Funerals- what do you wish you'd known?

[Treesnbirds]

My lovely MIL died unexpectedly last year, she didn't leave a will, but DH found some notes on her laptop which described what sort of funeral she wanted, details of flowers and food for all afterwards.

We found this so comforting and so helpful. The only thing was there was no suggestion of music, which she really loved. We ended up guessing, and I'm not totally sure we got it right really 😕.

It doesn't really matter now, but just wondering what people have found helpful /unhelpful in this situation as we are planning to rewrite our wills soon.

TIA

Wow, that's such a good point, -that in a funeral plan you can even state the money to spend! We completely guessed this with MIL and flowers, it was pulling a figure out of the air really.

Really glad you had that guidance. Thanks for your reply!

It really is a tricky one. My DF died and left no instructions of his wishes. We had a small funeral as it was in covid times (which he would have wanted and preferred). DM was distraught and struggled to make any decisions. I helped her chose some songs that I remember him singing along to when he was younger and happier (but these didn’t mean anything to DSIS or DBRO).

On the one hand it is easier if you specify everything in detail as it takes away the guess work and removes the potential for any arguments and disagreements but on the other hand organising it with some loose guidelines may help give closure to those left behind. I guess it depends on you and your family dynamics.

DH has end stage cancer and he won’t be even discuss the matter says he doesn’t care about it he’s not bothered. No doubt his birth family will have strong opinions on the matter (so it would help me to have some guidance to avoid any disputes) as I will be upset and thinking about DD and DS. Whereas, I would like to plan mine to make it easier for DD and DS (one less thing for them to think about).

This is a great point, thank you. I like this idea much more. I wonder if this will become more the way things go.
I really like the 'celebration of life' idea. Thank you for your message.

Thank you so much for this. I have always wondered whether I would do this, (if the option is there). I will remember this, thank you. ♥️

Please make sure if you’re having a gathering after that there is an option for alcohol - no need to pay for it yourself but an option for people to raise a toast to their friend or whatever.

also - more practically; remember underwear when choosing clothes for the deceased. If you don’t, no one will ask you later and you’ll send them off commando! The funeral director may well remind you tactfully in advance but boxers / knicker are something people forget.

@user98265567843
"Yes, I agree that funerals are at times helpful with the grieving process. I think maybe as it gives you something to do, to focus on. Making unimportant decisions about flowers/cars/music maybe what the grieving person needs?

And all the more complicated if there are rival grieving parties! I know one of DH’s siblings will sit back and wait for a decision to be made, and then want the opposite! Families!"

Yes! It's such a tricky path to tread isn't it? That sounds really frustrating.
I don't know whether to go for lots of detail to avoid conflicting ideas of what I 'would have wanted' or less set information to allow those who are left to have some control and something to focus on 😕. I'm really not sure which is best.

Maybe good to leave wishes but also state that they aren't set in stone... not sure...

Oh no, sorry to hear that, it sounds awful 😞. I think your advice to do that was a good idea. Sometimes it's not worth the fight, especially at such difficult times.

Thank you for this! Alcohol a good idea and I'd never have thought about underwear!
Just added that to the list

We’re going to the funeral directors today with FILs underwear!! He’s got everything else, just no pants 😁

Honestly it’s a laugh or cry situation - I’ve been far too involved in his underwear choices these past few days.

I hear what you are saying, but I think that can only work if you believe the person is only going to be missed by immediate family.

I've been to many funerals where there have been over 100 people there. You can't do that in someone's front room.
I very much believe in the concept of a celebration of the person's life being the main focus of whatever service or ceremony you have, and I agree that funerals are really for those left behind.

Although it was me that posted about how lovely my friend's pre-planned funeral was, I wouldn't want to leave rigid details myself, as things change in your life. You could become part of a faith group, or you could leave one - which would make a huge difference to arrangements. You could die suddenly, quite young, or you could outlive all your peers, both of which would makes a difference to the numbers likely to want to attend the funeral. In our family, we talk about things we'd like / wouldn't like quite openly, so everyone would be aware if I got hit by the proverbial bus tomorrow, but no-one would feel their hands were tied by me writing out an exact list.

Questions my DM answered which were helpful:

• cremation or burial?
• where to be buried/scattered
• where the service/commemoration should be
• readings/music she particularly liked
• who she wanted to be there (obviously funerals are open to anyone but it meant we didn’t miss important people)
• preferences relating to the refreshments after (a proper cup of tea was requested!)

That level of detail won’t work for everyone but it was amazingly reassuring for us in a v sad time.

If it's not a religious funeral, a good celebrant is gold dust.

@NewName24 definitely horses for courses. I was just trying to point out that a direct cremation doesn't mean you can't congregate and mourn/remember/celebrate.

For some people relieving the pressure of a formal service is valuable. DM would have struggled with order of service, eulogy, arrangements without sibling and I making suggestions/decisions/doing some of the writing. DF had left some bare bones guidance which helped, but making it a rounded service that reflected Dad as he deserved took a bit more.

@MaitlandGirl
😄♥️ oh I really hope that went ok! Sorry to hear of your loss. Underwear is something I would literally never have thought of. Thanks for your message. ♥️

This is lovely to hear. I'm glad it was such a help. Seems similar to our situation though with a bit more detail. I was surprised by how important those details felt. This is what I'm going to do, write the ideas down then they can take them or leave them I think.

I couldn't agree more! We had such a lovely woman who even rang round the family to get a picture of my MIL beforehand. I know she would have very much approved, although they never met.
Thanks for your message.

To be fair, the same applies of the presbyter, at a religious service.

It makes a HUGE difference if the person who has died is known to the person leading the service / ceremony, but a good celebrant or faith leader can make the world of difference to a service.

My best friend died in 98, I went the undertakers to say goodbye, she'd gone, her body was there but it was just an empty shell. She was just 50, still miss her.

That a funeral is optional, not compulsory. You can just follow the basic legal requirements when someone dies and ignore everything else, if you wish.

Stipulating a wish that a funeral service should be small/limited numbers only can be incredibly awkward for family members to carry out. It requires family members who are processing their grief to make decisions about where to draw the line in terms of who can come and who cannot, and then communicate that decision to numerous folk who might otherwise quite reasonably have expected to attend.

Think about pall-bearers. In some parts of the UK it is normal to have family carry the coffin out of the church and into the graveyard, whereas some areas the funeral directors (and indeed family) are really thrown by this. My Scottish family all expect to do this, and are sadly well-practiced at it, and were very upset when the funeral directors in south east England resisted it.

It’s been nearly six months since we lost my lovely Dad. My thoughts on his funeral….sorry if long and rambling.

Laughing at the underwear comments - my brother was horrified when I asked the lady at the undertakers about this. She replied, “if Dad wore pants in life, we’ll make sure he wears them now”! She’d clearly been asked before!

I did go to see my Dad at the chapel of rest. I was with him at the end in hospital, which will always stay with me. He’d been so frail and poorly towards the end of his life that I thought it might help to see him dressed smartly (he was buried in his uniform) and at peace. Unfortunately the viewing was 3 weeks after he died, his features didn’t look right and his hair was all wrong. I can’t honestly say that I’ve been deeply affected because it just didn’t feel like it was him. He just wasn’t there, if that makes any sense.

I truly didn’t know how I would get through the funeral and wake ( or “reception” as it seems to be called nowadays). Yes, it was heartbreaking and overwhelming but it felt that we had given him the send off he wanted and that is a comfort. Luckily we knew Dad’s wishes as he was a morbid old soul who often spoke about it!

My one regret about the funeral is that we didn’t ask someone to take the names of all the mourners at the church. There were so many people at the service who didn’t come to the wake and you obviously can’t take in who is in church on the day. We’d never organised a funeral before and it was only something we thought of afterwards when we doing the “thank yous” and acknowledgements.

My Nana was sitting up in bed planning her funeral the week before she passed (terminal diagnosis). The family just upped the number of sandwiches she thought we would need.

My grandma prepaid her funeral and my mum said that it made life so easy she bought cremations for her and my dad.

There were still things we were not sure about when she passed even though she had been given 6 months and lasted about 2.5 years.

It makes a HUGE difference if the person who has died is known to the person leading the service / ceremony, but a good celebrant or faith leader can make the world of difference to a service.

So true.

The last funeral I went to was at a 7 day Adventist church, the deceased had worshiped at a small church but the funeral was at the bigger main church.

The service was conducted by three pastors, one from the small church who had known her for decades.

One thing I thought was lovely was that various members of the family spoke about the deceased.

My one regret about the funeral is that we didn’t ask someone to take the names of all the mourners at the church. There were so many people at the service who didn’t come to the wake and you obviously can’t take in who is in church on the day. We’d never organised a funeral before and it was only something we thought of afterwards when we doing the “thank yous” and acknowledgements.

I'm in NZ and it's fairly standard here to have a book for people attending the funeral to sign on their way in to the service.

One thing I thought was lovely was that various members of the family spoke about the deceased.

That's also fairly standard here.