How long did you take off before going back to work when your mum died?

[december2020]

My job very kindly gave me 3 weeks paid leave.
I am very grateful for that.

I am back at work now but I am not ready!

Mum died very unexpectedly and I'm still in some very dark places with grief, but it comes on so unexpectedly that I can't plan for it, and I'm finding it really hard to balance work and kids alongside it.

How long did you take off before going back to work after your mum died?
Am I being irrational and needy to feel like I need more time?

@SpringtimeAtLast your post really resonated with me.
My mum died of a brain aneurysm just totally out of the blue one minute she was here , the next gone. Tragic, harrowing , just the worst thing that could ever of happened to me.
I was 35 weeks pregnant with my first baby when I lost her, this is almost 4 years ago next month. My heart will never recover from this loss

Im so sorry for your loss. Please dont rush back, take as much time as you need to grieve and find peace.

Thank you, I find it hard to understand as well. I suspect it’s because my child was disabled, and there are some people who think that the death of such a child is not a big deal or that a parent should be relieved because “it’s a blessing “.

That woman is still working in the NHS, in charge of health inequalities and inclusion. I have to laugh at the irony of this.

Anyway I don’t mean to make this about me, as so many on this thread have lost parents recently and are still grieving

She died on a bank holiday Monday so I had the rest of that week off and went back the following Monday. Several people asked me what I was doing there, and said that they'd expected me to have been allowed more time off.

NHS worker too - left work as soon as I could get cover and pick up my kid on the day she died - it was a Friday so wasn’t working that weekend anyway . Then day of the funeral .
Sorry for your loss , thinking of you .

Oh wow, thank you everyone for sharing your stories and your grief.
I am so so sorry for your loss and huge condolences regardless of whether it was very recent or years ago - grief never leaves.

I'm also horrified on the lack of bereavement leave and support so many have endured during a really traumatic time. Surely there is a better a way and some sort of legislation should be put in place for this!

The GP has signed me off sick for a few weeks then with a review of next steps. I feel very mixed, half relieved because I think my grief needs this at the moment and half stressed and anxious of what that will mean for my career and job (especially its security).

Just the day of the funeral.

I was pregnant and they were already getting nasty about that so I didn't make a fuss.

My DM died a couple of weeks ago, the GP has signed me off for another 2 weeks

Sorry for your loss. I wish I had done that. I had two weeks upnpaid! That’s state schools for you!

Hi OP. I am 24 and I too lost my Mam unexpectedly a few weeks ago (19th March) to a stroke. One minute I was sitting at work having a normal day, 20 minutes later I was sitting in the hospital (across the road from my work) watching my Mam take her last breaths. It was totally sudden and unexpected and she was already unconscious by the time I got to the hospital so I didn't get to say goodbye to her properly. We also had a period of time of low contact a few years ago after a falling out, and we were still in the stages of rebuilding our relationship back to what it was (wonderful) before the fallout. So her death has absolutely devastated me. I loved her so so much and I never got the chance to tell her that properly before she passed. My head and my life are an absolute mess at the minute and like you it's so unpredictable, some days I've felt okay and been able to function and then the next day it's like the walls come tumbling down and I just can't stop crying and thinking very dark thoughts. The world just feels so cold, empty and dark without her. She was such a bright, bold, unique woman who loved life. I catch myself feeling irrationally angry at random, innocent people on the street, wondering why they get to be alive when they look so boring and dull and why my Mam doesn't. (Sounds ridiculous I know, but I can't help it).

I work in a civil service office but am employed by an agency so sickness/bereavement policy is very different to previous jobs I've had. My Mam died on the Tuesday and I forced myself to go in on the Friday – only because I wouldn't get paid otherwise. But I was an absolute mess, couldn't cope being there and barely got any work done. Following that I went off sick until after the funeral (I think, I can't actually remember the chronology of it because it all feels like a big nightmare). Fortunately work have been really sympathetic and have allowed me to take the time off that I need although I won't get paid for it. I don't think I've done more than 2-3 days at work in a row before needing to be off again. My emotions are extremely volatile and changing so quickly and whenever I get time to think I just end up spiralling, also have cried at work so many times I've lost count. Some days I just can't get out of bed as I can't stop thinking about it. I'm worried that some colleagues might start to think I'm taking the piss but I genuinely can't help it, and I do try my best when I'm there.

It amazes me how many people on this thread and others I've read were able to go back to work properly in the days or week after. Not saying that in a bad way but I just wasn't capable at all and tbh I doubt I'll be back properly full time for a good while yet. So please don't feel like you are needy or irrational, I hope you take some comfort from knowing I feel exactly the same as you. My entire outlook has changed on so many different aspects of life and I'm still totally reeling from the shock and devastation of it all. So I just want you to know that you aren't alone – I think the death being sudden and unexpected adds a whole new level of complexity to the grief as opposed to cases where people have known it was coming due to illness/cancer/old age etc. It's bad but I feel slightly envious of those people as I just wish I'd been able to tell my Mam so many things before she died. But on the plus side we can take comfort in the fact that they didn't suffer long at all. My Mam was at her weekly arts and crafts club the day before she died, I know she would've been happy and having fun there and I'm happy she didn't have to suffer any long or painful illnesses that might've dulled her sparkle and her enjoyment of life. We have to take whatever makes us feel better I suppose although it's so difficult to find anything that does.

So so sorry @kokomako very similar to my mum, died of a stroke when I was 27 it's turned my world upside down. Take as much care of yourself as you can

My mum was killed in a car accident. She was 69. My dad had already died years earlier at 54. I had to deal with the coroner and police, organise the funeral and wind down her estate. I had three weeks off.
I had a week off when my dad died.

Tragic @Sunnnybunny72 just tragic c

A month.

dm died on the 22nd November last year, her funeral wasn’t until 17th December as we had to wait for the coroner to decide what to do ( she was terminally ill but it was sudden, we found her on the floor one morning.

my work were great, I work in a school and they insisted I took until the end of term of then we had Christmas anyway so I suppose it was six week altogether.

im glad I did, I think I still have trauma from finding her, then the police turning up, my stepdad losing his shit and dealing with everything. 2 years after losing dh too.

My Mum just died on April 23. I have had the last 2 weeks off and I know my manager expects me back tomorrow. I had quite a bit of time off this year as she became very frail. She was 93. She had a long and happy life and a relatively peaceful death and I am completely devastated. My heart goes out to those of you who lost your mother young or unexpectedly.
I am relatively senior at work. I am going to suggest to my manager that I work from home all week and do anything that it is critical but don't J mp into new projects. I feel very fragile and not very competent.

2 days, then a day off for the funeral, which I organised. Everyone is different and there's no right way of doing it. I'm self employed.

If it helps @kokomako, I remember that irrational rage stage vividly. I was furious with my dad at one point because he was so much older than me and hadn't lost his mum. The grief didn't care that he'd lost the wife he loved, or that his mum was my brilliant nan who I adored, at that stage I was just so angry.
It passes though, I promise. You'll go through other weird stages as you work through it all, but the rage will pass. Just take it step by step and give yourself time to process it all.

I actually didn't really take any time off.
I was on holiday when my mum died, she died on a Thursday and we were due to fly back on the Saturday so we stuck to that. I WFH on a flexible schedule so I took the Monday morning off to go and see my brother and made up the time later as I just didnt see the point in hanging around doing nothing.
I had a big event planned later that week that I had organised and was the Speaker at so I had to do that.
I hadn't slept much and had a bit of a virus so wasn't the best and The event was a 5 hour drive away so I was a bit of a mess really but My Mum was very "pull yourself together and carry on" so nobody knew. I later spoke to people at the event and they had no idea I was both ill and grieving.
I took the day before the funeral off as we had people arriving from abroad and of course the day of the funeral.
Do I regret it? Possibly, but I am happier if I am busy and its not as if I had to sit in an office or anything. A lot of people said to me later that they were surprised I didnt take time off but it never really occured to me that it was an option
We are all different and grieve in different ways so theres no right or wrong answer really

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories!
I feel we really don't speak about grief enough nor is it normalised enough.

I am slowly finalising the last paperwork and on Sunday there will be a small late lunch memorial get together for my mum's honour.

I've reached a point where life feels so strange, like nothing has changed yet absolutely everything has changed.

Because it did get me wondering on why grief and bereavement leave isn't more of a thing in legislation or work policies. It's like we (as a society) don't like to talk about it, therefore, they don't really need to address it.

It absolutely should be @december2020 but I have no idea what the right amount of time would be. I lost my mum at 35 weeks pregnant I had 2 more weeks to work til mat leave left immediately there's no way I could of gone back any time soon

A week. I could have had more but didn't want it. I couldn't see the point of sitting at home after the funeral and clearing her house out. I wanted to get back to being busy.

Three days, one to organise the funeral, then two for the funeral (had to stay over).

Sorry for your loss 💐

Back at work next day when my Dad died. After my mother passed I was in my way to see her (she lived in a different country) so stayed for the funeral which was arranged within five days. I'm self employed. Neither deaths were unexpected.

That sounds like your particular trust. The NHS allows 2 weeks bereavement leave on full pay and anything after that is at management discretion.
After my fathers death last year I was off for 8 weeks all on full pay on bereavement leave and could have had 6 months full sick pay if required.

I always think it depends on your job as well.
I routinely work with the bereaved and there was no way I could safely provide a service without maintaining boundaries.
I honestly would have cried through others sessions.

Two weeks paid, one week unpaid. It was a new job, and I wasn’t eligible for sick pay, so I had to go back - I wasn’t ready at all. When my sibling died, I had about three days - working helped. When my dad died, I had about a month then a couple of months I was part time, all paid as I’d worked for that company for years (after the first week, it was classed as sick leave rather than bereavement leave).