*trigger* what will my deceased family member look like when we go to see him?

[oberst]

I really want to ask this as sensitively as possible.

BIL died suddenly on the 16th/17th March.

Because of his young age and sudden death, the coroner needed to investigate. He was with someone when he died and he was taken straight to hospital morgue.

The PM was only done yesterday and I am guessing he would have been embalmed after. Further toxicology needs to be completed but they are releasing his body for his funeral (which can't be for another three weeks).

My partner (his brother) obviously wants to go and see him once his body has been released. I have told him that I would go with him for support.

Does anyone know what he will look like? I'm worried that it will be probably near on 2 weeks or longer by the time we get to see him as it's Easter weekend, I assume the funeral home will be closed. And they are still waiting for him to get there from the hospital.

I understand that the cold temperature slows down the process but doesn't stop it. I am worried that he might not look like him or could potentially cause some trauma? My partner is already struggling, they both have the same condition so along with grieving he is also having panic attacks about dying himself.

I have only seen my grandparents who died but it was the day of; so as much as they looked dead, they still looked like them if that makes sense.

Am I right in thinking that I could potentially call the home and ask these questions?

It's a really awful and sad time and we are all still in utter shock. I'm just hoping someone may be able to advise me on this without upsetting anyone. Thank you.

We have been. It was emotional, of course. I decided to go in and I am glad that I did. He looked peaceful. I supported my partner and we had a good cry, had a little chat about his brother. I gave his brother a little stroke on his hand and we left.

The only thing I will say, and others did mention it. Is the smell; I am assuming this is the embalming fluid. I had to have a shower but I can still smell it.

Well done for going with your husband @oberst it's not easy x

The smell is the embalming and unfortunately the process after a few weeks. I'm glad it wasn't as bad as you feared. Well done for doing what was right for you. I hope the funeral goes OK.

Thank you.

Finding things really hard and I'm just drained. Toddler doesn't sleep so that's tricky on top of everything else!

Housework has been put to one side and today I've looked around and thought I really need to sort myself out.

We're going to see BIL one more time tomorrow, final goodbye.

Thanks for everyone's advice and sharing your own personal experience. It's helped a lot xx

They make them look as nice and possible but having seen hundreds as a nurse over the years the older they are generally the worse they look.
They basically look like an unanimated empty shell with nothing in it.
I always found it quite cathartic as it's obvious that wherever he is the soul has left his body.
Just be careful about touching, probably not a good idea for your husband.
I wanted to kiss my friend aged 30 who died a couple of years ago and hold his hand for the last time and he was freezing and slightly damp as he was defrosting from the freezer. That can be a shock.

Hey,

Thank you.

I did give his hand a little stroke. And yes, it was very odd due to how cold he was. Partner touched his arm with the back of his hand and said he didn't like it. X

Well done oberst. I'm glad it was OK and that you were able to support DP like that. I went to the morgue with DP (now DH) and his parents when his brother died abroad in an accident. It was all quiet and peaceful and dignified but...yep, the emotion. Will never forget that day, and night. That, and the days my children were born, were the closest I've ever felt to that stripped back, raw human feeling where...nothing else really matters, most of life is just trivial in comparison to the human connection to the newly living, the newly dead and each other still there for it.

Just an update;

We had the funeral yesterday. What a send off. We've been told there was an estimated 400-500 people. (BIL was extremely well known for his line of work and just being an amazing person).

It was beautiful. As much as it was utterly heartbreaking. My partner and their dad did his eulogy and I (along with everyone else) was so proud. His ex partner who is the mother of their child also wrote and read a poem which was just heart wrenching.

Thank you to every one on here. We are onto the next chapter now and the grief is just such a wild ride. X

There is nothing so heartening than a good sendoff. I remember one friends dad who I didn't even know but I felt for my friend, peoples words were lovely, and the music was so special.
A good sendoff will really help you all- and in both good and bad ways. Hope you're ok!

It's so overwhelming to see how much other people loved and thought of and are grieving the person you are too, makes you feel less alone somehow on that day. Take care

Thought I'd just update on here. Unfortunately, the coroner has opened an inquest today. So, no further in knowing why this happened. Unsure what is going on really, not sure why they have had to do this as post mortem said coronary heart disease.