Nan died now mum annoyed at me

[Starfish125]

My nan unfortunately passed away yesterday and although expected it has still hit us all hard. However, today me and my mum are both just chilling in the lounge and we started talking about the wake, as I've made some calls and it's really expensive these days, and I dunno if that stressed her out because of cost, then I said a morning funeral would be best because no kids about etc to which she was a big huffy, she said I want an afternoon one like I want the kids at the wake etc I said well we'll see what they say we might not get a choice in the matter, like we didn't with my dads funeral, we had to be take what dates/times they had so not sure if that annoyed her....and then we was talking about the car like the one u get extra following behind and I was like I'm not sure if my DP and 1 year old being in the car is a great idea might be best if DP went in his car and followed us because baby could be crying etc as it goes drives really slowly I said that would be off-putting and where do we store the buggy? My mum was like it can go in the hearse boot I was like I don't think so?

Maybe that's what did it she suddenly got up was like right I'm off I need to go, I said why have u got the hump with me I thought we was just discussing stuff, she said I haven't I just need to go but she was banging about slamming doors I said oh see u then she said yeah and went!

I'm like hanging by a thread in terms of not getting upset and bursting into tears at every given moment and I know it's worse for her it's her mum of course but I also can't take this if it's gonna be like this I mean AIBU have I said something that would explain her reaction?

OP just hang back a bit and let it happen. Just be led by your mum and uncle and only bring it up if they specifically bring it up. There's plenty you can be doing for her to help - make sure she's got shopping in etc. you can also get on with making your own arrangements - putting together outfits for the children, or putting together some pictures of your grandma etc.

It's a difficult time but be led by them.

A 1 year old can not go in the black car
No car seat

Any decent adult son or daughter would put their own needs aside and drop everything to support their grieving parent.

Probably too soon to be having such a detailed conversation and your mum was overwhelmed. But I have a slightly different take here due to my own family dynamics. None of what you said was unreasonable or untrue - the reality is, you can't always pick when funeral directors/venues are available and you (and maybe other grandchildren) are managing small children and that can't just be entirely forgotten about. It just wasn't great timing and probably your mum wasn't ready to hear about any obstacles to the kind of send off she has in her mind that she wants for her mother.

My Da went into this mode after my Granda died, the whole funeral had to be his way and any input from anyone else was unwanted. He booked a mid week funeral and expected the kids to come - they were 5 and 8 and I felt they were too young (both are ND as well). I brought them to the wake after school, but everyone was pissed as farts by 6pm and we were all in school/work next day. My Da didn't speak to me for a month because we left after a couple of hours. The younger one was at the end of his tolerance for big, noisy gatherings. My family are Irish, wakes can go on a long time and they do get drunk and rowdy - drunken family arguments and crying fits are not uncommon when it gets into the last few hours. Not suitable for young kids.

My Da's "my way or the high way" approach also meant he booked a church that was not wheelchair accessible at the time, which meant one of my great aunts couldn't get in. But he wouldn't listen when I asked if he'd checked accessibility and he refused for her to attend with a carer because he didn't want a stranger outside the family coming.

I agree that it's completely right that for the most part, the children and not the grandchildren get their way when it comes to these things. However, if they are unable to consider anything other than themselves and their own grief, then they will have to accept others' participation may be limited.

Hopefully this is just a matter of timing and your mum will have more capacity to think about practical stuff in a week or so.