*trigger* what will my deceased family member look like when we go to see him?

[oberst]

I really want to ask this as sensitively as possible.

BIL died suddenly on the 16th/17th March.

Because of his young age and sudden death, the coroner needed to investigate. He was with someone when he died and he was taken straight to hospital morgue.

The PM was only done yesterday and I am guessing he would have been embalmed after. Further toxicology needs to be completed but they are releasing his body for his funeral (which can't be for another three weeks).

My partner (his brother) obviously wants to go and see him once his body has been released. I have told him that I would go with him for support.

Does anyone know what he will look like? I'm worried that it will be probably near on 2 weeks or longer by the time we get to see him as it's Easter weekend, I assume the funeral home will be closed. And they are still waiting for him to get there from the hospital.

I understand that the cold temperature slows down the process but doesn't stop it. I am worried that he might not look like him or could potentially cause some trauma? My partner is already struggling, they both have the same condition so along with grieving he is also having panic attacks about dying himself.

I have only seen my grandparents who died but it was the day of; so as much as they looked dead, they still looked like them if that makes sense.

Am I right in thinking that I could potentially call the home and ask these questions?

It's a really awful and sad time and we are all still in utter shock. I'm just hoping someone may be able to advise me on this without upsetting anyone. Thank you.

Thank you. But, no, it isn't! Not to me, anyway. She did not look 'peaceful' with her mouth clipped. But I understand they have a job to do.

I thought I wanted to see my mum but as the time approached I just couldn't do it.

My sister took a photo which I saw and even that was disturbing enough.

My parents died at home so I saw both of them immediately after death.

My mum didn't want to see my dad open casket but asked if we could sit in the room with the coffin the day before the funeral. We sat in the room for about an hour, it was peaceful.

When mum died it was over a month before her funeral, she asked that we do her makeup ready for the funeral. As she had died a month previously she had a blueish freezer tinge to her which the funeral parlour had covered with makeup. We applied her makeup, put knitted slippers on her feet and letters, pictures and flowers in the coffin. After we had applied her makeup the wider family came to see her. We then went out to the pub and talked through past times.

It was an honour to do her makeup, and we felt at peace with our choice.

However, it's such a personal decision you have to do what feels bets for you. The person will look different.

I am sorry for your loss

I was quite traumatised by my Mum's body. She had had long term, extremely harsh, chemo and she deteriorated extremely quickly after death. On that basis, I decided to say goodbye to my brother when he was in ICU (we knew we wasn't going to survive) as I didn't want to experience that again. It's such a personal thing. Nobody can really tell you. Having said that, my friend lost her husband recently and visited him a lot prior to the funeral and found it very comforting and said he just looked asleep. I'm sorry for your loss

Ahh I had wanted to go and do my mum's makeup but as per my previous post, she was too deteriorated and it was really pointless and traumatising. I was annoyed that the funeral director had not discouraged it. She had died just prior to a severe weather event which meant her funeral was delayed for the best part of a month. That didn't help at all.

@TheFormidableMrsC I'm so sorry...it's hard to be prepared as things don't always go to plan. The intention was in your heart and that will always be special for you.

I remember my Mum asked if she e could pop in the pub the Saturday before she died. I was stressing about work and told her we'd go the following Saturday, sadly she died on the Friday so never got that last pub trip.

Thank you everyone.

My partners dad just called to update us and his brother is being taken to the funeral home today and being embalmed; I didn't know he hadn't been embalmed yet.

They are both still seeing him and his mum is going too.

It's Easter now so I doubt it'll be until next Tuesday now, that will make it 17 days after him dying.

He died suddenly and quickly on the way home from the pub due to a heart condition (still haven't had the cause of death yet as toxicology needs to be done). But coroner has stated it points to his heart.

Funeral isn't for another 3 weeks. Which is going to be a long wait for my partner and his family. It's very sad.

I saw my grandfather and whilst he didn’t look awful (he died peacefully in his sleep) he just looked like a pale skinned waxwork that had been made of him
sleeping. I chose not to see my mum and wasn’t able to see my dad due to the state of the body (but wouldn’t have wanted to even if he’d died in a ‘normal’ way).

I wish I hadn’t gone and that my last memory of him was very different.

I was with my mum when she died 18 months ago and then said goodbye to her about half an hour later when the nurses had removed her cannula, tubes etc. at that point she was still a bit warm and looked asleep and peacefully. But I saw my dad about eight hours after he had died and it didn't look like him even after that short time. I still have a clear picture of him lying there over 30 years later and I've always wished I hadn't seen him.

Don’t assume he’ll be embalmed. The undertakers won’t do that unless you pay for it as part of their service. After a good couple of weeks he won’t look great. I would think carefully about whether you want to see him or remember him as he was. You can’t unsee whatever he looks like. He wont just look like he’s asleep. It would be unrealistic to think that this may be true. Unfortunately dead bodies don’t look like they’re just sleeping.

I was with my dad when he died, We delayed the funeral until my sister and her family could get here from Australia. When she got here, she wanted to see his body. That was about 4 weeks after he died.

I wasn't keen but ended up going with her. It was OK, Dad looked like he was asleep but you could tell he wasn't. There was nothing awful about how he looked, but he didn't look like himself IYKWIM.

As others have said, it's fine to ring the funeral home and ask. The one we used for Dad was great, all the staff were really helpful and respectful.

I'm very sorry that you've lost your BiL

My beloved was only 23, it's possible that this had something to do with it, maybe thats why my experience was different.

I have seen 2 dead bodies. One our baby son who died and many years later my MIL. Both were traumatic. The main reason I saw my MIL at the funeral directors was because her last moments were so awful (I have never told my DH this, he was out of the room).They looked like they were made of wax. I don't think I would ever do it again. Seeing my MIL at the funeral directors has never brought me any peace.
With regards our son, my DH and my brother went into see him first as they wanted to be sure his teddy's were where they should be. My DH said I don't think (me) should go in. My brother pointed out that if I didn't I would think something was wrong with his body.

When we went to identify by dad's body, it was only a couple of days later. My sister was fine to look but I didn't want to so we agreed that I'd go with her but turn away from the window. Could that work?

I saw my mum about 4-5 hours after she died and she looked like a waxwork of herself. It was weird, not unpleasant but not nice. She didn't look much like herself and I didn't find it comforting. I don't think I would do it again.

Thank you everyone.

Yes, partners parents told us he was being embalmed today when he arrives.

I think I will go with my partner to support him and make the decision there if I am to go in with him. I'd love to be able to, to support him. But if his brother doesn't look great, I'm not sure I'll be able to.

I have such anxiety regarding death as it is, and my own self dying.

My dad was a very young looking 51 , looked ok dead in the house after he had died and dreadful 8 days later after a PM . Perhaps it’s luck .

PM? they must have embalmed by lovely prince, he looked smashing.

I've seen a few dead bodies, both straight after death and various times up to a max of 3 weeks after death.

After 3 weeks the person still looked peaceful and asleep. There was a greying to the skin round the neck and the nose looked slightly out of kilter and marginally different to when the person was alive.

I wouldn't worry too much about viewing the body. In my experience they just look asleep.

Sorry for your loss.

It's rubbish isn't it? The things you dwell on that probably really don't matter. I'd upended my life to nurse my mum. I lived 45 mins away, worked a full time job with a 1.5 hour commute each day and had a toddler. I compressed my hours to give care because she wanted to be at home. I wanted her to have that peace. On the night she died I was so so exhausted I was at the point of passing out, trying to juggle everything and everybody. So I went home to spend some time with my DD and relax. She died didn't she? I wasn't there. The MacMillan nurse felt that she was not yet at end of life (I don't blame her!). It was 22 years ago and it still bothers me. Thank you for your kind words

The decision is totally up to you guys but you just need to brace yourselves that it may not look like the person in your memories.
Mixed bag of opinions in here...
Me personally, I wouldn't.
I was all prepared to see my dad but the funeral home called and advised against it in the end. They said the medication he had been on must have affected his skin colouring and that he had gone black in parts, I was sooo thankful they were honest and open with us like this as it would have traumatised me.

I remember when DH nan died and was in she chapel of rest couple weeks afterwards, DH was scared to go in and look so I offered to go in and then come out to him and give my personal opinion. I came out and said it really really is up to you and I will come back in and support you but I just don't think it looks like her. It looked like whatever they had used to pad her mouth with inside was 'too padded' pushing her lips out as if she was wearing a gum shield. And yes as others have said very waxy looking like a Madame Tussaud model.
He chose not to go in. And I am glad that he didn't, I know it would have played on his mind.
But everyone is different, for some it brings comfort, so all you can do is support your DH's choice xxx

Sometimes death can bring out inappropriate giggles too. My mum was an extremely difficult person. She had addiction issues, chain-smoked and drank herself into an early grave, and believe it or not, her lifelong anorexia kept her alive longer as it starved her cancer…. towards the end she was happy because she was really skinny and then then she was put on steroids to help the pain, and she was suddenly hungry like a velociraptor… Eating many serves of fish and chips every single day. She made us promise that she would be buried in her favourite dress, that she had starved herself into for an event previously, and when the funeral director rang us to say it wouldn’t zip up, he did not approve when we all fell about laughing.

When my daughter died I went to see her 4 days afterwards. She was still waiting for a PM so was in her natural state. They did their best to hide the smell but there's only so much a fridge can do. She looked like she was sleeping.

In the funeral home a few weeks later I saw what she would have looked like as a middle aged woman. They had done a sterling job making her up and there was no longer the smell of decay. I am glad I went both times.

We fear death so much. It helps to say goodbye imo. I'm sorry for your loss OP.

I feel the same about my grandad. It was only mere hours later too. My dad told me I didn't have to go in to see him if I didn't want to. And to remember him how he was. I wish I'd listened to him. I can't forget how he looked. It didn't look like my dear grandad. I was glad I was there for my nan though.

My mum looked asleep and my dad didn't look like him at all.

The fact I was looking at the parents I loved in a coffin was the most traumatic element for me and haunted me for a long time.