Nan died now mum annoyed at me

[Starfish125]

My nan unfortunately passed away yesterday and although expected it has still hit us all hard. However, today me and my mum are both just chilling in the lounge and we started talking about the wake, as I've made some calls and it's really expensive these days, and I dunno if that stressed her out because of cost, then I said a morning funeral would be best because no kids about etc to which she was a big huffy, she said I want an afternoon one like I want the kids at the wake etc I said well we'll see what they say we might not get a choice in the matter, like we didn't with my dads funeral, we had to be take what dates/times they had so not sure if that annoyed her....and then we was talking about the car like the one u get extra following behind and I was like I'm not sure if my DP and 1 year old being in the car is a great idea might be best if DP went in his car and followed us because baby could be crying etc as it goes drives really slowly I said that would be off-putting and where do we store the buggy? My mum was like it can go in the hearse boot I was like I don't think so?

Maybe that's what did it she suddenly got up was like right I'm off I need to go, I said why have u got the hump with me I thought we was just discussing stuff, she said I haven't I just need to go but she was banging about slamming doors I said oh see u then she said yeah and went!

I'm like hanging by a thread in terms of not getting upset and bursting into tears at every given moment and I know it's worse for her it's her mum of course but I also can't take this if it's gonna be like this I mean AIBU have I said something that would explain her reaction?

You overwhelmed her.
Then added in extra stress about how expensive it would be, not wanting kids there (or something) and the chat about cars and push chairs.

It's too much. Let her breathe.

What did I miss?

True colours there!!!!!

Any decent mum would put her children's needs first, I don't want them around people being upset

Thanks all for the replies I've clearly been quite unreasonable I've txt her but she's not replied if not I'll call her later

Your mum lost a parent less than 24 hours ago and you’re pecking her head to make sure funeral arrangements suit you.

If you can’t see what you’ve done wrong there’s no help for you.

Gently I think YABU. If your mum wants an afternoon one then that should surely be doable, and even if you didn’t think it likely could you say at least that you’d try? When it comes to these things I’d try and accommodate what your mum wants, even if you think it’s not ideal. I mean, you could definitely ask about the buggy? I’m sure it’s not the first time they’ve had to transport a buggy as well?

So maybe next time you’re chatting, maybe go for “I’ll certainly try”? I realise it sounds like it’ll make things more stressful for you, but if you can, I think I’d aim to keep the peace and accommodate her wishes where at all possible. My sincere condolences though, you’re grieving too and this can’t be easy.

No. No, they really don't. Your mum has lost her mum. You and your children fit around her needs. If her needs don't suit you or the children, you make other arrangements for your kids.

Yes, you loved your GM too. But it just isn't the same.

Her mother, her decision (unless your Nan was not a widow). Leave her be, it's devastating losing your mother, irrespective of how old you are when it happens.

The practicalities don't need to kick in until the undertakers have a date for the funeral. You can however research venues etc so that you have things ready when needed.

I can see how it's happened, but by your description you've been very focused on your needs and what works for you, and your mum is a bit of an afterthought.

Saying that she should put you first when her Mum has just died is quite cruel, even parents need to focus on themselves sometimes, moreso in times of overwhelming grief.

Your job at the moment is to sit and listen to your mum and comfort her. You then get comfort from your partner or friends and they listen to you.

It's so soon, just be gentle with her op.

Sorry for your loss.

My mum has replied and all is well. She is annoyed at my uncle too but that is just siblings wanting different things.

Just to clarify I have never once said I come first in this matter, I have stipulated my children always come first with ME and of course if we have an afternoon slot then I'll arrange alternative childcare, it was just a discussion (to me) whether a morning one would suit best all round but as I stated I have never once dictated what will happen as it's not my say, despite what some of the control people here seem to think I think I have.

Saying that she should put you first when her Mum has just died is quite cruel

Classic Mumsnet.

If u go to my previous replies you'll see I wasn't acting horrified to see that people were in fact stating I was being unreasonable, I genuinely wanted an opinion as I wasnt sure what happened in that situation between us but then to have it turned around that I am telling my grieving mother my needs come first, when it was in fact a general discussion, just shows how mental and cruel Mumsnetters can really be.

Jesus Christ. Never seen such a lack of self awareness!

OP. Back right off. You sound controlling and a little me me me. Not surprised your mum snapped at you. I'd be telling you to do one. Didn't sound like a general discussion at all. Sounded like you wanted your needs met as a priority 24 hrs after her Mum has died. Just wow.

Op please ignore the judgemental comments. Grief is terrible and your Mum is suffering as are you. Just be gentle with one another. I hope all the arrangements go well.

She's planning her own mother's funeral! Cut her some slack, support her in whatever she needs, come together in shared grief, don't judge. Let her make the decisions.

Are you okay?

This.

You're making it all about you. Do whatever your mum wants and arrange your life around it. Stop pressuring her.

you are all grieving .. it’s too soon - your mum can’t cope with anyone’s requests / needs ..

you are going through fine details.

As for children - I remember going to a couple of relatives funerals - it was at a time women / children didn’t attend - honestly I had a lovely time .. I remember one lots of nice memory stories , I got fizzy pop - a rare treat .

IME as an adult too - the funeral itself are full of emotions . The wakes are lovely .. I definitely wouldn’t be concerned how long wake goes on for