Funerals- what do you wish you'd known?

[Treesnbirds]

My lovely MIL died unexpectedly last year, she didn't leave a will, but DH found some notes on her laptop which described what sort of funeral she wanted, details of flowers and food for all afterwards.

We found this so comforting and so helpful. The only thing was there was no suggestion of music, which she really loved. We ended up guessing, and I'm not totally sure we got it right really 😕.

It doesn't really matter now, but just wondering what people have found helpful /unhelpful in this situation as we are planning to rewrite our wills soon.

TIA

Yep. I was adamant it was direct cremation but when my bairn died I was essentially bullied into a funeral. All the crap that's on this thread was trotted out, funerals are for the living/it helps with the grieving process/ we don't feel comfortable with that etc. It doesn't, it was traumatic and I'm furious with everyone (who incidentally I haven't seen again since) for giving in.

So I'm going to add, don't be a selfish fucker and force someone to have a funeral for their significant death and if the deceased didn't want one then respect it.

@Lemonadelime can I just pick up on this point. I know several Undertakers, well enough to be blunt with them. Have been involved in both my parents funerals. I would ask any Undertaker if the body was suitable for viewing and I would heed the Undertakers words. If the Undertaker advises AGAINST viewing, then don't go against them. Far safer to have a memory of them in life than a tortuous last memory of them in the coffin. Mum died first and was cremated, some time later Dad died and was buried. His last night pre-funeral was spent in his open wicker coffin in the front room of his farmhouse with Mum's ashes in with him. Because we wanted him at home our Family Undertaker did advise embalming..which was done.

DH is very frail so we have talked about these things. I think it will be a direct cremation, then a requiem Mass with the urn/pouch/box. Our lovely parish priest is happy to do this.

💐 for you and your lovely friend. I felt the same when I saw my grandpa - he wasn’t there it was just a shell of his body left.

I found it quite comforting in a way.

My mum was religious, my sibling and I are not at all, so it was really helpful that she planned her own funeral hymns and a reading and prayer that she wanted. She also gave the reason for a particular prayer which made it more poignant.

She wasn't into music so didn't choose anything. We chose that ourselves by googling funeral songs and finding ones about nature and birds (things she loved).

She was very specific about what she wanted done with her ashes, so that was very helpful too.

These things weren't in her will but she wrote them down a few years before she died.

You could go further and actually design your own order of service with photos and songs poems etc, and ask your loved ones to use that as a guide.

You really can do it yourself. Both parents, we paid for the preparation of the body, transport to woodland burial ground and actually burial. Actual funeral ceremony was at home. No celebrant but music and readings from family.

So sorry I somehow missed this message. I know words don't necessarily help, but I'm so sorry to hear about your DH 💔

I agree that it can be really difficult if someone doesn't want to discuss it.
We've had that twice, but actually both times everyone was more or less in agreement regarding what they would want so it worked out ok.

Really hope that is how it goes for you.
Thanks for your message ♥️.

This is such a good point. Maybe in this instance people should provide the list of names. Very difficult.

This. See the person at / just after death by all means and say farewell. I’d encourage that but chapel I’d rest viewings are very different ( and I say that as someone who’s worked with funeral directors etc ).

funeral directors are lovely people though I’ve never met one who wasn’t just the kindest most profession person

Helpful: telling your loved ones where to find the plan, give a few ideas but add the phrase or use your discretion (or similar)

Unhelpful: long list of obscure music, poems etc and demanding a certain celebrant takes it (who may be retired or dead when your time comes. Asking for a certain church when you have no connection to it (happens a lot)

My mum died last month and we had her cremated with just five immediate family members there - no music, open coffin and we just chatted around her for 30 minutes and then they covered her and took her away for the cremation. Next month we are having a celebration of life event for friends and the rest of the family - this has given us time to prepare properly and make it the way we think she would have wanted.

@Helenloveslee4eva
"See the person at / just after death by all means and say farewell. I’d encourage that but chapel I’d rest viewings are very different ( and I say that as someone who’s worked with funeral directors etc ).

funeral directors are lovely people though I’ve never met one who wasn’t just the kindest most profession person"

Thank you for this. I saw my MIL just after she died and that felt natural and ok and actually helpful in understanding that she'd gone, but I've always been a bit scared of chapel of rest viewings, it's good to be told that it's a different thing, thank you ♥️

Yes! Really well put. This is what I've been struggling with, where to draw the line between helpful / controlling. This is a great idea, thank you

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum.
This sounds like a lovely balance between an intimate time for those closest to her and then the wider event later on.
I hope that goes really well. ♥️ Thank you for your response.

We buried my FIL on Friday and it went really well.

In hindsight we should have involved his sister and her sons more rather than just focusing on his role as husband, dad, grandad. I was really upset when I realised we’d forgotten that he was a brother and uncle as well. There’s no excuse and I’ve already apologised.

We had a 45min service booked at the crem and it seemed like ages but it really wasn’t. BIL rambled on in his eulogy and it was very stressful wondering if we’d get through everything or run out of time.

So my advice if you have a specific length of time you can’t go over is don’t allow anyone to use ‘bullet points’ for their eulogy. Make sure eveything is written out in full so that everything can be timed fully.

Also, with a photo slideshow done through PowerPoint a 1second transition with 4seconds per slide is the perfect length of time. We used Photograph by Ed Sheeran and had 51 slides in total which worked really well.