*trigger* what will my deceased family member look like when we go to see him?

[oberst]

I really want to ask this as sensitively as possible.

BIL died suddenly on the 16th/17th March.

Because of his young age and sudden death, the coroner needed to investigate. He was with someone when he died and he was taken straight to hospital morgue.

The PM was only done yesterday and I am guessing he would have been embalmed after. Further toxicology needs to be completed but they are releasing his body for his funeral (which can't be for another three weeks).

My partner (his brother) obviously wants to go and see him once his body has been released. I have told him that I would go with him for support.

Does anyone know what he will look like? I'm worried that it will be probably near on 2 weeks or longer by the time we get to see him as it's Easter weekend, I assume the funeral home will be closed. And they are still waiting for him to get there from the hospital.

I understand that the cold temperature slows down the process but doesn't stop it. I am worried that he might not look like him or could potentially cause some trauma? My partner is already struggling, they both have the same condition so along with grieving he is also having panic attacks about dying himself.

I have only seen my grandparents who died but it was the day of; so as much as they looked dead, they still looked like them if that makes sense.

Am I right in thinking that I could potentially call the home and ask these questions?

It's a really awful and sad time and we are all still in utter shock. I'm just hoping someone may be able to advise me on this without upsetting anyone. Thank you.

I saw my aunt, probably about a week post mortem. It wasn’t awful or horrific, but I probably wouldn’t be in a rush to do so again in future. She had had a post mortem and you couldn’t tell - the people who care for the deceased are very skilled and caring and do their best to make them look peaceful and dignified. That said, it looked nothing like my auntie and she was absolutely not there any more. I remember saying to my husband that she was just a shell and whatever makes us ‘us’ (I’m an atheist) had long since left. Now, whether that is a comfort or a trauma is very personal. It took a while to get that image out of my head and remember her as the woman I had loved in life, but with time that did happen.
My cousin, her daughter, visited and sat with her regularly until the day before the funeral which was about two weeks after she died, and wasn’t upset by her appearance at all.
I suppose my point is, if he goes and is upset by it, to reassure him that in future he will remember his brother predominantly as he was in life, and to focus on that.
I’m very sorry for his, and your, loss.

You don't have to view the body yourself, you could just accompany your partner to the room and stand respectfully by the door.

I went to see my stepmum 14 years ago and it was horrible. Didn't look like her at all and the image genuinely haunted me for months and I said id never do it again. My mum died in November and I went to see her 14 days later because I thought I'd regret not seeing her one last time, I walked in looked at her and about turned straight out there. She didn't look like her, the embalming had totally changed her mouth and even tho they'd put the make up on she was blue from the nose down and her face just looked different it was like a badly done wax work of my mum. I now will definitely never go again.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your bil.

Yes. I will definitely be doing this if I cannot go in there with him. He knows this too of course.

Op I think suddenly feeling a fear of death/sense of your own mortality is common. I had complete health anxiety after my mum suddenly got symptoms and died 3 months later. I convinced myself I had the same thing and was even physically feeling the same symptoms. I was worrying my husbands ongoing bad back was a tumour or bone cancer any little symptom any of us had I was catastrophizing. I'm four and a half months out and it's only reading and writing this that's made me realise it's eased off now. I think a visit to your doctors if your sleep is affected is a good idea. Thinking of you all.

If your anxiety about death is as troubling as you describe, I absolutely wouldn't go in to see the body, @oberst . You are clearly not in a secure enough state to do that.

I'd draw a line through the idea right now, and simply say that it's not something that you're able to do right now, but that you'll go with your partner as far as the door, and be waiting for him as soon as he comes out. Don't let anyone try to persuade you.

My husband looked cold, grey skinned. His ears and fingers were turning black. Be warned there was a particlaur smell in that room. Having said that my 6 and 9 year old got comfort from their visits.

I've posted on a similar thread. I saw my mum and for me it wasn't good. I told my brother not to see her and it's the best thing I've felt was right for him. I'll never see a deceased person again.

I've waked my grandmother and my dad. Both horrible experiences and yet I don't think I'd do it any other way.
On the cosmetic side of things, just make sure you have all your brother in law's favourites as they had used the wrong teeth for my dad and it changed his face horribly, he really didn't look like himself.

I can’t answer your question but I think I’m going to make it clear that I don’t want to be viewed after death. If someone really needs to see me to get closure then ok but I’d rather not be viewed.

I hope you are happy with whatever you decide.

I was with my dad when he died from cancer last year. We went to view him a couple of weeks later, I wasn't really wanting to but felt I should as everyone else was going. It was a strange experience. He looked a lot smaller than he was, kind of shrunken and waxy looking. Also they'd shaved off his moustache. He felt freezing cold and also slightly damp?! Not sure if that was due to the embalming process.

DM took photos of him. I've warned her that they might pop up on her phone on the anniversary so hopefully she's prepared. I don't regret seeing him a final time and we left notes and flowers in his coffin.

One of my parents had been traumatised after seeing their own dead parent and requested I didn't see them like that, so I didn't and I never regretted it. Other parent had been v ill and I did visit on a few ocassions pre funeral. They looked peaceful but the whole experience traumatised me greatly. I don't know if I would do it again with a parent. I found it so so shocking and took me years to visualise them alive again. I'd go with him but not go in.

I found seeing my mum harrowing, it's been 4 years and it's still the last vision in my mind every day. I wouldn't recommend it x

Gosh I’m really surprised and saddened by some of the experiences here. I’m in Ireland and it’s v much the norm to have an open casket. With my mum it was an incredibly positive experience - the funeral home had done an amazing job and she looked beautiful. It was so healing because she had been so unwell prior to her death.
My father and brother looked like people whose souls had departed. Still, it was helpful, you can truly see that the essence of them had gone.

@KittytheHare I wonder whether it depends on the age when you see a dead body for the first time tbh.

I was a primary aged child when I first saw a dead body. The relatives I was with at the time were very matter of fact about it and said it was nothing to worry about or be scared of. Everyone spoke about death in a religious context too.

A lot of my friends have made it to their 40s without seeing a dead body, so I think it might become a big thing to overcome mentally.

@Dacadactyl I think that’s a good point - it’s always been the norm here to view the body, so I have many childhood memories of this also.

@KittytheHare it is very different in Ireland I agree. I think English people don't talk about death and we are so far removed from it it's unhealthy. I think it's more the normal that you don't even acknowledge it. Only the immediate family seem to be allowed to be sad. Its all very weird.

Ds had a friends mum die and ds was crying. I think he was genuinely shocked that a child's healthy parent could drop dead with no prior warning. He phoned me in tears and said he didn't want to make it about him. He is 15. I have no idea where he got the idea that crying for a friend is self indulgence.

I had to sit right at back of a funeral when a friend died as I didn't want to be seen upset in front of his family.

We were with MIL when she died unexpectedly, cardiac arrest following elective surgery which she survived then died of internal bleeding from the CPR. She was in ICU and they had been aggressively trying to save her until a few hrs before her death. To me the moment her monitor flat lined her face looked different and unlike her. They removed her tubes then called us back in and she did look peaceful but different. Funeral was 10 days later, funeral home advised against viewing as she had been battered and bruised plus had been given a huge amount of blood and plasma prior to her death. FIL and SIL still went (DH didn’t) and really regret their decision so defo take advice very carefully. Very sorry for your loss 💐

@PinkJellyCat2023 we’re often quite self-congratulatory here in Ireland about ‘how we do death’. But seeing people laid out in their coffin at home before the service is truly the norm here. For me, there’s a comfort in seeing how clearly the deceased, no matter how good the embalmer had done their job, has left this earth. So you’re mourning the person they are, and seeing that the body has truly become a shell.
But, as has been said above, when this has been your experience since childhood, it is really not traumatic.

Just an update; we still haven't been able to go and see him. It'll be three weeks this weekend that he died.

I don't think I will go in and see him now. But I will ask the FD what they think first.

I will still support my partner and go with him; I'll just wait outside the room.

Ah ok, you need to do what is right for you. I did go to see my Dad, I checked beforehand that his mouth would be closed as I found that difficult to see when he first died and I didn't want to see that gasping face that he had had which I assume is fairly common. It helped me to get my head round the fact that he was really gone when I saw him again. There was no denying that he just wasn't there anymore. It was an unpleasant but helpful and healing experience for me, for all my family in fact. I think these things are so individual though.

We've just had the news that we can go and see him, so we are getting ready to leave. I'll see how I feel when I get there but my main priority is to support dp. I do feel so anxious though, unsure if that is selfish of me x

Hope it went ok x

You'll be exhausted either way. Look after yourselves

It didn't happen in the end. There was a bit of a communication issue between funeral home and parents. We were just getting ready to go and they called us to say another family were coming in. Not their fault; I think dp parents thought we'd be okay to go. So we'd psyched ourselves up to be told we weren't going.

But we are going in the morning now. We both are very restless and cannot sleep.