My mam wants to come to my dads funeral but she wouldn't be welcome

[fancyabru]

I'm looking for advice and what people think is the right thing to do in this situation. My dad passed away a couple of days ago, I'm absolutely heart broken. The funeral isn't arranged yet but I messaged my mam asking if she would be able to baby sit my two year old when we find out the funeral date. She replied saying her and her husband (my stepdad) wanted to go to the funeral.

The thing is, my dad wouldn't have wanted her to be there, he despised her and she caused him so much pain from their marriage I'm sure she had some pain too however she really doesn't care about it and she's cold.

I feel really angry about her coming, I don't want to hear about her "good old times" when my dad has spent his whole life in pain from his memories with her. Im 25 they spilt when I was 4 years old, and she hasn't had any friendship/relationship with him since then.

My sister text her to say he was on palliative end of life care and she replied "oh dang" followed by a load of medical waffle. Just so cold.

I really want to tell her that he wouldn't have wanted her there but then is it my place to stop anyone attending a funeral?

My dad has been a huge part of my daily life and I miss him so much, I have nobody to have my two year old if she comes and I emotionally will not be able to mother my toddler on his funeral. My boyfriends family will all be there because they had friendship with my dad and in all honesty I want them there as they are much more welcome than my mother.

I think you or your sister are the only people who can tell her that she’s misread the situation and that she’s not welcome! How embarrassing for her.

When in doubt, tell the truth.

I don't think she's going to look after your son though.

You have to be blunt. "I know that Dad would not have wanted you there an I think you should respect that."

Maybe one of your boyfriend's family might look after your child in order that you can go - it is more important that you are there then that they are.

Firstly I am sorry for your loss, would she cave if you told her you wouldn't be able to go if she went?

just say to her she's being ridiculous of course she shouldn't come to the funeral! if she is being funny about babysitting you might need to ask your In laws to watch her

I'm sorry you have lost your dad .

You and your sister have every right to ask her not to attend.

I'm very sorry for your loss and the fact that your mum is too selfish to realise that she is being ridiculous. 💐

I'm very sorry for the loss of your Dear Dad.

I do think you need to tell her that your Dad wouldn't have wanted her there, as this Pp says.

There may be drama but if she's in any way a decent person she will recognise your pain and agree to do the right thing.
If she doesn't, you'll know that her selfishness knows no bounds.

I wouldn't be telling someone they couldn't go to the funeral of someone they used to be married to and had children with.

If the funeral is in a church you can't, in theory, stop her going. Anybody could go. But if your dad was so affected by his relationship with your mum and you're sure he wouldn't want her there then I think there's nothing wrong with telling her that. If she then proceeds to attend unfortunately you know she's doing it for herself and not out of respect for your dad. If all else fails, take your child to the funeral. Not ideal but don't miss a chance to lay your dad to rest.

Sorry someone needs to tell her. I told my grandparents they werent welcome at my other grandparent funeral (different sides of family). They never had a nice word to say while she was alive so why they would want to go to funeral is beyond me

I am sorry to hear about your dad. I would emphasise to your mum that you and your sister would prefer that she didn't attend. If she realises that it would hurt you she may be more willing to stay away.

I completely understand what you're saying, in terms of your DF's feelings towards his ex-wife, but I'm not sure you can tell her not to go. My parents divorced in the 1970s but my mum has been to funerals for his close sibling; it was an end of an era where they had grown through teenage years as a group. My mum just sat quietly at the back of the church and left by herself, she didn't try and ingratiate herself int othe mourning party or anything.

This is one of the reasons we had a direct cremation for dh, people he absolutely hated were all set to attend with his mums blessing 😡It stopped his funeral being a complete shit show. I even had to hide the wake.

Arrange alternative childcare and hide the funeral date from her. I'm afraid you get inappropriate behaviour off people when your at your most vulnerable.

I mean even if they did "get on" it would only be right if she just babysat for her dd who's just lost her dad!

I would tell her she's not welcome but you can't stop her,, she doesn't have to be invited to the wake afterwards and can sit at the back. I would take your child, your bf family can look after your toddler for you. Sorry you lost your dad.

You need to tell her and be prepared for her kicking off. Take your son with you.

I'm sorry about your dad.

OP can you ask a friend? You should definitely tell her she's not welcome, but then she's likely to say no to childcare.
I went to my friend's mum's funeral. I had known her all my life and would've gone anyway but they asked me if I would sit in the row behind the family with their sons so I could take them out if necessary, I had some toys and things to distract if it became too upsetting. If they had asked I would've absolutely been fine to miss the funeral to look after the children, I would've seen that as my way of showing my respects to the family.

Sorry for your loss, @fancyabru x

I’d tell her straight that your dad wouldn’t have wanted her to go and if she doesn’t immediately reassure you that I that case she won’t go, I’d add that if she goes against his wishes, I would t be able to forgive her.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Whilst your reaction is understandable in your grief... they split up when you were 4, you have absolutely no idea of the reality of their relationship. Having heard your Dad's side of the story doesn't mean you know the truth.

I'm with the pp that you can't tell someone who used to be married to him and had children with him that they can't attend the funeral.

Ask someone else to look after your toddler.

Op you must have a friend or even a toddler group acquaintance that would baby sit. If they are in nursery I'd ask if you could get an extra session.

People do get it that your obvious babysitters will be at the funeral.

I'm not sure how you deal with your mum. I think I'd maybe say you'd rather she didn't attend the wake, avoid issues with his family, her ex in-laws

She won't care about what your dad thought. But she might care about other peoples opinions.

Tell her that everyone would judge her for attending and she would embarrass herself.

I'm so sorry you lost your dad.

Take your child with you and ask your boyfriend's family to help with him.

He is the father of her children, I don't think it is for you to tell her she should not attend. Hire a last minute minder for the day, I think she is entitled to go.