Funerals- what do you wish you'd known?

[Treesnbirds]

My lovely MIL died unexpectedly last year, she didn't leave a will, but DH found some notes on her laptop which described what sort of funeral she wanted, details of flowers and food for all afterwards.

We found this so comforting and so helpful. The only thing was there was no suggestion of music, which she really loved. We ended up guessing, and I'm not totally sure we got it right really 😕.

It doesn't really matter now, but just wondering what people have found helpful /unhelpful in this situation as we are planning to rewrite our wills soon.

TIA

Dh didn't give any ideas. Tbh that was fine for me as I'm quite controlling it was a tragic death and it was helpful to be able to plan it how I thought would help ds and I. I don't know if he would have liked it tbh.

I think the approach of just giving some ideas is a good one - you can't know what the circumstances will be at the time. Like you might want to have Sailing by Rod Stewart or something but die in a shipwreck...

My FIL died and he was just short of 60 years of marriage to my MIL and they never discussed death or funeral plans. Or that’s what my MIL said, thinking about it now she did always like to get her own way. Music again with us. MIL said he loved You’ll Never Walk Alone but we knew it was a song he couldn’t stand. We ended up asking MIL what their first dance at their wedding was to and we picked that.

I used to be a funeral arranger and if someone was coming in to take out a pre-paid funeral plan, the sort of thing we suggested they consider noting included:

• what music they'd like, especially going in/coming out of crem/church
• any poems or readings or hymns
• is there a particular crematorium or church where they'd like the service held
• did they want to allow anyone to visit them in the chapel of rest
• if cremation, what did they want done with their ashes
• did they want people to send flowers, or would they rather have donations to a favoured charity
• did they have any favourite clothes they'd like to be dressed in
• what tone would they like the service to take eg a celebration of life, small and understated etc
• would they prefer mourners to dress in traditional dark clothing or perhaps wear something bright or a particular colour

Another helpful thing to do is leave a brief synopsis of your life history. I've recently had to organise my DH funeral and, although he'd mentioned certain things about his childhood, it was hard trying to remember everything when writing his eulogy.

I went to the funeral of someone I know a couple of years ago, where the lady who died (suddenly and unexpectedly) had planned all her funeral several years before.

She had done it because she found it so difficult trying to think what her Mum's funeral should include, and didn't want her dh to have to struggle through that if she died before him, or her dc if she went second.

It was actually a lovely service, and very 'her'. Lots of music that she had loved.

Thanks so much for your reply. I'm so sorry to hear about your DH. ♥️
Yes, I love this idea of just giving thoughts about what we might want, rather than being too rigid. We will definitely incorporate that. Thank you.

This sounds like you managed a tricky situation really well! That's what I want to avoid. I think it's so much better if there's something even briefly written to go by. Thanks for your reply.

Wow! This is incredibly helpful!! So many things I would not have thought of, clothes especially! We have 4 children and I can imagine expecting them all to agree on these things may be asking for trouble, thank you so much for sharing this info. I am so sorry to hear about your husband. ♥️ Life details is such a good point. Thank you ♥️

Definitely helpful if you have an idea of what they would like.

My MIL died very suddenly but she had often discussed her funeral over Sunday lunch .... cue lots of eye rolling from the teens and accusations of 'bringing the mood down', but I made a note on my phone on one occasion. I was so glad I did as we had the music she wanted and a particular coffin (which was rather unusual!). It just made a difficult time slightly easier.

I need to do the same!

That is such a helpful post @2Old2Tango

Oh this is so interesting! That sounds lovely That's what I'm wondering, how much to say.... is it better to almost plan/ organise as much as possible beforehand or is it better to just leave some guidelines...? Sometimes it's helpful to have something to focus on after a death. I suppose either way there would still be plenty to do. Thanks for your reply.

DH gave me no plans for his so we went with what felt right. I think we got it just right and it represented him well.

Ah brilliant! That's so good you made notes. Also good really that she was vocal about it. Some people don't want to think about these things at all, which is also completely understandable. ♥️

Funeral directors are lovely to you, whilst they secretly tot up how much money they are making.

I wish I had known how expensive a funeral is and how they charge you for any extras they offer.

Some great suggestions, but I think that the most important thing to remember is that funerals are for the living, whatever helps my immediate family achieve peace/closure is what I’d want for mine. If indeed they want a funeral, I believe direct cremations are increasingly popular, and I can’t say I’d have any particular objections to that.
I do know I’d prefer cremation, hate the thought of burial, and where I’d like to be scattered, apart from that they can please themselves!

I'm so sorry to hear about your DH. ♥️
That's really great that you did that for him and I'm sure you knew better than anyone what he would want. Great that you can feel satisfied that you did that for him so well. ♥️

We mostly felt that about my MIL, though, like I say, not completely sure about the music.

Oh dear, I can well imagine this situation. I think there should be guidelines about transparent pricing for all aspects of funerals.

The last thing you want in this situation is a shockingly high bill at the end. 😢 So sorry this happened to you. ♥️

My mum and dad have always said "just go to the filing cabinet and pull out the one saying funerals" then 2 years ago my dad died and we went to the file and all that was on the bit of paper "x crematorium" 🤦‍♀️ didn't help in the slightest! Plus due to special circumstances he couldn't have his cremation there. I've told my mum to update hers especially with music etc but she just keeps telling me to make it as cheap as possible. I have to say though they have a coop funeral plan each and it really was such a help when it happened!

This is a good point. I've heard the same about direct cremation, but I do wonder about the positives of funerals, however hard it brings the opportunity of bringing people together.

My Dad has said he doesn't want a funeral and I don't think I feel completely comfortable with that for some reason. 😕 I think I agree with you, that those left behind should at least in part do what they feel is right. Just so long as all are in agreement I guess!

Oh no!! I thought you were going to say it was all planned and organised! Oh how difficult. That's a good plan for your mum to update hers.

Also good about the co op funeral plan, that's interesting, I will look into that, thank you ♥️.

It is really helpful to have some idea of music, readings, whether they want flowers etc.

We didn't know any of this for FIL, Dh was the only family member with similar tastes to FIL and got quite upset at what got chosen.

If you can buy a funeral plan it really helps. DF had one, it meant we knew exactly how much he had intended to spend on his funeral and if he hadn't bought it he didn't want it.

My DM has bought a direct cremation, she says she does not want her money wasted on sandwiches for hangers on!

We’re currently planning FILs funeral and it’s been a complete fest. MIL won’t budge on the music (even though FIL hated one of the singers), BIL just objects to everything and my wife is totally floundering with it.

I’m just ploughing on and I figure if I plan it at least FIL will have a service with everyone there that he loved (and if he had any specific preferences the stubborn old sod should have written them down!).

Thats one thing DW and I have made a decision on - we’ve bought two copies of a book called “Fuck it I’m dead, everything you need to know when I’m gone” that we’re filling in with all our info and details. It’s basically a funeral and post death planner so everything is in one place.

@MaitlandGirl this sounds very like FIL's funeral.

Think someone who liked v specific recordings of Bach and the family pick Celine Dion.

In the end I told DH to just let them do it and go home and have a session by himself playing DFIL's records.

Just a note on direct cremations.
We have had two in the family in the last couple of years and in both cases had a "gathering" at their home a few weeks later where a family member spoke, we had lots of photos and family and friends got together and talked about them. This gave us the same focus as a funeral would have. It worked for us and stopped the stress of a service.
(Not anti funeral, DF had a service at crematorium with immediate family followed by a celebration service in the church he attended for most of his life -that was right for him)

Yes, I agree that funerals are at times helpful with the grieving process. I think maybe as it gives you something to do, to focus on. Making unimportant decisions about flowers/cars/music maybe what the grieving person needs?

And all the more complicated if there are rival grieving parties! I know one of DH’s siblings will sit back and wait for a decision to be made, and then want the opposite! Families!

OP, I hate to be morbid but be very careful re viewing in the chapel of rest. I wish I’d had someone warn me about that. If there’s any inkling of doubt, do not go. By all means speak to the staff about it, but I think this is an aspect of funerals that isn’t necessarily talked about.