Direct Cremation - no chapel of rest

[ERN79]

My Mum is looking into arranging a direct cremation for when she passes away.
Whilst I'm not averse to not having a funeral, I'm struggling with the fact that I won't be able to visit her in a chapel of rest.
For those who have experience of a direct cremation, how long are you able to spend with the deceased person before they are taken away?
Do you regret not arranging a normal funeral? Have you felt it easier to greive not having to struggle through a funeral?
I would appreciate people's thoughts.

I’m a bit short on time so only skim read the previous posts but having to assist in these matters several times in the past I would highly recommend going though a local funeral director rather than some you may see advertised on TV.
The local directors can arrange for viewing in the chapel of rest etc whereas I know a certain other company have their base many many miles away from our area so once the body is collected you cannot visit.
The local companies can arrange a similar service to the national ones but with a more personal touch and much more accessible

My grandparent had a direct cremation. It felt quite impersonal & sad to me, but it was their choice. We just had the date it was happening, no one could be there for them when it happened. It’s created some difficulties for family members dealing with their grief unfortunately.

My dh had a direct cremation, I knew the time, date and location of it and it was local.

I’m not sure why storing bodies by airports is so bad?

I mean the whole process is awful, burning a body at high temperatures then grinding up the solids left isn’t a nice process.

I had one for my Mum. I didn’t want to see her after she died so that didn’t bother me at all. She died at a hospice and her body was taken to a nearby funeral home and then collected the following day and taken to be cremated. The crematorium told us when the ashes were ready to collect. We put them somewhere very special to her, a walk she used to like to go on. I didn’t want a funeral for her as I’m an only child and we have no other relatives at all. I had a very complex and difficult relationship with her and it just felt like the right thing to do. Some people were angry with me about it as they felt I should have done a funeral and invited people etc but at the end of the day I just did what I felt was best in the circumstances.

Funerals are for the living and I do think there's a reason all cultures and religions make quite a big deal of the send off.

When DH died, I was originally planning to do the bare minimum, but was persuaded (partly by MN) to do things "properly" and we had a nice service and drinks in the garden. I'm glad I did.

I didn't go to see him at the Chapel of rest, but he died at home, I was with him and DC spent some time with him before the funeral directors took him away, which I think was important.

If you want a recommendation for a direct cremation company in the London area, DM me - I’ve used them for both my parents and they were great. I was with my mum when she died and could spend as long as I wanted with her then. They collected her; the cremation was unattended but I knew when it was and could have spent time with her beforehand there if I’d wanted to. I collected the ashes a few days later and will be scattering them close to her birthday later this year, just with my adult children, and we’ll have a meal afterwards. This is what she wanted and is perfect closure for us. I hope you find a good way for you.

That's absolutely terrible. I'd be gutted! Sorry that happened xxx

My DP and I have both arranged for a direct cremation. My Ex-DH had one a few years ago and it went so well. Much less stressful for his adult DC. His body first went to the local undertakers and then onto a crematorium a few miles away. We were notified once the cremation had taken place and my DD went to collect the ashes rather than wait for them to be sent. We held a memorial drink for him at a local social club the following week so that friends and family could pay their respects, and my DD placed the urn on his 'usual' chair which I personally thought was a lovely touch. We were all able to say our goodbyes without the stress of a funeral.

Hello

If you go to an independent funeral directors they will allow direct cremation and chapel visits.

Thanks

@sleeptight1 your friend is correct.

We had an attended direct cremation with a celebrant holding a service in a ceremony room overlooking the woods we even had an hour long service with music and photos it cost £2800. Can't fault them.

My dsdad had a direct cremation and from us ringing the company they were professional and absolutely fantastic , when the funeral directors arrived we were still given as much time as we needed , we knew where he was being taken and when the cremation would take place where and what time , we have been to look round where my dsdad went and the crematorium worker explained to us how it works when it's a non attended cremation . It's what my dsdad wanted and I'm pretty positive he would have been pleased with it .

Not all do. My DDd expressed he wanted a direct cremation. When the time came we didn't realise viewing him would not be possible. My DM was distraught at this and we ended up arranging a small service instead so my DM could go to see him. With hindsight I'm glad we did this.

Am in process of going through this with a parent. Am finding it very hard but was their wish and surviving parent hasn't expressed any objections. It is through one of the national companies. Very professional and slick. It is basically a no thrills disposal of body. I have asked to be told when the cremation is happening, more for me. I will make family aware and will share this if they want it. I appreciate it has been prearranged and paid for. But it's definitely hard. You can't view, they won't dress, will only notify you once they have them. Just under a month turn around and then ashes are couriered back. Have been assured these are trained couriers, so not left on doorstep. Am finding it tough as was a sudden death. Funerals are definitely for the living and am finding it very hard, but it's what they wanted. I had thought I would have the same but now I am not sure. Perhaps a local funeral director might have been more real, less a business transaction. But their choice at the end of the day. It is very awkward when people ask about the funeral and I say there is none.

@Theunbearablelightnessofbeing I'm sorry for your loss and that you are going through this difficult situation. I had recent experience of direct cremation with a close family member - not my choice (or place to express an opinion) though I was actually fine with it as I was there when he died and felt I had said my goodbyes then. We are going to have an event to celebrate my relative's life in a few weeks' time, would this be a possibility for you?

In terms of others asking about the funeral, I have used the formula "a private cremation has already taken place" - which I feel is truthful and people won't enquire into the details.

I've arranged a couple of these now with local funeral director - I was given the option of viewing them, whether I wanted them dressed in anything specific and flowers. I was also able to put things in the coffin with them. The first time I was told the date, time and location, the second time policy had changed because of people turning up but they still told me the date and time.

It can depend who you book it with as to whether direct cremation means no access to a chapel of rest or not.

MIL wanted direct cremation, and had we gone with a big-name company, there would be no option for a viewing etc.

Instead we went through a local funeral director and they sorted it out for us to be able to view her at the chapel of rest.

I don’t understand why a direct cremation means no funeral. Surely it’s up to you if you want to arrange a funeral. It’s nothing to do with whether there’s a cremation, direct or otherwise.

Because a funeral means a ceremony where the body is in situ and being formally said goodbye to. A direct cremation means just that, directly to the cremation without a funeral service.

You can have another ceremony with hymns and readings and whatever you want but that's a memorial service, not a funeral.

I don't really get honouring the deceased's wishes as what you have to do if it isn't right for you. If someone wanted a direct cremation who you are NoK for but you want a traditional funeral for your own emotional benefit I think that's fair enough. Why prioritise the wishes of the dead over the emotional wellbeing of the living?

My SIL has a direct cremation as she died overseas and it was considerably easier to repatriate ashes than a body. We didn’t have a funeral but just a family meal and we scattered her ashes. Her friends in the country she lived in held a separate celebration of life. I felt sorry for her U.K. friends in that they weren’t given an opportunity to say goodbye but that was her parents choice. I don’t see why having a DC precludes having a funeral (when often the coffin is taken elsewhere to be cremated anyway). Local church, memorial woodland, function room with celebrant … lots of options to commemorate a life without a coffin sitting there.

My Mum has had a direct cremation and I've found it really tough. I did get to say goodbye when she just passed but it's been hard not having any support from family which you would get at a funeral.

Oh, I would call that a funeral. Most services I’ve been to, the crematorium is first, with the coffin, then straight to the church for the service, minus the coffin. A direct cremation just misses out the first bit.

I've never seen it that way round. Only crematorium only or church first with coffin then onto crematorium.

How odd. I have seen it your way round, but typically it’s the other way. Maybe it’s regional.