Direct Cremation - no chapel of rest

[ERN79]

My Mum is looking into arranging a direct cremation for when she passes away.
Whilst I'm not averse to not having a funeral, I'm struggling with the fact that I won't be able to visit her in a chapel of rest.
For those who have experience of a direct cremation, how long are you able to spend with the deceased person before they are taken away?
Do you regret not arranging a normal funeral? Have you felt it easier to greive not having to struggle through a funeral?
I would appreciate people's thoughts.

I recently organised a direct cremation for my mum. When I organised it I felt comfortable with it, especially as I was able to be with my mum in the hospital when she died.

However, things changed for me when I was given the cremation date and location. I suddenly felt that I wanted to send her off. This turnaround surprised me as I'd been comfortable with it, and I'd been posting on MN direct cremation threads saying what a good option it is. (I still do think it's a good option)

I was able to change plans and so I added on time for a small service in the chapel.

A friend of mine recently lost her mum and was 100% happy with direct cremation with no regrets. She held a lovely event and meal to celebrate her mum's life. You can still mark their life and have an event without needing their body present.

If your loved one dies in hospital you're able to view them in the family viewing room before the direct cremation company takes them away. I'm not sure of the rules for if they die at home, but I believe you're allowed to have your loved one with you at home for a while if you wish.

Also you can get two types of affordable direct cremation, unattended (most common) and attended. https://www.simplicity.co.uk/arrange-a-funeral

There's a huge difference in price between the options offered on the link above, and those offered by funeral directors, especially for the attended cremations.

I had a direct cremation for both my mother and my father, and am happy with that decision. I didn't want to go through a funeral service, and believe I have been able to grieve easier without a funeral. You can still have a memorial celebration of their life if you wish.

My DM died suddenly, and I chose not to see her afterwards, as I wanted to remember her how she was when I had seen her a few days earlier. My DF was in hospital, and I spent a few minutes with him after he died there (I wasn't with him when he died).

My Mum has said that she wanted a Direct Cremation through a well known company that advertises on the TV around the time of tipping point on ITV (KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED FOR THEM). A friend of mind is a funeral celebrant and advised me against using them (I trust her implicitly) as apparently they are very unprofessional, with some bodies being held in storage facilities near airports. She had a friend who requested the return of her mother body and ended up going through a funeral director.

She recommended to me that if we had a direct cremation, to do so through a funeral director as opposed to one of these companies that are advertising on TV. As it happened, we had a small gathering at the crematorium due to the sudden nature of her passing and my Dad needing closure and something more traditional. My friend (the celebrant) has done a number of celebrations of life where there has been a direct cremation, beautiful relaxed events, afternoon teas, a celebration in an area of natural beauty at sunset etc, readings, singing etc. So much scope to make it truly personal to that person.

Once the body is taken away from home/hospital I believe you are not able to see them again.

For my Dad we have decided a direct cremation, as he does not want to be embalmed and then we will have a small gathering to celebrate his life.

@sleeptight1 I think your ‘friend’ is at best misinformed.
Where a direct cremation takes place, the body is not embalmed so it’s almost impossible to view them before cremation. However, if someone has requested a DC, then who are we to go against their final wishes for our own desires? My DM was adamant that she wouldnt have a funeral at all so she had a DC. We were able to see her within hours of her dying (in hospital) and that was enough. We knew when she was going to be cremated and as my sister wanted her ashes she had a single cremation. Her body was in the morgue at the hospital in which she died, we got a phone call on the day before her cremation telling us they had collected her and she would remain in their storage onsite overnight - we could have sat with her in a closed coffin that evening if we had wished. We then got a call the following day telling us she had been cremated and we could collect her ashes. We also received a document detailing the date and time of the cremation.

I have either not explained myself well or you have misunderstood.. I know that a direct cremation means no embalming - that is why my Dad is having one as he doesn't want to be embalmed anyway. I spoke about my experience with Mum and my Dad's plans - maybe that is where the confusion arose?

My Mum wanted a Direct Cremation purely for the cost aspect. Her death was sudden and very traumatic for my Dad ( Sudden death, CPR with foaming at the mouth, bowels opening and pouring on the floor). We knew her well enough that we instantly knew she would have said 'please do whatever gives Dad comfort and helps him get through it' so we did a small service at the crematorium with children and grandchildren which she would have loved.

Direct cremations can be the best choice - my comment was just be careful if who you use to carry this out. For my Dad it will be a funeral directors and not the company that advertises on the TV.

I had to arrange a direct cremation very recently and the funeral home did ask if I wanted to see them in the chapel of rest before the cremation.

Usually they don't tell anyone when the actual cremation is happening, as in their words "we don't want people storming in and demanding to say prayers or what ever"

The funeral home called me as soon at was done, and arranged for the ashes to be picked up.

You can request the ashes be scattered in the remberance garden or pick them up.

Your issues with the unnamed company don’t sound like issues?

It’s not ‘unprofessional’ to have cold storage for bodies near airports as many bodies are repatriated from or to other countries.

Secondly, yes if you change your mind, and request the return of a body then a funeral company cannot release YOU personally your relative’s body, you have to designate a new funeral director to collect the body from your old funeral director and inform the old funeral director of your decision.

OK. You're right.Please do not attach me in future posts as I find it distresing.

I am not about to embark in any argument about something so sensitive. You do you and an i hope that people follow you in a way that they feel is correct.God bless. Leaving this thread. Everyone, please chose what ever is correc for you and your family.For me, it wasn't pure cremations. I have no desire to enter into a debate. My opinions are my own and what I felt was right for my family.

We have direct cremations in our family. I’ve arranged several over the last few years with local undertakers. When my mum died I spent the evening with her body at home before the undertakers came to take her. I’ve got her ashes back here and we had a family meal to celebrate her life. I’ll want the same for me when I go.

For me, I have no objection to direct funerals except that I would want it handled by a funeral director from a respect angle. I have heard that some private companies store bodies in storage units close to airports -not for me or my loved ones. I would want my loved one to go straight to a funeral home and on to the crematorium. I would not want to have any concern about where they had been stored in the period from death to cremation. This may not be a problem for some but a direct cremation is already a new idea to my family - to have these additional concerns would be a step too far for me personally. This is my own opinion and with no intent to influence others so please do not respond to change my opinion. You do you.

My dad had a direct cremation - I knew the time and date but not where. I found incredibly distressing knowing I couldn’t be with him 😢

He died alone during Covid in a care home though so I’m sure this added to my distress 😢😢

I am sorry you felt my comments were an attack on you.

I found it a wee bit distressing how ready you were to badmouth a company as “very unprofessional” for having cold storage near airports and following the U.K. law on releasing bodies only from one licensed funeral director to another rather than to an individual.

It is likely a similar company, if not the same, to the one that repatriated a close relative of mine who died while on holiday abroad a few years ago.

I am sorry the subject is distressing to you. I wasn’t trying to change your opinion of what you prefer for your family, but rather to inform you that your ‘concerns’ are really preferences that align with your circumstances.

To be honest, having a storage facility near an airport isn't a problem, there were other things that I was told that were ONE PERSON'S EXPERIENCE that I did not post on here because I didn't want to cause distress or make anyone feel that a Direct Cremation is a bad choice. I haven't bad mouthed anyone - there is no mention of a company name and the reason I didn't is because with any service, some will have a good experience, some not.

At the end of the day, anyone can use any service they wish, some will have a good experience, some a bad experience. We ended up having an attended cremation via the Co-op. We had a good experience with the Co-op, from Trust Pilot, others did not.The latter did not mean that I then questioned the professionalism of my own Mum's treatment or became upset about it.

My own opinions are mine alone, I am not suggesting that anyone will have the same exerperiences as me, good or bad. Yes, absolutely, my concerns are indeed preferences. We live in the Midlands and for me I felt more comforted to know that my Mum was at the funeral home 1/2 a mile down the road as opposed to say at a storage facility near East Midlands Airport. For someone dying overseas, it makes absolute sense that they are stored near the airport.

I did feel your comments were attack on me expecially the 'friend' bit. She is indeed a friend and someone who I trust implicitly with high moral standards.
Her advice to me was that Direct Cremations can be wonderful but just to make sure that we have thoroughly researched who we choose to use. Fair comment I would say.

For my Dad, we will be having a Direct Cremation.

Wishing you well and I hope that whatever you chose gave you comfort.

“I did feel your comments were attack on me expecially the 'friend' bit.”

That wasn’t me. It was soontobe60 that posted the ‘friend’ bit. Glad that has been cleared up!

There's been a sharp rise in direct crems I've noticed over the last 2 years. I work in the care sector and had never seen one until the last couple of years. The last 3 months I've had 3! Burials are now very rare.

My brother died a couple of months ago, his wife arranged a direct cremation. Us siblings were simply and firmly told “no funeral”. We have no idea of this is what our brother wanted, he certainly never mentioned any such thing to us. We didn’t get to say goodbye as he died suddenly. So no one was present whenever he was dropped off at the Crem, and we are all left feeling there is no sense of closure. We also feel it was disrespectful towards him, and somehow “cold”. She was next of kin so totally within her rights, but it has caused so much hurt within the wider family.

Perhaps your family could organise a memorial event for him - much like a wake? We did this for my DM and it was lovely!

Yes I think this is what we will eventually do, it’s all a bit too raw at the moment.

It was a long time ago but my Mum wanted a direct cremation and I did not see her after she was removed from her bedroom where she died.

It was her express wish and I honoured it but it made the grieving process so much harder for me. I wish she'd have had a funeral.

Direct cremation for Dad on his request. No regrets at all. Money saved went to local animal charities. The whole family are now having direct cremation. We hate the fuss and certainly don't feel deprived. We find ostentatious funerals ( especially with the horses 🙄 ) a bit cringe and a complete waste of money

My dad wanted this. I arranged it, but it felt too weird to do nothing. So I had a memorial service after

DH is having this and our lovely parish priest said he'll do a funeral with the urn instead of the coffin.

I have organised my own direct cremation though hopefully it wont be needed for a good while. I assume my adult may well see me either when I die or very shortly after and call the funeral people. I don't like the idea of being viewed after death so being taken away and returned in a small box for the after party suits me. If they did feel the need for more I won't haunt them as funerals are for the living.

Adult children that should say.

A good friend had a direct cremation and several weeks later his widow held a lunch at his club to remember him as he was.

My OH and I have since paid for our own. The lunch was a much happier occasion than a meal after a funeral would have been.