My mam wants to come to my dads funeral but she wouldn't be welcome

[fancyabru]

I'm looking for advice and what people think is the right thing to do in this situation. My dad passed away a couple of days ago, I'm absolutely heart broken. The funeral isn't arranged yet but I messaged my mam asking if she would be able to baby sit my two year old when we find out the funeral date. She replied saying her and her husband (my stepdad) wanted to go to the funeral.

The thing is, my dad wouldn't have wanted her to be there, he despised her and she caused him so much pain from their marriage I'm sure she had some pain too however she really doesn't care about it and she's cold.

I feel really angry about her coming, I don't want to hear about her "good old times" when my dad has spent his whole life in pain from his memories with her. Im 25 they spilt when I was 4 years old, and she hasn't had any friendship/relationship with him since then.

My sister text her to say he was on palliative end of life care and she replied "oh dang" followed by a load of medical waffle. Just so cold.

I really want to tell her that he wouldn't have wanted her there but then is it my place to stop anyone attending a funeral?

My dad has been a huge part of my daily life and I miss him so much, I have nobody to have my two year old if she comes and I emotionally will not be able to mother my toddler on his funeral. My boyfriends family will all be there because they had friendship with my dad and in all honesty I want them there as they are much more welcome than my mother.

I would..,most definitely……he despised her …..she shouldn’t go…end of….nothing to do with whether you were married or had kids…that’s bollocks

Don’t tell her when it is, so make another arrangement for your DC. Although in some ways a dc can bring a lovely not of future to a funeral, and can help you ride the grief.

If she’s that awful should she be sitting for your child?

I'm sorry for your loss
unless your Dad explicitly told you he didn't want her at his funeral, you don't actually know what he wanted do you. As others have said they were married and had a child together, the funeral is a religious service, you can't ban him, its reasonable she would want to come or feel like she should.
I wonder, if in your grief you are unconsciously looking for someone to lash out at.
Also, you want child care - there must surely be a friend not connected to the family who could do this for a few hours.

Isn't a funeral a public affair?
I'd tell your DM that she's not welcome but be prepared for the backlash or her turning up regardless.
It beggars belief how some people just have no self awareness.
One of your dps family should have offered to have your DC so you could attend your ddads funeral, I'm shocked that no-one has offered, they'd rather go themselves than allow his daughter the time to attend and mourn in peace?
I'd take the little one with you and ask DP to take them outside if they become unsettled .
I'm so sorry for your loss

"Isn't a funeral a public affair?"

You can have a family only funeral, but then the date, time and place are not advertised. I don't think you can stop anyone coming into an open church or chapel though, same goes for church weddings.

I'm not sure about crematoria.

She sounds awful.

I do think it is the place of the primary mourners - ie immediate family - to let people know if they wouldn't be welcome.

Someone I know (I wish I didn't know this person) was banned from their own brother's funeral. Brother's widow phoned up and said that "it's not appropriate for you to attend". Because the person had been nasty to the deceased brother, basically forever. Fair enough.

Of course you can ask her not to attend! However she may refuse to look after your DC. Can someone helpful your boyfriends family look after him just for the service part?

SIL and DH were rung by FILs widow who notified them about his death and asked them not to attend his funeral. They were both mostly LC/NC with him anyway since their parents very bitter divorce, and had no relationship with his widow, so we just went to a local church and lit a candle for him at the time his funeral was being held.

I am really sorry for the loss of your dad. I don't think it's a good idea though to tell you mother she wouldn't be welcome at his funeral. It sounds as though they had a really bad break up and he was badly hurt .. but they made two children together so she likely remembers some good times together and wants to pay her respects. It sometimes happens that ex wives sit at the back and don't go on to the wake afterwards. Sometimes friends/family who have previously fallen out still attend funerals. Could you suguest she just comes to the service/ceremony and doesn't go on afterwards. Maybe you could ask her to take your little one home with her after the service so you don't need to do the parenting when you are upset communicating with people afterwards. 💐

@Givejamesbluntachance just because you were once married to someone and had kids with them doesn’t mean you have an automatic right to attend their funeral. Especially if by the sounds of it you caused them hell afterwards.

OP I would tell her she’s not welcome but don’t expect her to babysit. If your in-laws aren’t able to I’d hire a baby sitter for the day so you can grieve in peace. I’m sorry for your loss

Tell her not to come but be aware that funerals are technically public in churches and at crematorium chapels. Why not just take your child, nobody will mind, they are family too

I think you should talk to your sister and present a united front asking her not to attend.

Would someone in your fathers family tell her she’s not welcome? I would tell her and get one of them to back you up. If he was the injured party in the relationship (which I assume) then it wouldn’t be a good idea for her to be there. It depends what they were like in the years after the split. If your mum didn’t speak kindly of him in life and was cold when he was dying then It would feel like her dancing on his grave to me with her current husband. I wouldn’t be comfortable with it.

Sympathies.

my mum did the same and I told her we didn’t want her to come…..mainly as I was worried about my step mum being upset. My mother said to me that a church is an open place and nobody could stop her attending 🤷‍♀️. According to the vicar she was correct.

8m not sure if it’s different if it’s a crematorium.

sure enough she turned up, dressed up to the nines even though she’d been vile to my dad for no reason (she was the one who had an affair). I had made it clear she couldn’t come to the wake so at least she left after the church.

I stopped any contact with her fairly soon after this. I was so cross that she made an already upsetting day even harder for me and my brother.

Op all these posters telling you that you can’t ask your mum not to come because they used to be married are talking utter utter bollocks. Don’t listen to them. There is a reason they split up and don’t let anyone gaslight you into thinking you didn’t really know what your dad wanted.

Tell her that she wouldn’t be wanted there. And if she then insists she’d like to come, don’t give her the details of the funeral so she can’t come.

And either ask someone else to babysit or take your kids with you.

I completely agree with @Yoyoban

When I first got with dh he had a few friends that committed suicide(3 over a year), I babysat all the kids (newborn up to 8ish) while they attended the funeral. Is there a friends partner that can do that?

They've been acrimonious separated/divorced for 20 years, I think it would be completely wrong for her to attend. Funerals are about respect, both for the dead and their bereaved family.

You need to be blunt op, sorry there's no easy way to do it.

I went to my ex husbands funeral and sat right at the front. His parents didn’t want me there (think he’d have been absolutely fine with it as was his new partner) but tolerated me as I was there to support my DC who were 9 and 11 at the time. My DC definitely did want/ need me there as they had a distant relationship with their dads family.

If he had died when they were adults then I would have respected my children’s wishes with regards to attending. My desire to have one last trip down memory lane does not outrank the wishes of the deceased or those of their closest bereaved.

Are you going a videocast? If so, you could say it would be ok for her to watch and you would feel more comfortable with that

Op I have been exactly in your shoes. I’m sorry about your dad and know how hard it can be, especially in the raw early days.

We hoped my mum would take the hint and read between the lines when we said “up to you know if you go, but we’ll be with Stepmum in THE car” and “we didn’t think you’d want to go”.

But as usual it became all about her and the “I know when I’m not wanted” started and of course how cruelly we treated her, and this “rejection” trumped any grief we were feeling. She was livid to be “sidelined” (her words) again despite how “patient” she’d been with dad having to take priority when he was illl.

My mum wasn’t very kind about my dad in the 30 years since they split. In fact downright offensive and bitchy several times. None of us wanted her there but we did appreciate that they’d been married for 10+ years and had children together.

What I needed from her at that moment was to be the bigger person and realise dad’s funeral wasn’t her place. Of course I was silly to think that she’d pull through at that point in time tbh but after a big drama, she didn’t end up coming. My stepdad had the grace to offer to have the kids who were toddlers at the time. But I’ve been unable to forgive her for it and we’ve been low contact since.

It was the right thing for her to not come. We were all glad she didn’t come. I just wish she could’ve been more graceful about it because she’s caused so much damage since. I wish we’d been more direct and told her it wasn’t right for her to come, but in the fog of grief at that time, I don’t think we could find the right words. In any case knowing my mother it wouldn’t have changed her reaction/drama.

So I guess this a a long way of saying just do what you need to do op. I really hope your mum shows up for you. Best wishes for these sad days ahead and hope you get through ok.

This is so what I needed my dm to think. But her feelings yet again trumped everything else.

This. 💯

No it’s not reasonable ….it’s positively fucking unreasonable…..OP posts like this are just plain goady…..ignore them.

’are you unconsciously looking for someone to lash out at?’ WTAF 🙄

I didn't go to my ex husband's funeral. My children who had no contact for 7 years didn't wish to go and I felt his widow would be incensed and probably kick off if I attended. I didn't want his final hours on earth albeit he was dead to be remembered for all the wrong reasons. Having said all that I would have liked to have gone but it would have been selfish.

Leave it to the undertaker. They will stop uninvited guests attending.

Ask someone else to look after the children.