As I say it was just a discussion!

OP posts:

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