*trigger* what will my deceased family member look like when we go to see him?

[oberst]

I really want to ask this as sensitively as possible.

BIL died suddenly on the 16th/17th March.

Because of his young age and sudden death, the coroner needed to investigate. He was with someone when he died and he was taken straight to hospital morgue.

The PM was only done yesterday and I am guessing he would have been embalmed after. Further toxicology needs to be completed but they are releasing his body for his funeral (which can't be for another three weeks).

My partner (his brother) obviously wants to go and see him once his body has been released. I have told him that I would go with him for support.

Does anyone know what he will look like? I'm worried that it will be probably near on 2 weeks or longer by the time we get to see him as it's Easter weekend, I assume the funeral home will be closed. And they are still waiting for him to get there from the hospital.

I understand that the cold temperature slows down the process but doesn't stop it. I am worried that he might not look like him or could potentially cause some trauma? My partner is already struggling, they both have the same condition so along with grieving he is also having panic attacks about dying himself.

I have only seen my grandparents who died but it was the day of; so as much as they looked dead, they still looked like them if that makes sense.

Am I right in thinking that I could potentially call the home and ask these questions?

It's a really awful and sad time and we are all still in utter shock. I'm just hoping someone may be able to advise me on this without upsetting anyone. Thank you.

I didn't go to see my mum
Was with her when she died and I really really struggled with how she looked just after she died and I didn't want to face it again. We had a complicated relationship anyway, I found it helped to look at photos of how I remembered her to get rid of the images I had from the hospital

Open coffins at wakes are the norm here in Ireland so we get a bit more "practice" I suppose. I've seen several bodies including both parents. Undertakers had done a good job in all cases...mind you it's usual here for the wake to take place only a few days after the person has died if no PM needed and the funeral the following day. All were a paler, a bit older looking, cold and a bit like a waxwork or marble statue. If they were naturally a very smiley person it jars a little more, as they can look a bit stern (I don't think they ever try to make them smile, it probably looks too rictus weird).
I went with DH (then DP) to see his brother who died in an accident in his early 40s. It was OK. You can stand back a bit if you want to. Being there that night was the main thing, after a long day of travelling and that weird mix of logistics, admin and emotion. DH climbed into bed, tucked his head into my chest and silently (his parents were in the next room) cried himself to sleep in my arms.

I saw my Nan around 2-3 weeks after she died, after a post mortem and embalming.

We saw her three times before the funeral took place, and by the third visit the funeral director advised us not to come back again as her body was declining.

She still looked like her, but there were obvious signs of nature taking its course. On that third visit there was a slight smell, her eyes were starting to sink and her face was starting to go from pale to tinged blue/green.

I want to be clear these were only slight and not at-all traumatic (for me) but these are the sorts of things that happen after some time has passed. The earlier the viewing the better.

We gave the funeral director her smartest outfit, a photo of her to copy makeup and they even painted her nails and dyed her hair because she hated having a grey root. We wanted to make sure she looked her best 

You can ask the funeral director for their opinion on viewing the body snd whether it is favourable or not. They will be honest and tell you of it isn't a good idea but this is usually after a traumatic death with significant injuries or if a lot of time has passed.

@Fraaahnces I used to work for a funeral director and our embalmers were used to cutting clothes up the back if they were too small or pinning them at the back if too big so that someone could be dressed in their/their family's favourite clothing. We wouldn't have batted an eyebrow at you as a family laughing at the situation; so many of our funeral arrangements ended up with the family having a laugh with the owner of the company.

No direct experience of what you've asked, but when I saw my grandfather who had died about 4 hours after, he looked awful. Grey and sunken. I don't think I'll ever go and see someone after they've passed again.

Hi OP. I'm a funeral arranger and I did the AMA thread under a different username a while back.

First of all, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Your BIL will have been kept in cool conditions at the coroners. As you rightly say, this will slow down natural processes but not stop them. The speed at which a body deteriorates (please excuse my phrasing, there's no nice way to say it) depends on what, if any, Illnesses the deceased suffered from, and what, if any, medications they were taking, but two weeks is still pretty early on. It's good news that the funeral home is embalming him promptly and not waiting until after Easter. The embalming process can improve the look of the deceased and take away that pale, ashen look. Hopefully your BIL will not look too much different, but by all means speak with the undertaker before you do the viewing. If nature has begun to take its course then they should advise that a viewing is not advisable, but they may offer for you to sit with BIL later with a closed coffin instead.

I will keep everything crossed for you that you and your DH will be able to view your dear BIL. Encourage your DH to talk to him, and maybe take some personal effects (photos, a letter) to put in the coffin with him. My thoughts are with you and your DH at this incredibly sad time.

@oberst firstly sorry for your loss.

I used to work for a funeral director, supposedly as the accountant but it was a small company and I got involved in almost every aspect of the business apart from embalming.
Prior to a PM your BIL will have been kept in an environment that would prevent him deteriorating in case deterioration would hide evidence of foul play/criminality. The funeral director should also have facilities that minimise him deteriorating and also should be able to embalm him quickly to allow family to view him. We would never allow a family to spend time with their loved one if the loved one's condition was such that it would be likely to cause needless distress (we would tell them that unfortunately nature had taken its course).

I visited my 10 year old DS every day after he died. He looked like he was sleeping. However, as time went on we started to notice subtle changes. After 2 weeks of visiting him every day we decided to stop as the changes were becoming too obvious and there was also a smell that I will never forget. Also, he was so cold, like marble.

I don't regret for one minute visiting him every day, holding his hand, reading his favourite books to him. But I knew when it was time to stop going. When we told the funeral directors that the next day would be our last visiting him they brought him to be viewed in his Lightning McQueen coffin.

I also visited my mum the day after she died. She looked different in that her hair wasn't styled the right way but otherwise she looked like her and the funeral home had sprayed her with her favourite perfume.

It's a very personal choice visiting a loved one after their passing and only you can make that decision 💐

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I have a 12 year old ds and I can't even begin to imagine that pain.

Thank you for sharing your story with me, it was very kind of you to do so. X

Thanks so much for replying to me.

We now aren't sure if he was embalmed yesterday or not; we were told he was there yesterday but possibly they wouldn't have embalmed him straight away (I am sorry, I am unsure how long this takes but can imagine a while?)

My partner definitely wants to see him, and obviously their parents will be. I am still in utter shock that he has died if I'm honest. I keep thinking he's going to walk in through the door when we've been at their parent's house the last two weeks. It's such a surreal feeling.

We spent time with his daughter today who is just under a year older than our daughter; watching them play together was very special and we almost see it in a different way now if that makes sense?

He was taking statins but no other medication and their heart condition is to do with high cholesterol. He died very quickly and was taken to the hospital morgue straight away basically.

We are talking a lot more openly about him which is lovely but still hurts and feels very odd. I am unsure why I still can't believe he has died? It's such a weird feeling to have.

I would put my faith in the funeral directors OP.
They advised us not to to see my mum as her body had undergone changes that might be upsetting for us. My dad had been very keen to see her but it wasn't possible. Instead we sat next to her closed coffin which gave my dad huge comfort.

depends how he died. My grandad had PM and you wouldn’t know but he looked same but the thing that really upset me was his hands were cold. I know that’s obvious but he hated being cold and his hands killed me more than the rest. I can see him laying in the coffin if I choose but I chose to instead see him full of life how I knew him and loved him. Ask the questions they’ll be used to it xx

My husband died peacefully at home, while I and his children sat with him. So I saw him in death, but still looking like himself, but empty.

It was two or three hours before the funeral directors came for him, but I didn't go back into the room after the first few minutes. One of my daughters sat with him for maybe half an hour, but I didn't need to see him any more. His death was as good as it gets, he looked peaceful in those few minutes afterwards, and I didn't want to see him looking 'more' dead. So no, I didn't go to see him in the chapel of rest.

My mum lies in one now, after dying ten days ago. My brother saw her a couple of hours after death and wished he hadn't. So that's another no.

Hi OP, I was a bit surprised when you said the undertaker would be embalming your BIL straight away once they’d collected him. Usually you have a discussion with the funeral home when you go in to arrange the funeral and whether you do/don’t want embalming is a part of that discussion, as there is a cost involved, and not everyone wants it. We always recommended it if the family wanted to view.

I can understand the shock involved. Although your BIL had a heart condition, I would think you weren’t expecting something to happen so suddenly. Talking openly about BIL is the best thing, but as you say, will be very difficult for you just now.

@2Old2Tango

Yes, I know their parents have been in for the chat to arrange this; I'd have to ask them if they have embalmed him yet or not. But not really something I'd want to ask them!

I definitely know he's being embalmed as they told us today, and have chosen his coffin etc.

I thought they'd still be open over the Easter weekend, at least today and Monday. But they aren't which adds days on to us going to see him. It's also his birthday after the weekend which makes it harder/sadder too.

Grief is such a rollercoaster.

My mum died and wasn't found straight away. I asked the funeral home if I could view her after PM so I think they had body 2-3 weeks after she died. They said no. Take the lead from them.

I sat with her closed coffin before her funeral. I could feel the cold coming off from it. It was fine not seeing her and just sitting with her but even that wasn't easy. I saw my dad a week after he died. He looked completely normal. But rock hard and cold. I don't regret either choice.

I don't think it's weird either. We all die. Us Brits are very removed from death which isn't healthy either. Go or don't go, neither is wrong. But neither is weird. Not everyone gets to say goodbye snd some people need that time.

A friend passed away suddenly a few years ago he was only in his 30s. His funeral was open casket

He looked smaller and kind of like a waxwork 🥺

My experience.
My Mum died of cancer - I was with her when she died and she was barely recognisable. As awful as that was, I take comfort from knowing it was her time to die.
I hadn't planned on seeing her in the funeral home, but was encouraged to go by my family. I wish I hadn't. They made her look like she was when was more healthy and TBH, I found it quite frightening and the scientist in me wondered what process they used to 'restore' her.
I chose not to see my Dad after he died, though he would have looked more like he did when he died because he hadn't had a long illness.

I think OP, that your BIL will looks similar to how he looked in life because he didn't die of a long illness. But the funeral home will, I'm sure, be very willing to answer your questions. My experience of dealing with people who work in post-life care (of both the living and the dead) has always been very positive - they really care.

I don't want to scare you but I do want to warn you that after I saw my friends body it massively increased my own fears around death and dying . I was 36 and it honestly changed me in a way

I had a good friend who died young. She wasn't found for a few days and then was with a coroner for a few weeks. We and the family were advised not to view. I feel very sad that no one saw her to say goodbye. I wonder if what I imagined was worse than the real thing. I had bad dreams over it.
Partially because of that, I didn't go to see my beloved grandmother the day after an expected death. My uncle went however and it brought him comfort. He said she looked like all the pain had gone and 20 years younger.
I saw a friend's dad at an open casket and he looked like a waxwork. Nothing terrifying, but then he wasn't my big bereavement.

My aunt went to see her husband twice. First time within a few hours which she said was a peaceful experience. Prior to his funeral two weeks later, she decided to visit again for one last goodbye. She says it was the worst decision and she has struggled to sleep properly since.

It is of course your choice, but after this long, I wouldn't.

@iloveshetlandponies yes, I am really worried about this as I am having sleepless nights currently worrying about dying and death. It's actually become so bad since BIL has died that I am worried it's making me sick. I know grief has an emotional impact and is exhausting in itself, and I'm trying to support my partner and run the household too. But the lack of sleep isn't helping either

I was the same, our friend was only late 30s and it was sudden

It was like I realised life wasn't permanent, as mad as that sounds as of course I knew that before anyway. But it became real. Can't explain it, anyway I'm having counselling to cope with (amongst other things) my health anxiety / fear of death . This has been triggered by a lot of other things as well but as i say this event was pivotal and changed me irrevocably

I guess only you can make the decision whichever you make I really hope you get through these next few days / weeks ok x

Many years ago I saw a young family member who'd passed away. He was kind of like a waxwork. It was a few days after he passed and it haunts me a little to this day, even though almost 40 years have passed.

As a result, I've chosen never to see anyone again. My father's autopsy was delayed by a few weeks and the funeral directors strongly advised that no one saw him.

You are absolutely fine to call the funeral directors to ask your questions and for advice.

I know you want to support your partner, and if he wants to go that you go with him. That doesn't mean you need to go in and physically see his brother if you are not sure it's right for you. These things stay with you, and given your partner shares the same hereditary condition, it could be particularly upsetting.

I am sorry for your loss.

@iloveshetlandponies I did say to my partner today that I think I may need to see the GP next week because my anxiety around dying is awful now. It used to come in waves; sometimes months before it hit me and I'd have one night of no sleep.

But since bil passing, it's been most nights and it's actually so much worse than it ever has been. I'm not sure how the GP will address this though.